Journey through Faerieland

I just got back from the doctor's appointment. My doctor is East Indian and very pretty (Michael agrees!) She was nice, but didn't want to get my hopes up. She thinks my high prolactin could be caused by Zyprexa (bitch endo said my levels were too high for it to be meds). She wanted to see if I could change meds and get off Zyprexa. I'm like... That always ends in a huge disaster>_> I get TOTALLY nuts! I've been on almost all the alternatives and nothing else works. And I still have the same symptoms. I just realized I could test going off the Zyprexa for a couple weeks or a month, especially now I'm off Yasmin, which made me bonkers as hell, just to check my Prolactin without it. Maybe I will do that if my prolactin doesn't decrease substantially on the anti-Prolactin med. I wanted to just stop taking Zyprexa now, while on the med, but that's too many variables. But this all made me very disappointed because I've read so much about hyperprolactanemia and how it can cause many, many symptoms -- all of which I had. My doctor focused on the irregular periods, which I've had all along. And which I really could care less about. A few periods a year is fine with me! But she tried to get milk from my nipples and couldn't, which you usually can with prolactanemia. She read off a chart of symptoms for me to say yes/no to, and I said "yes" to most.

Interestingly, she seemed more concerned about my cortisol levels. She asked me if my (normal) urine test was before or after my cortisol dex suppression test (borderline high). The urine test was after, which she said could be because the steroids in my suppression test. Also I'm on inhalers (steroids) which can suppress cortisol. So she wants to look into that more. She even felt for my hunchback for Cushings, I think! But if I have Cushings it's either a mild case or the beginning stages. And I'm much rather have a prolactinoma:( Everyone says "Oh, it's good you don't have a tumor!" A small adenoma that shrinks and all the side effects go away with a simple med is better than all this other crap!

She said doing bone density testing on pre-menopausal women was complicated and rarely done, even if there was a fracture, and osteoporosis was not usually associated with pain. Then why do my hips hurt so much?? They hurt both while I was very active and non-active. But I'm not going to push for a test that's not going to show anything.

She basically wants to start from scratch and do retesting of thyroid, cortisol, and prolactin in a couple weeks, with me off steroids (trying not to use my inhalers). Then in three weeks, see her again. Then we will go over the results and plan the next step (maybe go offf Zyprexa, plan the next Cortisol tests, maybe sex hormone testing, maybe look into what could be causing my body hair loss, etc.) She said she had to look over my file more and other information. I really hope she studies up on prolactanemia and the kind of symptoms it can cause (same with high cortisol and anything else I might have) because I feel like my symptoms can be explained... I feel the body hair issue is definitely endocrinological, so as long as I've got that going I've got her hooked :P

Well I've been unproductive so far today:P I think I'm finally going to start reading the Philip K Dick book Izzy gave me. It's quite a long book, so I will probably pace myself and read other books at the same time. I'd also like to look through my clothes, build a bigger pile of what to get rid of, and find a few missing items. I did have some anxiety this morning, so it was my morning anxiety meds, as usual:P But I've only been on levothyroxine a week and a half or so -- there's still plenty of time for it to help more. Overall, I have noticed a lessening of my anxiety aside from last night. I'm feeling less obsessive over my weight. Today I think I look good:-) Because my anxiety is always worse at night I'm going to ask my doctor if she thinks I should take vitamin D supplements and/or return to calcium supplements. I was on calcium while anorexic, but stopped taking them when I ran out and was no longer underweight.

Edit: I just purchased high-potency Vitamin D3 and a Calcium/Magnesium combination supplement. I'm also going to increase my B-Complex+Vitamin C to two times a day and my Fish Oil to 2 times a day.

I have this problem lately -- but not every single day. The problem is I'm needing Klonopin more often again. I take it less than prescribed (2mg twice a day), but I have to or I have too high a tolerance. In the morning I wake up anxious and I take my 20mg of Ritalin LA and 300mg Neurontin and I feel great. Sometimes so great that I forget to take my second dose of 20mg Ritalin LA and 300-600mg Neurontin until 5:30pm. Yesterday and today I both had to take Neurontin, Ritalin LA, and Klonopin shortly after 3pm. I feel like a failure:( I feel like I should have my anxiety more under control by now and I have no idea why I'm so responsive to my meds in the morning (and feel really great), yet not in the afternoons. The afternoon dose rarely seems to have much effect at all, really, even on good days where I don't need it (but take it, like I'm prescribed). Does anyone have any idea why my anxiety would be more stubborn in the afternoon (before sunset -- night makes me anxious, too) than in the morning?

