Journey through Faerieland

Solemn Mermaid - 1/2/13

I know you hate the sappy sentimentality
The dribble and the drabble
The pathetic passing as poetry
You never seemed to get
Just give me one chance
Even that won't be enough, I bet
But still there's hope
Still I pine for your haunting eyes
To pass by me once more

I idolized you, lithe yet alluring mermaid
Porcelain with hair onyx beneath the waves
A face and figure us earth girls die for -- literally
Endless nights I pinched my belly, lamented my empty breasts
For I could not compare to your curvacious perfection
Held in proper modesty, which could never hide your physical gifts

And intelligent as anyone, much more than many
Reading French classics when other children played on the monkey bars
Their whild deeds held no interest to you
Instead, you tipped up your nose
You fed the stray cats the meat you didn't want
You read Les Miserables with ferver and passion
No other eight year old could grasp, tormenting you instead
Tragically trying to break the spirit of an angel on earth

In awe I learned such things
I wanted to hug you, hold you
Make you know you were good and holy
The God you prayed to had not forsaken you
You were always such a good little girl
At the Kingdom Hall
Faithfully attending and sharing and participating
You believed, you prayed, you took the pain and deepened your belief
God loved you deep into the ocean you came from, right through the seaweed and coral

It might be hard to understand why things happened as they did
Why you must suffer so much more than me
Or even than others who live to torment the innocent
Darling, I have no answers
But my embrace is here if you ever want to return
As is his, the one most deeply hurt
The one you care about so at your core
Don't let a good dream go
Don't box yourself into old-fashioned duties that don't make anyone happy

Rules sometimes outlive their purpose
You can be good, darling, you are already good, darling
Just be careful how you tread, your mistakes are forgiven
Your sins are so minor
Forgive yourself, that's all you need to do
So come back to us
No need to dissociate, no need to destroy relationships
You can love us all and we can love you back
We'll make a chain of daisies and put it on your innocent head
Hold hands with your husband and give him a kiss
Then let yourself smile at us -- a real smile
Knowing we are all pure and we are all works in progress

You do not need to suffer for your faith, dear one
I love you, he loves you, God loves you, your husband loves you
So fear nothing, and give everything your most honest effort
Life need not be so complicated
Go for a swim, pretty little mermaid
Take a break and think and feel
Let the salty water hide your tears -- never your beauty
We'll all be waiting here patiently

"The analysand has not spoken of resistances because that might lead to difficulties, and anyway the analyst has "already been forgiven." That is arrogance! It would be much simpler to say, "I blame you for this and that; what have you to say about it?" That would be human, modest, and normally related. But instead, negative reactions hide under the cloak of "forgiveness" and a virtuous and superior attitude and the knowledge that "The analyst is a human being and has negative sides." That is the poison of a wrong Christian attitude. I have often met with this and resent this forgiveness and sweetness of people and would prefer that they were more naturally related and would say straight out what they thought so that one could get a human understanding. This shadow of the Christian attitude is symbolized by the stag hung up in the tree in the medieval legends. If someone just pardons a fellow human being, then nothing happens; the negative assumptions remain for the next ten years!" (pg. 47, von Franz, Shadow and Evil in Fairy Tales).

This makes a lot of sense to me. I hate the idea of being angry or mean, so I never know whether to repress my feelings or let them out. And when I do let them out it's usually a verbal lashing. What I would like to do is what's said here -- Being clear and to the point that I am bothered. Sometimes I do manage doing that, but the situation remains unresolved. Sometimes the main point gets pushed aside. Sometimes I become defensive and sometimes I give in too easily -- as I do feel guilty easily. I feel so much pressure to forgive, but sometimes forgiveness needs time and more experience.

Kindness, openness, shared interests with me, a sense of spirituality, gentle, and devoted.

( 365 Day Meme )

I would rather love one person. I love very intensely and couldn't handle going through a lot of relationships/break ups. Every break up has been very hard on me and I hate losing people -- even when they are abusive. I tend to be codependent.

