unico_love | Entries tagged with michael

I'm feeling depressed about my life. I've accomplished so little in the past year other than stay alive. I've had symptom after symptom pop up. Abnormal test result followed by abnormal test result with no "real" answer. Nothing that connects the dots. When I get my dizzy spells, Michael worries what they mean. My brother and mother were hoping for a tumor in the pituitary gland. Hoping for a tumor... How low do you have to sink for that? My mentality is way off. I like the internet, but don't get enjoyment the way I used to out of in-person socializing. I don't feel like sending emails, though, either. I have nothing to say. I do nothing that would interest other people. My main enjoyment comes from helping other people and giving to other people. Hence, Project Snow makes me happy. Helping a loved one less fortunate who could benefit not only financially from me, but from my knowledge of things like make up and clothing, etc.

I'm reading a book right now and it says how everything is conscious. You can incarnate as literally anything and reincarnate as anything. It's like, I've thought this since I was 11 years old. I've prayed for the souls of living and non-living things for many, many years. People need a book on it? I get people have different beliefs, but this stuff is so ingrained in my heart. I'm feeling less desire to be partnered (who knows? Maybe that's just my lack of libido). I wouldn't mind becoming a nun, but I do not agree with the Catholic church. Maybe Buddhist? I am ready to take a vow of poverty and a vow of celibacy. I no longer feel fit for this world. At times that scares me and I think I'm going to die soon, having finished with this life. I feel like I've already lived through so much and learned so much from everything.

This sickness leaves me feeling haunted. My body is disjointed, not interacting properly with the environment. It is not running well. Neither is my mind, personality, or spirit. I am full of love for everyone. That is the one thing intact. I am bursting with love. I feel quite strange.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Location: My bedroom
Current Music: Glee - Give Your Heart a Break

Well this weekend wasn't the greatest. Saturday we had Cory, Kat, and Kat's husband, Chris come over. But that was later in the day. Earlier in the day I sat around as lazy as I usually am. And it was nice to see my friends, and we had pizza for dinner, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from the computer while they were watching bad old B movies. And then I started feeling more ill. The tickle in my throat from that morning was followed by a full-blown sore throat, aches, and chills. I eventually went into my bedroom to type more privately, and stayed there the rest of the night. Eventually, I couldn't really move, so a shower wasn't an option. I stayed fully dressed and Michael gave me my night meds. I didn't wash my face or brush my teeth. I couldn't sleep. I took way too many pills (not going into detail here because it might trigger people with suicidal ideation or whom have attempted suicide on pills in the past). But it makes me more sure than ever I have Cushings, considering how many pills I was taking (not a ton all at once) and how they didn't make me sleepy. I must have a ton of cortisol still running through me at night. I am going to demand the late night salivary test for cortisol.

I eventually fell asleep and spent the rest of the day in bed, in bad pain, including in my fingers and toes. I got myself propped up at 6pm and Michael gave me the computer. As the hours wore on I did better and better and eventually showered. I slept last night. I woke up today still feeling ill, but not nearly as bad.

Michael and Dan went to Chicago to see the moving From Up on Poppy Hill, but I didn't feel well enough to go. I still feel sick and weak. We also called the scheduling center about my MRI, but there are no sooner appointments available. We left a message for my endocrinologist about my bone pain and asking for a bone scan. Didn't hear back from her today...

Current Mood: anxious
Current Location: Glen Ellyn

Solemn Mermaid - 1/2/13

I know you hate the sappy sentimentality
The dribble and the drabble
The pathetic passing as poetry
You never seemed to get
Just give me one chance
Even that won't be enough, I bet
But still there's hope
Still I pine for your haunting eyes
To pass by me once more

I idolized you, lithe yet alluring mermaid
Porcelain with hair onyx beneath the waves
A face and figure us earth girls die for -- literally
Endless nights I pinched my belly, lamented my empty breasts
For I could not compare to your curvacious perfection
Held in proper modesty, which could never hide your physical gifts

