Journey through Faerieland

Just got back from the doctor. She was very nice, but basically has no idea what's wrong with me. She's not used to patients with high prolactin, high cortisol, loss of body hair, early onset bone density issues (at least, she never has been the one in charge of dealing with it), etc. She definitely thinks the cause of the prolactin needs to be found because my levels are so ridiculous. There are two endocrinologists in our medical group -- an older, more experienced man and a young woman whom everyone reported back about positively and who is very good about contacting my doctor's office about how things go with patients.

I decided on the female due to the fact that she may be more up-to-date on new medical information, I'm more comfortable with female doctors as far as this stuff goes due to my PTSD, she probably wouldn't have as long a wait (I was told), and just a gut feeling. It turns out she did her fellowship at Mayo Clinic! She also has only been in practice 1 year! To me that's like a kid! But it should relax me. Also I'm hoping that means that, just starting her career, she's eager to prove herself, energetic, not full of herself, etc. Now, I had the *opposite* of this experience with a male doctor (psychiatrist) just out of med school who was first in all his rotations. Oh my gosh, that was bad. So I don't know why I think this will be any different and she won't just think I'm a hypochondriac. I just have a good feeling about her...

And, shockingly, there was an opening at 1:30pm tomorrow!!! The staff member I made an appointment with sounded shocked, too! Heh. So hopefully luck is on my side. My doctor wanted the endocrinologist to do the bone density test because she (gp) wouldn't know what she was doing, but to come back to her if the endo refused.

And my nightly cortisol (or whatever it is) rush has kicked in. Totally anxious and racing heart and shaking. Took Klonopin and Atarax and will see if that slows things down.

Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder made me start thinking about ways to improve my mental health. I never really considered how other symptoms like irritation or being quick to anger can be related to bipolar, even if you aren't currently in a serious mood episode. Also PTSD and OCD are very commonly comorbid with Bipolar and what I read recently is that nearly everyone with bipolar has anxiety problems. This kind of makes sense to me because all of my mental health issues started about the same time. I'd already gotten severe overload problems and meltdowns due to autism, but when I was put in a calmer environment I was fine. And I did get some sadness/anxiety at night, but nothing severe. My first bipolar episode was hypomania with started college and it lasted my first semester. I felt like my brain "switched" over winter break. Then I came back mildly anxious and mildly depressed, but then I ended up being stalked and fell into a severe depression (my first ever). Then a few months later it gradually turned into a bad, long mixed episode which is what I was in for my first psychometric testing.

I have already made goals of ways to improve my life, but here are some changes I'm going to try making specifically for my mental health:

1. Drink 3 bottles of water a day
2. Take my multivitamin and also vitamins of Omega-3 fatty acids
3. Eat (dark) chocolate occasionally (apparently it helps some people)
4. Try to eat a fruit a day
5. Eat peanut butter and yogurt for protein
6. Eat raw vegetables
7. Try to eat the amount of calories my psychiatrist (Eating Disorder specialist) thinks I should eat
8. Stretch daily and maybe try to do yoga (turning off outside stimuli and focusing on breathing)
9. Try to do meditation exercises at least when upset (preferably a daily thing, like stretching)
10. Try to do more strenuous exercise 3x a week (ballet exercises, stomach crunches, and push ups?)
11. Journal out all my problems, obsessions, and worries
12. Take Zyprexa daily and Klonopin as needed, as well as my medications for physical issues
13. Unless it's a special occasion, go to sleep by midnight
14. Have people who know me well watch for any signs that I'm beginning to enter a mood episode so I can do something about it
15. When behaving in unsafe or negative ways, have people close to me point them out and explain why they are problematic
16. Have people try not to argue with me rationally when I'm in a mood episode, but help me find ways to stop the mood episode and cope
17. Email one of my psychologists if I need to talk about something due to mental health problems
18. Page my psychiatrist if I am having problems and need a medication change/increase/decrease
19. Talk to a friend when I'm feeling depressed or lonely
20. Wait out angry feelings before doing anything drastic (write about my feelings and tell someone what I'm feeling and why, maybe having them point out why it would be a mistake to act on my feelings)
21. Do soothing activities when my mood is becoming problematic (art, reading comforting books, writing poems)

I've been feeling pretty calm and reflective today. I took Adipex and Klonopin together when I first got up, and it seems to be working. I'm reading a book called Small Miracles of Love and Friendship by Halberstam and Leventhal. It's a book about positive synchronicities. I'm always noticing synchronicities in my own life, or other coincidences that seem meaningful in some way. Everything in life is filled with some type of meaning for me. That is probably one reason I was (mis)diagnosed with Schizotypal Personality Disorder a long time ago.

