Journey through Faerieland

Not feeling anxious unless I leave my bed. Occasionally I can go out shopping, if there is a hint of a "reward." I overdraw my bank account by $4, but didn't get penalized. I also went over my credit card by about the same amount, but didn't get penalized. I've been taking from savings. I guess overspending has been helping me avoid my real problems and acted as a form of escapism. I've bought a lot of new clothes because nothing in my closet fits. Still gaining weight... I'm going to get my colors done into a personalized fan, which my mother thinks is a waste of money. Well buying new clothes in styles and colors that look good on me and obsessing over the color and style analysis is taking my mind off the fact that I look pregnant and feel fat. It's either this or *completely* starve myself and then end up back inpatient in the ED Ward and spend the money on that instead. Which would she prefer? I mean, I have no appetite. It's common at 11pm for me to ask Michael if I had remembered to eat that day.

John Kitchener, my favorite color/style analyst, I think, considers me half Romantic and half Youthful (AKA Ingenue in other systems). Both are completely yin. He said to think "Marilyn Monroe meets Emma Stone." That made me feel a little better about my appearance. I never before cared for Marilyn Monroe, but now I'm starting to. I want to learn more about her and watch "My Week with Marilyn" because she sounds like she was a very sweet and naive person. I'll always be an Audrey Hepburn first first, though. When I'm healthy my weight/size is a little closer to Audrey's (by a *smidge*) but I have a more rounded figure than her still and a face more like Marilyn's. So, still more of a Romantic.

John also said, color-wise, he saw Winter, Spring, and Summer in me and that I'm a tough case (no wonder I kept switching what season I thought I was!). He could see me as a Snowflake Winter (the shortest and most delicate -- personality-wise like Snow White or Alice from Alice in Wonderland), a Soft Spring, or a Summer. He said he saw a lot of "Subtle-Blended in me, AKA Summer). He is coming out with a book explaining all this next year. Very excited about it! He's a very kind man who adopted a litter of kittens (6!) and wrote on my FB and conversed with me despite his business and my inability to pay him. It's good I've decided to go the route of having a personalized fan made instead of a draping given that I probably don't fit neatly into one season (I'll see what my analyst has to say, but I think she agrees, as most do, that I am LSp mostly). I'm also a "Playful Winter: The Ballerina" in another typing system, which I love.

My mother is really tense and anxious lately and often takes it out on me. That makes me anxious and I feel like a failure. My brother can also have a snobby attitude, like he's in-charge of my mother's house. All the cats are over there now as she tries to sell this house. I still haven't gotten my salivary cortisol test results back! As I said before, I have osteoporosis and got those results back.

Izzy is back in the US! Saw her in Chicago first for a showing of My Neighbor Totoro and then to see the Chicago Art Institute's museum. We saw a special showcase of Impressionism, Fashion, and Modernity. Impressionism is my favorite so I'm so glad we went and saw it! I'd wanted to see it since I'd last been in Chicago months ago and I saw a poster for it at a bus stop. I was in a lot of pain, though, in my legs, hips, lower back, and shoulder wear I keep my purse. Maybe due to not enough exercise? I have no idea. I am okay sitting in bed, but sleeping or walking/standing hurts.

Today I went to a thrift shop today and bought a lot of tops, mostly in corals, light blues, and dark purples. I couldn't fit into a Medium Aeropostale top. That was... upsetting. At my healthy weight I comfortably wore a Small from there, both top and bottom.

I feel really fuzzy right now, like I had a seizure or might have a seizure, so bear with me. But I've felt like this for awhile, so it could be a false alarm. But the neurologist doesn't think I'm aware of a lot of my seizures, so who knows? I'm confusing myself. New topic.

We went to Oakbrook Mall. Michael was irritable some of the time, but I'm glad we went! I didn't realize they had some great stores there I would actually use! Maybe it's because I've grown up a bit and some of my tastes have changed? I try to use more environmentally sound products, cruetly-free, if at all possible. Some of the clothes I like are more mature. I spend more on products and am consciously trying to buy less plastic crap.

