Journey through Faerieland

Day 08 – A moment

Being in the Mat-Su Valley part of Alaska with Amber, walking along the rocks of a stream connected to a glacier and collecting silt from a large glacier you can see from her house:-)

Day 09 – Your beliefs

Wow, this is a loaded question... I am a panentheist -- I believe that God is in everything and yet beyond everything that we are capable of knowing. I believe all the gods known exist as some type of spirit, and I believe there are spirits in all living, and some non-living, matter. I think I'm some kind of eclectic Christo-Pagan, starting to realize my Celtic roots. I feel connections to the goddesses Brigid (my namesake) and Persephone. I believe in reincarnation and other dimensions. I believe in heavens and a purgatory of some sort, where we all eventually realize the pain we cause others and feel that pain ourselves and feel remorse, but do not believe in any kind of hell. I follow the teachings of Jesus, but do not believe in the trinity or the idea that he is literally God anymore than any of us are (though I believe he was a prophet). I believe in ghosts and spirits of all kinds. I believe there is no death of the soul and eternity is true existence -- time is an illusion.

I believe in treating others how they wish to be treated, as long as that doesn't infringe on the rights of others -- including your own. Politically I'm very liberal, though I used to be pro-life. This was because of my belief that even bacteria and stones possess souls and it seemed a risk to kill something that might already be living. Yes, I felt bad for sperm that died. Now I see abortion as sometimes necessary and a right, but one that should be treated seriously and not forced on anyone. No one should be guilted into it or guilted for choosing it.

I'm in the process of trying to become a "mostly vegetarian" (meaning vegetarian except for maybe 4 times a year) and buy cruelty-free products. I believe all living things are of equal importance and want to do as little damage and as much good as possible.



( 30 Day Meme List )

I'm feeling a little irritable right now, but I don't know why... I will probably take my night medications soon and try to meditate. I tried calling Amber, but she didn't answer her cellphone. I miss her... Michael and Dan went out to stores for stuff for Michael's Gundam models. They will probably get back late, as usual. I might go out with a friend (Teal) tomorrow morning, so I shouldn't stay up late. I am craving chocolate chip muffins. I love them so much! Today has been pretty ordinary. Dan is spending the night because it is very cold tonight and he usually lives out of his car.

Meeting Amber for the first time, the day of move-in for college freshmen. Amber was in the room across from my roommate and me. Her parents were with her, hooking up her computer. My roommate and I went to talk to them and introduced ourselves, smiling and saying hi. Amber smiled, but said nothing. I found that peculiar. We talked to her parents instead. Apparently, though, Amber was surprised at how nice we seemed and she was happy to see us.

( 365 Day Meme )

The stuffed horse I knit/made with Amber when I last visited her:-)

( 365 Day Meme )

I took a Klonopin because I was feeling stressed out earlier, and it helped. Amber emailed me back and wants to talk over the internet through a chat program! She used to use a webcam with me and I have a webcam on my laptop so maybe we could do that too. I don't know if I have a microphone on my computer or if I need to buy one... When I try to search for a microphone on my computer I can't find one, but I found a way to record sounds and it worked when I talked to my computer, it's just my voice was very faint... Does that mean there is a microphone since there was sound and something just needs to be adjusted? Thinking about all this is part of what made me anxious, even though I do desperately want to talk to Amber.

I've also been thinking of Iowa lately (where I went to college). I'd really like to go back and look around Cedar Rapids and Iowa City and maybe stop back at the college itself and eat at the snack bar. Maybe April would want to come with;-) Maybe even Phil, too. We could stay overnight at a hotel... My mother used to take me to a hotel every block break when she would visit me there. I miss the cornfields (though we have them in Illinois south of where I live). I miss the harvest moon I saw one time on a trip back to campus. I miss the little shops. I'd also like to return to Salem, Massachusetts and Washington DC, but those would be more expensive trips. I wish my aunt hadn't moved from Bethesda to an isolated part of Florida:( Michael wants to go to New Mexico and I want to go to Arizona. There are so many places I would like to go, in and out of the U.S.!

I think I'm getting constipated again and needed Ibuprofen for the abdominal pain. I won't use more laxatives until I see my doctor on Monday and find out what she says about all my sickness. Maybe this problem will be resolved by then, anyway. My more flu-like symptoms have been better today, though I had bad stomachaches all night (again, could be related to IBS and not this flu-like thing I've had). But I am feeling better in a lot of ways! I hope I sleep better tonight. I finally finished reading a library book Michael has to take home with him on Sunday and hopefully tomorrow I will get started on writing penpal letters (actually, I may start one right now as Michael mows the lawn).

Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to a scrapbooking party April is having. I packed up my scrapbooking stuff that I want to take. I haven't scrapbooked in awhile...

Volunteering at the cat shelter went well today, but it was mostly another overview of how things are done. Then we played with the cats. April wants to go a bit earlier in the morning so we can help with cleaning more, which makes sense to me, but I'm second-guessing it. I had fairly annoying allergies when I got home from the shelter, though I felt fine there. I think my cat allergies are lingering. I may just try and get there at 11am and help finish any cleaning and just play with the cats for awhile (since they need attention) and go home after I start to feel ill. There was a boy there today who came specifically to give the cats attention. Some of them are very sweet! They also had a bake sale, but it rained a lot. Two of the cats were supposed to go to a cat show but the hail and approaching tornado tore the tents down and the show was canceled. So the cats were brought back to the shelter. Both my mother and Michael did buy sugar cookies from their bake sale, though.

I'm writing a letter to Amber today, that I will mail by regular mail. It's just a general, friendly letter. I like to send them from time to time. Today I also got anxious while watching Tsubasa with Michael. I took a Klonopin and it worked. I just don't know why I'm getting random anxiety about nothing of which I'm conscious. So far I think I'm adjusting well from taking Zyprexa to taking Geodon.

