Journey through Faerieland

Not feeling anxious unless I leave my bed. Occasionally I can go out shopping, if there is a hint of a "reward." I overdraw my bank account by $4, but didn't get penalized. I also went over my credit card by about the same amount, but didn't get penalized. I've been taking from savings. I guess overspending has been helping me avoid my real problems and acted as a form of escapism. I've bought a lot of new clothes because nothing in my closet fits. Still gaining weight... I'm going to get my colors done into a personalized fan, which my mother thinks is a waste of money. Well buying new clothes in styles and colors that look good on me and obsessing over the color and style analysis is taking my mind off the fact that I look pregnant and feel fat. It's either this or *completely* starve myself and then end up back inpatient in the ED Ward and spend the money on that instead. Which would she prefer? I mean, I have no appetite. It's common at 11pm for me to ask Michael if I had remembered to eat that day.

John Kitchener, my favorite color/style analyst, I think, considers me half Romantic and half Youthful (AKA Ingenue in other systems). Both are completely yin. He said to think "Marilyn Monroe meets Emma Stone." That made me feel a little better about my appearance. I never before cared for Marilyn Monroe, but now I'm starting to. I want to learn more about her and watch "My Week with Marilyn" because she sounds like she was a very sweet and naive person. I'll always be an Audrey Hepburn first first, though. When I'm healthy my weight/size is a little closer to Audrey's (by a *smidge*) but I have a more rounded figure than her still and a face more like Marilyn's. So, still more of a Romantic.

John also said, color-wise, he saw Winter, Spring, and Summer in me and that I'm a tough case (no wonder I kept switching what season I thought I was!). He could see me as a Snowflake Winter (the shortest and most delicate -- personality-wise like Snow White or Alice from Alice in Wonderland), a Soft Spring, or a Summer. He said he saw a lot of "Subtle-Blended in me, AKA Summer). He is coming out with a book explaining all this next year. Very excited about it! He's a very kind man who adopted a litter of kittens (6!) and wrote on my FB and conversed with me despite his business and my inability to pay him. It's good I've decided to go the route of having a personalized fan made instead of a draping given that I probably don't fit neatly into one season (I'll see what my analyst has to say, but I think she agrees, as most do, that I am LSp mostly). I'm also a "Playful Winter: The Ballerina" in another typing system, which I love.

My mother is really tense and anxious lately and often takes it out on me. That makes me anxious and I feel like a failure. My brother can also have a snobby attitude, like he's in-charge of my mother's house. All the cats are over there now as she tries to sell this house. I still haven't gotten my salivary cortisol test results back! As I said before, I have osteoporosis and got those results back.

Izzy is back in the US! Saw her in Chicago first for a showing of My Neighbor Totoro and then to see the Chicago Art Institute's museum. We saw a special showcase of Impressionism, Fashion, and Modernity. Impressionism is my favorite so I'm so glad we went and saw it! I'd wanted to see it since I'd last been in Chicago months ago and I saw a poster for it at a bus stop. I was in a lot of pain, though, in my legs, hips, lower back, and shoulder wear I keep my purse. Maybe due to not enough exercise? I have no idea. I am okay sitting in bed, but sleeping or walking/standing hurts.

Today I went to a thrift shop today and bought a lot of tops, mostly in corals, light blues, and dark purples. I couldn't fit into a Medium Aeropostale top. That was... upsetting. At my healthy weight I comfortably wore a Small from there, both top and bottom.

A bad day and a good day. So far it's ending as a good day:-) Michael had some problems with Target last night (he had things on hold that were no longer on hold for him when he got there) and then today (not clear on what went wrong at Target today). Michael got massively lost trying to get to a friend's house to help him with antivirus stuff (this friend and his parents are more computer illiterate than even me). Michael calmed down then and had a much easier time making it home. He brought me back a blueberry cake doughnut that I ate with a small glass of milk. I love milk and tend to drink it with brownies, cake, cookies, doughnuts -- basically sweets of any kind, other than ice cream (which provides the milk for me;-). We watched Glee online. It got cut off at the very end, though:( Which is too bad because I'd like some reliable streaming for Glee since it's on the same night as my church's Crafting and Conversation.

