Journey through Faerieland

Social (23)
(4)1) Generally, I positively associate with the idea of being a part of something larger than myself. Though I may find it either overwhelming, because of my astute awareness of what lies beyond my own interests, or inspiring.
(3)2) I am very aware of the impact my decision will have on others and can be quite attuned to their reactions and needs. I read people well.
(3)3) Being recognized or valued by my peers or community, for my contributions, is important to me.
(3)4) I tend to have strong opinions on social change and/or social constructs and trends.
(1)5) I am aware of not only my own relationships, but also power structures and the nature of bonds between other people. I have a deep understanding of interconnectedness between groups and people who comprise them. In other words, I am good at perceiving the many facets of how a group works within its context and outside of it. I easily pick up on how I fit into the social hierarchy, whether or not I approve of it.
(1)6) I am socially aware, but I can also be reserved and socially distant.
(1)7) If I gravitate towards group (s)/institution (s)/gathering(s)of my choosing, I can be quite involved with championing the values and goals of this grouping.
(1)8) I tend to keep track of current events, even when not required to for my career performance.
(2)9) At my worst I am either strongly conformist or excessively anti-society/counter culture. At my best, my relationships with others are ones of healthy interdependence, and I may be inclined to strong individual leadership or display deep commitment in establishing teamwork and collaboration.
(4)10) "no man is an island." Everything is part of an interconnected web, like it or not.

Self Preservation (39)
(5)1) I am acutely aware of my physical safety (though sometimes I will choose to do something dangerous anyway)
(4)2) when I go to a party, I immediately notice the temperature, the smells and where the food is
(3)3) I am very health conscious
(5)4) financial/career, physical and/or romantic security are very important to me
(3)5) if I have an injury or a health related problem, I typically notice quickly
(3)6) I tend to save a decent amount of my money (explained below)
(5)7) predictability is important to me. the sooner I can know about things in advance, the better.
(5)8) when I'm under stress, things like health, finances, hygiene or other things that I normally stay on top of start to slip, sometimes severely.
(2)9) I'm acutely aware of cause and effect, particularly when the potential consequences are dire. if my friends listened to me more, they'd end up making a lot less stupid mistakes
(5)10) physical comfort is important to me. I can get distracted by things like uncomfortable seats, high humidity or bodily pain when I'm trying to enjoy time with my friends

Sexual (37)
(2)1) I have an addictive personality
(2)2) "if it's not worth doing in excess, it's not worth doing at all"
(2)3) people generally think I'm "too much". in lots of situations, I feel like it's expected of me to tone myself down considerably (which I will either refuse to do or do so begrudgingly)
(5)4) my energy is either "on" or "off". when I'm in the presence of someone who I vibe with my mind does an internal "YES! FINALLY!" and I try to start a conversation with that person
(5)5) I can be obsessive with my love interests. I am either clingy or have to try very hard not to be
(4)6) I feel like a part of me is missing and am looking for someone to complete me. at times, this creates a raw sort of longing that can lead to emotional volatility
(5)7) I have strong impulses (particularly with regards to relationships). I frequently wish I didn't have to be so damn careful
(4)8) if I'm not in a relationship, I feel old. I don't know how it's possible for people to be happy without passionate intimacy, because being without it makes me feel dead
(5)9) I only feel alive when indulging my passions. sometimes this causes me to neglect other areas of my life
(3)10) people either love me or hate me, but either way, my personality grabs attention, whether I want it to or not

I'm feeling depressed about my life. I've accomplished so little in the past year other than stay alive. I've had symptom after symptom pop up. Abnormal test result followed by abnormal test result with no "real" answer. Nothing that connects the dots. When I get my dizzy spells, Michael worries what they mean. My brother and mother were hoping for a tumor in the pituitary gland. Hoping for a tumor... How low do you have to sink for that? My mentality is way off. I like the internet, but don't get enjoyment the way I used to out of in-person socializing. I don't feel like sending emails, though, either. I have nothing to say. I do nothing that would interest other people. My main enjoyment comes from helping other people and giving to other people. Hence, Project Snow makes me happy. Helping a loved one less fortunate who could benefit not only financially from me, but from my knowledge of things like make up and clothing, etc.

