Journey through Faerieland

I received a call around noon that my cortisol from my suppression test was "borderline" so I have to do a 24 hour urine test, which I'm starting tomorrow morning. I'm a bit nervous about the idea of having Cushings after reading some bad cases of it and even a bunch of obituaries. One site called it "The Most Dangerous Disease You've Never Heard Of." Cushings has a tumor in the pituitary gland releasing tons of cortisol. I also have very high prolactin, which would likely be due to a tumor in the pituitary gland releasing tons of prolactin. That means I would need two tumors. I'm hoping that's not the case... I can't wait to get my MRI.

An interesting thing: My MRI at the hospital is set for April 6th. That's my maternal grandmother's birthday. She went into the hospital (in the 1970's) to die on my birthday, January 13th (same day of the week even -- Thursday).

I feel over the past month I have grown progressively weaker and sorer. My fatigue is worse. Just taking a shower or walking next door is hard. I'm slacking off on my chores, but I'm determined to clean the bathroom tomorrow. I'd also like to read and crochet... It sounds so simple, yet it's so hard.

I don't feel asocial at all -- I'd love to talk to people online, and friends in the area -- you can visit anytime! I hope Cory can visit this weekend. I feel bad about turning him down last weekend. I hope I can go to church this weekend, but the fatigue and acheing is worst in the mornings -- no matter what time I go to sleep.

It's ironic that when I was sick in the summer I feared I had a brain tumor and everyone told me I was being a hypochondriac and to stop looking things online, and then I gained more weight and people thought I was just being anorexic and wanting to lose weight, and it turns out I likely have a pituitary gland tumor that caused weight gain, as well as depression, anxiety, pain, and a bunch of other problems.

My family and Michael are very worried now, wondering if it's cancer or something. Because they see how I've changed and how things just don't make sense.

I found out something interesting when my mother was visiting -- apparently I started drawing (not just scribbling, but focusing for long periods of time and drawing) at 15 months old. I am guessing that is an "autistic thing." A lot of autistics start doing things early/late. Art is one of my biggest talents. Great news is that my mother's boyfriend may be able to have me sponsored through his rotary club to take art classes at the Dupage Art League! That would add more structure to my life and I could improve my art. I also could enter their art shows again. I feel like, knowing I was basically doing art before I was speaking, that I am meant to do art. That is what I was doing when I didn't fear judgment, when I didn't worry about messing up or not living up to someone's standards. Art is my calling.

Today has been a good day and for that I am grateful. Michael and I woke up a bit late. My mother apparently textmessaged me about her dog, whom she was supposed to drop off for me to take care of and then take back to her house before we went to the UU church for our "Spirit in Practice" class. Well, fussy Rasputin didn't want to come over. She was texting me to take him out to pee before the church. I texted her back that I was "in a meeting." O_o Okay... I have no recollection of doing this and have never really been "in a meeting." So it must have been related to a dream I was having... So, sleepwalking, sleep-eating, sleep-talking, now sleep-texting. Unfortunately I did not take the poor dog out to pee:( I'd assumed my mother took him to work with her, which is allowed where she went today:( Oh well, he was okay.

Church was fun! We made lists of what we thought prayer were and what we thought meditation were and how we thought they were similar and different. Then we did a quiet meditation and then an eating meditation (a tangerine). We did a hymn and a reading. We did a couple of worksheet/readings, too, and were given Unitarian Universalist prayer beads. After the church thing we bought cheap cocounut hair conditioner and I read The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis.

I bid on ebay>_>. I allowed my auctions to all end with me losing except the one that was the sweater that reminded me of Mary Margaret Blanchard from Once Upon a Time. I followed Michael's advice and bid my max bid at the end of the auction. I tend to be very impatient and lose the auctions at just a dollar to two above the maximum I'm willing to pay! Very frustrating! I also put in a higher max bid for the mint Anthropologie floral top I love so much that I posted a picture of in here. It will end tomorrow during the day when I will probably be busy, so I just put in the bid and got it over with. The last one ended this morning just $2 past my max bid-_- I should have just paid more. It wasn't worth the hassle... I could have saved elsewhere. If I don't win this auction hopefully there are yet more tops.