And intelligent as anyone, much more than many
Reading French classics when other children played on the monkey bars
Their whild deeds held no interest to you
Instead, you tipped up your nose
You fed the stray cats the meat you didn't want
You read Les Miserables with ferver and passion
No other eight year old could grasp, tormenting you instead
Tragically trying to break the spirit of an angel on earth

In awe I learned such things
I wanted to hug you, hold you
Make you know you were good and holy
The God you prayed to had not forsaken you
You were always such a good little girl
At the Kingdom Hall
Faithfully attending and sharing and participating
You believed, you prayed, you took the pain and deepened your belief
God loved you deep into the ocean you came from, right through the seaweed and coral

It might be hard to understand why things happened as they did
Why you must suffer so much more than me
Or even than others who live to torment the innocent
Darling, I have no answers
But my embrace is here if you ever want to return
As is his, the one most deeply hurt
The one you care about so at your core
Don't let a good dream go
Don't box yourself into old-fashioned duties that don't make anyone happy

Rules sometimes outlive their purpose
You can be good, darling, you are already good, darling
Just be careful how you tread, your mistakes are forgiven
Your sins are so minor
Forgive yourself, that's all you need to do
So come back to us
No need to dissociate, no need to destroy relationships
You can love us all and we can love you back
We'll make a chain of daisies and put it on your innocent head
Hold hands with your husband and give him a kiss
Then let yourself smile at us -- a real smile
Knowing we are all pure and we are all works in progress

You do not need to suffer for your faith, dear one
I love you, he loves you, God loves you, your husband loves you
So fear nothing, and give everything your most honest effort
Life need not be so complicated
Go for a swim, pretty little mermaid
Take a break and think and feel
Let the salty water hide your tears -- never your beauty
We'll all be waiting here patiently

Current Mood: tired
Current Location: Glen Ellyn, IL
Current Music: Billy Joel - Say Goodbye to Hollywood

Wow. An ex-friend certainly went to great lengths to break Michael's heart. She's proven herself to be quite the little liar.... All those morals and ethics she talks about? Non-existent. All for show. Can't say I feel too sorry for her about her problems now that her "true self" has been revealed. Yikes.

Current Mood: angry
Current Location: Glen Ellyn, IL

( Obsessions )

Current Mood: sleepy
Current Location: Glen Ellyn, IL

Today has been a pretty good day. I received a very sweet message from a friend, received my final two bras in the mail.( Bra TMI Again )

Michael and I watched the first hour of The Lord of the Rings final movie. I don't have much attention span for movies or television so we're breaking it up into four parts instead of just two. I read more of the Philip K Dick Exegesis book and checked out two more books from the library on the topic of obsessive love (I've read the books before, but don't clearly remember them).

I had to take a Klonopin around 5pm due to anxiety, but at least it's only been 2mg the past two times. It's really helping... My brother brought me home a giant hamburger with pesto sauce, green peppers, and tomato, but I'm too full to eat most of it:( I will eat most of it tomorrow. My mother also bought me a cherry Arctic Rush from Dairy Queen. My mother had to go to Dairy Queen to get her boyfriend Dilly bars because he feels really sick and is craving them. I hope he feels better soon...

I will probably try to go to bed early tonight so I don't wake up so late tomorrow.

Current Mood: full
Current Location: Glen Ellyn, IL

Today has been a good day and for that I am grateful. Michael and I woke up a bit late. My mother apparently textmessaged me about her dog, whom she was supposed to drop off for me to take care of and then take back to her house before we went to the UU church for our "Spirit in Practice" class. Well, fussy Rasputin didn't want to come over. She was texting me to take him out to pee before the church. I texted her back that I was "in a meeting." O_o Okay... I have no recollection of doing this and have never really been "in a meeting." So it must have been related to a dream I was having... So, sleepwalking, sleep-eating, sleep-talking, now sleep-texting. Unfortunately I did not take the poor dog out to pee:( I'd assumed my mother took him to work with her, which is allowed where she went today:( Oh well, he was okay.

Church was fun! We made lists of what we thought prayer were and what we thought meditation were and how we thought they were similar and different. Then we did a quiet meditation and then an eating meditation (a tangerine). We did a hymn and a reading. We did a couple of worksheet/readings, too, and were given Unitarian Universalist prayer beads. After the church thing we bought cheap cocounut hair conditioner and I read The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis.

