Journey through Faerieland

I found out something interesting when my mother was visiting -- apparently I started drawing (not just scribbling, but focusing for long periods of time and drawing) at 15 months old. I am guessing that is an "autistic thing." A lot of autistics start doing things early/late. Art is one of my biggest talents. Great news is that my mother's boyfriend may be able to have me sponsored through his rotary club to take art classes at the Dupage Art League! That would add more structure to my life and I could improve my art. I also could enter their art shows again. I feel like, knowing I was basically doing art before I was speaking, that I am meant to do art. That is what I was doing when I didn't fear judgment, when I didn't worry about messing up or not living up to someone's standards. Art is my calling.

"Unfortunately, because people on the spectrum experience and express empathy differently than neurotypical people, they have traditionally been viewed as lacking empathy and feelings for others. Recent research has not supported this idea, however. Researchers have divided empathy into cognitive empathy and emotional empathy. Cognitive empathy happens when you think about another person's feelings without necessarily feeling anything yourself. "The relatives of the deceased are sad," but you don't necessarily feel sad yourself. Through a purely intellectual exercise you have arrived at a correct answer. Emotional empathy happens when you not only correctly identify the other person's feeling but also feel some of the same emotion yourself. In the funeral example, you would be experiencing emotional empathy if you said to yourself, "I feel sad when I think about how sad these people are." Your sadness is coming not from the fact that you lost someone (you did not know the deceased) but from your empathy for the people who did lose someone.

Interestingly, some recent research has revealed that on tests of cognitive empathy people with ASDs tend to score lower (show less cognitive empathy) than neurotypicals. However, on tests of emotional empathy, people with ASDs scored higher, indicating that people on the spectrum actually feel more intense emotion in the face of the troubles or distress of another person(s). Some people on the spectrum report, in fact, that they get very anxious when someone else is in distress because they believe it is their responsibility to alleviate the other person's pain by fixing the problem. The pressure they put on themselves can get overwhelming if they don't know what to do to help."
-pg. 69, Living Well on the Spectrum, by Valerie Gaus

This is so true for me! I used to think I couldn't be autistic because I always felt so much emotional empathy. I do lack cognitive empathy often, though. Just seeing someone upset upsets me. And I always feel like I have to fix other people's problems so they can be happy. I don't doubt some autistics have trouble with both types of empathy (cognitive and emotional), but I think I've met more with extreme emotional empathy than lack of it.

Results of Michael's psych assessment today: Michael does have ADD/ADHD, but he does not have OCD -- He is on the Autism Spectrum. This explains a lot. He will give me more information when he gets home and tomorrow he has a psychiatrist appointment with his old psychiatrist, who also works with autistic people (good fortune).

I found out about LiveJournal in autumn of 2001 when a friend from college showed me hers and wanted me to start my own. However, I was new to the internet and didn't "get it." I couldn't think of what I would write about (hah! How things have changed...). Eventually I started my LiveJournal in spring of 2004 after a bad break up when I was very lonely and had just been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome (later changed to just "autism"). I wanted to join the asperger community and I was already reading the journals of some autistics (like moggymania). It gave me a social outlet when I was extremely isolated. I had never used internet forums, either, though I did use instant messengers by this point.

( 365 Day Meme )

I'm really agitated right now. I tried to be assertive and talked to others about a concern and it just backfired. It's so stressful... I might need to take a Klonopin.

April and Phil were supposed to go with Michael and me to the 11:15am UU service, but they backed out. We first needed my mother's boyfriend to put air in the car's tires (unexpectedly) and took a wrong turn, but got to the church on-time. The sermon was supposed to be about pluralism and nihilism, involving quotes from Moby Dick, but it was changed last-minute to be about the shooting in Arizona and the death of a couple church members very recently. Apparently the boy who did the shooting had some violent acts on his record that would have prevented him from being able to buy a gun at a gun shop in Illinois (where I live), but not in Arizona. My father was a lunatic and owned tons of guns hidden everywhere and I don't like them much. I don't think anyone with violence on their record (other than self-defense) should be allowed to own a gun. Unfortunately, my eyes kind of glazed over the readings from Moby Dick because words often get lost on me when they are spoken as opposed to written. There were some other really sad things, like this woman whose dog just died:( I almost started crying. Though another woman had good news that her son was getting a service dog.

After the sermon we talked to people and everyone was very nice. I had to explain to one woman I couldn't work due to my autism and she said it must not affect me very severe socially:P It's true my autism affects me worse in other areas and I know a lot of autistics who are less disabled than me in all other areas except socially. I know a lot of non-autistics worse than me socially. Michael's response to this woman was "it depends" and "she's come a long way." But really, even in college I could put on a social mask, even when I had trouble understanding spoken words and small talk was meaningless to me. Ritalin LA also helps. Sometimes I seem normal and sometimes people mistake me for being socially retarded. We talked to the woman who is leading the UU membership classes and she has a nephew with Asperger's Syndrome. That came up when Michael was talking about his OCD and how he may have to leave the classroom (for the first UU membership class) due to gum chewing. Fortunately he managed okay just sitting in the back of the room. The class was interesting, though felt a little long to me. The next class is supposedly more interactive. They provided us with a big lunch -- sandwiches, carrot sticks, apple slices, cheese sticks, potato chips, and brownies. Some people also got food from the potluck going on in the main room. The youth group in the sanctuary next to us was having a class on sexuality. They have a class like that starting with first grade and going up through the end of high school (but not for every single grade).

