Journey through Faerieland

Today I was not very anxious. I did feel like fainting when I woke up, though. My head felt heavy and cold, my hands felt cold. Upon standing, I swayed and saw black. So after breakfast (oatmeal) and not feeling better, I had some chicken, which helped very quickly. It had been a couple days since I'd had meat. I'm super reliant on it. I'm going to try rice and beans since it's supposed to also be a complete protein. I felt tired from the Valerian I took earlier and laid down in bed for awhile. I finished reading a book. I felt steady enough to shower and afterwards I was freezing cold.

I received Cinderella the dvd/Blu-ray combo in the mail today, as well as my neuro/cardio bill. I was charged nothing for neuro, presumably because I had Medicaid as well as Medicare then. I was charged $80 for cardio, after I was taken off Medicaid. I just paid the bill to not deal with the hassle, though I hope I get re-approved for Medicaid. I think with my bank statement I have a good chance.

Michael and Dan went on a trip up to eastern Wisconsin, just past the Illinois border, looking at a bunch of stores. I was picked up by our friend Kat and brought to her condo where a group was playing Scrabble and Bananagrams and I watched (by choice). We talked and I had peppermint tea and we ate veggie pizza. I ate three pieces. I don't know why I didn't get full sooner... And now I'm paying for it with bad gas -- bloated and abdominal cramping. I'm drinking more peppermint tea to see if that helps.

Now I'm back at home, drinking tea, about to take my meds, and I've turned on the heat to 68 degrees. I'm probably going to sleep in the clothes I'm wearing and just take my bra off and wear lots of layers (I'm wearing a long-sleeved t-shirt, thermal leggings, lounge pants, as well as a fleece sweater. It's probably about time to wash and put away the new jersey sheets and put on the old flannel sheets. Then eventually the fleece.

My goals for tomorrow:
-Pick up clutter
-Put old vacuum into my brother's car, as well as other recyclable electronics
-Rearrange bookshelves and get rid of more books possibly
-Work on CBT book
-Journal
-Read
-Watch movie
-Back up everything onto my external hard drive
-Clean the litterboxes
-Dust
-Email/Internet stuff
-See if I have any more clothes to get rid of
-Put away/break down boxes

I've broken a couple rules and bought myself 2 $0.01 books from amazon.com the past 2 days. They require $3.99 shipping, so really it's $8.00. I already have books to read!>_< I'm also craving clothes, but I just bought clothes. So maybe this is less superficial of me? We can only hope... I also finished buying Michael's birthday presents and paid my hospital bill and ambulance bill. I paid rent and credit card and netflix. My major bills in waiting that are unavoidable: electric, gas, Valium, and cat food. Other things I will spring for are: food/coffee out with friends and the pumpkin farm. Maybe I will find myself up to buying some Christmas presents early. Who knows? I will wait until later in the month in case of more unexpected bills before I buy anything unnecessary and unexpected. I'd love to use my credit card barely at all so next month I have more money in my checking account and can pay back my $80 for the external hard drive back to my packet of savings. That would be a good start on my quest for saving. A quest that mostly will have to wait until after Christmas.

Well I've been unproductive so far today:P I think I'm finally going to start reading the Philip K Dick book Izzy gave me. It's quite a long book, so I will probably pace myself and read other books at the same time. I'd also like to look through my clothes, build a bigger pile of what to get rid of, and find a few missing items. I did have some anxiety this morning, so it was my morning anxiety meds, as usual:P But I've only been on levothyroxine a week and a half or so -- there's still plenty of time for it to help more. Overall, I have noticed a lessening of my anxiety aside from last night. I'm feeling less obsessive over my weight. Today I think I look good:-) Because my anxiety is always worse at night I'm going to ask my doctor if she thinks I should take vitamin D supplements and/or return to calcium supplements. I was on calcium while anorexic, but stopped taking them when I ran out and was no longer underweight.

Edit: I just purchased high-potency Vitamin D3 and a Calcium/Magnesium combination supplement. I'm also going to increase my B-Complex+Vitamin C to two times a day and my Fish Oil to 2 times a day.

"The analysand has not spoken of resistances because that might lead to difficulties, and anyway the analyst has "already been forgiven." That is arrogance! It would be much simpler to say, "I blame you for this and that; what have you to say about it?" That would be human, modest, and normally related. But instead, negative reactions hide under the cloak of "forgiveness" and a virtuous and superior attitude and the knowledge that "The analyst is a human being and has negative sides." That is the poison of a wrong Christian attitude. I have often met with this and resent this forgiveness and sweetness of people and would prefer that they were more naturally related and would say straight out what they thought so that one could get a human understanding. This shadow of the Christian attitude is symbolized by the stag hung up in the tree in the medieval legends. If someone just pardons a fellow human being, then nothing happens; the negative assumptions remain for the next ten years!" (pg. 47, von Franz, Shadow and Evil in Fairy Tales).

