Journey through Faerieland

Today has been a good day and for that I am grateful. Michael and I woke up a bit late. My mother apparently textmessaged me about her dog, whom she was supposed to drop off for me to take care of and then take back to her house before we went to the UU church for our "Spirit in Practice" class. Well, fussy Rasputin didn't want to come over. She was texting me to take him out to pee before the church. I texted her back that I was "in a meeting." O_o Okay... I have no recollection of doing this and have never really been "in a meeting." So it must have been related to a dream I was having... So, sleepwalking, sleep-eating, sleep-talking, now sleep-texting. Unfortunately I did not take the poor dog out to pee:( I'd assumed my mother took him to work with her, which is allowed where she went today:( Oh well, he was okay.

Church was fun! We made lists of what we thought prayer were and what we thought meditation were and how we thought they were similar and different. Then we did a quiet meditation and then an eating meditation (a tangerine). We did a hymn and a reading. We did a couple of worksheet/readings, too, and were given Unitarian Universalist prayer beads. After the church thing we bought cheap cocounut hair conditioner and I read The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis.

I bid on ebay>_>. I allowed my auctions to all end with me losing except the one that was the sweater that reminded me of Mary Margaret Blanchard from Once Upon a Time. I followed Michael's advice and bid my max bid at the end of the auction. I tend to be very impatient and lose the auctions at just a dollar to two above the maximum I'm willing to pay! Very frustrating! I also put in a higher max bid for the mint Anthropologie floral top I love so much that I posted a picture of in here. It will end tomorrow during the day when I will probably be busy, so I just put in the bid and got it over with. The last one ended this morning just $2 past my max bid-_- I should have just paid more. It wasn't worth the hassle... I could have saved elsewhere. If I don't win this auction hopefully there are yet more tops.

Amber (surprisingly) left me an ebay message so I called her, but she was eating. She said she'd call back later tonight, but I want to go to bed early so I will probably call her soon.

My uncle just adopted an eight year old rescue Silk Terrier who is not house broken. His name was Binky (really??) and my uncle re-named him Ernie, after Earnest Hemingway.

I had a slight migraine last night. The light was bothering me and my air filter sounded like rap music to me, for some reason... Now my voice is gone this morning, but it's slowly coming back. Michael was very tired (partly because of the chaos of the cats during the night), so we skipped church. We will make it for book club, though, after the service. Hopefully then our plans with church friends still stand (to watch Tangled, for one).

I'm sick:( It's just a cold or something. I have a very sore throat. I felt hot, but now I kind of have chills. I'm supposed to go to the church tomorrow morning to help clean and then in the afternoon we were going to go to a few supposedly haunted locations with a church friend and his girlfriend. I might have to skip all that unless I feel much better tomorrow:( Oh well...

I talked to my psychiatrist last night and he's going to write up Ritalin LA prescriptions for me and Michael will pick them up. I'm also going to try increasing the Latuda. Michael's also probably going to the Japanese Market with his friend Dan. That food sounds so good... I'm struggling to read a young adult book called Grace because it's a dystopian that doesn't give you a lot of information right away on how the world operates so I have to concentrate harder than usual. I will try to finish it today.

A bad day and a good day. So far it's ending as a good day:-) Michael had some problems with Target last night (he had things on hold that were no longer on hold for him when he got there) and then today (not clear on what went wrong at Target today). Michael got massively lost trying to get to a friend's house to help him with antivirus stuff (this friend and his parents are more computer illiterate than even me). Michael calmed down then and had a much easier time making it home. He brought me back a blueberry cake doughnut that I ate with a small glass of milk. I love milk and tend to drink it with brownies, cake, cookies, doughnuts -- basically sweets of any kind, other than ice cream (which provides the milk for me;-). We watched Glee online. It got cut off at the very end, though:( Which is too bad because I'd like some reliable streaming for Glee since it's on the same night as my church's Crafting and Conversation.

We're going to email a nearby church member about carpooling to Crafting and Conversation. It would help a lot with gas. April brought up maybe visiting for a short while Tuesday night, but we love Crafting:( I am learning sign language there. I'm having trouble remembering K, P, and T. Pictures online don't help me. It's hard for me to convert something two dimensional into something three dimensional. I will just get some more assistance at church. They do have a sign language class on Mondays, but we're already using up so much gas for the church.:( Yoga will be held once a month again and I'm looking forward to that.

I wasn't too anxious today until I realized, by idly checking amazon, that my Sailor Moon and Codename: Sailor V manga had been delivered September 13th and I never received them! Someone would have brought them in from the porch. I think someone stole them. The money had been deducted from my bank account for them and I'd even written it in my checking account the day before arrival. I just forgot... But fortunately Michael called amazon and got to talk to someone right away about what happened and they are overnight shipping replacements for me! That made me really happy. Unfortunately Michael noticed my big surprise present for his birthday in my amazon.com account:( That made me feel bad...

