Journey through Faerieland

I'm going to start working on April's picture soon. It's hard for me to concentrate, but once I get started on drawing, it's easy for me to continue usually. I have to stop obsessing over my illness(es). My brother and I used the same phrase to describe what it seemed my new endocrinologist was doing in trying to blame my high prolatin on Zyprexa (which my psychiatrist highly doubts): grasping at straws. Everything points to a tumor of a decent size, but there is no tumor. Even if there is a tiny mass of cells secreting Prolactin (an extremely tiny tumor), why all the headaches? Why the seizures? Why the vision problems? Also the cabergoline hasn't really helped yet. Maybe it has lowered my Prolactin level, I don't know, but I still have the same symptoms. I've been on it less than 2 weeks, though... My brother told me a few days ago that he had said to my mother, "I know it sounds weird, but I kind of hope my sister does have a tumor," and apparently my mother agreed with him. Because a prolactinoma is easy to treat, clear-cut -- it would make sense out of this mess. Now we are back to not knowing. Back to more testing and being ill. Who knows when this will be solved?

However, one thing I think I figured out -- my hip pain is bursitis. My grandfather had that and I think my mother does.

Wow. An ex-friend certainly went to great lengths to break Michael's heart. She's proven herself to be quite the little liar.... All those morals and ethics she talks about? Non-existent. All for show. Can't say I feel too sorry for her about her problems now that her "true self" has been revealed. Yikes.

I keep having stomach cramps, sometimes to the point I feel like I will throw up. My digestive system is a little messed up, I think. I don't know if it's the Zoloft or something else.

Michael's replacement phone wasn't working properly last night, but right now it seems to be. Hopefully it will continue to work. That was a huge problem and caused Michael to have a meltdown. I didn't exercise yesterday because the phone thing happened right when I was intending to exercise and then I was too drained from Michael's meltdown and just wanted to go to bed.

I want to start a new painting today, but haven't yet figured out what I will paint. I think a city scene. I will have to look through my photographs. I will at least outline the painting today or put down a layer of paint.

We are probably going to Naperville today to pick up a phone from Michael's sister that he could possibly use if his current replacement phone stops working again. We will also be seeing friends.

I only read a little bit yesterday. I hope to read more today. I probably will at the friend's house while they play video games or watch a movie.

I also should edit more poems today. And I should get back into writing them. I just feel like I need to catch up in the editing, but that's going to take me months, so I should probably just start writing new poems again, too.

1. I'm unable to work
2. I have a very limited income and don't know if I will remain in a financially okay position
3. I have a bunch of skin conditions that are really annoying and can be rather gross
4. I have a lot of mental health conditions
5. I am not supposed to drive/can't drive due to neurological issues

( 365 Day Meme )

I'd probably be disappointed that I never finished school (I don't even have a GED -- I was eventually homeschooled/tutored and was accepted into colleges more based on my SAT/ACT scores). I never got a job, let alone a good or interesting one. I developed mental illness that caused me a lot of pain. Things would never be fixed with my father. There would be financial difficulties. But there would be good things, too... I just think more subtle things, so my initial reaction to my current life would likely be disappointment.

( 365 Day Meme )

I'm upset and I may be being unreasonable. I pre-ordered The Last Unicorn comics from conlan press (associated with the author). I could have bought the issues cheaper and without paying shipping through a comic book store, but that didn't occur it. The first two issues were late coming out and the third never came out at all. There was some publishing mix up and Conlan Press didn't get the newer comics and wouldn't be for months, so they offered people like me, who pre-ordered all the comics, the choice of getting the full, hard-cover graphic novel without charge and without receiving the rest of the individual comics. I chose this -- also the book would be personally signed. This book, again, has been delayed many months. I got it today -- and my name is misspelled in it! They spelled it Bridgette instead of Bridgett. This really upsets me. I spent like $45 on the comics, didn't get them all, and now have a long-awaited book with my name wrong. I contacted the publisher about this, but I doubt they will do anything.

