Journey through Faerieland

Today was a better day than yesterday, at least. Michael missed his teaching at church and we both slept in. Cory was unable to come over, which was fine. Michael and I went to the free gem and mineral show at the Dupage Fairgrounds in Wheaton. Michael bought 3 carved stone animals -- a bear, a rabbit, and a cat. I bought a gorilla for Cory. I also bought an aventurine for myself, since they should bring good luck, and green moss agate earrings for Izzy. While I was flipping through the pendants on index cards, the first one I stopped at was labradorite -- the bracelet I'd been hoping to buy next month, probably as my last bracelet for awhile. Then I recently had been backing out of it, due to expenses as of late, but now I am more sure I should buy it if I can. Labradorite helps with intuition, seeing past illusions, and is associated with the brain (close to the pituitary gland -- where I'm having problems). Even if it doesn't help on a physical level, it's symbolic.

Then we went to the pet shop for cat food and we went to Aldi for human food. I skipped my shower tonight because my stomach is really bothering me. I keep trying to find information about hyperprolactanaemia, but most of the information is on Trying To Conceive messageboards. I want a board for people that is I Hope The Treatment Makes Me Infertile and Sterile. Also I want to get tested for Hashimoto's and mosaic Turner's Syndrome. I know I was just tested Saturday for Cushing's Syndrome. My endocrinologist seemed to assume I had Hashimoto's because it causes most hypothyroidism, but this pituitary stuff can cause it, too. A friend with Turner's Syndrome thinks I sound like mosaic Turner's and I can relate to a lot I've read on it. Endocrinologists often test it/diagnose it, I guess. So eventually I'd like to see about that.

Tomorrow I'm calling the endocrinologist's office to see if I need a sooner MRI appointment than April 6th because she said "as soon as possible" and that is not very soon. I also have to call my psychiatrist, part of the same hospital and who recommended this endocrinologist, and tell him what's going on.

I found out something interesting when my mother was visiting -- apparently I started drawing (not just scribbling, but focusing for long periods of time and drawing) at 15 months old. I am guessing that is an "autistic thing." A lot of autistics start doing things early/late. Art is one of my biggest talents. Great news is that my mother's boyfriend may be able to have me sponsored through his rotary club to take art classes at the Dupage Art League! That would add more structure to my life and I could improve my art. I also could enter their art shows again. I feel like, knowing I was basically doing art before I was speaking, that I am meant to do art. That is what I was doing when I didn't fear judgment, when I didn't worry about messing up or not living up to someone's standards. Art is my calling.

My brother and I were talking yesterday and we talked about bullying. It started as a conversation of how many kids now get bullied online and it seems like more children commit suicide due to bullying than they did when we were little (though that might be untrue). I talked about how I was bullied and it didn't really bother me. If it had been physical, it would have been a different issue, but it was just verbal and kids following me around chanting mean things, etc. In second grade this one girl hated me and started the "We Hate Bridgett Club" which all the girls in our class were in. It just confused me. I got out of class every day to help with the Kindergarten gym class (an attempt to improve my socialization skills) and I was allowed to bring a friend. The girl who hated me would want to get out of class so she'd ask to go with me and I would say yes. Considering how mean she was to me, I should have said no. However, I still trusted her and did not mind her as a person. Meanness and bullying was beyond my comprehension. Even in high school I was just baffled by it. My brother said I "let the enemy into the foxhole" which apparently is a saying he just made up, which I didn't realize. He seems to feel I like everyone, even when I have no reason to, and that I trust people I obviously shouldn't. I guess that's true... The only person I truly dislike is the sociopathic mother of an ex-boyfriend. She is the closest to "evil" I have ever seen. But a lot of the time now I just feel bad for her, because she can't be happy.

Crying when I forgot to do a homework assignment, having a tough teacher, being in the fourth grade play as a snowflake, throwing up during class, a favorite friend of mine moving to Canada.

( 365 Day Meme )

In second grade I remember taking gymnastics, playing with a lot of the same friends as in first grade, playing more video games, and watching lots of cartoons, including Tiny Toons.

( 365 Day Meme )

Probably 5th grade. I finally was ready for elementary school and getting used to how things were run. I did well in class and had friends. I wasn't bullied and was generally accepted for being weird (I was in a weird hippie phase back then). I really liked my teacher, too. This was also a little before my father went totally crazy. And before puberty, which I hated and which really upset me (puberty for me was like 12/13-16).

( 365 Day Meme )

I'd probably be disappointed that I never finished school (I don't even have a GED -- I was eventually homeschooled/tutored and was accepted into colleges more based on my SAT/ACT scores). I never got a job, let alone a good or interesting one. I developed mental illness that caused me a lot of pain. Things would never be fixed with my father. There would be financial difficulties. But there would be good things, too... I just think more subtle things, so my initial reaction to my current life would likely be disappointment.

( 365 Day Meme )

230: what is your favorite memory from before the school age.

Age 2 and a few months, at my father's best friend's house for a party for his daughter's fifth birthday party. There were fireflies and country music playing from the garage. It was night and most people had left. I was standing in the driveway. I felt happy and at peace.

( 365 Day Meme )

It may sound strange, since I disowned him at age 13 and have PTSD because of him, but I miss my father. I have been coming across things online that I think he would find funny. He laughed a lot. And I miss the good memories with him, such as at Disney World. He was very charming and could be a lot of fun. I know he was in a lot of pain and probably had PTSD himself. He always said that "intelligence" and things like IQ's didn't matter (he scored very high at age 10 after learning to read at age 9 and everyone thought he was mentally retarded until that test). What mattered was working hard and doing your best. He said looks didn't matter and that cheerleading was silly (my aunt was a former cheerleader and thought I should become one). He thought modeling was also stupid and turned down being a model when he was a teenager. I have been asked to model a couple times for professional photographers, but I turned them down, which I'm sure would have made my father happy.

My father studied architecture in college, which I was also interested in as a child, though he dropped out of school. He was good at handling pressure and financial problems -- my mother gets too anxious and that makes me anxious. I know, realistically, my family is in a better financial position than probably the average person in the US right now, but finances are still so stressful. My father handled all the finances when he was alive. I don't think he was a bad person... just mentally ill. That doesn't excuse his behaviors, but it does show he wasn't an evil person at heart.

The girl leading the UU Young Adult Group said at the group that her father died 11 years ago -- my father died 10 1/2 years ago. She graduated high school a year after me, so she was probably around my brother's age when our father died when her father died. I kind of wanted to share that with her, but I didn't want to sound presumptuous or take away from her loss. Because I disowned my father years before he died and wasn't on good terms with him I sometimes think I was luckier than people whose parent died whom they were on good terms with. On the other hand, I feel I lost my father quite early and he was more of a ghost in my final years, so maybe my loss is as meaningful -- just different.

I miss the wonderful cartoons and children's programs I used to watch as a child. I feel most programs today can't compare (but I'm biased). I watched a lot of television as a child and I think it actually inspired my imagination. I'm glad some of these programs are out on dvd, but some aren't (like The Elephant Show, Dumbo's Circus, and Welcome to Pooh Corner). I really want to see Noozles again, too.

( 30 Day Meme )