Now I'm going to do some yoga and maybe meditate. I also want to read more (finished reading The Time Traveler's Wife). And I should clean the toilets and sink.

I forgot to mention yesterday that we were asked out to breakfast with other young adults and one set of parents of a "young adult" after church. We went with to the nearby restaurant, but our group was too large and we waited a long time and still a table was not ready. I was getting anxious because the restaurant was super crowded so we went home when the group decided to try a different restaurant. It was nice to feel welcome, though!

Also last night we went on a long walk with church friends and their dog. On the way back we stopped at Oberweiss and bought milkshakes (super expensive!! But I wanted to be accomodating to our friends and not make them feel like they were singled out and we didn't want ice cream). Also the girl of the couple noticed I was very red in the face and thought we should head back to their apartment, inside, and she gave me ice water. She's a very sweet girl... Then she showed me their recent wedding pictures while Michael talked to her husband about various topics. It was fun. I'm slowly feeling less shy around them.

I just watched the church sermon I missed on Buddhism. A lot of emphasis was given to the fact that we are all, at core, united and exist as one. I do believe we each have a divine spark and connect to one another, but I also believe that a certain individuality is maintained before/after death. I really liked one thing the reverend (I feel so dumb... Are they reverends at a UU Church?) said, which was that when we have foul thoughts and behave unkindly to one aspect of the unity (any individual) we are, in fact, hurting ourselves and all the rest of existence. Despite some of my recent anger, I have been feeling positive about most people. There's no one I hate or even actively dislike. There are, however, people I don't want back in my life. I think I'm pretty caught up on my apologies and taking responsibility for my wrongdoings to other people. I want to do more, though. I would love to volunteer again. Maybe sometimes Michael and I can volunteer at the church. If it's feasible I'd like to teach English to refugees again. That was an amazing experience. I had never been treated with such profound respect. It's incredible how people can go through torture and horrific experiences, losing almost everything and everyone, but still be so full of grace and love and kindness. I like tutoring Americans, too, but I always preferred working with ESL students.

I'm in a good mood now:-) Unfortunately our bicycle tires need pumping, so we couldn't bike ride today, despite the good weather. We went for a short walk but went back before the park because I'd found chocolate all over my sweater and it was making me anxious and I had to get home to clean it:( I'm reading a bit, but I have a lot more to read tonight. I'm going to try to focus on that now and then do my usual nightly routine.

Today Michael and I went to the ballet Don Quixote. It was really enjoyable and the ballet and music were all completely new to me. We had great seats since we ordered the tickets in January. Afterward we went to Wheaton and went to Whole Foods and shared a big chocolate cupcake from there. Michael also had a can of soda with sugar in it instead of high fructose corn syrup (he prefers sugar). Then we went to Borders and browsed and wrote down titles to look up on amazon. I think I will order two tonight -- one on healing from trauma and one (workbook) on anxiety and mindfulness. Ever since starting to do Dialectical Behavior Therapy on myself I've become more interested in mindfulness and Eastern religion and philosophy. I will never become a Buddhist, but I can learn a lot from Buddhism, Taoism, etc.

We went to the second (our first) Young Adults Group at the Unitarian Universalist Church. It went very well! We all introduced ourselves and said what our high point of the past month was, the low point, and who our hero for the past month was. We started out outside because no one had a key to the church, but then we got inside as it got colder and we chatted some more and ate popcorn and salsa with chips. Then we played a board game. Due to my anxiety around game playing (I am afraid of not understanding the rules of a game and appearing stupid), I sat out, but watching was fun. Michael participated. Then everyone helped clean up and was just talking again. The art show is tomorrow and all the art was out and I showed everyone my painting and they all gave lots of compliments.

As usual I got asked if I sell my art:P I hate that question because it's hard to sell art and it usually involves networking -- I can't network. I would rather be in poverty and painting only for myself rather than network. One guy there said he knew a woman who showed her art in her house four times a year and served food. I could never do that for a multitude of reasons... He also asked for my card (!) and I said I didn't have one, but directed him to my website. He said he knows lots of people who collect art. It's all very awkward for me because I feel like an amateur pretending to be better than she really is. Two of the guys asked me if I work in other mediums (like sculpture, etc.) and I said, no, just drawing and painting. Basic stuff. The one who asked for my card said there was nothing "basic" about my art and it was extremely good. That was nice to hear, though embarrassing. I used to feel more ambitious about my art and writing, but now I just want to express myself and hopefully some others will like my work, too.

I started feeling ready to go home because it was getting late and there was a lot I wanted to do before bed. We are going to church tomorrow morning and I need more sleep than most people do. I felt guilty because Michael was enjoying himself and would have liked to stay longer. I should have just stuck around awhile longer... Maybe next time I won't need to leave early. Even getting home earlier than we would have I feel too tired to finish priming the other side of my plywood (that I'm going to paint).