Amber (surprisingly) left me an ebay message so I called her, but she was eating. She said she'd call back later tonight, but I want to go to bed early so I will probably call her soon.

My uncle just adopted an eight year old rescue Silk Terrier who is not house broken. His name was Binky (really??) and my uncle re-named him Ernie, after Earnest Hemingway.

My brother bought me a very expensive sandwich today! I requested he and my mother buy me one after my brother got off work because the deli is near there. I thought it would maybe cost $4, but it cost $8! It was just a chicken sandwich with pesto, tomatoes, and bean sprouts (and cheese, which I removed). It was really good... I was so hungry by the time I got it. Now Michael and Dan are out dropping off a couple prescriptions for me and going to the grocery store. I need more Chobani vanilla yogurt. I'm glad I get to stay in. I've been spending a lot of time talking to the people in the forum I frequent. Some of them are very wise... Especially this one girl whom I thought was at least in her 30's, but she's only 19! She's way more mature than me. I like her.

Today went well, for the most part. I copied Michael's mother's Christmas cd's onto my computer. We watched more Christmas specials and will be watching The Snowman momentarily. Michael's mother and sister spent most of the day making Christmas cookies. We were going to stop by Michael's father's house but he didn't answer his phone all afternoon and by the time we got ahold of him it was too late and we were preparing for dinner and gift opening, immediately after Michael and I leaving for church for their Christmas Eve service.

I felt so guilty because I didn't include the gift receipt with Michael's mother's sweater!:( I must have stupidly thrown it out. It was a medium, but she's gained some weight. I really hope it still fits her or she likes it well enough to hold onto in case she loses weight (she's going on a diet after the holidays). I also made her a painting of lilacs, which she liked. I gave Michael's sister eyeshadow and primer and Michael gave her a tripod. Michael's friend Dan also visited in the afternoon and he gave us the Saturday Night Live board game and the He-Man and She-Ra Christmas special (we will watch that tomorrow!) He also bought Michael a video game. Michael gave him some anime.

There was no serious drama at Michael's mother's house for a change, which was nice. It took us 45 minutes to get to church from Michael's mother's house, so it's good we left at 7pm (church started at 8pm). We had lit candles during "Silent Night." There were Christmas readings and carols. We will probably be going to the Christmas service at 11:15am tomorrow, too. It will also be Christmas-themed with carols. We are recording the Disney Christmas parade that will be going on then.

These are the presents I received today:
-A very soft and warm robe with rainbow stars on it from Michael's mother
-Fairy Tales: A New History by Ruth B. Bottingheimer from Michael's sister
-The first two books of L.J. Smith's The Secret Circle (which I bought in 2001 before they were popular, so I gave the copy to my brother as a gift for fixing my internet problem)
-Everwood seasons 3 and 4 from my brother
-A lavender sweater from my mother (which I had to open tonight because the box was all wet)
In my stocking:
-A Disney princess coloring and activity book
-A Tinkerbell and fairies coloring and activity book
-Dark chocolate buttercreams and Mays (chocolate filling)
-Dark chocolate Reese's peanut butter cups
-Candy buttons (which I gave to Michael)
-Ankle socks, some argyle
-A fuzzy, colorful scarf
-My Nicor gas bill:P Almost $90! I've got to keep the heat down this month...

I'm wearing the new robe now:-) I think my Victorian-style nightgown might have to be thrown out due to stains... I always wore it every Christmas to imitate the Nutcracker. I always wanted to be whisked away to a magic land. I also love nutcrackers.

I've decided I'm going to get Michael's mother and sister birthday gifts since they both have birthdays in January. Maybe we can visit them shortly after my birthday. I intend to get his mother a sweater in a size Large with a gift receipt this time. I feel so guilty over that...

