Journey through Faerieland

I finally read through all the archives of the positivity blog I've been reading. I love the quotes and some of the posts, though a lot of posts were repetitive. I never really thought before about being able to change my thoughts and feelings. I'd heard of being an observer of your thoughts and feelings, but I didn't really understand it so I didn't try to apply it. I'm trying not to judge my emotions and thoughts, but to let the unpleasant ones just exist and float by instead of clinging to them. I get stuck in negative thought loops too easily, but I've been doing better. I may still be bipolar and need medication, but I can still work on savoring things in life and being a happier person. I also definitely want to worry less, since that gets in the way of being truly happy and it isn't useful. I'm trying not to dwell on the past, but sometimes to remember good memories to inspire me. I want to be a positive person even in difficult situations. I used to be very optimistic (and still am) when I'm hypomanic, but I want to feel that way normally and have that kind of perspective most of the time. I know I do mess up on this still, but progress takes awhile.

Some positive thoughts:
1. I had one of my earlier novels read by a literary agent and got useful feedback, even though they decided not to represent me. I can have this happen again with time and hard work.
2. I used to win art contests all the time. If I keep practicing my painting and drawing eventually I will win a merit award at one of the local art league's art shows.
3. I have very good memories with Amber, at Cornell and in Alaska, and we can have good memories like that made in the future if I'm patient and treat her with love and kindness since she still wants to be friends.
4. Even though Tim and I got off to a bad start, we've put judgments aside and are friends now. I used to view Izzy as "the enemy" and even recently was quite rude to her, but we're talking friendly to each other again. People I might perceive as my enemies or I judged in the past might be my friends in the future, or at least tolerable acquaintances.
5. I've met Maria and Mireia through Michael and some great people on LiveJournal, all of whom I consider friends, so there will always be more people out there that I can form relationships with even if other friends grow more distant. I've also grown closer to April and both of us have learned a lot over the years of our friendship and are better friends and people because of it.
6. I have issues with my appearance, but overall I much prefer my appearance to how I looked in middle school and high school, so I should like how I look and not pick on myself so much. How I look is fine and most people don't really care.
7. I've learned so much over the years, some things I didn't think I could learn, so I will probably continue learning a lot in the future -- including a lot of practical and self-sufficiency tools.
8. When I look back on my past overall I see many positive, happy-making things, despite my depressions and worrying and disappointments, so I should enjoy all the moments I have now so I enjoy the present as much or more than I did the past. I won't take happy things for granted anymore.
9. I really wanted to be in a caring, intense, devoted relationship with Him, but now I have that with Michael whom always loves and respects me and we provide each other with many wonderful things and feelings. Things turned out for the best, even though I was traumatized with him. It will get easier with the passage of time.

When I woke up this morning I felt sick to my stomach again because I had to get up before my body was ready. However, I had no anxiety when getting up. I was too tired for obsessive thinking. I have to learn ways to just let go of my negative ruminations in the morning. I should try and keep my mind occupied right away and try to just let the negative thoughts/feelings float on past me instead of thinking they are facts. I'm also going to keep working on my exercise and try to focus on what's around me and what I feel within me so I stay more in the present instead of obsessing over bad things in the past or worrying about the future. I don't think I'm ready for "still" meditation (though visualizations when I'm calm are okay), but trying to be mindful when exercising/moving is more possible for me. I'm also going to try to focus on how I can change things to make myself happier and more content instead of asking why bad things happen/happened. I will try to learn from everything I can. I'll probably always be sensitive and pretty easily hurt, but I want to get to the point where I can observe my thoughts and feelings without letting them control my actions. I want to just let go of negative things instead of dwelling on them.

Today I visited April and we walked to the comic book store (at least I got some exercise in!) and we watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer. They were actually episodes I was familiar with. I should watch more of the series someday. It was also fun just talking to April. It's nice to get out of the house and I usually feel better in the presence of other people. I've got her interested in The Happiness Project, too, now:-) I hope the book comes into the library before Michael comes over to my house. I got my dates confused and Michael is coming here on Friday and then the following Saturday is when we go to the zoo and then his house. That's fine, as long as I have his company! I'm not good by myself. I also ruminate way too much which can worsen my mood or make me focus on unpleasant things or even concoct long streams of vitriol I want to say to someone whom I feel has been cruel or selfish. I'm working on all of that. I'm going to try to be less critical of myself and of other people. I will try going through the motions and acting happy-ish to see if that can turn my mood around when I'm feeling rather negative. I'm going to keep making short-term goals for myself that lead to longer term goals. I'm feeling pretty hopeful and good today.

