There was something wrong with my computer at 6am this morning. I woke up to bad transportation dreams (mainly about a bus and rushing to get on it and save seats for my brother and mother, but then they didn't make the bus, then April popped up, etc.). I passed the living room and saw the black screen on my computer. I couldn't understand the meaning of what it said and no longer remember what it said. I tried restarting the computer and that didn't help. Then I realized it said "press F1" so I did that and Windows started. I hope it was just a fluke. My computer was just fixed. I really need to save the data on here but Michael has my big thumbdrive...
Apr. 29th, 2009
I'm having trouble concentrating. I think I finally copied all my poems! Now I just have to copy them all onto a thumb drive so I don't have to go through this process again. I'll save my pictures, too, and my other types of writing. I should really write another short story very soon. I have a list of ideas. Ideally I should write another novel soon, too, or at least get started on it. I like the idea for the one I worked on before, but it was too triggering and the material it reminded me of wasn't far in the past, and it's still not far enough in the past for me to work on it. So I will leave that story alone for now. And I have to figure out what kind of landscape I'm going to paint... I want it colorful as I do best with lots of color. The last one I did had a lot of shadow and I hate it.
Today my mother thought I'd become (hypo)manic again because I seemed very excited and happy for no apparent reason. I'd probably still be manic if I hadn't gone back on Zyprexa and just like when I was depressed it wasn't completely controlled by medication (at all), the mania is probably the same way and some of it probably seeps through. Sometimes I have really sudden ecstatic times where I feel one with the universe and I'm completely overwhelmed with joy but some of those times might be seizures. I have lots of blank out spells or times where I don't remember doing things that are also thought to possibly be seizures (one time leading me nearly to run my mother over with a car in the middle of the night, feeling numb, which is when I stopped being allowed to drive). All my life, though, I've been intensely emotional and often I've been unusually happy. Even when I had bad things going on in my life like horrible school and family experiences, the sensory experience of my surroundings and my inner life could lead me to be extremely happy. When I received the Sailor Moon cd in the mail that I ordered when I was 15 (I was obsessed with Sailor Moon) I just went nuts. Rocking and crying and gasping for air, unable to breathe I was so overwhelmed. I played the same song on repeat. I still do that and music sometimes gives me that response again by playing it over and over. Today I've listened to television show theme songs over and over and that is part of what lifted my mood so much. The two songs are the theme song to Blossom and the theme song to Brotherly Love, both starring Joey Lawrence. I also love the old television show Gimme a Break! which he was also in (and I like that theme song too!) I hope my good mood lasts.