Journey through Faerieland

Solemn Mermaid - 1/2/13

I know you hate the sappy sentimentality
The dribble and the drabble
The pathetic passing as poetry
You never seemed to get
Just give me one chance
Even that won't be enough, I bet
But still there's hope
Still I pine for your haunting eyes
To pass by me once more

I idolized you, lithe yet alluring mermaid
Porcelain with hair onyx beneath the waves
A face and figure us earth girls die for -- literally
Endless nights I pinched my belly, lamented my empty breasts
For I could not compare to your curvacious perfection
Held in proper modesty, which could never hide your physical gifts

And intelligent as anyone, much more than many
Reading French classics when other children played on the monkey bars
Their whild deeds held no interest to you
Instead, you tipped up your nose
You fed the stray cats the meat you didn't want
You read Les Miserables with ferver and passion
No other eight year old could grasp, tormenting you instead
Tragically trying to break the spirit of an angel on earth

In awe I learned such things
I wanted to hug you, hold you
Make you know you were good and holy
The God you prayed to had not forsaken you
You were always such a good little girl
At the Kingdom Hall
Faithfully attending and sharing and participating
You believed, you prayed, you took the pain and deepened your belief
God loved you deep into the ocean you came from, right through the seaweed and coral

It might be hard to understand why things happened as they did
Why you must suffer so much more than me
Or even than others who live to torment the innocent
Darling, I have no answers
But my embrace is here if you ever want to return
As is his, the one most deeply hurt
The one you care about so at your core
Don't let a good dream go
Don't box yourself into old-fashioned duties that don't make anyone happy

Rules sometimes outlive their purpose
You can be good, darling, you are already good, darling
Just be careful how you tread, your mistakes are forgiven
Your sins are so minor
Forgive yourself, that's all you need to do
So come back to us
No need to dissociate, no need to destroy relationships
You can love us all and we can love you back
We'll make a chain of daisies and put it on your innocent head
Hold hands with your husband and give him a kiss
Then let yourself smile at us -- a real smile
Knowing we are all pure and we are all works in progress

You do not need to suffer for your faith, dear one
I love you, he loves you, God loves you, your husband loves you
So fear nothing, and give everything your most honest effort
Life need not be so complicated
Go for a swim, pretty little mermaid
Take a break and think and feel
Let the salty water hide your tears -- never your beauty
We'll all be waiting here patiently

Great website: http://www.randomactsofkindness.org/

Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better
Being reassured that I am loved and accepted -- especially when specifics are given by someone who does love me.
( 30 Day Meme List )

A unicorn wandered through the hills and the valleys, sad that she could never find one of her own kind. She saw birds and squirrels, deer, and even horses -- which humans often mistook her for, but she did not see unicorns. One day she wandered deep into a forest, lost and scared. And then, in the distance, saw a spark of white. She ran and finally saw the mysterious, still creature! It was another unicorn drinking from a lake! The unicorn at the lake looked up and saw her and they shared a moment of ecstasy -- knowing they had each finally found one of their own kind. Their love built great over time and they lived happily ever after.

( 365 Day Meme )

I would rather love one person. I love very intensely and couldn't handle going through a lot of relationships/break ups. Every break up has been very hard on me and I hate losing people -- even when they are abusive. I tend to be codependent.

Also:

“Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.” ~ Goethe

Just wanted to add that quote here so I have it preserved:-)

( 365 Day Meme )

Of course. Anyone can fall in love.

( 365 Day Meme )

Happiness is when you feel comfortable, at ease, full of positive energy, feel love towards other people and the world as a whole, you are enjoying yourself, and bad memories/worries aren't bothering you. To me, happiness is intricately tied to love.

( 365 Day Meme )

I am having an ecstatic experience right now. This is my first one in quite awhile. It feels like "going home." I feel like I've been away on a long, arduous trip, separated from important parts of myself that I am just now getting back. I feel like I forgive everyone, bear no ill will toward anyone, and deeply love everyone. I feel union with God and the universe. I feel pure and good instead of my usual feelings of inferiority. Everyone who has hurt me or others is hurting themselves at a very deep level -- even if superficially, right now, they don't feel it. Someday they will. And in my beliefs, someday they will turn away from that cruelty and feel love, because deep down they are love.

I haven't meditated today yet, but I'm finding it pretty easy to meditate and so far have not had any bad experiences from it (like falling into negative obsessions or seeing horrible things mentally). Unfortunately my anxiety often returns pretty quickly after meditating:( But, overall, my anxiety is much better than even a couple weeks ago. Maybe I am heading in an upward trend...

Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Taking this literally, I guess I could live without anyone, as long as there were still other people around. And I could live without anything other than food, water, shelter, etc. But I would find it very difficult to live without someone who could help me (the way Michael and my mother do). I can't live independently. So that's very important, though there are various people who could fill this role for me. And I would find it very difficult to live without love, both having people to love and being loved in return. I was very isolated in adolescence and couldn't get really close to friends due to my family situation and I wasn't close to my family. That was hard, though I wasn't depressed. I was just dissociated. I don't think I could do that again, though. People are too important to me.


( 30 Day Meme )

In Authentic Happiness it mentioned the importance of having a meaning to your life. Sometimes in bipolar episodes I would dwell a lot on my life purpose and whether I could even justify continuing to live at the expense of other living things. Sometimes I thought that maybe there was a trick to being alive and we were all meant to kill ourselves so we would no longer kill other things in order to exist. I'd also obsess over what choice I made would benefit the most other living beings (including micro-organisms). However, I generally maintained the outlook that the world was an enchanting place that was primarily good and human beings were also fascinating and primarily good. I never really felt hopeless to affect people and the world in positive ways, though I would be keenly aware of the times I had negative impacts.

Usually, though, I have had a feeling of meaning in life and my idea of that hasn't changed much. Around age 12 I became more aware of other living creatures and how I didn't want to hurt them and wanted to do good. For me the purpose in life is to help other living beings as much as you can while also enjoying your life and finding happiness and hope in whatever you can. The world is a good place with many tools you can use to improve circumstances for yourself and others. Kindness and mercy are of the utmost importance. Forgiveness should always be cultivated -- though it took awhile to see that forgiveness didn't have to mean having abusive people in your life. Being grateful and aware of how much others sacrifice for you was also always important. Also I've always believed in God and prayed to God, though I see God as everywhere and largely beyond comprehension. For me God was always intimately tied to my beliefs about meaning in life. I want to experience God as purely and openly as possible and allow love to fill my life. I equate God with love and love in the world is of the utmost importance to me. I want to feel as much love as I can and to spread love to others and reassure living things that they are loved and appreciated. Life is difficult and filled with many roadblocks, but being able to see the good in life and fill yourself with love and happiness, contributing to the love and happiness of as many beings as possible and in as much depth as possible, makes living purposeful and worthwhile even in the darkest times.