Journey through Faerieland

Just got back from the doctor. She was very nice, but basically has no idea what's wrong with me. She's not used to patients with high prolactin, high cortisol, loss of body hair, early onset bone density issues (at least, she never has been the one in charge of dealing with it), etc. She definitely thinks the cause of the prolactin needs to be found because my levels are so ridiculous. There are two endocrinologists in our medical group -- an older, more experienced man and a young woman whom everyone reported back about positively and who is very good about contacting my doctor's office about how things go with patients.

I decided on the female due to the fact that she may be more up-to-date on new medical information, I'm more comfortable with female doctors as far as this stuff goes due to my PTSD, she probably wouldn't have as long a wait (I was told), and just a gut feeling. It turns out she did her fellowship at Mayo Clinic! She also has only been in practice 1 year! To me that's like a kid! But it should relax me. Also I'm hoping that means that, just starting her career, she's eager to prove herself, energetic, not full of herself, etc. Now, I had the *opposite* of this experience with a male doctor (psychiatrist) just out of med school who was first in all his rotations. Oh my gosh, that was bad. So I don't know why I think this will be any different and she won't just think I'm a hypochondriac. I just have a good feeling about her...

And, shockingly, there was an opening at 1:30pm tomorrow!!! The staff member I made an appointment with sounded shocked, too! Heh. So hopefully luck is on my side. My doctor wanted the endocrinologist to do the bone density test because she (gp) wouldn't know what she was doing, but to come back to her if the endo refused.

And my nightly cortisol (or whatever it is) rush has kicked in. Totally anxious and racing heart and shaking. Took Klonopin and Atarax and will see if that slows things down.

I feel really fuzzy right now, like I had a seizure or might have a seizure, so bear with me. But I've felt like this for awhile, so it could be a false alarm. But the neurologist doesn't think I'm aware of a lot of my seizures, so who knows? I'm confusing myself. New topic.

We went to Oakbrook Mall. Michael was irritable some of the time, but I'm glad we went! I didn't realize they had some great stores there I would actually use! Maybe it's because I've grown up a bit and some of my tastes have changed? I try to use more environmentally sound products, cruetly-free, if at all possible. Some of the clothes I like are more mature. I spend more on products and am consciously trying to buy less plastic crap.

Anyways, I have been planning on buying Izzy and myself Bare Escentuals lipstick (two a piece) online -- but there was a boutique there! Unfortunately, it didn't have all the lipstick colors. And apparently they are changing the lipstick shades April 11th. I have to wait until April 3-4th to afford the lipstick. But I decided I want to buy the "old" lipstick because then it will gone for good, and we'd have plenty of time to buy the "new" lipstick if we wanted to. A color Izzy was interested in, but was sold out online, was in the boutique -- Berry Glace, so even though Izzy hadn't made her second decision (she had decided on her first -- Italian Ice) I bought it for her. On our way back out of the mall, Michael bought me a Bare Escentuals lipstick in Parfait. It's a little peachier than the color I was considering (Gelato - more straight nude pink, though Parfait is also a nude on me).

We went to Sephora and it was a full one, with the Jasmine line. I looked at the Urban Decay things. It was a bit squashed by the beauty chairs area, though, so I couldn't tell if they had palettes besides the Naked ones. I want to buy Michael's sister an Urban Decay palette for Christmas if I can afford it -- the Vice palette if it returns. I have it set to tell me by email if it returns online. I liked looking at all the different skin products and make up... But I'm broke, so I didn't buy anything.

There was a Soma there, and I love their underwear! It's so pretty and comfortable. I should buy my mother some from there sometime. I bought mine online and had to pay a lot in shipping. Now I know there is a brick and mortar store nearby.

There was a Disney store! All the Disney Stores seem to be closing...

There was an H&M! We don't have one at the mall we usually go to, but I love this store, and they don't sell online. I bought my mother her Mother's Day gift her -- a blue sweater for $10. They always have great pricee, plus now they are selling spring/summer clothes.

I tried to send something to the Glen Ellyn Post Office by Newton Park and they gave me trouble, like they always do. It left me very agitated. I hate that post office and do not intend to use it for packages again. Today Michael mailed my package from the downtown Glen Ellyn Post Office without any problems. I've got a big package I'm putting together for Poland to send out mid-April and will probably use that post office. Michael had a good experience.