I have a tendency to obsess and/or perseverate on people. It's thought I may have OCD partly because of my intense, negative obsession on certain people and certain social encounters. I do have other OCD tendencies, though. For awhile I doubted I had autism/Asperger's because I was so intensely focused on people, but it really started in college (though I had some long-term obsessions over individuals prior to that, I didn't really focus on my social situation as a whole or get really "into" friends in a normal way). I wanted to make friends and make people feel good just by being a nice person. I generally like people, so this wasn't an arduous task -- it just meant focusing in more on each person's situation, buying more gifts, offering help whenever possible, trying to always be emotionally supportive, etc. I figured I had a lot of emotional reciprocity, but in reality a lot of the people I hyperfocused on weren't as focused on me, so it wasn't so reciprocal. Sometimes this bothered me and sometimes it didn't. I was really focused on being as giving and kind as possible in college and my goal wasn't to make everyone like me so much as to be a good person. Though I loved it when people seemed to really like me. And I was heartbroken when people I'd been close to seemed to distance themselves from me. That still is really hard for me to cope with. I get very attached to people and the attachment only really disappears if the person was quite abusive and made me feel bad.

I regret the people I've hurt -- because despite my usually good intentions, sometimes I can be extremely verbally cruel. Usually it's always some verbal lashing out. Not rumors or cruelty in other manners, but verbal cruelty can do a lot of damage. I know it does to me. I am sorry to the people I blew off, thinking I didn't really do much wrong, because I was hyperfocused on helping/gaining the attention of another person at the time. I've been mean to a lot of friends at some time or another -- sometimes when I was focusing on another person and sometimes when I was focusing on them and became frustrated at things not going how I wanted. I'm so lucky I have such good friends that have, for the most part, forgiven me. I want to be less codependent and just be kind to people because I like doing so, without hoping for too much in return. I love close relationships so sometimes I hope for too much or ask for too much from someone. I need to develop more emotional independence. I think with that I would be kinder, too, because I wouldn't have those desperate emotions I sometimes get. I have April and Mireia and now even Maria (though Mireia and Maria are long-distance friends so I can't just get together with them or anything). Amber can't be close to me right now, but hopefully someday our relationship will return to normal. If it doesn't, I'm just going to have to find out a way to cope somehow. Though it is awfully painful to think of losing her after we spent years so close.

I suppose one quality I actually do like in myself is my lack of pretensions. I tend to mean exactly what I say, say things in whole so there are no misleading sentiments, and feeling like I know who I am and not having to prove anything to anyone. If I act like I like you, I like you, and if I don't like you, I ignore you or tell you why I don't like you. In college I still tried to like people who were inherently abusive and wouldn't stand up to them. I'd just feel bad for them. I still tend to feel bad when someone has problems, but I no longer put on a false smile to please them. I try to be very open about the kind of person I am and my strengths and weaknesses.

I've always had a problem where I think people can read my mind. I'm not psychotic -- I know people aren't literally reading my mind; however, I always intuitively fall into the pattern of acting and reacting like people know exactly what I feel and think. Over the years I've gotten better at talking/writing directly about my feelings and thoughts and personal patterns to hopefully make a connection with people and have meaningful communication.

I hate fighting and most other people do too. I do believe it is possible, like my workbooks and some books say, people always try their best and choose the behavior that they think will best help them survive and the behavior they think will help align their priorities. Many people I interact with have good intentions and just hit a sensitive area with me and I overreact. I assume they know me inside-out and know what they are doing or saying will upset me and why it will upset me. I expect everyone's line of reasoning will match my own, because my own tends to be pretty clear and unmuddled. I think I tend to understand myself fairly well, including my faults. There are other ways of experiencing life than the way I experience it and that's okay. People have different strengths and weaknesses. I have to do my job of listening to other people, giving them the benefit of the doubt and trying to talk things out in a nonaccusatory way. I have to admit that sometimes people might not have done something wrong, just something that makes me uncomfortable and hits a touchy area. It's stupid to be accusatory and devaluing of people who are obviously trying to help, just in ways that don't work with me. I have to let people be who they are and work out their own difficulties without jumping to conclusions that they are intentionally being cruel just because something doesn't go perfectly in our interaction.

This is a major reason why I usually prefer people to say that they don't know how to answer my questions (I can question obsessively when upset) or to say they're too confused to continue the conversation. I can understand that sometimes people might not understand because their brain doesn't work as mine. A neutral statement like the one I just described won't upset me as much as many other options and it will get me to back off as I know continued pressure will just confuse them further. Usually after the fight or confused conversation is over I feel guilty for saying negative things when the other person was probably trying hard to get along with me or even help me.