Anyways, I have been planning on buying Izzy and myself Bare Escentuals lipstick (two a piece) online -- but there was a boutique there! Unfortunately, it didn't have all the lipstick colors. And apparently they are changing the lipstick shades April 11th. I have to wait until April 3-4th to afford the lipstick. But I decided I want to buy the "old" lipstick because then it will gone for good, and we'd have plenty of time to buy the "new" lipstick if we wanted to. A color Izzy was interested in, but was sold out online, was in the boutique -- Berry Glace, so even though Izzy hadn't made her second decision (she had decided on her first -- Italian Ice) I bought it for her. On our way back out of the mall, Michael bought me a Bare Escentuals lipstick in Parfait. It's a little peachier than the color I was considering (Gelato - more straight nude pink, though Parfait is also a nude on me).

We went to Sephora and it was a full one, with the Jasmine line. I looked at the Urban Decay things. It was a bit squashed by the beauty chairs area, though, so I couldn't tell if they had palettes besides the Naked ones. I want to buy Michael's sister an Urban Decay palette for Christmas if I can afford it -- the Vice palette if it returns. I have it set to tell me by email if it returns online. I liked looking at all the different skin products and make up... But I'm broke, so I didn't buy anything.

There was a Soma there, and I love their underwear! It's so pretty and comfortable. I should buy my mother some from there sometime. I bought mine online and had to pay a lot in shipping. Now I know there is a brick and mortar store nearby.

There was a Disney store! All the Disney Stores seem to be closing...

There was an H&M! We don't have one at the mall we usually go to, but I love this store, and they don't sell online. I bought my mother her Mother's Day gift her -- a blue sweater for $10. They always have great pricee, plus now they are selling spring/summer clothes.

I tried to send something to the Glen Ellyn Post Office by Newton Park and they gave me trouble, like they always do. It left me very agitated. I hate that post office and do not intend to use it for packages again. Today Michael mailed my package from the downtown Glen Ellyn Post Office without any problems. I've got a big package I'm putting together for Poland to send out mid-April and will probably use that post office. Michael had a good experience.

I'm still having anxiety and taking 2mg Klonopin everyday, but I'm trying to feel less guilty about that, because my endocrine conditions can cause severe depression and severe anxiety (as well as irritability and hostility). I figure once I'm treated I will start feeling better and not be so med-reliant. I have been obsessed with Cushing's Disease today. I'm pretty sure I have an early/mild case of it starting to progress pretty fast. My weight gain hasn't been in the usual places for me (thighs, for instance), but my belly, in a pregnancy-type fashion. It has cellulite over it. I can't fit into any pants -- including new ones I bought for weight gain -- so I'm going to just wear sweatpants, pajama pants, and elastic waist skirts for the time being. Everyone assures me when I'm treated my body will go back to normal.

My breasts are getting big, too, but that doesn't bother me as much:P I'm wearing one of my new (ebay) bras today, too and yet I'm now getting quadboob from this too(28DD, could use a 28E -- for some other companies I would need a 28F). Hahaha, yes, laugh those who knew me as a college freshman! 4'11" and an A-cup! Well, not really -- just wearing the wrong bra size, as most do (more like a 28C). Anyways, I am not fat, I do not think any of you reading this are fat -- it's just my fat deposits are going to my waist and boobs only because my body thinks it's having a baby very soon and needs to be lactating. I read yesterday, though, that people like myself wtih very high prolactin levels often *don't* lactate -- it's the low-highs that do. Which doesn't make sense to me, but whatever.

I might start getting the Cushings stretch marks soon, which I dread. You can always lose weight -- stretch marks are another issue all together. And my face may become rounder (that's another weird thing -- usually my face gets rounder as I gain weight -- my face is not the slightest bit rounder/chubbier from when I was 25lbs lighter; I'm 5'1", so that's saying a lot). I've been playing with make up a lot and taking lots of face pictures and posting my favorites to Facebook. It sounds vain, but that's one of the few areas of my body that still feels "normal." And that I still feel I can make pretty. It reassures me that this weight gain is not normal because, if it were, my face would look chubbier.