I bid on ebay>_>. I allowed my auctions to all end with me losing except the one that was the sweater that reminded me of Mary Margaret Blanchard from Once Upon a Time. I followed Michael's advice and bid my max bid at the end of the auction. I tend to be very impatient and lose the auctions at just a dollar to two above the maximum I'm willing to pay! Very frustrating! I also put in a higher max bid for the mint Anthropologie floral top I love so much that I posted a picture of in here. It will end tomorrow during the day when I will probably be busy, so I just put in the bid and got it over with. The last one ended this morning just $2 past my max bid-_- I should have just paid more. It wasn't worth the hassle... I could have saved elsewhere. If I don't win this auction hopefully there are yet more tops.

Amber (surprisingly) left me an ebay message so I called her, but she was eating. She said she'd call back later tonight, but I want to go to bed early so I will probably call her soon.

My uncle just adopted an eight year old rescue Silk Terrier who is not house broken. His name was Binky (really??) and my uncle re-named him Ernie, after Earnest Hemingway.

Current Mood: good
Current Location: Glen Ellyn, IL

Michael and I had a discussion about our spirituality. We are similar in some of our beliefs, though Michael is more cynical than me in some ways. Also he tends to be more scholarly, reading many religious texts, whereas spirituality for me is more experiential. I sometimes get ecstatic experiences where I feel one with God and the universe. It is incomparable bliss. I also just "feel" like God is with me at all times, like a friend. I pray regularly. I believe in panentheism -- that God encompasses the universe and more. I connect my spirituality a bit with my feeling-oriented, creativity-oriented, lateral thinking brain. I'm more "right-brained," as the term goes (not that that's a very accurate description of what goes on in the brain).

Current Mood: bouncy
Current Location: Glen Ellyn, IL
Current Music: Once Upon a Time

Michael and I have some differences in how we've felt about our past in relation to other people. We are about equally extroverted -- just more extroverted in different ways. Sometimes Michael feels like he always has to have outside social contact in-person (he says this is because he didn't have it as a child/teenager). I often don't need as much contact as him. Sometimes he will be more talkative than me, but sometimes that's the other way around. I am more trusting about people and open up easier than Michael (at least, for the most part). I often talk on behalf of both of us.

Michael also has a history of deep loneliness due to lack of friends and not being able to relate to people. I intensely miss people I'm already close to, but I don't usually feel "lonely" in and of itself. In fact, I'm not really sure what it's like to feel lonely other than missing concrete people who already exist in my life. And I'm pretty good at dealing with long-distance relationships or seeing each other less than most couples. I also often lacked friends and never had a boyfriend/girlfriend until college, but that didn't bother me. I resented my father for the fact that he was so dangerous and controlling so I couldn't really have a social life, but I didn't mind being by myself with few friends. My autism also made it hard to find friends I related to closely. Still, Michael was depressed in his youth and, despite the abuse I faced, I was not. I loved immersing myself in Sailor Moon. That was good enough for me. And I don't think I'm lying to myself or anything -- I just don't tend to get lonely. I was a mostly happy child when I wasn't being abused or overloaded. Until my first depressive episode at age 19 I was probably happier than the average person (and I know I was at age 18 when I was hypomanic).

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Location: Glen Ellyn, IL
Current Music: Say Yes to the Dress

I'm feeling a little irritable right now, but I don't know why... I will probably take my night medications soon and try to meditate. I tried calling Amber, but she didn't answer her cellphone. I miss her... Michael and Dan went out to stores for stuff for Michael's Gundam models. They will probably get back late, as usual. I might go out with a friend (Teal) tomorrow morning, so I shouldn't stay up late. I am craving chocolate chip muffins. I love them so much! Today has been pretty ordinary. Dan is spending the night because it is very cold tonight and he usually lives out of his car.

Current Mood: blah
Current Location: Glen Ellyn, IL
Current Music: Jem and the Holograms

Yesterday was pretty good, but ordinary. Today has been a pretty great day for my birthday!♥ I have some bad memories around this time of year, but last year's birthday was good and this one was better in some ways. And it's not over yet, so hopefully it will continue to be good!