Today my mother thought I'd become (hypo)manic again because I seemed very excited and happy for no apparent reason. I'd probably still be manic if I hadn't gone back on Zyprexa and just like when I was depressed it wasn't completely controlled by medication (at all), the mania is probably the same way and some of it probably seeps through. Sometimes I have really sudden ecstatic times where I feel one with the universe and I'm completely overwhelmed with joy but some of those times might be seizures. I have lots of blank out spells or times where I don't remember doing things that are also thought to possibly be seizures (one time leading me nearly to run my mother over with a car in the middle of the night, feeling numb, which is when I stopped being allowed to drive). All my life, though, I've been intensely emotional and often I've been unusually happy. Even when I had bad things going on in my life like horrible school and family experiences, the sensory experience of my surroundings and my inner life could lead me to be extremely happy. When I received the Sailor Moon cd in the mail that I ordered when I was 15 (I was obsessed with Sailor Moon) I just went nuts. Rocking and crying and gasping for air, unable to breathe I was so overwhelmed. I played the same song on repeat. I still do that and music sometimes gives me that response again by playing it over and over. Today I've listened to television show theme songs over and over and that is part of what lifted my mood so much. The two songs are the theme song to Blossom and the theme song to Brotherly Love, both starring Joey Lawrence. I also love the old television show Gimme a Break! which he was also in (and I like that theme song too!) I hope my good mood lasts.

Well, I finished reading Fruits Basket last night, online. I loved the ending. I loved the whole series. Each character got a really indepth look into their psyche, which is fun and gives lots to think about. I think my favorite character is Momiji. He's just so sweet! I really admire Tohru and wish I were that strong and kind. She's kind of like a typical anime heroine in that she's sweet and always forgiving and conquers all with her love. I want to be like that and always aspired to be like that, but unfortunately I get too defensive and angry. I hate injustices and starting with my father could become very loud and mean when provoked. I just always feel that people won't listen to me and overcompensate. I suppose I'm more like Kagura, the boar. I'm very stubborn, including about my feelings toward people. I make my feelings well known usually and I can be verbally violent (though never physically violent) when provoked. I suppose I'd just go back to being depressed and walked all over if I tried too hard to imitate Tohru. She doesn't even get depressed by horrible things! I wish I were like that, though I realize it's unrealistic. I'm just not like her very much, though maybe over time I can cultivate some of her love and patience and looking for the best in people. When I look for the best in people (which I usually do), I often end up depressed or angry so so far it hasn't worked great for me... I was more like Tohru when I was 18, yet the depression eventually set in, like I've been saying...

But the series greatly cheered me up and i wish there were more of it:D It's really inspired me. I need to read more shoujo manga. And watch more shoujo anime. I will be watching Fruits Basket soon!

I've been reading today and wishing I could go back to bed. I'm working on an anxiety and depression workbook right now. In some ways my depression and anxiety is lifting and I'm taking klonopin less. I still feel bad for fights that happened with certain people, but hopefully we will all feel better soon and have learned something from events that took place. It's still my goal to be a kind and forgiving person, even if I often fail. I'm still learning. I am nervous about what the future holds, but I will try my best.

I recently saw the movie Mama Mia! and loved it. I love ABBA and I thought the lead girl was beautiful.

"Her memories of the interrogation and signed statements and testimony, or of her awe outside the courtroom from which her youth excluded her, would not trouble her so much in the years to come as her fragmented recollection of that late night and summer dawn. How guilt refined the methods of self-torture, threading the beads of detail into an eternal loop, a rosary to be fingered for a lifetime." (pg. 162, Atonement)

That's how guilt feels to me, too. I still feel guilty over what happened tutoring-related yesterday...

I wish I weren't so sensitive and obsessive. Those things bring me down so much from my natural happiness. When I'm not drowning in despair, I am unusual happy and excited about life. I'm not bipolar but I was misdiagnosed as such multiple times. I have some not so pleasant interpersonal stuff lingering, but there are great things too! The sun is out more and flowers are in bloom. I get along really well with my mother and have many friends, even if I don't get to see most of them too often. I'm reading the most enthralling books with characters I can actually relate to. I have forgiveness and I can give forgiveness. When I'm happy, I want everyone to be happy! There is no reason for me to waste these feelings, let them die in exchange for torment. I am going to write an uplifting poem today, most definitely.

I'm listening to the Coors' song "Breathless" on repeat, and that only helps my euphoric state:

"And if there's no tomorrow
And all we have is here and now
I'm happy just to have you
You're all the love I need somehow

It's like a dream
Although I'm not asleep
I never want to wake up
Don't lose it
Don't leave it"

How can someone feeling this not be happy? My cats keep me company when I'm alone, and I'm never truly alone, despite what I sometimes feel. This song encapsulates this moment for me. I also believe the lead singer (Andrea Corr?) is the same height as me ♥