We're going to email a nearby church member about carpooling to Crafting and Conversation. It would help a lot with gas. April brought up maybe visiting for a short while Tuesday night, but we love Crafting:( I am learning sign language there. I'm having trouble remembering K, P, and T. Pictures online don't help me. It's hard for me to convert something two dimensional into something three dimensional. I will just get some more assistance at church. They do have a sign language class on Mondays, but we're already using up so much gas for the church.:( Yoga will be held once a month again and I'm looking forward to that.

I wasn't too anxious today until I realized, by idly checking amazon, that my Sailor Moon and Codename: Sailor V manga had been delivered September 13th and I never received them! Someone would have brought them in from the porch. I think someone stole them. The money had been deducted from my bank account for them and I'd even written it in my checking account the day before arrival. I just forgot... But fortunately Michael called amazon and got to talk to someone right away about what happened and they are overnight shipping replacements for me! That made me really happy. Unfortunately Michael noticed my big surprise present for his birthday in my amazon.com account:( That made me feel bad...

Now I'm going to do some yoga and maybe meditate. I also want to read more (finished reading The Time Traveler's Wife). And I should clean the toilets and sink.

Today I took my cat, Joey, to the nearby groomer to get his claws trimmed. He was very scared of the dogs and was much more well-behaved than with the vet. The groomer said he was a Maine Coon! Nobody ever told me that before. From what I've read his behavior is very Maine Coon-like (a lap cat, very tolerant of being picked up in all different ways, purrs loudly and like a chirp, very affectionate, etc.) I have to try to brush my cats daily to prevent them from matting or shedding as much. Mrs. Bates is very matted. I may take her to a veterinarian to get groomed. I don't know yet.

I was a bit on-edge earlier and was making Michael anxious with my anxiety, so I took a Klonopin. I feel better now. I've been reading a lot of today. I might do a tarot reading soon and hopefully tonight we will be going to the Japanese Marketplace. I want to get a sandwich there:-) Maybe even two and I will bring one home... I still have extra cash left from our trip to San Francisco.

Tonight Michael and I will watch the anime version of "The Tales of Earthsea." I read the books and liked them well enough. The writing style wasn't the most interesting to me, but I liked the ideas and themes actually in the book, though.

I went from being in a terribly depressed mood the past three nights into an incredibly good mood tonight! I feel guilty for spending so much money this month on things I didn't need and I really want to save a little bit of money, but Christmas adventures seem more important! I want to go to a German Christmas festival in Chicago and look at all the crafts and other assorted goods. If I see something I really like and it's not too expensive Michael will buy it as an early birthday gift<3 My birthday is January 13, though I was due Christmas Eve (December 24). I also want to eat all the German foods listed by the vendors! I'm usually not an adventurous person when it comes to food, but I want to try the different desserts and meat-filled buns. Not the cheese or vegetable-filled buns, though. I also wish I could try the German hamburgers and potato pancakes. And I have a big craving for bratwurst now. I'm hoping this week I can get my mother to take me to the grocery store so I can get bratwurst and buns to put them on. That way I won't be tempted at the Christmas festival to get something I already know I like and can get at other times. Same with cheese strudel (if it is what I think it is, it is something cheese-like that I do consume). We might be able to go to this Christmas festival earlier in the day and then go to Lincoln Park Zoo at night for their lights festival (like the Brookfield Zoo thing I just went to). I will have to withdraw more money, but it would be worth it. At least I am 100% done with Christmas presents and just have to wrap some.

Also Michael was going to buy me the anime Romeo x Juliet for my birthday, but I can watch it on hulu.com and will only choose that over other things if I really, really like the series and feel I will rewatch it many times. I usually dread my birthday, but tonight I feel excited about it. Zyprexa must make me rapid cycle or something, because I am feeling insanely good right now. Though usually on Zyprexa my mood is stable (it's not like my mood is going up and down so much on a regular basis).