It was quite snowy, but Michael and I were able to pull out of the driveway to drive to the movie theater. I wore the dark blue floral Aerie dress that Michael gave me for Christmas, a tank top, black leggings, and a pink and white scarf. I wore my winter boots and heavy coat. Michael had given me eyeshadow for my birthday and let me have it early, my mother gave me boots early, and my brother gave me a coat early, so no presents to open today, which was fine.

We went to see Beauty and the Beast in 3D. It's a great movie! I didn't care about the 3D part -- I love Disney movies. And they had a short Tangled after-story shown before Beauty and the Beast. It was cute.

Then Michael and I met my mother, brother, and Dan (friend of Michael's and mine) at a Japanese restaurant in Lisle that served hibachi. There were tables each with their own cooking area for the chef, where he cooked everything right in front of you. The lunch meals came with miso soup (my first time having it! It was good!), salad with a ginger dressing (also good, even though I usually don't like ginger), then the main entree -- wheat noodles mixed with vegetables, fried rice, and meat/fish. I had hibachi sirloin steak cooked medium. My mother had basically the same thing, but with Teriyaki sauce. They gave us a ginger sauce and horseradish for dipping. They also had green tea, which I didn't have because I knew I didn't like it. I'm really bad at eating with chopsticks:P It was really good food, though, and tons of it. I ate all my food, minus the mushrooms and some vegetables, and my mother's noodles. My mother, unexpectedly, paid for all our meals!

I went out later with my mother to Fannie May (a candy store) and my mother bought me 1/2lb (two 1/4lb pieces) of maple nut fudge. One is in the freezer now. I will allow myself a tiny piece each day. I still have to exercise tonight. Dan is over right now, though he works tonight.

I received a manga in the mail (Neon Genesis Evangelion: The Raising Shinji Ikari Project) and a ring and note from one of my aunts. The ring has a purple stone in it (amethyst?) and fits on my index finger. She misspelled my name on the letter:(

Hopefully the rest of today goes great, too! I'm going to try and think of myself as "leveling up" with each birthday instead of just getting old. I've had several friends refer to birthdays as that before...

Current Mood: busy
Current Location: Glen Ellyn, IL

Today went well, for the most part. I copied Michael's mother's Christmas cd's onto my computer. We watched more Christmas specials and will be watching The Snowman momentarily. Michael's mother and sister spent most of the day making Christmas cookies. We were going to stop by Michael's father's house but he didn't answer his phone all afternoon and by the time we got ahold of him it was too late and we were preparing for dinner and gift opening, immediately after Michael and I leaving for church for their Christmas Eve service.

I felt so guilty because I didn't include the gift receipt with Michael's mother's sweater!:( I must have stupidly thrown it out. It was a medium, but she's gained some weight. I really hope it still fits her or she likes it well enough to hold onto in case she loses weight (she's going on a diet after the holidays). I also made her a painting of lilacs, which she liked. I gave Michael's sister eyeshadow and primer and Michael gave her a tripod. Michael's friend Dan also visited in the afternoon and he gave us the Saturday Night Live board game and the He-Man and She-Ra Christmas special (we will watch that tomorrow!) He also bought Michael a video game. Michael gave him some anime.

There was no serious drama at Michael's mother's house for a change, which was nice. It took us 45 minutes to get to church from Michael's mother's house, so it's good we left at 7pm (church started at 8pm). We had lit candles during "Silent Night." There were Christmas readings and carols. We will probably be going to the Christmas service at 11:15am tomorrow, too. It will also be Christmas-themed with carols. We are recording the Disney Christmas parade that will be going on then.

