Journey through Faerieland

Well I have decided what I am going to paint, partly thanks to my friend Maria. I'm going to paint bicyclists on a nature path. I did a pastel drawings of bicyclists in high school and won a cash prize for it. It will be a challenge with acrylic paints, but hopefully I can pull it off:-)

I started reading a fascinating book called Cloaked by the author of Beastly, Alex Flinn. I will read more of that tonight.

I've been spending a lot of time on Personality Cafe and PM'ing with one member about literature. She's the same super mature and intelligent 19 year old I mentioned before. I am inspired to read biographies on Emily Dickinson now. I've always related to her and adored her poetry and I'd like to see more about her. My mother used to compare me to Andy Warhol when teachers would complain about how difficult and sensitive I was, though upon reading biographies on him I don't really relate to him. I'm weird, yes, but a different kind of weird. Probably more of an Emily Dickinson weird;-)

I've also been editing more of my poems, some on my recovery from anorexia. Some are rather dark, but I like a lot of them, even in retrospect. They are very honest.

I became a little depressed tonight, but it's under control. I took extra Neurontin (not too much). It's helping. I think I'm still just a little ashamed and on-edge. I have this weird thing where I don't need everyone to like me, but I don't deal well when people think I'm a bad or mean person.:( It seems a lot more personal if someone thinks you're a bad person...

I really do feel better after I exercise! I have been exercising lately when I get a bit anxious and it really helps. Also I dislike my body less when I exercise. It's easier than it used to be for me to focus on getting more toned instead of worrying about losing more weight. I'd like to get back to my "ideal weight" assigned to me by my doctors, but being in better shape is what I'm trying to concentrate on. I can never decide if weighing myself does more harm or more good. My inability to feel fullness while on Zyprexa makes it really hard for me to know if I'm eating too much and my body dysmorphia makes it hard for me to notice if I've gained or lost weight. I'd rather catch that I've gained a few lbs before I gain as much as I did October-November. For right now I'm not weighing myself, though. I'm too scared. I'm going to try to just keep eating healthier foods and a lot of protein.

My nausea from Zoloft was bad this morning. I actually dreamed about the nausea I was feeling. I took a Zofran and it probably helped. Still, a few hours later I started feeling really sick during The 30 Day Shred. So I'm going to try to workout later in the day when my stomach is doing better. I also will paint soon.

This is what I want to accomplish today:
-Complete my 30 minute workout
-Work on my painting
-Edit at least 10 poems
-Email friends
-Go to the grocery store (need produce, eggs, and possibly yogurt, as well as water for the cats)
-Clean the litterboxes
-Refill my humidifier
-Watch Kobato with Michael
-Clean the bathroom

My facial cost more than I expected (I guess my price last time was only for first-time visitors) and I was talked into buying toner for sensitive skin. I hope the toner helps... I have very dry skin with big red patches near my nose. The facial felt good, at least. I might invest in a more expensive moisturizer for dry skin to use at night, while using my regular spf 30 Eucerin in the morning. I also have stupidly been using an exfoliating scrub every night and that's probably irritating my skin. While my skin is like this I will try to stick to just Cetaphil (a very mild cleanser).

I don't feel too bad about all that because I owed less on my credit card than I expected. I also bought an expensive book on amazon (used). It's like the female version of "The Hero's Journey" with lots of discussion of fairy tales. I have some books I should probably start reading tonight... I have been so lazy lately.

Also I'm bloated again today, though not as badly as yesterday. I'm thinking Zoloft is the culprit because I wasn't having any bloating issues before I started it. So I'm going to start taking Zoloft at night instead of in the morning to see if I can sleep through the bloating. Of course, that didn't work with my old birth control pills, but it's worth a try.

Today went well, overall. I had trouble waking up and getting up this morning, which made me nauseated. I wore a nice pink dress today that I assumed was too small for me since I used to wear it when I was underweight, but it still fits. Michael and I exchanged Easter baskets (we gave each other much candy and I gave him a book, which made him decide to buy me a book). Then we went to church and were almost late. It was a really nice service about caring for the earth and caring for other people. Two Michael Jackson songs were done and there were children's drawings of love and earth from the projector. The children's choir sang. There was an excerpt from The Velvetine Rabbit (which we are also using in our commitment ceremony). I returned the book I borrowed and borrowed a dvd of the service I missed in March on Transcendentalism and Buddhism.

Then we ate lunch at my mother's house. She cooked a lot. Michael and Tommy (my brother) played a Mario Bros. game in the living room. I didn't try playing because the newer Mario games are too hard for me:( Then later this evening Michael and I watched Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind. It just ended.

I did have a bit of an anger problem/panic attack at Walmart, but took a Klonopin to control it. Maybe I should have waited longer before taking medication, but I didn't feel like I could restrain myself from lashing out. I'm calm now and will probably go to sleep soon.

I just took my second dose of Ritalin LA. I have a lot left for this month, so I figured it was okay. It really does help my anxiety and mood... I should be happy, though, and usually I am now. Sometimes I even think I'm happier than average. I still self-monitor a lot -- constantly looking for any sign of anxiety or depression or fear. Then if I do notice it I start panicking:-/ Just too many years of too many bad emotions... Life is better now. I have to remember that. Also my pap smear test results came back normal so not another one of those horrible exams for two years! Yay!

