Journey through Faerieland

No news on the MRI yet. I just got called about my *urine test* from awhile ago. It was normal. But that is the most unreliable of the tests, often giving, not only false negatives, but false positives. I'm going to have to fight her for a late nigh salivary test for Cushings. Also she said I didn't need a bone density test even though high prolactin and missing periods puts you at high risk for low bone density, regardless of the MRI results. I asked the office worker I talked to to ask the endocrinologist again. If she says no, I'm going to ask my regular doctor for a bone density test, or even my psychiatrist. I had to get my testosterone test from my psychiatrist. Which I still don't know the results of because he's so busy and I haven't seen him since then. I did try to get those results sent over to my endocrinologist *I think.* My memory is horrible now. But I think basically all my hormones were low but cortisol and prolactin, so I'm not surprised the endocrinologist hasn't told me about it, if she did get those results. I don't like my endocrinologist. I want a doctor that wants a lot of testing. I'm going to wait until I get my MRI results back, then push for more Cushings testing. Or if I just get a chance to talk to the doctor. Hopefully something showed up on my MRI and I can see the doctor soon and get all this stuff straightened out. I might need to go to a specialist, anyways, so all these issues would be handed over to them. If that's the case, no point in trying to find a new endocrinologist. Best just to stick this one out.

17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
Dealing with stressful, anxiety-provoking, scary, painful, negative, unjust, and cruel situations.

( 30 Day List Meme )

Michael and I have some differences in how we've felt about our past in relation to other people. We are about equally extroverted -- just more extroverted in different ways. Sometimes Michael feels like he always has to have outside social contact in-person (he says this is because he didn't have it as a child/teenager). I often don't need as much contact as him. Sometimes he will be more talkative than me, but sometimes that's the other way around. I am more trusting about people and open up easier than Michael (at least, for the most part). I often talk on behalf of both of us.

Michael also has a history of deep loneliness due to lack of friends and not being able to relate to people. I intensely miss people I'm already close to, but I don't usually feel "lonely" in and of itself. In fact, I'm not really sure what it's like to feel lonely other than missing concrete people who already exist in my life. And I'm pretty good at dealing with long-distance relationships or seeing each other less than most couples. I also often lacked friends and never had a boyfriend/girlfriend until college, but that didn't bother me. I resented my father for the fact that he was so dangerous and controlling so I couldn't really have a social life, but I didn't mind being by myself with few friends. My autism also made it hard to find friends I related to closely. Still, Michael was depressed in his youth and, despite the abuse I faced, I was not. I loved immersing myself in Sailor Moon. That was good enough for me. And I don't think I'm lying to myself or anything -- I just don't tend to get lonely. I was a mostly happy child when I wasn't being abused or overloaded. Until my first depressive episode at age 19 I was probably happier than the average person (and I know I was at age 18 when I was hypomanic).

I really like Taylor Swift and her music. I've heard a lot of people complaining her music (or at least her lyrics) are immature and childish, but I relate really well to them. Maybe this is partly due to the fact that I emotionally feel much younger than my age, I'm really naive, my emotions tend to be really clear and basic (though strong), etc. Taylor Swift often writes from personal experience, including about break ups or how ex-boyfriends wronged her, which I would probably write about if I were a musician (I already do in my poetry, anyways).

Happiness is when you feel comfortable, at ease, full of positive energy, feel love towards other people and the world as a whole, you are enjoying yourself, and bad memories/worries aren't bothering you. To me, happiness is intricately tied to love.

( 365 Day Meme )

I am having an ecstatic experience right now. This is my first one in quite awhile. It feels like "going home." I feel like I've been away on a long, arduous trip, separated from important parts of myself that I am just now getting back. I feel like I forgive everyone, bear no ill will toward anyone, and deeply love everyone. I feel union with God and the universe. I feel pure and good instead of my usual feelings of inferiority. Everyone who has hurt me or others is hurting themselves at a very deep level -- even if superficially, right now, they don't feel it. Someday they will. And in my beliefs, someday they will turn away from that cruelty and feel love, because deep down they are love.

I haven't meditated today yet, but I'm finding it pretty easy to meditate and so far have not had any bad experiences from it (like falling into negative obsessions or seeing horrible things mentally). Unfortunately my anxiety often returns pretty quickly after meditating:( But, overall, my anxiety is much better than even a couple weeks ago. Maybe I am heading in an upward trend...

Why is this question so much easier than what makes you sad?

