Journey through Faerieland

Well this weekend wasn't the greatest. Saturday we had Cory, Kat, and Kat's husband, Chris come over. But that was later in the day. Earlier in the day I sat around as lazy as I usually am. And it was nice to see my friends, and we had pizza for dinner, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from the computer while they were watching bad old B movies. And then I started feeling more ill. The tickle in my throat from that morning was followed by a full-blown sore throat, aches, and chills. I eventually went into my bedroom to type more privately, and stayed there the rest of the night. Eventually, I couldn't really move, so a shower wasn't an option. I stayed fully dressed and Michael gave me my night meds. I didn't wash my face or brush my teeth. I couldn't sleep. I took way too many pills (not going into detail here because it might trigger people with suicidal ideation or whom have attempted suicide on pills in the past). But it makes me more sure than ever I have Cushings, considering how many pills I was taking (not a ton all at once) and how they didn't make me sleepy. I must have a ton of cortisol still running through me at night. I am going to demand the late night salivary test for cortisol.

I eventually fell asleep and spent the rest of the day in bed, in bad pain, including in my fingers and toes. I got myself propped up at 6pm and Michael gave me the computer. As the hours wore on I did better and better and eventually showered. I slept last night. I woke up today still feeling ill, but not nearly as bad.

Michael and Dan went to Chicago to see the moving From Up on Poppy Hill, but I didn't feel well enough to go. I still feel sick and weak. We also called the scheduling center about my MRI, but there are no sooner appointments available. We left a message for my endocrinologist about my bone pain and asking for a bone scan. Didn't hear back from her today...

I just finally started a Tumblr. It's taking me a bit to figure out because I'm not good with computers. But here it is: http://etherealunicorn.tumblr.com/

If any of you have Tumblrs please let me know so I can follow you!

I've been participating in a thread (and actually created it) on the instinctual variants for the enneagram. I believe I'm self-preservation, followed by sexual, followed by social. A friend brought up that I could seem self-preservation/social online, which sounds pretty right to me. I think everyone has basically agreed that I seem "social" due to my Extroverted Feeling (being an INFJ), 6w7 as my head type (a very social type), and 9w1 as my gut type (also concerned about people, though I think of it as more introverted than 6w7). Also my core type and image type is 4w3, the 3 wing being more extroverted (4 is withdrawn).
( Lots of Information )

I was really out of it last night! I kept thinking I was on Ambien because I felt so high, but, no, just Klonopin. I think my tolerance has decreased since I take it so (comparatively) rarely now. I did a lot of online shopping... My mother asked for a pretty hoodie like the kind I gave her at Christmas. She didn't ask me to buy her one -- just to find one for her that she could buy. I found a white one with red flowers on it on ebay, new, and I bought it. It was expensive with expensive shipping (shipping from Great Britain), but I was on Klonopin, so what did I care? At least I stopped, last minute, from ordering over $50 from Forever21 because shipping is free with a $50 purchase. I found a hoodie there, too, which is what led me to almost make the big purchase. I can't afford it, so thank goodness I backed out. I had some kind of issue getting the site to work properly. I also bought Michael his main Valentine's Day gift. I might need to start cutting my 2mg Klonopins in half... Which would make me happy to do!

Updated my deviant art account: http://unico1313.deviantart.com/
Nothing especially impressive -- I'm still regaining my art skills after not painting much for a long time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mh2bq5FdqZM

A Xena music video!

( 365 Day Meme )

day 168: how do you feel about cyber bullying
It's terrible and is as real as any other kind of bullying. I get deeply affected by what goes on online and how people treat me there -- it's not just "fake," "walk away from the computer and the problem goes away" to me.

day 169: what is your life motto
"If I have can stop one heart from breaking I have not lived in vain."
-Emily Dickinson

( 365 Day Meme )

Michael's cousin is interested in purchasing some paintings from me, which she saw on my Facebook (I finally uploaded some art there). At first she asked if I sell my paintings, which made me cringe a little, because I think people think I'm too lazy to try and get my art out there (much like my writing, which I have gotten positive feedback from literary agents on). It's not that easy to make a living in the arts! Maybe a graphic designer or something would have a steady job, but I can't do that sort of work. I have sold some paintings, but not many, and I never once won an award at the local art league. That was a little frustrating, because not only my paintings, but many other paintings I thought were superb, didn't win awards (there are monthly art shows/competitions at the art league). I can't get accepted into some art contests. Though I recently missed the deadline for an art competition at a nearby library which I wish I had participated in.

I don't really mind getting suggestions and critiques that I can learn from, but when people are overwhelmingly negative and/or arrogant (one editor told me that no one could give me better advice than him... Full of himself much?) I really feel poorly about myself and feel like my work is no good. I used to want to win awards and have outward success, but I feel a lot less stressed just focusing on how expressing my creativity makes me feel good and relaxed. I write and paint/draw primarily for myself, though I do love compliments. One art major from my college, on Facebook, said my art "blew her away":-) That made me feel good.

