Journey through Faerieland

Not feeling anxious unless I leave my bed. Occasionally I can go out shopping, if there is a hint of a "reward." I overdraw my bank account by $4, but didn't get penalized. I also went over my credit card by about the same amount, but didn't get penalized. I've been taking from savings. I guess overspending has been helping me avoid my real problems and acted as a form of escapism. I've bought a lot of new clothes because nothing in my closet fits. Still gaining weight... I'm going to get my colors done into a personalized fan, which my mother thinks is a waste of money. Well buying new clothes in styles and colors that look good on me and obsessing over the color and style analysis is taking my mind off the fact that I look pregnant and feel fat. It's either this or *completely* starve myself and then end up back inpatient in the ED Ward and spend the money on that instead. Which would she prefer? I mean, I have no appetite. It's common at 11pm for me to ask Michael if I had remembered to eat that day.

John Kitchener, my favorite color/style analyst, I think, considers me half Romantic and half Youthful (AKA Ingenue in other systems). Both are completely yin. He said to think "Marilyn Monroe meets Emma Stone." That made me feel a little better about my appearance. I never before cared for Marilyn Monroe, but now I'm starting to. I want to learn more about her and watch "My Week with Marilyn" because she sounds like she was a very sweet and naive person. I'll always be an Audrey Hepburn first first, though. When I'm healthy my weight/size is a little closer to Audrey's (by a *smidge*) but I have a more rounded figure than her still and a face more like Marilyn's. So, still more of a Romantic.

John also said, color-wise, he saw Winter, Spring, and Summer in me and that I'm a tough case (no wonder I kept switching what season I thought I was!). He could see me as a Snowflake Winter (the shortest and most delicate -- personality-wise like Snow White or Alice from Alice in Wonderland), a Soft Spring, or a Summer. He said he saw a lot of "Subtle-Blended in me, AKA Summer). He is coming out with a book explaining all this next year. Very excited about it! He's a very kind man who adopted a litter of kittens (6!) and wrote on my FB and conversed with me despite his business and my inability to pay him. It's good I've decided to go the route of having a personalized fan made instead of a draping given that I probably don't fit neatly into one season (I'll see what my analyst has to say, but I think she agrees, as most do, that I am LSp mostly). I'm also a "Playful Winter: The Ballerina" in another typing system, which I love.

My mother is really tense and anxious lately and often takes it out on me. That makes me anxious and I feel like a failure. My brother can also have a snobby attitude, like he's in-charge of my mother's house. All the cats are over there now as she tries to sell this house. I still haven't gotten my salivary cortisol test results back! As I said before, I have osteoporosis and got those results back.

Izzy is back in the US! Saw her in Chicago first for a showing of My Neighbor Totoro and then to see the Chicago Art Institute's museum. We saw a special showcase of Impressionism, Fashion, and Modernity. Impressionism is my favorite so I'm so glad we went and saw it! I'd wanted to see it since I'd last been in Chicago months ago and I saw a poster for it at a bus stop. I was in a lot of pain, though, in my legs, hips, lower back, and shoulder wear I keep my purse. Maybe due to not enough exercise? I have no idea. I am okay sitting in bed, but sleeping or walking/standing hurts.

Today I went to a thrift shop today and bought a lot of tops, mostly in corals, light blues, and dark purples. I couldn't fit into a Medium Aeropostale top. That was... upsetting. At my healthy weight I comfortably wore a Small from there, both top and bottom.

200: whatever suits your fancy.( a picture, random facts, what you did today, your plans for tomorrow)

Today Michael and I went to The Little Red School House, where he had gone on field trips as a child and my mother did, as well. I don't think I've ever been there. There was a "house" with lots of geographic and environmental details, information, maps, and models. There were some live and stuffed animals native to our area. Then we went on the nature trail where we took some pictures. It was about a 2 mile walk. It was mostly in the shade, though, due to all the foliage.

After that we went to Walmart and Target and then to eat at Michael's favorite pizza place. Then we went back to Walmart to buy me nectarines, bananas, and a half-gallon of vanilla almond milk. I'm going to try to make the almond milk last as long as possible because I love it and we can't afford to buy it regularly. I wish I liked soy milk, as it is cheaper.