Spending time with friends/loved ones, Disney World, childhood toys and cartoons, My Little Ponies and other fantasy ponies, Pullip dolls, books, reading, writing, painting, drawing, fairy tales/folklore/mythology, rainbows, unicorns, boating, cherry blossom and magnolia trees, shopping, folk rock music, Tori Amos, Neil Gaiman and Haruki Murakami's writing, going to the Unitarian Universalist church, ballet, gymnastics, yoga (very new for me!), desserts, mountains, giving and receiving gifts, fantasy movies, learning, playing certain games, being complimented, being loved, spending time with animals, and completing a difficult project all make me happy:-)
( 365 Day Meme )

I was feeling a bit depressed and anxious when I woke up this morning, but I pushed it aside and took a shower/got dressed and then went over to my mother's house. I talked to my mother and brother for awhile and then felt a lot better. I just think I need more interpersonal contact. I find it difficult and overwhelming to meet new people (it's much easier online), but I like having close friends and spending time with people. Even when I want to do independent activities like art or reading I like to be in the same room as people I like. It's very rare that I prefer to be completely alone. I do get overloaded at social events with a lot of people (especially if I don't know them well) and I am an introvert, but I'm not as introverted as some people I know.

Going by Jung's personality typology, I am Introverted Intuition dominant with Extroverted Feeling secondary. I definitely do relate to people most through my feeling faculty. Emotions, personal issues, values, evaluations of things from a personal perspective/likes and dislikes are what I like to talk about and the angle on which I tend to focus. I'm not as in to exchanging less emotion-ridden factual information the way a lot of autistics do, though I can monologue about my special interests and foci if given the opportunity. I have an intense interest in people and relationships and spend a lot of time thinking about them. I also think a lot about my own self and trying to understand myself, which is more introverted. My special interests like fairy tales and archetypes I try to apply to myself and relationships. I think it will be good for me once Michael lives here all the time.

From: http://www.tenthousandquestions.com/
Wrong, wrong, wrong
What is something about you that is often misunderstood or hard to grasp, or something that people mistakenly assume about you?

People often have a hard time understanding I can be really nice a lot of the time (and mean it completely) and at other times get scarily angry and sometimes verbally abusive. I wish I didn't have such a bad temper -- at least it doesn't always come out easily. I usually have more of an anger problem when my bipolar is not well controlled, though when I'm depressed I internalize a lot of my anger. I generally like people very easily and want to make them happy, which makes it easy to appear nice or friendly. Sometimes I seem shy and quiet, but I think relatively polite. My anger can come out at people I know or strangers whom I feel are being unjust or rude in some way. I can make frightening faces when I'm angry, but I think they're similar to the faces I make when terrified, so sometimes people get confused. Even when I don't raise my voice or make threats I've been told I can be "scary." Maybe part of the scariness is the contrast with my normal demeanor. I want to become a calmer and more laidback person. I hate feeling angry and I hate feeling out of control. I wish I had better control over my emotions, in general...

From time to time I am still having negative feelings or judgments, but I am getting better at noticing those thoughts/feelings and reasoning with myself why I shouldn't act on them and how those thoughts/feelings will pass. They always do pass. I go back to feeling happy with my life and the people I know. I don't want to ruin a relationship to spout vitriol which temporarily relieves me. Just reminding myself those negative thoughts and feelings will pass usually works, though a few times I have been caught off-guard and have been unkind back. I get so afraid of being walked all over again. I need to continue working on expressing myself and how something affects me while still being respectful and kind, even if the other person isn't respectful or kind back. I'm still too sensitive about what others' impressions of me might be. Criticism and accusations still give me panic attacks. If someone said something awful about me I'd probably take them too seriously instead of assuming the person saying such negative things probably has a problem they are taking out on me.

Sometimes I still feel powerless, but knowing I can change my perspective of myself and the world and taking steps to live a different lifestyle makes me feel more in-charge of my life and happiness. And my medication helps, too, so the anxiety and bipolar don't rule my life so much and I can make wiser decisions and don't feel bad for no reason. I still have to work on my worrying or focusing on the past or future instead of on the present. I am getting better about worrying about the future, though, and keeping my thoughts more on the present or near-present. The past I'm starting to see as an unfolding story that led me to wear I am now, which is overall a pretty good place, so even the bad things that happened seem purposeful and less destructive. It was a state of great pain and wishing to die that made me want to turn around my communications and focus. Hopefully those incidents in March that made me so desperate and depressed won't repeat themselves. I may feel very negative feelings and have very negative thoughts again at some point, especially due to being bipolar, but hopefully I've learned how to better handle those situations when they arise.