I'm stressed out over something really stupid. I lose things all the time and I seem to have lost the skirt that goes to my Lolita outfit that I wore to the anime convention (and planned on wearing it to next May's anime convention). I gave both the skirt and the dress to Michael to dry clean. He claims he dry-cleaned the skirt along with another skirt, thinking it wasn't connected to the dress. I have the other skirt in my closet and Michael claims he gave me both skirts at the same time. I can't find the skirt anywhere. He also had my dress for a very long time, but then I found out I could wash it in the washing machine -- I just couldn't dry it in the dryer. So I dug out the dress and washed it, finally realizing I didn't have my skirt. Michael can't find the skirt at his house and I can't find the skirt at my house. I'm really obsessing over this and upset. Michael doesn't think I should worry until he's had a chance to search my house for it, since I often lose things. I cleared out a few things from my closet that don't fit or are worn. I still have tons of clothes, though... I really hope the skirt turns up. I was freaking out so much I needed to take Klonopin. I'm still very tense and upset. The dress was kind of expensive, but not super expensive, and it is replaceable. I shouldn't get this worried. And if the skirt doesn't show up I'd probably be better off buying a different style of dress just in case the skirt shows up someday, and then I'd have two Lolita dresses instead of just one. I'm planning on dressing up in Renaissance clothing for Halloween, so I don't need the skirt soon... I just hate losing things! And I don't want to waste money. I only wore that dress/skirt once.

Despite doing well, I'm terrified my severe anxiety will return. I guess I'm anxious about getting anxious... I'm afraid I'm going to suddenly have a panic attack for no reason or to slip back into my obsessions. I'm not taking Klonopin, but I'm on-edge because I'm afraid. I also feel bad because I just bought a manga I didn't realize had been released (vol. 5 of The Shinji Ikari Raising Project of Neon Genesis Evangeion. It only cost $10, but I don't have much money right now and I'm waiting to see if my overnight hospital bill will come in this month. I have no idea how much it will cost or when the bill will arrive. I want to have enough money to cover that. If this wasn't lingering over my head I wouldn't feel so guilty for buying the manga. I did withdraw money from my account that I'm going to try to use for all in-person purchases this month, if it lasts. I withdrew it mostly to buy gifts at the Ginza Festival (this weekend's Japanese festival in Chicago), but I also need to use it to pay for medications, Miralax, and things like that. I know I shouldn't worry too much, because I can borrow money from my mother or Michael and if I'm careful I should be all right, but I hate dealing with finances.

The second (and last day for me) was fun at the convention. However, I was really tired from yet again not enough sleep for me and I forgot to take my ritalin before going. My appetite was out of control from the Zyprexa and I felt very upset that I couldn't eat. Finally I got to eat and I ate too fast and felt sick. The panels I saw today were on Evangelion and the Persona video games. Two hours each, one right after the other, in the same room. But I enjoyed them. I tried to make myself focus (something I'm not great at unless I'm obsessing -- though Evangelion used to be an obsession and sometimes still is). Michael is out getting me ice cream now. He will return to the convention tomorrow for a little while (it doesn't last the full day). Tonight he and I will watch some things and go to bed early. I also noticed I need to work on my anxiety because of my trouble staying focused. I tend to think of my obsessions or current unsolved issues. Though my anxiety helps a lot with the emotional discomfort and sometimes I can focus well with it.

1. The cheap, new frog stationery I bought at the convention (technically yesterday... I forgot)
2. Spending more time with Michael at the convention
3. Michael winning the ADV anime contest
4. Having some food from the Japanese "mall" near the convention
5. Coming to a mutual understanding on Facebook
6. Going to the Anime Central convention again today
7. Rewatching The Snowman

Apparently there's going to be a Pullip doll panel at Anime Central! This will be my first time attending Anime Central; I went to Otakon in Maryland once before. That was fun. I wish I had a costume to wear, but I can't sew and buying one would cost money I'm not willing to spend right now. I don't know if I will collect more Pullips in the near future because I've basically run out of room for stuff. My house is very small. There are still several dolls I'd really like, though.

Watching Sailor Moon makes me very happy and contented. I love the music too. Michael copied me a lot of the music (and I have 4 soudtracks), but I can't hear a lot of the songs until my hard drive is copied. Unfortunately watching Sailor Moon distracts Michael from his homework:-( I should try and put something else on in the background when he's trying to do homework.

I want to buy tickets to Arizona but I have to wait until I know when Tori Amos is touring near where I live... I'm very antsy.