I think I'm kind of the opposite of a nihilist. I think there is meaning in everything. When people ask questions like "What is the meaning of life?" I get very confused. It's not like I know a deeper truth than them -- I don't know an objective "meaning of life" on this earthly existence that stands true for everyone. I do think all of our existences have some kind of deeper purpose, but I don't know what it is, and I don't think one has to know that to have meaning and purpose in their life. Perhaps like in existentialism we have to create meaning in our lives. I would still count that as important. I do not just think we're useless, tiny dots existing for a moment in history, of no real value. I believe all things in the universe are sacred and divine. There's nothing wrong with being a little focused on yourself and understanding yourself and your life -- we're all sacred and valuable! Ants are just as important as humans who are just as important as any higher-up spirits or organisms that may exist/will exist. I am more hedonistic than I used to be -- I think we should all enjoy life to the fullest. Life is meant to be enjoyed and cherished. For me the ultimate meaning of life is to experience love and to love as much as possible. That is my main goal, as well as somehow making the world a better place in some small way. As Emily Dickinson said, "If I can save one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain." My views on ethics and spirituality are constantly evolving, but the core of who I am remains the same and probably so will my belief that love is of utmost value.

I have met so many creatures (including humans) that are so inspiring and great in some way or another -- I am learning so much. I am inspired always. Hopefully my self-criticism will die away and I will focus only on how I can improve instead of thinking of the ways in which I fail compared to other people. I've had great opportunities in life, too, and I have many wonderful people to turn to. Some of my past is hard to overcome, but I will keep trying.

Well I don't think I'm hypomanic. I'm pretty sure it was just happiness + anxiety. I was really stressed today and I wrote out my list of presents to buy for birthdays and Christmas, with links, price listings, and the month I intend to buy the gift. That organization helped a little. Michael arrived and also helped clean up the house, which is nice. I'm reading a book now called Click: The Magic of Instant Connections and I like it, though I keep thinking about my "instant clicking" relationships that turned out really bad:-/ I have to focus on my good relationships... I wrote a poem about stress and I'm going to paint a little bit tonight. Painting relaxes me. I have been taking Klonopin again, but not every day, and still less than I am prescribed. Hopefully I will keep getting better about my anxiety and obsessions. I think I am on the right track. I've also been a bit overloaded today, and Michael went to the grocery store to leave me alone for a little bit. I also turned off the music. I already feel calmer.

Today I wasted too much time online, then went to the mall to buy a skirt from Aeropostale that was on sale. I didn't buy it yesterday because I was on Klonopin and that makes me think it's a good idea to buy everything, so I bought nothing to be cautious. In all honesty I shouldn't be buying anything since I have my eye dilation and psychiatrist appointment next week, but the skirt only cost $15 and I don't have a summer skirt that is shorter (just a longer one that I can't even find).

I feel guilty because I didn't do two things my mother asked before I left home: 1. Turning off the air-conditioning (she just turned it up to 80 -- not off altogether) and 2. Putting the bag of salt in the water-softener. And my mother hurt her back today! I feel bad for her.

While at the stores today I started having a full-blown panic attack, I think triggered just by autistic overload. I took a Klonopin at Walmart. Too many people and too much chaos. Check out at stores is torture to me. Then Michael bought me two miniature pizzas. One I ate for lunch/dinner and one I'm saving for tomorrow. He's so nice to me! Next time I will buy him pizza.

Amber and I are finally talking on msn! I'm not sure what the problem was, but we had problem getting each other to show up on our Windows Live/msn screens. We got it working and we're chatting now. Hopefully we will use the microphones soon.

Aside from panicking, my day is going pretty well, overall. I'm going to start reading soon. And I need to find that Xena episode where Gabrielle is a concubine or something and does an alluring dance and Xena is in some kind dungeon there... I simply can't figure out which episode it is and I want to watch it:-/

From: http://www.tenthousandquestions.com/2010_03_01_archive.html
Think different
If you could upgrade your own brain like a computer, which would be a bigger help: more memory, or a faster thought processor? If you could add one premium package of software to gain a special skill, what might that software be called?

Since I often get racing thoughts I'm not sure if having a faster thought processor would be good... Though maybe I'd be able to drive if I could react quickly and I'd be able to confront people about things more immediately instead of letting a lot of time passing sometimes when someone is inappropriate. On the other hand, sometimes I jump and get really upset instead of thinking things through first. I used to have a great memory, but it's gone now (I think because of Zyprexa). So I will say more memory would be good so I wouldn't need to keep rechecking things and would remember the books I read and so on.

For a special skill I'd like to offset my sensitivity with a barrier that makes my moods and feelings not so easily influenced by the feelings and opinions of others. I would just happily ignore people who were unkind or rude. I could take the constructive criticism while not being upset by the insults or rudeness. I sometimes get a lot of anxiety over reading emails or talking with someone who is a bit judgmental or blunt. Though sometimes I'm blunt, so I don't get mad about people being blunt.

LiveJournal is acting up for me, but so is the whole internet. It just seems now everything but LiveJournal is working again. I hope to finish reading Wizard and Glass today (I've just been reading about 100 pages a day of Stephen King's books). Michael and I will do the typical daily things we do, but I don't know if there's also something else we will do. If it's not too cold I'd like to go bike riding. I also intend to do more stretching, like last night. I don't really feel more flexible yet, but hopefully that will come. I wish my anxiety would stay away. Even when things are going well I feel anxious; I think this is because I've spent years being very anxious over select people and it's very difficult to let that pattern go. I feel a lot more kind and accepting when my anxiety is under control. It actually takes a whole lot for me to dislike a person usually (though usually when I dislike a person I seethe in anger...). I feel so much calmer and able to think clearly when my anxiety is controlled by my medications. Ideally I'd like to be able to cope with anxiety on my own, but it's still too severe and I need my life to feel more stabilized.