This makes a lot of sense to me. I hate the idea of being angry or mean, so I never know whether to repress my feelings or let them out. And when I do let them out it's usually a verbal lashing. What I would like to do is what's said here -- Being clear and to the point that I am bothered. Sometimes I do manage doing that, but the situation remains unresolved. Sometimes the main point gets pushed aside. Sometimes I become defensive and sometimes I give in too easily -- as I do feel guilty easily. I feel so much pressure to forgive, but sometimes forgiveness needs time and more experience.

"Unfortunately, because people on the spectrum experience and express empathy differently than neurotypical people, they have traditionally been viewed as lacking empathy and feelings for others. Recent research has not supported this idea, however. Researchers have divided empathy into cognitive empathy and emotional empathy. Cognitive empathy happens when you think about another person's feelings without necessarily feeling anything yourself. "The relatives of the deceased are sad," but you don't necessarily feel sad yourself. Through a purely intellectual exercise you have arrived at a correct answer. Emotional empathy happens when you not only correctly identify the other person's feeling but also feel some of the same emotion yourself. In the funeral example, you would be experiencing emotional empathy if you said to yourself, "I feel sad when I think about how sad these people are." Your sadness is coming not from the fact that you lost someone (you did not know the deceased) but from your empathy for the people who did lose someone.

Interestingly, some recent research has revealed that on tests of cognitive empathy people with ASDs tend to score lower (show less cognitive empathy) than neurotypicals. However, on tests of emotional empathy, people with ASDs scored higher, indicating that people on the spectrum actually feel more intense emotion in the face of the troubles or distress of another person(s). Some people on the spectrum report, in fact, that they get very anxious when someone else is in distress because they believe it is their responsibility to alleviate the other person's pain by fixing the problem. The pressure they put on themselves can get overwhelming if they don't know what to do to help."
-pg. 69, Living Well on the Spectrum, by Valerie Gaus

This is so true for me! I used to think I couldn't be autistic because I always felt so much emotional empathy. I do lack cognitive empathy often, though. Just seeing someone upset upsets me. And I always feel like I have to fix other people's problems so they can be happy. I don't doubt some autistics have trouble with both types of empathy (cognitive and emotional), but I think I've met more with extreme emotional empathy than lack of it.

A bad day and a good day. So far it's ending as a good day:-) Michael had some problems with Target last night (he had things on hold that were no longer on hold for him when he got there) and then today (not clear on what went wrong at Target today). Michael got massively lost trying to get to a friend's house to help him with antivirus stuff (this friend and his parents are more computer illiterate than even me). Michael calmed down then and had a much easier time making it home. He brought me back a blueberry cake doughnut that I ate with a small glass of milk. I love milk and tend to drink it with brownies, cake, cookies, doughnuts -- basically sweets of any kind, other than ice cream (which provides the milk for me;-). We watched Glee online. It got cut off at the very end, though:( Which is too bad because I'd like some reliable streaming for Glee since it's on the same night as my church's Crafting and Conversation.

We're going to email a nearby church member about carpooling to Crafting and Conversation. It would help a lot with gas. April brought up maybe visiting for a short while Tuesday night, but we love Crafting:( I am learning sign language there. I'm having trouble remembering K, P, and T. Pictures online don't help me. It's hard for me to convert something two dimensional into something three dimensional. I will just get some more assistance at church. They do have a sign language class on Mondays, but we're already using up so much gas for the church.:( Yoga will be held once a month again and I'm looking forward to that.

I wasn't too anxious today until I realized, by idly checking amazon, that my Sailor Moon and Codename: Sailor V manga had been delivered September 13th and I never received them! Someone would have brought them in from the porch. I think someone stole them. The money had been deducted from my bank account for them and I'd even written it in my checking account the day before arrival. I just forgot... But fortunately Michael called amazon and got to talk to someone right away about what happened and they are overnight shipping replacements for me! That made me really happy. Unfortunately Michael noticed my big surprise present for his birthday in my amazon.com account:( That made me feel bad...

Now I'm going to do some yoga and maybe meditate. I also want to read more (finished reading The Time Traveler's Wife). And I should clean the toilets and sink.

The last book I finished was The Healing Power of Stories by Daniel Taylor because I'm interested in stories and archetypes and like to see how my life and view of myself are seen through the lense of stories.

( 365 Day Meme )

I'm upset and I may be being unreasonable. I pre-ordered The Last Unicorn comics from conlan press (associated with the author). I could have bought the issues cheaper and without paying shipping through a comic book store, but that didn't occur it. The first two issues were late coming out and the third never came out at all. There was some publishing mix up and Conlan Press didn't get the newer comics and wouldn't be for months, so they offered people like me, who pre-ordered all the comics, the choice of getting the full, hard-cover graphic novel without charge and without receiving the rest of the individual comics. I chose this -- also the book would be personally signed. This book, again, has been delayed many months. I got it today -- and my name is misspelled in it! They spelled it Bridgette instead of Bridgett. This really upsets me. I spent like $45 on the comics, didn't get them all, and now have a long-awaited book with my name wrong. I contacted the publisher about this, but I doubt they will do anything.

"As long as our own serenity, safety, and security are based on someone's fidelity to us, we remain in that person's power."
-Daring to Trust, pg. 65