I'm reading a book right now and it says how everything is conscious. You can incarnate as literally anything and reincarnate as anything. It's like, I've thought this since I was 11 years old. I've prayed for the souls of living and non-living things for many, many years. People need a book on it? I get people have different beliefs, but this stuff is so ingrained in my heart. I'm feeling less desire to be partnered (who knows? Maybe that's just my lack of libido). I wouldn't mind becoming a nun, but I do not agree with the Catholic church. Maybe Buddhist? I am ready to take a vow of poverty and a vow of celibacy. I no longer feel fit for this world. At times that scares me and I think I'm going to die soon, having finished with this life. I feel like I've already lived through so much and learned so much from everything.

This sickness leaves me feeling haunted. My body is disjointed, not interacting properly with the environment. It is not running well. Neither is my mind, personality, or spirit. I am full of love for everyone. That is the one thing intact. I am bursting with love. I feel quite strange.

Wow. An ex-friend certainly went to great lengths to break Michael's heart. She's proven herself to be quite the little liar.... All those morals and ethics she talks about? Non-existent. All for show. Can't say I feel too sorry for her about her problems now that her "true self" has been revealed. Yikes.

28. What is your love language?
Words of Affirmation, with all the others pretty equal and closely behind.

( 30 Day List Meme )

17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
Dealing with stressful, anxiety-provoking, scary, painful, negative, unjust, and cruel situations.

( 30 Day List Meme )

Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better
Being reassured that I am loved and accepted -- especially when specifics are given by someone who does love me.
( 30 Day Meme List )

Michael and I had a discussion about our spirituality. We are similar in some of our beliefs, though Michael is more cynical than me in some ways. Also he tends to be more scholarly, reading many religious texts, whereas spirituality for me is more experiential. I sometimes get ecstatic experiences where I feel one with God and the universe. It is incomparable bliss. I also just "feel" like God is with me at all times, like a friend. I pray regularly. I believe in panentheism -- that God encompasses the universe and more. I connect my spirituality a bit with my feeling-oriented, creativity-oriented, lateral thinking brain. I'm more "right-brained," as the term goes (not that that's a very accurate description of what goes on in the brain).

Well I have decided what I am going to paint, partly thanks to my friend Maria. I'm going to paint bicyclists on a nature path. I did a pastel drawings of bicyclists in high school and won a cash prize for it. It will be a challenge with acrylic paints, but hopefully I can pull it off:-)

I started reading a fascinating book called Cloaked by the author of Beastly, Alex Flinn. I will read more of that tonight.

I've been spending a lot of time on Personality Cafe and PM'ing with one member about literature. She's the same super mature and intelligent 19 year old I mentioned before. I am inspired to read biographies on Emily Dickinson now. I've always related to her and adored her poetry and I'd like to see more about her. My mother used to compare me to Andy Warhol when teachers would complain about how difficult and sensitive I was, though upon reading biographies on him I don't really relate to him. I'm weird, yes, but a different kind of weird. Probably more of an Emily Dickinson weird;-)

I've also been editing more of my poems, some on my recovery from anorexia. Some are rather dark, but I like a lot of them, even in retrospect. They are very honest.

I became a little depressed tonight, but it's under control. I took extra Neurontin (not too much). It's helping. I think I'm still just a little ashamed and on-edge. I have this weird thing where I don't need everyone to like me, but I don't deal well when people think I'm a bad or mean person.:( It seems a lot more personal if someone thinks you're a bad person...

Michael and I have some differences in how we've felt about our past in relation to other people. We are about equally extroverted -- just more extroverted in different ways. Sometimes Michael feels like he always has to have outside social contact in-person (he says this is because he didn't have it as a child/teenager). I often don't need as much contact as him. Sometimes he will be more talkative than me, but sometimes that's the other way around. I am more trusting about people and open up easier than Michael (at least, for the most part). I often talk on behalf of both of us.

Michael also has a history of deep loneliness due to lack of friends and not being able to relate to people. I intensely miss people I'm already close to, but I don't usually feel "lonely" in and of itself. In fact, I'm not really sure what it's like to feel lonely other than missing concrete people who already exist in my life. And I'm pretty good at dealing with long-distance relationships or seeing each other less than most couples. I also often lacked friends and never had a boyfriend/girlfriend until college, but that didn't bother me. I resented my father for the fact that he was so dangerous and controlling so I couldn't really have a social life, but I didn't mind being by myself with few friends. My autism also made it hard to find friends I related to closely. Still, Michael was depressed in his youth and, despite the abuse I faced, I was not. I loved immersing myself in Sailor Moon. That was good enough for me. And I don't think I'm lying to myself or anything -- I just don't tend to get lonely. I was a mostly happy child when I wasn't being abused or overloaded. Until my first depressive episode at age 19 I was probably happier than the average person (and I know I was at age 18 when I was hypomanic).