Journey through Faerieland

Solemn Mermaid - 1/2/13

I know you hate the sappy sentimentality
The dribble and the drabble
The pathetic passing as poetry
You never seemed to get
Just give me one chance
Even that won't be enough, I bet
But still there's hope
Still I pine for your haunting eyes
To pass by me once more

I idolized you, lithe yet alluring mermaid
Porcelain with hair onyx beneath the waves
A face and figure us earth girls die for -- literally
Endless nights I pinched my belly, lamented my empty breasts
For I could not compare to your curvacious perfection
Held in proper modesty, which could never hide your physical gifts

And intelligent as anyone, much more than many
Reading French classics when other children played on the monkey bars
Their whild deeds held no interest to you
Instead, you tipped up your nose
You fed the stray cats the meat you didn't want
You read Les Miserables with ferver and passion
No other eight year old could grasp, tormenting you instead
Tragically trying to break the spirit of an angel on earth

In awe I learned such things
I wanted to hug you, hold you
Make you know you were good and holy
The God you prayed to had not forsaken you
You were always such a good little girl
At the Kingdom Hall
Faithfully attending and sharing and participating
You believed, you prayed, you took the pain and deepened your belief
God loved you deep into the ocean you came from, right through the seaweed and coral

It might be hard to understand why things happened as they did
Why you must suffer so much more than me
Or even than others who live to torment the innocent
Darling, I have no answers
But my embrace is here if you ever want to return
As is his, the one most deeply hurt
The one you care about so at your core
Don't let a good dream go
Don't box yourself into old-fashioned duties that don't make anyone happy

Rules sometimes outlive their purpose
You can be good, darling, you are already good, darling
Just be careful how you tread, your mistakes are forgiven
Your sins are so minor
Forgive yourself, that's all you need to do
So come back to us
No need to dissociate, no need to destroy relationships
You can love us all and we can love you back
We'll make a chain of daisies and put it on your innocent head
Hold hands with your husband and give him a kiss
Then let yourself smile at us -- a real smile
Knowing we are all pure and we are all works in progress

You do not need to suffer for your faith, dear one
I love you, he loves you, God loves you, your husband loves you
So fear nothing, and give everything your most honest effort
Life need not be so complicated
Go for a swim, pretty little mermaid
Take a break and think and feel
Let the salty water hide your tears -- never your beauty
We'll all be waiting here patiently

I have 873 poems currently in my poetry folder. Here's a short one I thought I'd post. I'm going to write a new one soon.
( Old, Short Poem )

A unicorn wandered through the hills and the valleys, sad that she could never find one of her own kind. She saw birds and squirrels, deer, and even horses -- which humans often mistook her for, but she did not see unicorns. One day she wandered deep into a forest, lost and scared. And then, in the distance, saw a spark of white. She ran and finally saw the mysterious, still creature! It was another unicorn drinking from a lake! The unicorn at the lake looked up and saw her and they shared a moment of ecstasy -- knowing they had each finally found one of their own kind. Their love built great over time and they lived happily ever after.

( 365 Day Meme )

Here are the two finalized versions of my poems in the Bewildering Stories ezine:
http://www.bewilderingstories.com/issue428/paradise_wolves.html

http://www.bewilderingstories.com/issue425/mermaid_girls.html

Today Michael and I met with a woman from the church for our new membership interviews. Caribou Coffee was super crowded, which I didn't expect at 2pm on a Friday. We had to wait to find a parking spot, though we did get a table when we went inside. Michael's OCD was bothered by people there using their computers, but he stuck it out, which is good for him (challenging his OCD with exposure to his obsessions). The coffee made me really nauseated, unfortunately. I took a Zofran back in the car before we left.

The interview went well, I think, but it's always awkward for me to explain I never finished school and can't work or go to school. I do art and writing, but it's a lot harder to make money from those than a lot of people think. Some people do get lucky or get some connections through their college/university, etc. but I do not make money off my writing or art. The woman (Rose) suggested I try to write a memoir about my youth and bizarre family situation, but I've already proposed that to agents to no avail. I thought I had nothing to say about myself and I feel like I've done nothing with my life, but I kept thinking up things I had done (an internship with the Smithsonian, teaching English to Burmese refugees, etc.) and Rose seemed to think it was a lot. When Amber and I were still in college our art history professor told Amber it was amazing how much I had done for my age, which sounded weird to me then. Certainly the past few years I have been mostly introverted and focused on myself, so I feel even less accomplished now. Hopefully as my mental state improves I will start doing more and more again, though, but without overloading myself. Even volunteering my mother thinks I should wait on until I'm consistently feeling better. Also it would help if I could drive...