Michael mowed some of the lawn and it's raining now. I'm trying to unwind and then Michael and I will watch something together.

( 365 Day Meme )

I've been quite busy lately with Michael and Maria. Maria goes home tomorrow:( Today we are finishing watching Neon Genesis Evangelion, going to Quest books (a bookstore filled with religious/spiritual/philosophical materials), and the young adult group meet up at the church, where if the weather permits, there will be a bonfire. Also we will each share something meaningful to us -- I'm going to bring two Emily Dickinson poems.

We went to a cemetery to do ghost hunting and did that last night in my mother's house and her boyfriend's house. Her boyfriend's house seems likely haunted -- there was more activity and more bizarre shadows and orbs than in photographs from my mother's house. The house is the oldest on the street and the most activity was right where the original doorway was. Also my mother's boyfriend hears noises like a squirrel rolling an acorn or walnut down plywood at 4am exactly and there is no way for this to be happening in reality. Maria left her recorder up in the attic overnight and back home she will inspect her recordings.

We also went to Woodfield Mall yesterday. Michael bought me a cute floral romper from H&M (they seem to vanity size a lot less than other stores, and fortunately the outfit fit even though it was a bigger number than I usually get -- and it was the only romper that small). I bought Michael a brown bear pillow pet (different company than the usual ones, though). We then stopped at Mitsuwa Marketplace and Maria and I ate there (I had a teriyaki burger, which was okay).

LiveJournal seems down again, so I will have to re-post this later.

I forgot to mention on our last day in San Francisco Michael and I went to an art gallery. Some of the work was really good. There were some abstract works I liked and others that were quite blah to me. I really liked this one artist who did an art nouveau style of women with butterflies. There were also sketches by Rembrandt and Chagall. There were a lot of paintings by an artist who did plays on words featuring animals ("My ass is on the line," "booze hound," "A ray of hope," "cash cow," etc.). Those were fun to look at and try to figure out. Michael said that the cityscapes by one artist weren't as good as mine! That made me feel good about myself. A cityscape is what won me a national art award in high school and my art professor in college said I could make a living in Europe just painting the cities and selling them on the street (a street artist, I guess, which I have seen in New York City and now San Francisco).

I've always loved architecture and my mother and I both thought that would be a good career for me if I were able to do school and work a job. I've always loved houses (as a young child I would read books of blue-prints and catalogs of houses for sale), I love art, and I'm pretty good at math. Architecture would have been a pretty practical career to go into for me... Oh well, I can't handle the stress, people, or pressure so it's a moot point.

Today I was worried because we had to take a bus and then the subway and I was worried about transitioning. I also often can't understand the driver over the intercom and we did almost miss our stop coming back from the zoo. Michael also lost his directions and had to search for them in the subway station, but he found it. We went to the San Francisco Zoo today and spent several hours there. We didn't buy anything, due to the costs. It was really nice to see the mother koala holding her baby:-) I don't know if I've ever seen a koala in-person before. We took tons of pictures and I will post them to Facebook/here after we return home. I was quite cold earlier today, though I was warm on the trip home. We got off the bus a bit early to walk to the pizza place Michael had food from Friday that I really wanted. I had two slices and felt very full and had some stomach cramping walking around after that:P We then walked up Lombard Street and took pictures from there (it's very high up and a great view). Then we walked back to the hotel, where I am now. I've been eating watermelon and pineapple. Michael walked to a nearby pizza restaurant to order himself a pizza (he's obsessed with pizza).

Tonight we're going to walk along the wharf and take pictures of everything lit up for night. Michael saw it last night when he went back out to Walgreens and I didn't see it. We also forgot to bring the camera when we walked the wharf yesterday early evening, so tomorrow we'll take some pictures of that during the day and go to the aquarium. Because of how crowded the buses get in the late afternoon and the gum chewing making Michael need to listen to his mp3 player (due to his OCD) I'm going to ask my mother if we can take a taxi back to the airport tomorrow. Public transportation went pretty well here, but we've almost missed stops and we will probably be on the public transportation around the time people are getting off work tomorrow and that sounds way too stressful.