I do like sharing my work and I like concrete feedback (knowing exactly what I can do to improve my work), but I dislike when people just barrage me with negativity or (from the opposite end) assume it would be easy for me to make a living doing some type of creative endeavor. I've written five novels that I consider decent and have edited, gotten feedback on, etc. but none of them are published. I was told by one agent that I needed to probably make my work more "commercial." I can't make my work "commercial" or fit certain molds, just like I can't network. I do my work straight from my heart and complete creative works *I* enjoy and that make me happy. Over time I have come to find more peace at just working on pieces and showing them to people I'm close to and just keeping up my work, trying to always improve.

I probably have about 100+paintings, endless drawings, around 600 poems, and 5 (not completely embarrassing) novels completed. I don't even have the files organized well on my computer:P Which is bad and frustrating... I came up with the idea of a modern retelling of The Lady of Shallot, but it was too triggering me after writing all the notes and starting to write the story, so it's on the back burner. I have a ton of short story ideas I'd like to work on soon. Poetry comes most naturally to me lately, though. I'm trying to get into the habit of painting more again, too. Some of my poetry is coming out in an ezine again. I would like to maybe also submit a short story I wrote and a friend helped me edit.

I do still sometimes feel bad about not accomplishing more externally since leaving school, but I try to focus on just improving my work. I also feel super guilty about not having a real, paying job. A lot of people do not understand my situation. Obviously these people don't know me too well, given the fact that I was a mess at school from day 1.

Yesterday night was quite busy. During the day I mostly read and looked at a forum online. Someone was harassing me there:( It was incredibly stressful and I needed to take Klonopin. I don't know how people can think cyber-bullying is less painful than regular bullying. The internet feels "real" to me, certainly. And I'm still so emotionally fragile... If someone told me to kill myself I would probably think that's what I should do. I know that sounds terrible and irrational. I still put too much weight on what other people think of me and I don't have much self-worth yet, though that is slowly getting better.

Last night Michael and I went with Dan to the Music Box Theatre in Chicago to see the new Neon Genesis Evangelion movie. It was subtitled, which was nice. However, the listing online said the movie was at 8:45pm and really it was at 9:45pm! So after we bought our tickets (only $5 for Monday nights!) we went to the nearby Dairy Queen and had ice cream. Then they closed at 9pm and we went back to the theater. I read a bit (Scandinavian folktales) and a friend of Dan's arrived at the theater with his roommate, so they talked to Dan and Michael until the movie started. I was so worried it would be sold out and crowded, but there was hardly anyone there! They didn't even collect our tickets because they knew all of us hanging around had bought our tickets. The movie was shown in the bigger theater and it was beautiful! It's an old theater. Supposedly it's haunted, too (I think by a previous owner? He's supposed to be a friendly spirit). The film was very good and I was actually able to concentrate on it for the whole two hours! Maybe the Klonopin helped my attention span. Also I didn't have distractions around me. Also on Mondays it's buy one drink get one free or buy one popcorn get one free, so Michael gave me his extra popcorn. I generally dislike popcorn that isn't homemade (I only like it without salt and without butter -- completely plain), but I was quite hungry so I ate it all.

I was very tired after the movie and glad to get back home. I felt a bit ill and just hurried up and took my Miralax and medications and went to bed. I felt sick this morning, too. I'm feeling much better now. Michael may go with Dan to "Japan Night" at a bar tonight -- it's where they have Japanese bands play at a bar. I did enjoy one bar that played live music, so maybe I would like Japan Night, but I think I will be staying home.

This is a major pet peeve of mine that I mentioned a variation of recently: Please do not assume that you know more than me about something regarding me. In this case, please do not assume I don't know the risks of medications I take. I know Zyprexa can be dangerous; I am given blood tests and have no dangerous side effects. It could always happen in the future, but right now the benefits outweigh the costs as no other medication helps me as much.

Also Ritalin LA does not give me panic attacks and isn't the cause of my recent meltdowns -- my bipolar most probably is the cause. I've been on Ritalin LA for awhile now, including while I was very stable, on the same dosage I am now. It calms me and lessens my anxiety and depression. Yesterday I took it twice a day instead of once and only had a few minutes of light anxiety. My brother also is not made more hyper or anxious on stimulants. He can drink a pot of coffee and go to sleep. Ritalin also doesn't interfere with my sleep. I'm most certain it is not the cause of my recent meltdowns and mood episodes. And, absolutely, DO NOT ORDER ME TO GO OFF A MEDICATION! You are not my doctor. I highly doubt you know more than my doctor (or even me, no matter how arrogant that sounds). If you have a suggestion or question, that is fine. But do not say I have to do something/can't do something or talk down to me like I don't understand myself or my medications.

Edit: To further explain, though, I do like when people suggest I look into trying different medications if I'm having a problem and saying why this other medication might be more helpful. I also like supplement suggestions as I don't know much about supplements.