Church today was beautiful, as always! But today the pianist played and sang "In the River of Dreams" by Billy Joel and a James Taylor song and the congregation sang another James Taylor song. The focus on the service was about how the earth is our paradise on earth and we have to care for it and do good in the world. However, we also can't focus on fixing everything and being perfect because that will cause burnout. We just have to do what good we can manage while being mentally healthy.

Then Michael went to move his car closer to the church and the car wouldn't start-_- That freaked me out majorly. Fortunately a church member had jumper cables and the car started immediately -- unlike a few months back when Dan's car needed jumping and it took like an hour and two different people trying to help. Michael thinks he may have left the lights on when we went into the church, but I don't know if that would be the only cause (it was only a couple hours...). I just hope that problem is over now. We plan to eventually buy a new car, but we're waiting for this one to completely die. When we do buy a new (used) car we will bring my mother and her boyfriend with us, as her boyfriend is a mechanic. Also if the car needs towing at some point we will tow to his station, which is very convenient. I was so worried about the car, though, that I only read about 75 pages of my Wicked Lovely book during the break between church and the Building Your Own Theology class.

The class was fun, again! Some of our reading had been on moral codes so we tried to come up with our own (shared) moral code. My contribution was to not seek revenge, which a girl amended with seeking justice, but not revenge. That's fine with me. I do believe people should be held responsible for their actions, I just personally find I can have a vengeful attitude and I don't want to live that way. I don't want to ever seek vengeance and I want to find ways to soothe my anger so I can deal with situations fairly and rationally, not allowing the cruelties of others to lead me to be cruel.

We also drew pictures of what we saw as God/the Absolute/the Ultimate Reality -- a picture of what we thought of that as a child, a teenager, and an adult. There was a list of names for the Ultimate Reality listed, but they were all singular, which was pointed out, which wouldn't accommodate some pagans. Though the person who pointed it out actually wasn't one of the pagans or people into earth-centered religions. I drew a picture of the cross and an old bearded man because I used to believe a lot of traditional "Christian" things when I was little. I believed God could be vengeful as well as a loving father. The my teenage years were kind of an early version of what I believe in now -- panentheism where God is in all of nature/reality and beyond it. I didn't mention that I believe God is the source of love in our existence, but I do believe that.

We had a moral discussion on how morally permissible it would be to have a baby to use the bone marrow to save your dying teenage daughter (it was an article based on the situation the book My Sister's Keeper was based on). All of us except one found it permissible. One woman didn't because she didn't think the parents would be good parents to the child and the child might not feel really loved and feel used and it would have bad repercussions for the child's feelings about herself. This woman has had difficult times with her family, feeling unaccepted and unwanted by them, so I guess she sees her situation mirrored in the one of the child being born for the bone marrow.

I disagreed even though I probably have had similar experiences to her in my family. Michael often says my parents should never have been parents and it's probably true. However, I'm an optimist and I believe that a life has so much potential and, while I think people over-breed, I don't think a child shouldn't be born just because the situation isn't ideal. I brought up the fact that I was an unexpected pregnancy and my mother nearly aborted me, but I still am glad I was born. Sometimes I feel like I was unwanted, sure, and my parents often mistreated me. But my life is so much more than that. I feel that I would feel worse as a dying teenager knowing there was something that could help keep me alive that wouldn't (likely) involve in anyone dying than I would as a child brought into the world to save my sister's life. I could deal with knowing I was born to save someone's life. After all, I can deal with the fact that my parents were pretty bad parents and I wasn't really wanted as a baby and, in many ways, my birth ruined my mother's life.

It's raining a lot today and I got soaked so when I got home I changed into pajamas and Michael made me dinner. My mother picked up my prescription today so I didn't even have to go to Walgreen's. Though I need to get Miralax soon...

This is a major pet peeve of mine that I mentioned a variation of recently: Please do not assume that you know more than me about something regarding me. In this case, please do not assume I don't know the risks of medications I take. I know Zyprexa can be dangerous; I am given blood tests and have no dangerous side effects. It could always happen in the future, but right now the benefits outweigh the costs as no other medication helps me as much.