I'm still having anxiety and taking 2mg Klonopin everyday, but I'm trying to feel less guilty about that, because my endocrine conditions can cause severe depression and severe anxiety (as well as irritability and hostility). I figure once I'm treated I will start feeling better and not be so med-reliant. I have been obsessed with Cushing's Disease today. I'm pretty sure I have an early/mild case of it starting to progress pretty fast. My weight gain hasn't been in the usual places for me (thighs, for instance), but my belly, in a pregnancy-type fashion. It has cellulite over it. I can't fit into any pants -- including new ones I bought for weight gain -- so I'm going to just wear sweatpants, pajama pants, and elastic waist skirts for the time being. Everyone assures me when I'm treated my body will go back to normal.

My breasts are getting big, too, but that doesn't bother me as much:P I'm wearing one of my new (ebay) bras today, too and yet I'm now getting quadboob from this too(28DD, could use a 28E -- for some other companies I would need a 28F). Hahaha, yes, laugh those who knew me as a college freshman! 4'11" and an A-cup! Well, not really -- just wearing the wrong bra size, as most do (more like a 28C). Anyways, I am not fat, I do not think any of you reading this are fat -- it's just my fat deposits are going to my waist and boobs only because my body thinks it's having a baby very soon and needs to be lactating. I read yesterday, though, that people like myself wtih very high prolactin levels often *don't* lactate -- it's the low-highs that do. Which doesn't make sense to me, but whatever.

I might start getting the Cushings stretch marks soon, which I dread. You can always lose weight -- stretch marks are another issue all together. And my face may become rounder (that's another weird thing -- usually my face gets rounder as I gain weight -- my face is not the slightest bit rounder/chubbier from when I was 25lbs lighter; I'm 5'1", so that's saying a lot). I've been playing with make up a lot and taking lots of face pictures and posting my favorites to Facebook. It sounds vain, but that's one of the few areas of my body that still feels "normal." And that I still feel I can make pretty. It reassures me that this weight gain is not normal because, if it were, my face would look chubbier.

I'm very anxious about the fact it takes many tests to diagnose Cushing's, and then more tests to figure out where the tumor causing it is located (and then you usually do surgery and you have to find a good surgeon... Luckily I live in the Chicago area, so I'm sure there would be an appropriate surgeon not too far). Usually Cushings is caused by a pituitary tumor. I *also* most likely have *another* pituitary tumor -- a prolactinoma releasing way too much prolactin (hence the boobs and the belly and the associated emotional pseudo-pregnant bullshit). That would be treated with strong meds to shrink the tumor and lower my prolactin levels. Two tumors. Two conditions. Two treatments. Two hormones (Cushings is too much cortisol being released from the tumor). A lot of overlapping symptoms -- including osteoporosis -- I want a bone scan asap, because my joints and back and hips hurt a lot the past few months. I will call the endocrinologist about that on Monday, and if she doesn't do anything, call my general practitioner (who works very close by) and ask for a bone scan. I also should go to her office and have my records transferred to her so she knows what's going on. Maybe I will even make an appointment with her. She works Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. My endocrinologist is also part-time. My psychiatrist is the one who has my testosterone results, but I think my endocrinologist got them from him, and those were the most important ones. It's just having two possible conditions at once, with pituitary tumors involved, is overloading and confusing. Though I like that they could explain most of the problems I've gained over the past decade.

On a happier note, Michael went out with Dan and brought me back a large-ish vinyl figurine of Fluttershy from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Though I do have too much random "junk" as it is@_@

I received a call around noon that my cortisol from my suppression test was "borderline" so I have to do a 24 hour urine test, which I'm starting tomorrow morning. I'm a bit nervous about the idea of having Cushings after reading some bad cases of it and even a bunch of obituaries. One site called it "The Most Dangerous Disease You've Never Heard Of." Cushings has a tumor in the pituitary gland releasing tons of cortisol. I also have very high prolactin, which would likely be due to a tumor in the pituitary gland releasing tons of prolactin. That means I would need two tumors. I'm hoping that's not the case... I can't wait to get my MRI.

An interesting thing: My MRI at the hospital is set for April 6th. That's my maternal grandmother's birthday. She went into the hospital (in the 1970's) to die on my birthday, January 13th (same day of the week even -- Thursday).

I feel over the past month I have grown progressively weaker and sorer. My fatigue is worse. Just taking a shower or walking next door is hard. I'm slacking off on my chores, but I'm determined to clean the bathroom tomorrow. I'd also like to read and crochet... It sounds so simple, yet it's so hard.

I don't feel asocial at all -- I'd love to talk to people online, and friends in the area -- you can visit anytime! I hope Cory can visit this weekend. I feel bad about turning him down last weekend. I hope I can go to church this weekend, but the fatigue and acheing is worst in the mornings -- no matter what time I go to sleep.