It's amazing how I have come to know all my friends (and ex-friends). If situations had just been slightly different I may never have come to know them at all, or at least wouldn't have become attached to them. Every little thing in my relationships seems important and makes me feel something -- even things that seem minuscule and probably unimportant to other people. I usually pay attention to details. I want to enjoy everyone I meet and to have as positive an experience as possible.

In retrospect, even the people and situations that made me feel suicidal feel necessary and important once I've recovered. I've learned more about the kind of person I want to be and the kind of person I don't want to be. Assumptions I once naively made get turned around with experience. I hope to continue to grow closer to the people I know and to meet many more fascinating, kind people that have a lot to teach me. I hope I can learn better social skills to find ways to meet more people (even for just brief encounters) and have less awkward interactions. I think there must be a way of doing this while still being true to myself.

Despite my sometimes severe depressions and feelings of dirtiness resulting from my PTSD, I do sometimes like who I am, some of my qualities and abilities, and I don't always think I mess up. I know I'm constantly improving with hard work, which sometimes satiates me. I would like to be able to handle criticism better, though, so I don't lash out in frustration or feel stupid. I want to become more diplomatic in communication. I'd also like to be better at judging actions as some degree of right or wrong and to become a less "black and white" thinker; also I want to stop judging people as human beings because they make bad choices or don't seem to care. I can't help or change everyone. It's not my duty and to try and change others is presumptuous.

I started out the day very nauseated, so I skipped tutoring (again). I hope to go tomorrow morning. I also have plans to see a friend in the afternoon. Additionally, I'm supposed to drop off a painting at the local art league for another one of their shows. My brother has some of his stuff going on tomorrow too, so hopefully there will be time for everything (my mother has to drive us). My afternoon went all right and I borrowed a book from the library I'm very excited about, a book that has also helped me figure out a bit more about my writing genre. The book is The Forest of Forgetting by Theodora Goss. The introduction was very helpful to me.

Later this evening I got triggered by something and fell apart. I controlled myself better than at other times (progress, I guess?), but I sounded pathetically self-deprecating. I still feel very bad about this situation and I cried a lot over it. I said things to a friend that came out in a way I didn't intend. I also emailed someone and I don't know if it was a good decision or not. I guess I will find out eventually... I just don't know what to feel or do or what my goals should be in my current interpersonal situations. It's all such a mess...

Someone asked me today why I sometimes get very critical and mean of people I really adore. How can I find things to be mean about or criticize when I idealize them? It's something important to think about. I never think someone is perfect, just perfect enough for me to really admire, for their synesthetic matrix/aura/self to feel and look enchanting and magical and naturally pure. I still pay careful attention to patterns and deviations from patterns. Those can make me very overwhelmed no matter how much I care. I get really scared, feel really out of control, and do what I learned to do as a teenager -- which is to verbally lash out to regain some control over my life (though unfortunately it can extend to trying to control other people to make them do or "be" how I want them to be in order to feel the world makes sense and there's overall stability). I am not sufficiently flexible with people and their quirks, their changing of their minds, their confusion with themselves and life. I get frustrated and react automatically in a judgmental way, trying to provoke some kind of response so I feel acknowledge (if disliked...)

I don't usually think worse of the person I'm criticizing; it's all about regaining a sense of control and stability. It's about trying to make people have a glimpse into the confused state I am in so we can have more mutual empathy. I can see when I've done wrong and apologize. I don't want to really control anyone; I would hate the fakeness of that and can't stand when people are in pain (driving me into a further confusion, given I can cause pain by my cruel actions). If someone really is that wonderful to me, I have to demonstrate basic respect and forgiveness, even when the person is acting in strange ways that don't make sense to me. I know my feelings are loyal, and my actions have to be loyal too.