Overall, today has been good:-) I've been a lot less obsessive (just worrying about the public transportation stuff). I'm not having my people obsessions at all! I think it's due to the change of scenery, because even when I kept busy socializing or volunteering I would still have bad obsessions back home. The best place for me back home is my mother's boyfriend's house.

Overall today has gone well, though it's been thoroughly exhausting. I tried to go to sleep at 4pm yesterday because Zyprexa makes me need 10-12 hours of sleep a night, otherwise I vomit when I force myself up. The flight was at 7:15am. I took 15mg Zyprexa, 1mg Klonopin, and 2 Benadryl pills and still couldn't sleep at all. I took Zofran at 4am and some Ritalin LA at 4:30am and then I felt good. My mother drove Michael and me to O'Hare Airport. The line wasn't too long and security went fine. They checked my purse because I had a roll of quarters in there. While killing time before boarding Michael and I bought an orange Hi-C from McDonalds (and that's what I drank to take Dramamine (motion sickness medication) right before the plane. We also went to the Dunkin Doughnuts stand where Michael bought a doughnut and I bought a blueberry muffin for the 4+ hour plane ride. The plane ride was uneventful. There were lots of empty seats in the back, so the person who had our aisle seat left to go sit with husband in the back and Michael and I were able to spread out. We played an incredibly long Uno game that I eventually won. I also did some reading. I only really had motion sickness during take off and I didn't vomit (yay!)

Then we went and got our luggage and found the BART line heading in the direction we needed. We just made the train! Then we found our connecting bus and just made that, too. Unfortunately on both the train and the bus it was very difficult to hear what was being said over the intercom, which was unnerving. And the signs at the BART stations weren't as clear as the ones in Washington DC's metro. We made it to Fisherman's Wharf, though, which is where our hotel is located. Our room was ready when we arrived. It was also super hot here. I'm lucky I wore a tank top under my sweater so I could take my sweater off. I didn't even bring sunblock because my moisturizer has spf30:( I hope I don't get more freckles and moles... My mother told me it would be cold, so I basically just packed sweaters. I have one t-shirt I added last minute. But it did get colder this evening and it's supposed to be colder tomorrow...

We decided to walk to Chinatown (1 mile), but we got lost several times. It was very tiring. Chinatown was nice, though! Interesting shops and food (though I'm not adventurous about food and there was a lot I would not eat). And everything there is so cheap! I bought myself a large cream puff, 4 pork dumplings, and 1 large pork bun for $6. I was stuffed and when we left to go get Michael pizza I only had a small bite of his and didn't want any for myself. But then as soon as we got back to the hotel I was no longer full and desperately wanted the pizza Michael had!:( It's a long walk, but maybe we will do it again before we go home and I can have that pizza. In Chinatown I also found a pale pink polar fleece zip-up sweater for $10. It didn't have the same logo as my mother's sweater (she also bought one in San Francisco and I've wanted one since then) -- it has "San Francisco" embroidered across the front. Later when walking around the streets neighboring Fisherman's Wharf I saw other pink fleece sweaters that just had a small logo, which I would have preferred:( But I still like my sweater and will wear it tomorrow!

This evening we returned to the hotel for a short while then walked over to Pier 39 of Fisherman's Wharf. There are street performers blasting music full of bass and it's really bothering Michael's OCD. We saw the sea lions and Alcatraz in the distance (it's funny that in the mist and from a distance Alcatraz looks almost like an enchanted castle:P). We looked around the shops and took some pictures. We ate Ben and Jerry's ice cream -- two smalls cost us $9.50! What!? The small was *really, really* small, too. I'm also rather craving IHOP now (it's next to the hotel). But I'm going to try to control myself.

Tomorrow we will probably go to Japantown via bus. Michael wrote down some directions for that. I will try to have some kind of Japanese food there that is cheap (maybe some noodle dish or something). Then the next day we will probably go to the aquarium right on Pier 39 (very close to us). We also walked around the area tonight and saw a whole lot of seafood restaurants. And Hooters. And McDonald's.