I think a lot of the obsessions I develop when I'm stressed and not doing well mentally may be related to my inferior extroverted sensing. My body image is worse and more obsessive, I develop disordered eating, I obsess about being clean, went through a period of obsessive teeth brushing, sometimes obsessively exercise, etc. I use extroverted sensing in a rather unhealthy and compulsive way to try and control my environment when I feel internally out of control. I just realized I could relate this to personality typing.

"Don't bend; don't water it down; don't try to make it logical; don't edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly."
- Franz Kafka

Sometimes I wonder if I do have Avoidant Personality Disorder because I often won't read the comments or communicate with someone I disagree with. I will sometimes state my view and maybe listen to what they first say in response, but after that I try to escape because the situation will only upset me further and people tend to stick with their own preferred beliefs, regardless of what others say (I try not to be that way, but I, too, prefer my own opinions usually). I love doing creative activities like art and writing, but I'm not overjoyed at the thoughts of sharing it in any kind of competitive format or a situation where it's likely to be judged. I like seeing others' work and I'm not a good critic aside from beginners at art or with grammar so I tend to focus on what I like when I see others' work. When I show my work on LiveJournal or Deviant Art I'm usually open to suggestions, but it doesn't feel like I'm competing with anyone else - just myself. Also I usually am not totally satisfied with my work, even if I like a specific piece; I always think I should practice more before really showing it to the world or looking into competitive or professional formats to get more feedback or maybe have some success. It makes me really overwhelmed or anxious to send out a query letter, write up a letter or resume, submit slides, etc.

So being alone so much, being hesitant to communicate on instant messengers, refusing to look at potential conflicts, finding criticism hard unless I divorce myself emotionally from what I produced, etc. lead me to wonder if I do have Avoidant Personality Disorder like I was diagnosed by my psychologist who did all the personality tests, IQ test, etc. on me. However, she's the only one that diagnosed me with that condition and it was based on my personality tests high anxiety scores/high Avoidant Personality Disorder score. I often don't know how to respond to questions on tests like that, though, so I don't know how accurate it was. It's true I do have a lot of anxiety... I desperately want to be close to people, yet I fear bothering people in any way and that leads me to avoid a lot of situations even anxious people don't usually have a problem with. I'm always first to volunteer for an unpleasant task due to my anxiety about bothering people. I think those tests were right in showing my PTSD scores as much higher than my depression scores, an unusually low score on Antisocial Personality Disorder traits (12%, I think, when 50% is average), and a low Schizoid Personality Disorder score (30-something%). I am definitely Bipolar, though, and I scored in the average range on that. So the tests definitely aren't full-proof... I also think my IQ test results overestimate my abilities, which is rarely what I hear other people say. I am really not all that knowledgeable a person and my memory is in shambles since returning to Zyprexa. I'm also slow. I do have some strong points related to critical thinking, though, I will admit. I believe I learned that from dealing with my mentally ill, yet intelligent and clever, father and from my great tutors in high school.

It's not even that I hope for a positive response when I open myself up to critique/criticism -- I just feel embarrassed easily and dissatisfied with my level of work. Right now I don't want to show any of my work, except maybe some poems. I would send stories or art to people who asked to see it, though, in a casual way. And I will keep posting my art to Deviant Art and here, since LiveJournal feels like a safer way for me to express myself. People of all ability levels show their work on these kinds of sites, after all. I don't want to give up my creative activities and in recent years poetry writing especially has started to help me emotionally. I just don't need external validation to keep trying to improve my abilities or work on creative activities.

I also enjoy scrapbooking, which is creative, even though I'm not impressive at scrapbooking (at all). I'd kind of like to make an art journal where I write down things that inspire me or little poems/poem bits with pictures I draw or collage. It sounds like a lot of work, though, and I tend to be pretty simple in the kind of art I do. I'm reading a book that kind of makes me feel better about the last novel I wrote, despite my disinterest at the moment of querying. The book Shanghai Girls by Lisa See is about two sisters over the course of their life. It doesn't have a clear-cut "plot" exactly... There are a number of subplots in my last novel, but the overall "plot" is mostly just the growth and maturity of the protagonist over the course of several years.