Overall, a great Christmas Eve!:D

259: list your family members and how they help you daily

My mother: Financially, advising me in my life, helping with the house
Michael: Helping with chores, helping out financially, being loving and a a good companion
My brother: Giving me gifts/doing favors

260: list your five favorite songs

1. Say That You Love Me by Fleetwood Mac
2. For the Longest Time by Billy Joel
3. Love Story by Taylor Swift
4. Sorta Fairytale by Tori Amos
5. Maybe I'm Amazed by Paul McCartney

( 365 Day Meme )

Today went pretty well aside from me getting triggered about my body image. I slept in late because Michael had bad insomnia and didn't feel well so we skipped church. A church friend said it was pretty boring, anyways. I still hate missing church:( I read 100 pages of my Russian fairy tales book, which was my goal. I'm going to do a tarot reading momentarily and hopefully some meditation. I would like to do some yoga/stretches a bit later tonight (maybe while watching something with Michael?)

Wow, I started this post a long time ago and forgot about it. I'm making a list of food to eat and I still am sitting on the futon. I will finish soon, though. We went out to dinner for my brother's birthday, which went okay.

Today went well, overall. I had trouble waking up and getting up this morning, which made me nauseated. I wore a nice pink dress today that I assumed was too small for me since I used to wear it when I was underweight, but it still fits. Michael and I exchanged Easter baskets (we gave each other much candy and I gave him a book, which made him decide to buy me a book). Then we went to church and were almost late. It was a really nice service about caring for the earth and caring for other people. Two Michael Jackson songs were done and there were children's drawings of love and earth from the projector. The children's choir sang. There was an excerpt from The Velvetine Rabbit (which we are also using in our commitment ceremony). I returned the book I borrowed and borrowed a dvd of the service I missed in March on Transcendentalism and Buddhism.

Then we ate lunch at my mother's house. She cooked a lot. Michael and Tommy (my brother) played a Mario Bros. game in the living room. I didn't try playing because the newer Mario games are too hard for me:( Then later this evening Michael and I watched Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind. It just ended.

I did have a bit of an anger problem/panic attack at Walmart, but took a Klonopin to control it. Maybe I should have waited longer before taking medication, but I didn't feel like I could restrain myself from lashing out. I'm calm now and will probably go to sleep soon.

It may sound strange, since I disowned him at age 13 and have PTSD because of him, but I miss my father. I have been coming across things online that I think he would find funny. He laughed a lot. And I miss the good memories with him, such as at Disney World. He was very charming and could be a lot of fun. I know he was in a lot of pain and probably had PTSD himself. He always said that "intelligence" and things like IQ's didn't matter (he scored very high at age 10 after learning to read at age 9 and everyone thought he was mentally retarded until that test). What mattered was working hard and doing your best. He said looks didn't matter and that cheerleading was silly (my aunt was a former cheerleader and thought I should become one). He thought modeling was also stupid and turned down being a model when he was a teenager. I have been asked to model a couple times for professional photographers, but I turned them down, which I'm sure would have made my father happy.

My father studied architecture in college, which I was also interested in as a child, though he dropped out of school. He was good at handling pressure and financial problems -- my mother gets too anxious and that makes me anxious. I know, realistically, my family is in a better financial position than probably the average person in the US right now, but finances are still so stressful. My father handled all the finances when he was alive. I don't think he was a bad person... just mentally ill. That doesn't excuse his behaviors, but it does show he wasn't an evil person at heart.

The girl leading the UU Young Adult Group said at the group that her father died 11 years ago -- my father died 10 1/2 years ago. She graduated high school a year after me, so she was probably around my brother's age when our father died when her father died. I kind of wanted to share that with her, but I didn't want to sound presumptuous or take away from her loss. Because I disowned my father years before he died and wasn't on good terms with him I sometimes think I was luckier than people whose parent died whom they were on good terms with. On the other hand, I feel I lost my father quite early and he was more of a ghost in my final years, so maybe my loss is as meaningful -- just different.