Also:

“Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.” ~ Goethe

Just wanted to add that quote here so I have it preserved:-)

( 365 Day Meme )

"Out of a misplaced sense of loyalty, adult children often give and give and give, even when they're not getting. Quite often they fool themselves into believing they are getting because they enjoy giving. They are not the same. Be loyal to others, but be loyal to yourself first. Be loyal to others, but set reasonable limits to your loyalty. If the rewards of a personal or business relationship don't match the costs, you need to renegotiate the terms of the relationship."
-pg. 87, Life-Skills for Adult Children by Woititz and Garner

"It is better to light one candle than curse the darkness."
-Chinese proverb

“May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.”

“If you will call your troubles experiences, and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy, however adverse your circumstances may seem to be.”
-John Heywood

I had a dream last night that I think should have been more upsetting than it was. Though I do worry a little that parts of it will hit me later. Instead, it made me feel more calm, more okay, and like some of my current (bad) obsessions were unnecessary. I feel no ill will toward anyone. I love everyone I know right now. I forgive everyone. I feel very fortunate. My anxiety is not bothering me. Amber emailed me last night that she was very sorry she didn't make it online yesterday to talk to me by microphone. She talked about all she'd done in the day (she was very busy). I felt good about this and didn't take it hard when she didn't show up yesterday. I'm hoping to be more productive today than I was yesterday. I'm going to try to finish reading Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets first.

I was feeling a bit depressed and anxious when I woke up this morning, but I pushed it aside and took a shower/got dressed and then went over to my mother's house. I talked to my mother and brother for awhile and then felt a lot better. I just think I need more interpersonal contact. I find it difficult and overwhelming to meet new people (it's much easier online), but I like having close friends and spending time with people. Even when I want to do independent activities like art or reading I like to be in the same room as people I like. It's very rare that I prefer to be completely alone. I do get overloaded at social events with a lot of people (especially if I don't know them well) and I am an introvert, but I'm not as introverted as some people I know.

Going by Jung's personality typology, I am Introverted Intuition dominant with Extroverted Feeling secondary. I definitely do relate to people most through my feeling faculty. Emotions, personal issues, values, evaluations of things from a personal perspective/likes and dislikes are what I like to talk about and the angle on which I tend to focus. I'm not as in to exchanging less emotion-ridden factual information the way a lot of autistics do, though I can monologue about my special interests and foci if given the opportunity. I have an intense interest in people and relationships and spend a lot of time thinking about them. I also think a lot about my own self and trying to understand myself, which is more introverted. My special interests like fairy tales and archetypes I try to apply to myself and relationships. I think it will be good for me once Michael lives here all the time.

I'm feeling rather forgiving and non-judgmental right now... Here are some nice forgiveness quotes I found.


From: http://www.tentmaker.org/Quotes/forgivenessquotes.htm

We are all full of weakness and errors; let us mutually pardon each other our follies
--Voltaire

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.—Unknown

Many people are afraid to forgive because they feel they must remember the wrong or they will not learn from it. The opposite is true. Through forgiveness, the wrong is released from its emotional stranglehold on us so that we can learn from it. Through the power and intelligence of the heart, the release of forgiveness brings expanded intelligence to work with the situation more effectively.
--David McArthur & Bruce McArthur

Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time—just like it does for you and me. --Sara Paddison

You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well. --Lewis B. Smedes

Forgiveness is the answer to the child's dream of a miracle by which what is broken is made whole again, what is soiled is made clean again. --Dag Hammarskjold

"Not to forgive is to be imprisoned by the past, by old grievances that do not permit life to proceed with new business. Not to forgive is to yield oneself to another's control... to be locked into a sequence of act and response, of outrage and revenge, tit for tat, escalating always. The present is endlessly overwhelmed and devoured by the past. Forgiveness frees the forgiver. It extracts the forgiver from someone else's nightmare." - Lance Morrow