I'm very anxious about the fact it takes many tests to diagnose Cushing's, and then more tests to figure out where the tumor causing it is located (and then you usually do surgery and you have to find a good surgeon... Luckily I live in the Chicago area, so I'm sure there would be an appropriate surgeon not too far). Usually Cushings is caused by a pituitary tumor. I *also* most likely have *another* pituitary tumor -- a prolactinoma releasing way too much prolactin (hence the boobs and the belly and the associated emotional pseudo-pregnant bullshit). That would be treated with strong meds to shrink the tumor and lower my prolactin levels. Two tumors. Two conditions. Two treatments. Two hormones (Cushings is too much cortisol being released from the tumor). A lot of overlapping symptoms -- including osteoporosis -- I want a bone scan asap, because my joints and back and hips hurt a lot the past few months. I will call the endocrinologist about that on Monday, and if she doesn't do anything, call my general practitioner (who works very close by) and ask for a bone scan. I also should go to her office and have my records transferred to her so she knows what's going on. Maybe I will even make an appointment with her. She works Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. My endocrinologist is also part-time. My psychiatrist is the one who has my testosterone results, but I think my endocrinologist got them from him, and those were the most important ones. It's just having two possible conditions at once, with pituitary tumors involved, is overloading and confusing. Though I like that they could explain most of the problems I've gained over the past decade.

On a happier note, Michael went out with Dan and brought me back a large-ish vinyl figurine of Fluttershy from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Though I do have too much random "junk" as it is@_@

I found out something interesting when my mother was visiting -- apparently I started drawing (not just scribbling, but focusing for long periods of time and drawing) at 15 months old. I am guessing that is an "autistic thing." A lot of autistics start doing things early/late. Art is one of my biggest talents. Great news is that my mother's boyfriend may be able to have me sponsored through his rotary club to take art classes at the Dupage Art League! That would add more structure to my life and I could improve my art. I also could enter their art shows again. I feel like, knowing I was basically doing art before I was speaking, that I am meant to do art. That is what I was doing when I didn't fear judgment, when I didn't worry about messing up or not living up to someone's standards. Art is my calling.

Yesterday was rather frustrating in that, checking my order status of the coat I ordered, my order had been canceled. I got ahold of a person on the phone quickly and they said the item was sold out and there would be no more available. They should have at least sent me an email saying they were canceling my order! And why was I able to check out in the first place? The woman on the phone suggested calling local stores (it has in-person stores) so I did. The one at the mall near me had a coat by the same description (charcoal, hoodless peacoat that had a belt at the waist) and I put it on hold. It wasn't the same coat!:( It had no pockets, was a little shorter, and the waist was tied instead of with a buckle. It was the same price, only the online coats (and other closed) are usually slashed in price, whereas the stores charge full-price. So while I purchased the coat online for $51.11 (my brother's birthday gift to me), I paid $65! Some of that due to an almost 10% sales tax. I paid for the difference between what my brother paid for my missing coat and the coat I did purchase. I decided I liked it and it fit well, so I kept it, but I'm still bitter about what has now in my mind become the "ideal" coat. I don't own a really fitted coat -- my coats are all bulky or big on me. I could have purchased my ideal coat in a Medium instead of a Small, but that would be big on me which would defeat the purpose of buying a fitted coat with a cinched waist.

Church was fun today. It was a Christmas pageant where random church members raised their hands to play different parts and got into costume. There was a man narrating the nativity story and more and more people would join the nativity. Between every addition of characters there was a Christmas song. Michael had to move because a woman behind us started chewing gum, but he moved near other friends of ours. A lot of the church is Humanist and Michael and I are not. We celebrate Christmas and enjoy Christmas services, though we also enjoy services for holidays and religious traditions of any kind. We plan on going to the Solstice service and Christmas Eve service. We had book club after church today. The book was Griftopia and about the economy problems in the US. It was very depressing and I only read a little bit (politics tend to trigger my PTSD because my father was bizarrely obsessed and paranoid about politics).