Church today was beautiful, as always! But today the pianist played and sang "In the River of Dreams" by Billy Joel and a James Taylor song and the congregation sang another James Taylor song. The focus on the service was about how the earth is our paradise on earth and we have to care for it and do good in the world. However, we also can't focus on fixing everything and being perfect because that will cause burnout. We just have to do what good we can manage while being mentally healthy.

Then Michael went to move his car closer to the church and the car wouldn't start-_- That freaked me out majorly. Fortunately a church member had jumper cables and the car started immediately -- unlike a few months back when Dan's car needed jumping and it took like an hour and two different people trying to help. Michael thinks he may have left the lights on when we went into the church, but I don't know if that would be the only cause (it was only a couple hours...). I just hope that problem is over now. We plan to eventually buy a new car, but we're waiting for this one to completely die. When we do buy a new (used) car we will bring my mother and her boyfriend with us, as her boyfriend is a mechanic. Also if the car needs towing at some point we will tow to his station, which is very convenient. I was so worried about the car, though, that I only read about 75 pages of my Wicked Lovely book during the break between church and the Building Your Own Theology class.

The class was fun, again! Some of our reading had been on moral codes so we tried to come up with our own (shared) moral code. My contribution was to not seek revenge, which a girl amended with seeking justice, but not revenge. That's fine with me. I do believe people should be held responsible for their actions, I just personally find I can have a vengeful attitude and I don't want to live that way. I don't want to ever seek vengeance and I want to find ways to soothe my anger so I can deal with situations fairly and rationally, not allowing the cruelties of others to lead me to be cruel.

We also drew pictures of what we saw as God/the Absolute/the Ultimate Reality -- a picture of what we thought of that as a child, a teenager, and an adult. There was a list of names for the Ultimate Reality listed, but they were all singular, which was pointed out, which wouldn't accommodate some pagans. Though the person who pointed it out actually wasn't one of the pagans or people into earth-centered religions. I drew a picture of the cross and an old bearded man because I used to believe a lot of traditional "Christian" things when I was little. I believed God could be vengeful as well as a loving father. The my teenage years were kind of an early version of what I believe in now -- panentheism where God is in all of nature/reality and beyond it. I didn't mention that I believe God is the source of love in our existence, but I do believe that.

We had a moral discussion on how morally permissible it would be to have a baby to use the bone marrow to save your dying teenage daughter (it was an article based on the situation the book My Sister's Keeper was based on). All of us except one found it permissible. One woman didn't because she didn't think the parents would be good parents to the child and the child might not feel really loved and feel used and it would have bad repercussions for the child's feelings about herself. This woman has had difficult times with her family, feeling unaccepted and unwanted by them, so I guess she sees her situation mirrored in the one of the child being born for the bone marrow.

I disagreed even though I probably have had similar experiences to her in my family. Michael often says my parents should never have been parents and it's probably true. However, I'm an optimist and I believe that a life has so much potential and, while I think people over-breed, I don't think a child shouldn't be born just because the situation isn't ideal. I brought up the fact that I was an unexpected pregnancy and my mother nearly aborted me, but I still am glad I was born. Sometimes I feel like I was unwanted, sure, and my parents often mistreated me. But my life is so much more than that. I feel that I would feel worse as a dying teenager knowing there was something that could help keep me alive that wouldn't (likely) involve in anyone dying than I would as a child brought into the world to save my sister's life. I could deal with knowing I was born to save someone's life. After all, I can deal with the fact that my parents were pretty bad parents and I wasn't really wanted as a baby and, in many ways, my birth ruined my mother's life.

It's raining a lot today and I got soaked so when I got home I changed into pajamas and Michael made me dinner. My mother picked up my prescription today so I didn't even have to go to Walgreen's. Though I need to get Miralax soon...