Also Ritalin LA does not give me panic attacks and isn't the cause of my recent meltdowns -- my bipolar most probably is the cause. I've been on Ritalin LA for awhile now, including while I was very stable, on the same dosage I am now. It calms me and lessens my anxiety and depression. Yesterday I took it twice a day instead of once and only had a few minutes of light anxiety. My brother also is not made more hyper or anxious on stimulants. He can drink a pot of coffee and go to sleep. Ritalin also doesn't interfere with my sleep. I'm most certain it is not the cause of my recent meltdowns and mood episodes. And, absolutely, DO NOT ORDER ME TO GO OFF A MEDICATION! You are not my doctor. I highly doubt you know more than my doctor (or even me, no matter how arrogant that sounds). If you have a suggestion or question, that is fine. But do not say I have to do something/can't do something or talk down to me like I don't understand myself or my medications.

Edit: To further explain, though, I do like when people suggest I look into trying different medications if I'm having a problem and saying why this other medication might be more helpful. I also like supplement suggestions as I don't know much about supplements.

It was ironic I wrote before I left about how much I hated changes in plans or travel. I prepared myself to go to a bunch of unfamiliar suburbs so Dan and Michael could go looking for the toys they collect. I went with because I wanted to eat at Rally's/Checkers, which I used to get all the time when we visited my grandmother in Florida. There are no locations anywhere near where I live. It's about 45 minutes from where Michael lives and Michael lives 45 minutes from me. I did pretty well traveling and going to the stores and then looked forward to the food. I really liked the food. There is no inside part to Rally's -- just a drive thru and pick up window and a parking lot. We parked while we ate. Then the car wouldn't start. No one would help us. Eventually someone who worked in the fast food place agreed to help jump start the car. It was taking too long, so they left. Michael called his father to come down and help. He arrived an hour later. Then we spent a long time trying to jump the car again. Finally, finally the car started and didn't die! I had taken 2 Klonopins during this time and was really depressed and getting ritualistic and superstitious. I just had to get out of there. I was in a totally unfamiliar place, stranded. I tried to read, but it was difficult to focus. I also worried I would have to use the bathroom and there was no bathroom there. We just got back home. It's true I could have reacted a lot worse than I did and had some kind of meltdown, but I didn't. Though I also didn't remain very optimistic or pleasant. I'm going to bed soon.

From time to time I am still having negative feelings or judgments, but I am getting better at noticing those thoughts/feelings and reasoning with myself why I shouldn't act on them and how those thoughts/feelings will pass. They always do pass. I go back to feeling happy with my life and the people I know. I don't want to ruin a relationship to spout vitriol which temporarily relieves me. Just reminding myself those negative thoughts and feelings will pass usually works, though a few times I have been caught off-guard and have been unkind back. I get so afraid of being walked all over again. I need to continue working on expressing myself and how something affects me while still being respectful and kind, even if the other person isn't respectful or kind back. I'm still too sensitive about what others' impressions of me might be. Criticism and accusations still give me panic attacks. If someone said something awful about me I'd probably take them too seriously instead of assuming the person saying such negative things probably has a problem they are taking out on me.

Sometimes I still feel powerless, but knowing I can change my perspective of myself and the world and taking steps to live a different lifestyle makes me feel more in-charge of my life and happiness. And my medication helps, too, so the anxiety and bipolar don't rule my life so much and I can make wiser decisions and don't feel bad for no reason. I still have to work on my worrying or focusing on the past or future instead of on the present. I am getting better about worrying about the future, though, and keeping my thoughts more on the present or near-present. The past I'm starting to see as an unfolding story that led me to wear I am now, which is overall a pretty good place, so even the bad things that happened seem purposeful and less destructive. It was a state of great pain and wishing to die that made me want to turn around my communications and focus. Hopefully those incidents in March that made me so desperate and depressed won't repeat themselves. I may feel very negative feelings and have very negative thoughts again at some point, especially due to being bipolar, but hopefully I've learned how to better handle those situations when they arise.