The painting I displayed in the art show was this one:

Ophelia by ~unico1313 on deviantART

I'm putting this under a cut because I've been posting a lot here today. It's about our church meeting where a small group of people meet and talk about the church and fill out our pledge form for how much money we intend to donate June 2011-May 2012. They are called "cottage meetings."
( About the Cottage Meeting )

Yoga went well. I didn't find it difficult, except for the "tree" pose, because I apparently lack balance. I will have to work on that. The positions requiring more flexibility, though, I did well on. It will probably be my last class:( I don't think I will have transportation next week unless I can convince my mother to drop me off and pick me up. The weather tonight was terrible. There was snow and rain and lightening and thunder. I couldn't see the roads. I was quite terrified on the trip home. We made it home safely, obviously. I just ate dinner and I'm having dark chocolate peanut butter cups. I forgot another book Michael gave me around Christmas time/my birthday, so I started reading that -- Song of the Magdalene. It reads quite fast and it's short. I'm tired now. I probably won't go to bed too late. My anxiety is gone now that I am home and things are okay.

Church today was beautiful, as always! But today the pianist played and sang "In the River of Dreams" by Billy Joel and a James Taylor song and the congregation sang another James Taylor song. The focus on the service was about how the earth is our paradise on earth and we have to care for it and do good in the world. However, we also can't focus on fixing everything and being perfect because that will cause burnout. We just have to do what good we can manage while being mentally healthy.

Then Michael went to move his car closer to the church and the car wouldn't start-_- That freaked me out majorly. Fortunately a church member had jumper cables and the car started immediately -- unlike a few months back when Dan's car needed jumping and it took like an hour and two different people trying to help. Michael thinks he may have left the lights on when we went into the church, but I don't know if that would be the only cause (it was only a couple hours...). I just hope that problem is over now. We plan to eventually buy a new car, but we're waiting for this one to completely die. When we do buy a new (used) car we will bring my mother and her boyfriend with us, as her boyfriend is a mechanic. Also if the car needs towing at some point we will tow to his station, which is very convenient. I was so worried about the car, though, that I only read about 75 pages of my Wicked Lovely book during the break between church and the Building Your Own Theology class.

The class was fun, again! Some of our reading had been on moral codes so we tried to come up with our own (shared) moral code. My contribution was to not seek revenge, which a girl amended with seeking justice, but not revenge. That's fine with me. I do believe people should be held responsible for their actions, I just personally find I can have a vengeful attitude and I don't want to live that way. I don't want to ever seek vengeance and I want to find ways to soothe my anger so I can deal with situations fairly and rationally, not allowing the cruelties of others to lead me to be cruel.

We also drew pictures of what we saw as God/the Absolute/the Ultimate Reality -- a picture of what we thought of that as a child, a teenager, and an adult. There was a list of names for the Ultimate Reality listed, but they were all singular, which was pointed out, which wouldn't accommodate some pagans. Though the person who pointed it out actually wasn't one of the pagans or people into earth-centered religions. I drew a picture of the cross and an old bearded man because I used to believe a lot of traditional "Christian" things when I was little. I believed God could be vengeful as well as a loving father. The my teenage years were kind of an early version of what I believe in now -- panentheism where God is in all of nature/reality and beyond it. I didn't mention that I believe God is the source of love in our existence, but I do believe that.

We had a moral discussion on how morally permissible it would be to have a baby to use the bone marrow to save your dying teenage daughter (it was an article based on the situation the book My Sister's Keeper was based on). All of us except one found it permissible. One woman didn't because she didn't think the parents would be good parents to the child and the child might not feel really loved and feel used and it would have bad repercussions for the child's feelings about herself. This woman has had difficult times with her family, feeling unaccepted and unwanted by them, so I guess she sees her situation mirrored in the one of the child being born for the bone marrow.

I disagreed even though I probably have had similar experiences to her in my family. Michael often says my parents should never have been parents and it's probably true. However, I'm an optimist and I believe that a life has so much potential and, while I think people over-breed, I don't think a child shouldn't be born just because the situation isn't ideal. I brought up the fact that I was an unexpected pregnancy and my mother nearly aborted me, but I still am glad I was born. Sometimes I feel like I was unwanted, sure, and my parents often mistreated me. But my life is so much more than that. I feel that I would feel worse as a dying teenager knowing there was something that could help keep me alive that wouldn't (likely) involve in anyone dying than I would as a child brought into the world to save my sister's life. I could deal with knowing I was born to save someone's life. After all, I can deal with the fact that my parents were pretty bad parents and I wasn't really wanted as a baby and, in many ways, my birth ruined my mother's life.

It's raining a lot today and I got soaked so when I got home I changed into pajamas and Michael made me dinner. My mother picked up my prescription today so I didn't even have to go to Walgreen's. Though I need to get Miralax soon...