Journey through Faerieland

I feel really fuzzy right now, like I had a seizure or might have a seizure, so bear with me. But I've felt like this for awhile, so it could be a false alarm. But the neurologist doesn't think I'm aware of a lot of my seizures, so who knows? I'm confusing myself. New topic.

We went to Oakbrook Mall. Michael was irritable some of the time, but I'm glad we went! I didn't realize they had some great stores there I would actually use! Maybe it's because I've grown up a bit and some of my tastes have changed? I try to use more environmentally sound products, cruetly-free, if at all possible. Some of the clothes I like are more mature. I spend more on products and am consciously trying to buy less plastic crap.

Anyways, I have been planning on buying Izzy and myself Bare Escentuals lipstick (two a piece) online -- but there was a boutique there! Unfortunately, it didn't have all the lipstick colors. And apparently they are changing the lipstick shades April 11th. I have to wait until April 3-4th to afford the lipstick. But I decided I want to buy the "old" lipstick because then it will gone for good, and we'd have plenty of time to buy the "new" lipstick if we wanted to. A color Izzy was interested in, but was sold out online, was in the boutique -- Berry Glace, so even though Izzy hadn't made her second decision (she had decided on her first -- Italian Ice) I bought it for her. On our way back out of the mall, Michael bought me a Bare Escentuals lipstick in Parfait. It's a little peachier than the color I was considering (Gelato - more straight nude pink, though Parfait is also a nude on me).

We went to Sephora and it was a full one, with the Jasmine line. I looked at the Urban Decay things. It was a bit squashed by the beauty chairs area, though, so I couldn't tell if they had palettes besides the Naked ones. I want to buy Michael's sister an Urban Decay palette for Christmas if I can afford it -- the Vice palette if it returns. I have it set to tell me by email if it returns online. I liked looking at all the different skin products and make up... But I'm broke, so I didn't buy anything.

There was a Soma there, and I love their underwear! It's so pretty and comfortable. I should buy my mother some from there sometime. I bought mine online and had to pay a lot in shipping. Now I know there is a brick and mortar store nearby.

There was a Disney store! All the Disney Stores seem to be closing...

There was an H&M! We don't have one at the mall we usually go to, but I love this store, and they don't sell online. I bought my mother her Mother's Day gift her -- a blue sweater for $10. They always have great pricee, plus now they are selling spring/summer clothes.

I tried to send something to the Glen Ellyn Post Office by Newton Park and they gave me trouble, like they always do. It left me very agitated. I hate that post office and do not intend to use it for packages again. Today Michael mailed my package from the downtown Glen Ellyn Post Office without any problems. I've got a big package I'm putting together for Poland to send out mid-April and will probably use that post office. Michael had a good experience.

I'm still having anxiety and taking 2mg Klonopin everyday, but I'm trying to feel less guilty about that, because my endocrine conditions can cause severe depression and severe anxiety (as well as irritability and hostility). I figure once I'm treated I will start feeling better and not be so med-reliant. I have been obsessed with Cushing's Disease today. I'm pretty sure I have an early/mild case of it starting to progress pretty fast. My weight gain hasn't been in the usual places for me (thighs, for instance), but my belly, in a pregnancy-type fashion. It has cellulite over it. I can't fit into any pants -- including new ones I bought for weight gain -- so I'm going to just wear sweatpants, pajama pants, and elastic waist skirts for the time being. Everyone assures me when I'm treated my body will go back to normal.

My breasts are getting big, too, but that doesn't bother me as much:P I'm wearing one of my new (ebay) bras today, too and yet I'm now getting quadboob from this too(28DD, could use a 28E -- for some other companies I would need a 28F). Hahaha, yes, laugh those who knew me as a college freshman! 4'11" and an A-cup! Well, not really -- just wearing the wrong bra size, as most do (more like a 28C). Anyways, I am not fat, I do not think any of you reading this are fat -- it's just my fat deposits are going to my waist and boobs only because my body thinks it's having a baby very soon and needs to be lactating. I read yesterday, though, that people like myself wtih very high prolactin levels often *don't* lactate -- it's the low-highs that do. Which doesn't make sense to me, but whatever.

I might start getting the Cushings stretch marks soon, which I dread. You can always lose weight -- stretch marks are another issue all together. And my face may become rounder (that's another weird thing -- usually my face gets rounder as I gain weight -- my face is not the slightest bit rounder/chubbier from when I was 25lbs lighter; I'm 5'1", so that's saying a lot). I've been playing with make up a lot and taking lots of face pictures and posting my favorites to Facebook. It sounds vain, but that's one of the few areas of my body that still feels "normal." And that I still feel I can make pretty. It reassures me that this weight gain is not normal because, if it were, my face would look chubbier.