I finally read through all the archives of the positivity blog I've been reading. I love the quotes and some of the posts, though a lot of posts were repetitive. I never really thought before about being able to change my thoughts and feelings. I'd heard of being an observer of your thoughts and feelings, but I didn't really understand it so I didn't try to apply it. I'm trying not to judge my emotions and thoughts, but to let the unpleasant ones just exist and float by instead of clinging to them. I get stuck in negative thought loops too easily, but I've been doing better. I may still be bipolar and need medication, but I can still work on savoring things in life and being a happier person. I also definitely want to worry less, since that gets in the way of being truly happy and it isn't useful. I'm trying not to dwell on the past, but sometimes to remember good memories to inspire me. I want to be a positive person even in difficult situations. I used to be very optimistic (and still am) when I'm hypomanic, but I want to feel that way normally and have that kind of perspective most of the time. I know I do mess up on this still, but progress takes awhile.

Some positive thoughts:
1. I had one of my earlier novels read by a literary agent and got useful feedback, even though they decided not to represent me. I can have this happen again with time and hard work.
2. I used to win art contests all the time. If I keep practicing my painting and drawing eventually I will win a merit award at one of the local art league's art shows.
3. I have very good memories with Amber, at Cornell and in Alaska, and we can have good memories like that made in the future if I'm patient and treat her with love and kindness since she still wants to be friends.
4. Even though Tim and I got off to a bad start, we've put judgments aside and are friends now. I used to view Izzy as "the enemy" and even recently was quite rude to her, but we're talking friendly to each other again. People I might perceive as my enemies or I judged in the past might be my friends in the future, or at least tolerable acquaintances.
5. I've met Maria and Mireia through Michael and some great people on LiveJournal, all of whom I consider friends, so there will always be more people out there that I can form relationships with even if other friends grow more distant. I've also grown closer to April and both of us have learned a lot over the years of our friendship and are better friends and people because of it.
6. I have issues with my appearance, but overall I much prefer my appearance to how I looked in middle school and high school, so I should like how I look and not pick on myself so much. How I look is fine and most people don't really care.
7. I've learned so much over the years, some things I didn't think I could learn, so I will probably continue learning a lot in the future -- including a lot of practical and self-sufficiency tools.
8. When I look back on my past overall I see many positive, happy-making things, despite my depressions and worrying and disappointments, so I should enjoy all the moments I have now so I enjoy the present as much or more than I did the past. I won't take happy things for granted anymore.
9. I really wanted to be in a caring, intense, devoted relationship with Him, but now I have that with Michael whom always loves and respects me and we provide each other with many wonderful things and feelings. Things turned out for the best, even though I was traumatized with him. It will get easier with the passage of time.

I have a tendency to obsess and/or perseverate on people. It's thought I may have OCD partly because of my intense, negative obsession on certain people and certain social encounters. I do have other OCD tendencies, though. For awhile I doubted I had autism/Asperger's because I was so intensely focused on people, but it really started in college (though I had some long-term obsessions over individuals prior to that, I didn't really focus on my social situation as a whole or get really "into" friends in a normal way). I wanted to make friends and make people feel good just by being a nice person. I generally like people, so this wasn't an arduous task -- it just meant focusing in more on each person's situation, buying more gifts, offering help whenever possible, trying to always be emotionally supportive, etc. I figured I had a lot of emotional reciprocity, but in reality a lot of the people I hyperfocused on weren't as focused on me, so it wasn't so reciprocal. Sometimes this bothered me and sometimes it didn't. I was really focused on being as giving and kind as possible in college and my goal wasn't to make everyone like me so much as to be a good person. Though I loved it when people seemed to really like me. And I was heartbroken when people I'd been close to seemed to distance themselves from me. That still is really hard for me to cope with. I get very attached to people and the attachment only really disappears if the person was quite abusive and made me feel bad.

I regret the people I've hurt -- because despite my usually good intentions, sometimes I can be extremely verbally cruel. Usually it's always some verbal lashing out. Not rumors or cruelty in other manners, but verbal cruelty can do a lot of damage. I know it does to me. I am sorry to the people I blew off, thinking I didn't really do much wrong, because I was hyperfocused on helping/gaining the attention of another person at the time. I've been mean to a lot of friends at some time or another -- sometimes when I was focusing on another person and sometimes when I was focusing on them and became frustrated at things not going how I wanted. I'm so lucky I have such good friends that have, for the most part, forgiven me. I want to be less codependent and just be kind to people because I like doing so, without hoping for too much in return. I love close relationships so sometimes I hope for too much or ask for too much from someone. I need to develop more emotional independence. I think with that I would be kinder, too, because I wouldn't have those desperate emotions I sometimes get. I have April and Mireia and now even Maria (though Mireia and Maria are long-distance friends so I can't just get together with them or anything). Amber can't be close to me right now, but hopefully someday our relationship will return to normal. If it doesn't, I'm just going to have to find out a way to cope somehow. Though it is awfully painful to think of losing her after we spent years so close.

I suppose one quality I actually do like in myself is my lack of pretensions. I tend to mean exactly what I say, say things in whole so there are no misleading sentiments, and feeling like I know who I am and not having to prove anything to anyone. If I act like I like you, I like you, and if I don't like you, I ignore you or tell you why I don't like you. In college I still tried to like people who were inherently abusive and wouldn't stand up to them. I'd just feel bad for them. I still tend to feel bad when someone has problems, but I no longer put on a false smile to please them. I try to be very open about the kind of person I am and my strengths and weaknesses.

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I always accept apologies if they seem sincere and the person is making an effort to change. I don't think Amber's husband Timothy accepted my profuse (and many) apologies. I guess I might find out for sure someday...