For my next novel I want to write a young adult fantasy novel that does have a clear-cut plot. I'm going to incorporate fantasy and plot elements I like from all sorts of formats, but mostly fantasy-oriented -- other fantasy books, anime, live-action and animated fantasy, fairy tales, etc. I'm going to work on more brainstorming on that later today. I also will hopefully start drawing human figures again tomorrow, for practice. I'm out of canvases and need to buy some more this week. Then I will paint again with acrylics. I want to paint detailed Impressionism-type paintings like I used to do. I've veered a little away from that recently and some of my paintings I think are too simplistic. I will photograph the last few and post them soon. They're not very impressive, though. Oh well, I like to remind myself even when my writing or art doesn't turn out as good as I'd like that I'm still learning. Sometimes I can put the work aside for awhile and then fix it -- sometimes I just let it sit or even paint over it. I have a giant canvas I'm not satisfied with, but I'm not sure if I want to just paint over it. I'm also not sure how to improve it, though:-/

Personal Commandments
1. Only I can make myself happy.
2. Happiness is a choice.
3. Don't be quick to judge.
4. Compliment more and criticize less.
5. Set goals for each day and force myself to get started.
6. Enjoy the process.
7. Do not ruminate on bad memories or upsetting things.
8. Help someone or compliment someone in some way every day.
9. Tell people how thankful I am for them and what they do.
10. Be myself.
11. When there is a problem, state what the problem is and drop it (don't keep complaining).
12. Don't hurt myself (because that hurts other people, too).
13. Enjoy the small pleasures of each day.
14. Let go of needing to be in control of everything that happens in my life or others' lives.
15. Be kind to myself and to all other people, animals, and other living things.
Edit: 16. Relax -- Don't worry

Also I want to spend less time on the internet so I get more done and maybe teach myself to focus better. Starting Monday I'm going to try just checking LiveJournal, Facebook, and my email twice a day (morning and night). I will write out all my emails at once and send them. I will stay off instant messengers, but I'm rarely on Windows Live already, so that should be easy. I will continue making as many posts to LiveJournal as I want, though, as I think the writing is very helpful for me and I like keeping such a detailed record. Also I feel inspired since the bad incident to send out more query letters and keep up with my art and writing.

These are my new daily goals:
1. Internet stuff in the morning
2. Write at least one page of fiction (preferably more, and definitely more while writing novels)
3. Write at least one poem
4. Prepare a query or something related to a query every day
(I have a book on agents and publishers, but it's 5 years old, but may help me locate people online since I imagine more now have websites and online querying -- it's more efficient and cheaper).
5. Do art daily
(either painting or drawing -- when I can, get a big sketchbook and some graphite sticks)
6. Internet stuff at night

And, in general, start buying "fun" stuff only at the end of the month when I see I have the money to spend -- not at the beginning of the month which leads to too much spending.

Today I got good news: A literary agency has requested to see my whole manuscript(s). I emailed them to ask if they have Open Office (since they stated in the email that they have almost all word processing programs). If they do have Open Office I can just send my manuscripts as they are now -- if they don't Michael and I will spend a long time copy and pasting my writing into Microsoft Word. I also have to answer a few questions in the body of my email (the manuscripts are sent as attachments). At first I was really happy they wanted to see my work, but then I got moody and stressed because I can't make documents from Open Office open properly in any other word processor, no matter what type of document I try saving it as. I don't know why this is. I should start using Microsoft Word more. Also maybe online I can find out how to save Open Office documents... Now I'm calmer. We went with my mother for a long bike ride and had ice cream (I had strawberry cheesecake). It's still a long way from having an agent, but at least it's a step in the right direction:-)

Well Michael and I did end up going to the nearby Old Navy and I found the butterfly water bottle I really liked and bought it for $5:-) At first I asked my mother to take me because Michael was leaving today and she got very irritated with me because she felt I should have bought it yesterday when I saw it. I get really upset when people get irritated with me:-( I was indecisive about buying it yesterday because technically I already had another water bottle I just bought and I wasn't sure how much things at the ballet would cost. I feel much better now that that's out of the way, though. We looked at a couple different stores, too.

Also before Michael left we watched the anime movie Ponyo by Studio Ghibli. Michael didn't expect it to be that great but he really loved it. I liked it a lot too. I liked the similarities between the story and The Little Mermaid. It was really sweet and I liked the ending.

While Michael is gone I plan to write a short story, get back to writing a poem a day, try writing in my paper journal daily (though it's mostly venting and negative obsessions), and completing a painting. Hopefully I will start tonight.