These are the presents I received today:
-A very soft and warm robe with rainbow stars on it from Michael's mother
-Fairy Tales: A New History by Ruth B. Bottingheimer from Michael's sister
-The first two books of L.J. Smith's The Secret Circle (which I bought in 2001 before they were popular, so I gave the copy to my brother as a gift for fixing my internet problem)
-Everwood seasons 3 and 4 from my brother
-A lavender sweater from my mother (which I had to open tonight because the box was all wet)
In my stocking:
-A Disney princess coloring and activity book
-A Tinkerbell and fairies coloring and activity book
-Dark chocolate buttercreams and Mays (chocolate filling)
-Dark chocolate Reese's peanut butter cups
-Candy buttons (which I gave to Michael)
-Ankle socks, some argyle
-A fuzzy, colorful scarf
-My Nicor gas bill:P Almost $90! I've got to keep the heat down this month...

I'm wearing the new robe now:-) I think my Victorian-style nightgown might have to be thrown out due to stains... I always wore it every Christmas to imitate the Nutcracker. I always wanted to be whisked away to a magic land. I also love nutcrackers.

I've decided I'm going to get Michael's mother and sister birthday gifts since they both have birthdays in January. Maybe we can visit them shortly after my birthday. I intend to get his mother a sweater in a size Large with a gift receipt this time. I feel so guilty over that...

Overall, a great Christmas Eve!:D

Current Mood: cheerful
Current Location: Glen Ellyn, IL

I'm sick:( It's just a cold or something. I have a very sore throat. I felt hot, but now I kind of have chills. I'm supposed to go to the church tomorrow morning to help clean and then in the afternoon we were going to go to a few supposedly haunted locations with a church friend and his girlfriend. I might have to skip all that unless I feel much better tomorrow:( Oh well...

I talked to my psychiatrist last night and he's going to write up Ritalin LA prescriptions for me and Michael will pick them up. I'm also going to try increasing the Latuda. Michael's also probably going to the Japanese Market with his friend Dan. That food sounds so good... I'm struggling to read a young adult book called Grace because it's a dystopian that doesn't give you a lot of information right away on how the world operates so I have to concentrate harder than usual. I will try to finish it today.

Current Mood: sick
Current Location: Glen Ellyn, IL
Current Music: Downsized

A bad day and a good day. So far it's ending as a good day:-) Michael had some problems with Target last night (he had things on hold that were no longer on hold for him when he got there) and then today (not clear on what went wrong at Target today). Michael got massively lost trying to get to a friend's house to help him with antivirus stuff (this friend and his parents are more computer illiterate than even me). Michael calmed down then and had a much easier time making it home. He brought me back a blueberry cake doughnut that I ate with a small glass of milk. I love milk and tend to drink it with brownies, cake, cookies, doughnuts -- basically sweets of any kind, other than ice cream (which provides the milk for me;-). We watched Glee online. It got cut off at the very end, though:( Which is too bad because I'd like some reliable streaming for Glee since it's on the same night as my church's Crafting and Conversation.

We're going to email a nearby church member about carpooling to Crafting and Conversation. It would help a lot with gas. April brought up maybe visiting for a short while Tuesday night, but we love Crafting:( I am learning sign language there. I'm having trouble remembering K, P, and T. Pictures online don't help me. It's hard for me to convert something two dimensional into something three dimensional. I will just get some more assistance at church. They do have a sign language class on Mondays, but we're already using up so much gas for the church.:( Yoga will be held once a month again and I'm looking forward to that.

I wasn't too anxious today until I realized, by idly checking amazon, that my Sailor Moon and Codename: Sailor V manga had been delivered September 13th and I never received them! Someone would have brought them in from the porch. I think someone stole them. The money had been deducted from my bank account for them and I'd even written it in my checking account the day before arrival. I just forgot... But fortunately Michael called amazon and got to talk to someone right away about what happened and they are overnight shipping replacements for me! That made me really happy. Unfortunately Michael noticed my big surprise present for his birthday in my amazon.com account:( That made me feel bad...

Now I'm going to do some yoga and maybe meditate. I also want to read more (finished reading The Time Traveler's Wife). And I should clean the toilets and sink.