I don't know how I'm going to get there on days when Michael isn't around, but I signed up for the free yoga classes. It's only 5 classes. I don't know if I can get my mother to take me at least to the first class... She only has one well-behaved car right now and she drives my brother to and from work. Hopefully she can take me if my brother isn't working then or will get off later than my class ends. It's rather frustrating to me because my brother doesn't even have to pay for anything other than beer or cigarettes, so his job doesn't seem that important to me and I'm sure arrangements could be made...

I also singed up for this:
Building Your Own Theology

During this class, we will examine varieties of religious experience, ethics, ultimate reality, and the meaning and purpose of life. Participants are invited develop their personal credo statements: the fundamental religious beliefs, values and convictions that inform and direct the living of your life. Preparation: Short readings will be assigned each week in preparation for the next class. Prior to the first class, participants may receive the reading as a hard copy or via e-mail.

***

Hopefully Michael will join that class with me so I will have transportation. Though my brother usually doesn't work Sundays, and especially not early. I would need to be dropped off at the church before 11:15pm and picked up at 4pm. I really want to take these classes...

It was ironic I wrote before I left about how much I hated changes in plans or travel. I prepared myself to go to a bunch of unfamiliar suburbs so Dan and Michael could go looking for the toys they collect. I went with because I wanted to eat at Rally's/Checkers, which I used to get all the time when we visited my grandmother in Florida. There are no locations anywhere near where I live. It's about 45 minutes from where Michael lives and Michael lives 45 minutes from me. I did pretty well traveling and going to the stores and then looked forward to the food. I really liked the food. There is no inside part to Rally's -- just a drive thru and pick up window and a parking lot. We parked while we ate. Then the car wouldn't start. No one would help us. Eventually someone who worked in the fast food place agreed to help jump start the car. It was taking too long, so they left. Michael called his father to come down and help. He arrived an hour later. Then we spent a long time trying to jump the car again. Finally, finally the car started and didn't die! I had taken 2 Klonopins during this time and was really depressed and getting ritualistic and superstitious. I just had to get out of there. I was in a totally unfamiliar place, stranded. I tried to read, but it was difficult to focus. I also worried I would have to use the bathroom and there was no bathroom there. We just got back home. It's true I could have reacted a lot worse than I did and had some kind of meltdown, but I didn't. Though I also didn't remain very optimistic or pleasant. I'm going to bed soon.

From: http://www.tenthousandquestions.com/2010_03_01_archive.html
Think different
If you could upgrade your own brain like a computer, which would be a bigger help: more memory, or a faster thought processor? If you could add one premium package of software to gain a special skill, what might that software be called?

Since I often get racing thoughts I'm not sure if having a faster thought processor would be good... Though maybe I'd be able to drive if I could react quickly and I'd be able to confront people about things more immediately instead of letting a lot of time passing sometimes when someone is inappropriate. On the other hand, sometimes I jump and get really upset instead of thinking things through first. I used to have a great memory, but it's gone now (I think because of Zyprexa). So I will say more memory would be good so I wouldn't need to keep rechecking things and would remember the books I read and so on.

For a special skill I'd like to offset my sensitivity with a barrier that makes my moods and feelings not so easily influenced by the feelings and opinions of others. I would just happily ignore people who were unkind or rude. I could take the constructive criticism while not being upset by the insults or rudeness. I sometimes get a lot of anxiety over reading emails or talking with someone who is a bit judgmental or blunt. Though sometimes I'm blunt, so I don't get mad about people being blunt.

If anyone's interested and doesn't know about it, there's a new autism site/forum specifically for women, though I've seen some men post, too, in some sections.

http://www.autismwomensnetwork.org/

I like it so far:-) Wrongplanet gets very annoying and the asd gestalt one often doesn't get much activity...

I have yet another problem with people. When a touchy subject comes up I often lash out. I get very narrow-minded and hyperfocused. I can sound over-analytical and nitpicky. Anything to make the world make sense again. Anything to be understood by others, even though that unfortunately means putting myself in a negative light. I just don't communicate like others and sometimes I sound more disliking of someone than I am. I get triggered on certain topics and react way too fast, I get racing thoughts, etc. I do really want to be a kind and compassionate person. I wish I didn't have these obsessions and sensitivities. I wish I could just get along with everyone. I feel so behind and alone sometimes. I wish my understanding of reality collided with other people's understanding of reality more often. I make rash decisions, but even when I put them off that just makes my volatility worse.

From fayanora

People on the autistic spectrum may have too much empathy instead of too little (this fits for me mostly!): http://www.thestar.com/article/633688