202: what did you do last Saturday?

Saw the Beauty and the Beast Disney play in Chicago and ate at Five Guys.

203: what is the last thing you had to save your money for?

I don't know. I usually have had enough money to pay for what is needed without consciously saving for it. However, I have very little money in my account at the end of each month. I do have to start saving money more for bills, the dentist (what I'm currently "saving" for), my regular doctor's appointment in March, and my eye appointment and contacts next summer (costs over $400 so I have to save up over time).

( 365 Day Meme )

Figuring out how to pay my credit card bill online. That just happened about an hour ago.

( 365 Day Meme )

I can't focus... I don't know why. I go through periods like that. I keep having the desire to shop, but I'm trying to keep it under control. I worry about things that are on-sale going off-sale when I can afford them. I don't need anything so badly that I should be worrying about that. I'm going to try playing Dragon Quest IV for a little while and then read. Once I start reading it is generally easier for me to keep with it. I'm still sick today, but I always feel a lot better after I've been up for awhile.

Despite doing well, I'm terrified my severe anxiety will return. I guess I'm anxious about getting anxious... I'm afraid I'm going to suddenly have a panic attack for no reason or to slip back into my obsessions. I'm not taking Klonopin, but I'm on-edge because I'm afraid. I also feel bad because I just bought a manga I didn't realize had been released (vol. 5 of The Shinji Ikari Raising Project of Neon Genesis Evangeion. It only cost $10, but I don't have much money right now and I'm waiting to see if my overnight hospital bill will come in this month. I have no idea how much it will cost or when the bill will arrive. I want to have enough money to cover that. If this wasn't lingering over my head I wouldn't feel so guilty for buying the manga. I did withdraw money from my account that I'm going to try to use for all in-person purchases this month, if it lasts. I withdrew it mostly to buy gifts at the Ginza Festival (this weekend's Japanese festival in Chicago), but I also need to use it to pay for medications, Miralax, and things like that. I know I shouldn't worry too much, because I can borrow money from my mother or Michael and if I'm careful I should be all right, but I hate dealing with finances.

Today mostly Michael and I have been watching The Mysterious Cities of Gold, which was made in France, Japan, and Canada and aired on Nickelodeon in the US. I used to love it as a child and it made me want to be an anthropologist (though I didn't know the word "anthropologist" then). Watching this has really made me want to go on a trip to Peru and Bolivia. I used to want to go to South America to see the ancient ruins, but I've let it slip from my mind for a long time. Hopefully someday I will get to go:)

My nausea has mostly been under control today and I ate plenty for dinner without feeling ill. I think cream sauces and the like would make me quite sick, but I had tomato sauce on pasta for dinner and I didn't feel sick. I am kind of excited about buying Izzy's birthday gift (I love buying gifts), though I feel bad that it will probably take awhile to arrive. Next I'm saving money for my eye appointment and then Michael's ring. I am contemplating getting a digital camera at some point in the near future, too. I still have to take my art photographs... I will probably get to see April tomorrow evening, so yay for that, too!

I have to call my psychiatrist soon and display my displeasure at his leaving without warning for two weeks when I'd just talked to him previously and he told me to call him "sooner to when I'd run out" for a medication refill. Now I need a Geodon prescription (and probably a small Zyprexa prescription for emergencies) before I see him July 29.

I keep getting lots of packages. I've bought too much and have to be very selective the rest of the month. I bought Mario Kart DS because it was on a major sale on amazon.com and I love those games. I also got my Sweet Lolita dress in the mail and it actually fits! I think the measurements listed on the site are the maximum measurements. It's not even really long on me, even though I'm really short. It's a bit cold today, so we will probably stay indoors. I'd like to write, read, play Mario Kart, and watch Hime-chan's Ribbon. Maybe also another episode of Jim Henson's The Storyteller. I'm a bit nervous about money, but I think I can make it the rest of the month with spending little and my expenses will mainly be from gynecological stuff (and some Evo cat food once the cat food runs low, and possibly litter).