Current Mood: good
Current Location: Glen Ellyn, IL

Today went pretty well. First I went with Michael to his therapy appointment and sat in the waiting room. He discussed with his therapist how he has all these connecting conditions and how they would make sense as just autism/Asperger Syndrome (Sensory Integration Disorder, OCD, ADHD, social issues, Auditory Processing Disorder, etc.) Then we had half-priced milk shakes at Steak n' Shake. Then we went to a church friend's house to watch the first two Star Wars movies (chronologically) on blu-ray. I read most of The Time Traveler's Wife while the movies were playing. I've seen them in theater. Sunday after church we will finish the second and watch the third. I was a bit anxious earlier in the first movie, but by the time we had pizza for dinner I was calmer and it was easy to stay still and read. I didn't even need Klonopin. Now it's time for me to take my medications and go to bed.

Current Mood: tired
Current Location: Glen Ellyn, IL

214: what are your feelings on gay marriage?

I think it should be legal.

215: a letter to your crush

Dear Michael,
I love you very much. Thank you for being patient with me and understanding of my difficulties. I'm very glad you are in my life and that we met. I'm glad we gave our relationship a second chance. You mean the world to me!

Love,
Bridgett

( 365 Day Meme )

Current Mood: anxious
Current Location: Glen Ellyn, IL

Results of Michael's psych assessment today: Michael does have ADD/ADHD, but he does not have OCD -- He is on the Autism Spectrum. This explains a lot. He will give me more information when he gets home and tomorrow he has a psychiatrist appointment with his old psychiatrist, who also works with autistic people (good fortune).

Current Mood: surprised
Current Location: Living room futon
Current Music: Say Yes to the Dress

Today while on our way to do errands Michael and I found a timid, scared looking cat sitting right by the busy road. We stopped and picked her up and went to the nearby animal clinic to see if she was microchipped. She wasn't. They took down the cat's information in case someone called. The other clinics are closed now and Monday we will call them all (and Animal Control) to alert them to the found lost cat. She is tan and brown stripes with white patches and blue eyes. She is very docile, purrs, likes to be held, etc. She looks well-fed and well-groomed. She is clearly a pet and not a stray. Michael is putting up pictures of the cat with his phone number around the area we found the cat. My mother won't let us keep her at her house:( Mrs. Bates already hates other cats (and misbehaves because of it). We can't take in another cat. Our house is too small, smells like cat, our current cats don't behave, and we don't have the money. It's hard enough affording three cats. I'm hoping the owner shows up; otherwise we may have to take her to the no-kill shelter near where Michael used to live:( Though I do think she'd be adopted quickly because of her looks and gentle demeanor.

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Location: Living room futon

No, neither Michael nor I want children. We have enough to deal with with our mental illnesses/disabilities and we could never afford a child. Also I don't think I could mentally handle pregnancy or labor. We wouldn't qualify for adoption, either. If I did adopt I'd want to adopt older children that have trouble finding good homes, though.

( 365 Day Meme )

Current Mood: calm
Current Location: Living room futon
Current Music: Glee -- Baby

Today I went with my mother and Michael to the fair in Wheaton. We arrived early, though, so a lot of things weren't set up:-( Michael bought me a little ceramic unicorn (white with a pink mane and horn) and he bought himself an ostrich marionette. My mother bought flip-flops with ribbons on them. I just finished eating some fried rice I bought from the nearby Chinese restaurant. Michael is eating pizza. I'm finally getting too hot so I turned on the air-conditioner. Tomorrow I'm supposed to see April and Phil! I haven't seen them for almost a month. I'll try to do some writing and meditating today. I still have a bad cough.

Current Mood: full
Current Location: Glen Ellyn, IL

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August 2013

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Journey through Faerieland

Engulfed by the Mists

Entries tagged with michael

Feeling Strange

Sick a Flu

Poem -- Solemn Mermaid

Ex-Friend Drama

More House Obsessions, Bed Now

Pretty Good Day

Ebay, Church Class

Different Types of Spirituality: Scholarly vs. Experiential

Michael vs. Me on Extroversion and Loneliness

Ordinary Day, I'm Feeling Irritable

My 29th Birthday!

Christmas Eve at Michael's Mother's House and at my Mother's House

I'm Sick

Day at Home for Me, but Still Busy

Good Day Watching Star Wars

365 Day Meme: Days 214 and 215

Michael is Autistic!

Found a Lost Cat

365 Day Meme: day 144: are you planning on having children one day?

Day in Wheaton