It's ironic that when I was sick in the summer I feared I had a brain tumor and everyone told me I was being a hypochondriac and to stop looking things online, and then I gained more weight and people thought I was just being anorexic and wanting to lose weight, and it turns out I likely have a pituitary gland tumor that caused weight gain, as well as depression, anxiety, pain, and a bunch of other problems.

My family and Michael are very worried now, wondering if it's cancer or something. Because they see how I've changed and how things just don't make sense.

It's strange... early this evening I felt extremely tired (and I still do) -- about the same time as I did yesterday. Maybe it wasn't "just" the Klonopin? I have heard of Neurontin making people tired, though it never made me tired; I take it shortly before I've been getting tired. I really feel like I could just go to sleep for the rest of the night -- not just take a nap. That's pretty much what I did last night... I'm going to run a load of laundry, though. I'm freezing! My robe and one of my blankets needs to be washed.

Bleh. Just read something depressing related to my eating habits/desire to get back to my personal "natural weight" when not hypothyroid -- go to bed on an empty stomach. I can't do this! If I am not quite full when I go to bed I will eat in my sleep. Or at least, because of insomnia, periodically get up and eat whatever convenient crap I can find. If I have healthier, but filling, foods right before bed I sleep better and am less likely to sleep eat. And I don't have a big enough appetite to eat a giant breakfast, like recommended. Mornings I often feel nauseated, especially since going on Zoloft. I'm lucky if I can just make it through the morning without Zofran (anti-emetic med).

I think I am going to ask my doctor about hypothyroidism on Monday. If she doesn't think I need to get checked out for it I won't pursue it. I am not convinced I *must* have it or anything, but I do have some signs:
-depression (sure, I have bipolar, but it's always been controlled by Zyprexa, but lately I've had to up the Zyprexa and add Zoloft, and I've had to add Neurontin for anxiety)
-dry skin (more dry than usual)
-weight gain (can't lose weight no matter what I do -- very unlike me, used to have a very fast metabolism)
-borderline hypothyroidism last time I was tested
-severe constipation
-need a lot of sleep
-difficulty concentrating
-irregular menstruation (but I've always had this)
-low temperature
-no sex drive

Just wanted to say, for the first time in over a month, I did not wake up with severe nausea! I hope it's because I'm back on only 25mg of Zoloft (the smallest starting dose, though I guess you could cut it in half and start with 12.5mg). I only took 25mg two nights ago, but still felt nauseated yesterday morning. I didn't need Zofran, though. Today there was no nausea. Hopefully this will continue and I can take Zofran very infrequently. And my depression is still just as under control. I increase the dose because it wasn't helping my anxiety, but at 50mg it still wasn't helping my anxiety. Then going on Neurontin almost completely controlled my anxiety. I sometimes had slight anxiety at night and took an extra Neurontin (or, in the case of last night, a Klonopin), but I haven't had free-floating anxiety. That leads me to sometimes forgetting to take my evening dose of Neurontin and taking it a bit late. And Klonopin greatly affected me and helped last night, which it hadn't been doing before because my body was so used to it. A 2+ week break from Klonopin and now it helps me again. I hope to take no more thank 1 Klonopin a week. Hopefully more like 1 every 2-3 weeks, like lately.

My nausea from Zoloft was bad this morning. I actually dreamed about the nausea I was feeling. I took a Zofran and it probably helped. Still, a few hours later I started feeling really sick during The 30 Day Shred. So I'm going to try to workout later in the day when my stomach is doing better. I also will paint soon.

This is what I want to accomplish today:
-Complete my 30 minute workout
-Work on my painting
-Edit at least 10 poems
-Email friends
-Go to the grocery store (need produce, eggs, and possibly yogurt, as well as water for the cats)
-Clean the litterboxes
-Refill my humidifier
-Watch Kobato with Michael
-Clean the bathroom

Nooooo... My face is peeling really badly today due to dry skin. I can barely stand to look at myself:( I shouldn't have put make up on today, but there was a chance we'd be going out and I don't feel comfortable not wearing foundation when my face has ruddiness. I'm pale, so any imperfection shows up glaringly.

( 365 Day Meme )

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I'm going to faint. I'd felt cold this morning and fine in the afternoon, but suddenly felt very hot and sweating. I just turned the air-conditioner on. I don't think it's due to lack of food because I ate a hamburger earlier and just had half a bagel with peanut butter and I still feel sick. I had a small mocha earlier but that was hours and hours ago and I felt fine when drinking it/in the first few hours following it. I'm wondering if this is another one of my random hot flashes with no real explanation. I'm so tired...