I wonder if my hypothyroidism plays a result. I've been reading that people can have effects from thyroid problems before those problems even show up in blood tests. So maybe I've been subclinically hypothyroid for years and that's why my anxiety worsened. I've even read hypothyroidism can be misdiagnosed as bipolar. Honestly? If I'm going to have a thyroid problem I'd rather some of my anxiety and my bipolar be due to it and when I find the right hormone dosage I will feel a lot better and more normal (like before age 19). I did test slightly high on my tsh test when I was 22 and suspected to have hyperthyroidism -- a little about 2. So maybe my thyroid problem has been building since then? This is all very interesting to me.

Just wanted to say, for the first time in over a month, I did not wake up with severe nausea! I hope it's because I'm back on only 25mg of Zoloft (the smallest starting dose, though I guess you could cut it in half and start with 12.5mg). I only took 25mg two nights ago, but still felt nauseated yesterday morning. I didn't need Zofran, though. Today there was no nausea. Hopefully this will continue and I can take Zofran very infrequently. And my depression is still just as under control. I increase the dose because it wasn't helping my anxiety, but at 50mg it still wasn't helping my anxiety. Then going on Neurontin almost completely controlled my anxiety. I sometimes had slight anxiety at night and took an extra Neurontin (or, in the case of last night, a Klonopin), but I haven't had free-floating anxiety. That leads me to sometimes forgetting to take my evening dose of Neurontin and taking it a bit late. And Klonopin greatly affected me and helped last night, which it hadn't been doing before because my body was so used to it. A 2+ week break from Klonopin and now it helps me again. I hope to take no more thank 1 Klonopin a week. Hopefully more like 1 every 2-3 weeks, like lately.

Today has been a pretty good day, though not productive. Michael and I returned to Hobby Lobby to buy me more canvases for 40% off. I started a new painting, though I haven't yet finished my former painting. I'm watching Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas, given to me as an early Christmas present. I've read a bit and edited some poems. I watched more Facts of Life. I dropped my obsession books off with my psychologist. Zoloft is still working magic and my anxiety is mostly under control and I'm not at all depressed. I have decided to take Ritalin LA in the early evening instead of the morning because it helps with my night anxiety (my day anxiety is totally controlled by Zoloft now) and suppresses my giant appetite and cravings that make me binge eat at night. Tomorrow I will paint the head of a dragon and a parrot. I might just outline it and do the scales. I tend to paint in short spurts now. It seems less overwhelming that way. Despite my healthier diet, I'm debating getting Chinese food tomorrow (just 2 egg rolls and a small fried rice) and eating a little bit of it for several days. I was able to find some caloric information, though I know that won't be completely accurate from restaurant to restaurant. I've been reading From Girl to Goddess and will probably watch Project A-Ko with Michael tonight.

5-HTP worked many nights for me to decrease anxiety and depression, though it never helped my insomnia (but very few things help my insomnia). However, eventually it started giving me stomachaches. I ordered a large container of L-Tryptophan to start taking after I ran out of 5-HTP. I'm taking the larger recommended dose (which, comparatively, should be twice as strong as the dose of 5-HTP I was taking) and I haven't noticed any effect at all from the L-Tryptophan. However, I just read it should be taken on an empty stomach and, due to my psych meds schedule, I eat the most at night. L-Tryptophan is usually recommended to take at night to help insomnia, so I have been taking it at night. I also read taking it with fruit juice can help and I have no juice. After my mother returns from her vacation I will buy some (probably apple juice since it's so cheap). I just took 1000mg L-Tryptophan on an empty stomach with an orange (the closest thing I have to juice) and I think it is helping my anxiety! I also could try taking 1500mg L-Tryptophan if 1000mg doesn't work. If I can't get L-Tryptophan to work reliably I may go back to 5-HTP after I run out of L-Tryptophan. I'm not actually vomiting from the stomachaches so maybe I could deal with it.