I'm very anxious about the fact it takes many tests to diagnose Cushing's, and then more tests to figure out where the tumor causing it is located (and then you usually do surgery and you have to find a good surgeon... Luckily I live in the Chicago area, so I'm sure there would be an appropriate surgeon not too far). Usually Cushings is caused by a pituitary tumor. I *also* most likely have *another* pituitary tumor -- a prolactinoma releasing way too much prolactin (hence the boobs and the belly and the associated emotional pseudo-pregnant bullshit). That would be treated with strong meds to shrink the tumor and lower my prolactin levels. Two tumors. Two conditions. Two treatments. Two hormones (Cushings is too much cortisol being released from the tumor). A lot of overlapping symptoms -- including osteoporosis -- I want a bone scan asap, because my joints and back and hips hurt a lot the past few months. I will call the endocrinologist about that on Monday, and if she doesn't do anything, call my general practitioner (who works very close by) and ask for a bone scan. I also should go to her office and have my records transferred to her so she knows what's going on. Maybe I will even make an appointment with her. She works Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. My endocrinologist is also part-time. My psychiatrist is the one who has my testosterone results, but I think my endocrinologist got them from him, and those were the most important ones. It's just having two possible conditions at once, with pituitary tumors involved, is overloading and confusing. Though I like that they could explain most of the problems I've gained over the past decade.

On a happier note, Michael went out with Dan and brought me back a large-ish vinyl figurine of Fluttershy from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Though I do have too much random "junk" as it is@_@

Today was a better day than yesterday, at least. Michael missed his teaching at church and we both slept in. Cory was unable to come over, which was fine. Michael and I went to the free gem and mineral show at the Dupage Fairgrounds in Wheaton. Michael bought 3 carved stone animals -- a bear, a rabbit, and a cat. I bought a gorilla for Cory. I also bought an aventurine for myself, since they should bring good luck, and green moss agate earrings for Izzy. While I was flipping through the pendants on index cards, the first one I stopped at was labradorite -- the bracelet I'd been hoping to buy next month, probably as my last bracelet for awhile. Then I recently had been backing out of it, due to expenses as of late, but now I am more sure I should buy it if I can. Labradorite helps with intuition, seeing past illusions, and is associated with the brain (close to the pituitary gland -- where I'm having problems). Even if it doesn't help on a physical level, it's symbolic.

Then we went to the pet shop for cat food and we went to Aldi for human food. I skipped my shower tonight because my stomach is really bothering me. I keep trying to find information about hyperprolactanaemia, but most of the information is on Trying To Conceive messageboards. I want a board for people that is I Hope The Treatment Makes Me Infertile and Sterile. Also I want to get tested for Hashimoto's and mosaic Turner's Syndrome. I know I was just tested Saturday for Cushing's Syndrome. My endocrinologist seemed to assume I had Hashimoto's because it causes most hypothyroidism, but this pituitary stuff can cause it, too. A friend with Turner's Syndrome thinks I sound like mosaic Turner's and I can relate to a lot I've read on it. Endocrinologists often test it/diagnose it, I guess. So eventually I'd like to see about that.

Tomorrow I'm calling the endocrinologist's office to see if I need a sooner MRI appointment than April 6th because she said "as soon as possible" and that is not very soon. I also have to call my psychiatrist, part of the same hospital and who recommended this endocrinologist, and tell him what's going on.

Actually my strongest intelligence is visual, then verbal/linguistic, then spatial (or spatial even lower than 3rd):P I have some spatial difficulties, yet I'm strong visually, so the score for that is kind of misleading.

From: http://www.tenthousandquestions.com/2010_03_01_archive.html
Think different
If you could upgrade your own brain like a computer, which would be a bigger help: more memory, or a faster thought processor? If you could add one premium package of software to gain a special skill, what might that software be called?

Since I often get racing thoughts I'm not sure if having a faster thought processor would be good... Though maybe I'd be able to drive if I could react quickly and I'd be able to confront people about things more immediately instead of letting a lot of time passing sometimes when someone is inappropriate. On the other hand, sometimes I jump and get really upset instead of thinking things through first. I used to have a great memory, but it's gone now (I think because of Zyprexa). So I will say more memory would be good so I wouldn't need to keep rechecking things and would remember the books I read and so on.

For a special skill I'd like to offset my sensitivity with a barrier that makes my moods and feelings not so easily influenced by the feelings and opinions of others. I would just happily ignore people who were unkind or rude. I could take the constructive criticism while not being upset by the insults or rudeness. I sometimes get a lot of anxiety over reading emails or talking with someone who is a bit judgmental or blunt. Though sometimes I'm blunt, so I don't get mad about people being blunt.

Today my mother thought I'd become (hypo)manic again because I seemed very excited and happy for no apparent reason. I'd probably still be manic if I hadn't gone back on Zyprexa and just like when I was depressed it wasn't completely controlled by medication (at all), the mania is probably the same way and some of it probably seeps through. Sometimes I have really sudden ecstatic times where I feel one with the universe and I'm completely overwhelmed with joy but some of those times might be seizures. I have lots of blank out spells or times where I don't remember doing things that are also thought to possibly be seizures (one time leading me nearly to run my mother over with a car in the middle of the night, feeling numb, which is when I stopped being allowed to drive). All my life, though, I've been intensely emotional and often I've been unusually happy. Even when I had bad things going on in my life like horrible school and family experiences, the sensory experience of my surroundings and my inner life could lead me to be extremely happy. When I received the Sailor Moon cd in the mail that I ordered when I was 15 (I was obsessed with Sailor Moon) I just went nuts. Rocking and crying and gasping for air, unable to breathe I was so overwhelmed. I played the same song on repeat. I still do that and music sometimes gives me that response again by playing it over and over. Today I've listened to television show theme songs over and over and that is part of what lifted my mood so much. The two songs are the theme song to Blossom and the theme song to Brotherly Love, both starring Joey Lawrence. I also love the old television show Gimme a Break! which he was also in (and I like that theme song too!) I hope my good mood lasts.