Now I think I'm going to write a couple emails and read and take my medications and go to bed. I hope everyone is well:) I'm quite sore from all the walking today because I'm really out of shape:(

Today Michael and I went to church. My power was out for a little this morning (which also means my water), but we were still able to get ready on-time and got to church early. Today's service was about ethical eating and people did speeches on veganism, vitamins in food, and the different kinds of foods available and making wise decisions(locally grown, organic, hormone-free, free-range, imported, etc.) I wish I could become vegan, but I struggle to eat a diversity of foods without any restrictions at all. And I can't cook, hate vegetables, and have a very limited budget. However, I still often feel that I'm being selfish and I should just eat food that I hate:P Someone in our membership classes spoke on vitamins in food. I really like him! He's also in my yoga class. He just seems really nice and genuine and a little eccentric. The offering song was "Be Our Guest" from Beauty and the Beast. They served yummy vegan treats after the service.

Then we had lunch and our final membership class. Michael and I officially became members of the Unitarian Universalist Church! We wrote down a pledge of how much money we will donate until the end of May. Then the new year for pledges begin and soon we will fill out a form for what we intend to donate June 2011-May 2012. It's not much, since we are on disability, but it is something. I love going there and love their programs so I would want to donate. There was some gum chewing there, so Michael had to leave for a little while. We received an envelope filled with information.

Tonight we also went to the Japanese marketplace and Michael bought me a sandwich and red bean ice cream. They were very good:-)

I went from being in a terribly depressed mood the past three nights into an incredibly good mood tonight! I feel guilty for spending so much money this month on things I didn't need and I really want to save a little bit of money, but Christmas adventures seem more important! I want to go to a German Christmas festival in Chicago and look at all the crafts and other assorted goods. If I see something I really like and it's not too expensive Michael will buy it as an early birthday gift<3 My birthday is January 13, though I was due Christmas Eve (December 24). I also want to eat all the German foods listed by the vendors! I'm usually not an adventurous person when it comes to food, but I want to try the different desserts and meat-filled buns. Not the cheese or vegetable-filled buns, though. I also wish I could try the German hamburgers and potato pancakes. And I have a big craving for bratwurst now. I'm hoping this week I can get my mother to take me to the grocery store so I can get bratwurst and buns to put them on. That way I won't be tempted at the Christmas festival to get something I already know I like and can get at other times. Same with cheese strudel (if it is what I think it is, it is something cheese-like that I do consume). We might be able to go to this Christmas festival earlier in the day and then go to Lincoln Park Zoo at night for their lights festival (like the Brookfield Zoo thing I just went to). I will have to withdraw more money, but it would be worth it. At least I am 100% done with Christmas presents and just have to wrap some.

Also Michael was going to buy me the anime Romeo x Juliet for my birthday, but I can watch it on hulu.com and will only choose that over other things if I really, really like the series and feel I will rewatch it many times. I usually dread my birthday, but tonight I feel excited about it. Zyprexa must make me rapid cycle or something, because I am feeling insanely good right now. Though usually on Zyprexa my mood is stable (it's not like my mood is going up and down so much on a regular basis).

Today I woke up relatively early for me as of late, though I went to bed later than I intended. I think the Klonopin helped me to fall asleep fairly quickly, though. I didn't even need Zofran to get up without vomiting (I vomit if I get up before my body is ready). Michael and Dan were running late so I had extra time. Then they picked me up and we went into Chicago to see Lincoln Park Zoo. Michael had never been there before and I only went a really long time ago. The weather was nice and I wore a sweater. There were other people there, but it wasn't crowded. We saw all kinds of animals and I liked the giraffes, otters and some little monkey creatures best. The leopard was sitting in a big cardboard box the way that house cats do:-) I will try to post pictures tomorrow. My new camera runs through batteries fast. I am glad I just bought rechargeable batteries.

Then we went to a cemetery that is supposedly haunted, but there was no entrance and there was barbed wire along the whole fence! So we went to another cemetery that is supposedly haunted and it was past lock up time, but the cemetery wasn't closed up yet, so we went in (and I was terrified we'd be locked in). We drove around the old graves and mausoleums. We found the statue of a girl in a glass box that is supposedly haunted and the statue supposedly moves to different parts of the cemetery. They thought people were playing pranks so they put a glass enclosure around the statue, but supposedly the statue still moves, leaving the glass box in place. It was a pretty creepy statue:P I will post that, too.

It was a fun day, but I'm tired and glad to be home.