I always have some amount of insomnia, but Zyprexa does a lot to control it. It's been a long time since I've had insomnia other than anxiety of having to get up early the next morning. Technically that went on last night, too, because we are going to the Harry Potter movie this morning, but I wasn't feeling particularly anxious about that. I went to bed a little after 10:00pm and probably fell asleep between 2:30am-3:00am. I took a Klonopin at one point, but it didn't help me sleep. Then I got up to go to the bathroom a little after 6:00am and couldn't fall back asleep. I got up and took a shower and then started feeling really sick to my stomach (which always happens when my body doesn't get enough sleep). I took some Zofran and so far it has kept me from vomiting. I'm feeling a bit better now, though tired. Last night I didn't take any Zyprexa -- just Abilify. It didn't make me sick to my stomach, but it obviously activates me more than Zyprexa. Medication used for sleep either doesn't work for me at all (most things) or it makes me sleep for several days (Seroquel, trazadone). That is a bit frustrating...

I woke up anxious. I do not know why. I took a Klonopin and a Buspar. The Buspar actually seems to be helping a bit, which is strange, because people often say it needs to build up in your body to help. I have better luck when I take it infrequently. I'm going to make a plan for today to try and keep myself busy.

Things to do:
-Visit April this afternoon
-Read Mythology of the Incas
-Watch Legend of the Seeker
-Play a video game on my Nintendo DS
-Do some sketching (running out of art supplies and have no free money)
-Do yoga/stretching
-Wash the dishes
-Tidy up the house
-Write a poem
-Hang my postcard from Izzy
-Look at apartments again
-Read more Sailor Moon manga
-Shrink recent pictures on my computer

Today mostly Michael and I have been watching The Mysterious Cities of Gold, which was made in France, Japan, and Canada and aired on Nickelodeon in the US. I used to love it as a child and it made me want to be an anthropologist (though I didn't know the word "anthropologist" then). Watching this has really made me want to go on a trip to Peru and Bolivia. I used to want to go to South America to see the ancient ruins, but I've let it slip from my mind for a long time. Hopefully someday I will get to go:)

My nausea has mostly been under control today and I ate plenty for dinner without feeling ill. I think cream sauces and the like would make me quite sick, but I had tomato sauce on pasta for dinner and I didn't feel sick. I am kind of excited about buying Izzy's birthday gift (I love buying gifts), though I feel bad that it will probably take awhile to arrive. Next I'm saving money for my eye appointment and then Michael's ring. I am contemplating getting a digital camera at some point in the near future, too. I still have to take my art photographs... I will probably get to see April tomorrow evening, so yay for that, too!

I have to call my psychiatrist soon and display my displeasure at his leaving without warning for two weeks when I'd just talked to him previously and he told me to call him "sooner to when I'd run out" for a medication refill. Now I need a Geodon prescription (and probably a small Zyprexa prescription for emergencies) before I see him July 29.

Today I went to a scrapbooking party for April at her father's house. I thought we would all just be scrapbooking, but it was kind of like a party where there is a host and a catalog of scrapbooking materials and you order certain things. I was the only one who didn't buy anything, which made me feel guilty, but I really have to save money this summer. I have to see the dentist Wednesday and I have no idea how much that will cost. I felt okay and friendly at first because I had taken Klonopin at home due to my anxiety about watching things (and Michael and I watched Tsubasa before April and Phil picked me up). However, after a couple hours I was starting to feel like I didn't know what to do -- I didn't really know the other people there or know what to talk about. Eventually I did get to scrapbook for a little bit. Then people started leaving and I was hoping we were going to be leaving because my anxiety had gotten pretty bad. I felt overloaded and overwhelmed because things weren't going as I expected and I'm not good with most surprises and I'm also usually not good with people. I also forgot my Buspar and Klonopin at home, so I had nothing to take for anxiety. However, I held out and after the guests left April's stepmother ordered pizza and we four (April's stepmother, Phil, April, and me) played cards and I felt calmer. I even ate a piece of pizza. Usually eating in front of people (especially strangers) is difficult for me. Then we did go home and I was glad to see Michael again. I did end up having fun with April and Phil and I was glad I didn't freak out and beg them to take me home or anything.