Journey through Faerieland

Today Michael and I met with a woman from the church for our new membership interviews. Caribou Coffee was super crowded, which I didn't expect at 2pm on a Friday. We had to wait to find a parking spot, though we did get a table when we went inside. Michael's OCD was bothered by people there using their computers, but he stuck it out, which is good for him (challenging his OCD with exposure to his obsessions). The coffee made me really nauseated, unfortunately. I took a Zofran back in the car before we left.

The interview went well, I think, but it's always awkward for me to explain I never finished school and can't work or go to school. I do art and writing, but it's a lot harder to make money from those than a lot of people think. Some people do get lucky or get some connections through their college/university, etc. but I do not make money off my writing or art. The woman (Rose) suggested I try to write a memoir about my youth and bizarre family situation, but I've already proposed that to agents to no avail. I thought I had nothing to say about myself and I feel like I've done nothing with my life, but I kept thinking up things I had done (an internship with the Smithsonian, teaching English to Burmese refugees, etc.) and Rose seemed to think it was a lot. When Amber and I were still in college our art history professor told Amber it was amazing how much I had done for my age, which sounded weird to me then. Certainly the past few years I have been mostly introverted and focused on myself, so I feel even less accomplished now. Hopefully as my mental state improves I will start doing more and more again, though, but without overloading myself. Even volunteering my mother thinks I should wait on until I'm consistently feeling better. Also it would help if I could drive...

I think a lot of the obsessions I develop when I'm stressed and not doing well mentally may be related to my inferior extroverted sensing. My body image is worse and more obsessive, I develop disordered eating, I obsess about being clean, went through a period of obsessive teeth brushing, sometimes obsessively exercise, etc. I use extroverted sensing in a rather unhealthy and compulsive way to try and control my environment when I feel internally out of control. I just realized I could relate this to personality typing.

I took a Klonopin because I was feeling scared of cleaning the cat shelter tomorrow; I feel guilty. I feel like I should just learn to tolerate my anxiety and work through it. I am going to go help out tomorrow, no matter what my anxiety, and I will take another Klonopin if I have to, but I'm trying not to take it if I don't need it. I am not good at dealing with new situations or making mistakes and I don't know the process of cleaning the cat shelter very well. I don't know if I have social phobia so much as a big fear of making mistakes or getting in the way or letting people down. I don't worry about how people see me -- I just want to not get in the way. I keep trying to remind myself that tomorrow will be a good experience for me. I took some 24 hour allergy medication just now, in case it makes me tired. I keep reminding myself, also, that cleaning the shelter is very important for the cats and a very important task. I think the presence of the cats, especially the affectionate cats, might soothe me while I'm doing my tasks. If my allergies aren't too bad I will stay after a little bit to give the cats some attention (especially Bruiser).

Today I volunteered at the cat shelter again. I think I'm going to mainly help with socializing the cats and I was told each time I go someone who knows the place better will tell me a cat to socialize with who needs more help socializing with people and I will spend time with them. Today I spent time with a 2 year old male cat named Bruiser. He had a leg broken so badly they thought they were going to have to amputate it:( They didn't, though, and for now he lives in a (big) cage by himself. He gets lonely, I was told, which is understandable. I first pet him in his cage, which made him very happy, but then he crawled into my lap and I pet him for at least an hour. He was purring and very sweet. He eventually crawled back in his cage to eat and I spent time with some of the other cats. One of the cats is named Jigglypuff, which I find so funny. My allergies are bothering me a little now, unfortunately.

And when I came home one of my water tanks in the basement started gushing water, so now my water is turned off. My mother is calling the plumber and is going to try to have my tank replaced today. Michael was supposed to come here today, so I hope that everything goes as planned. I will work on my OCD and Bipolar workbooks in the meantime. I should also read my Unicorn Chronicles book...

One goal I'm going to start working on, starting today, is cutting back on sweets and eating at least one fruit and one vegetable a day. I've been mainly eating apples because they last long, aren't too expensive, and contain some fiber. Ever since starting to recover from anorexia I've had constipation problems and eating healthier and drinking more water might help that.

Today two books arrived that I ordered: The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin and The How of Happiness by Sonia Lyubomirsky. I'm starting with The Happiness Project since I've read the whole blog (I think). So far since even before I came across the blog and was just doing "Ten Thousand Questions" I had determined a new major goal of being a happier person, which will also come with the great effects of influencing others with more positive energy, getting more done, and having better relationships. My Bipolar is pretty under control now, and my anxiety is pretty controlled with my pills. I'm not deeply depressed, just a bit stuck on old things I need to let go.

Some things I've been reading really hit me, like the fact that if you aren't busy enough you can get into negative thought loops. I haven't been keeping busy enough. I've been slacking off on art and writing and intend to increase my productivity in those areas. I'm also going to keep up with the reading and maybe take more notes on what I read, since I can learn from anything or come up with inspired ideas -- both by reading fiction and non-fiction. I also intend to exercise (at least stretches and simple ballet and yoga) every day for a short while and ride my bicycle twice a week if possible. I've already switched over into always getting dressed and putting on make up everyday because I heard it's better for your mood to always do your morning routine and get ready, even if you're staying at home. So far I think it's helping me and encouraging me to be more active. I intend to volunteer at the no-kill cat shelter after I return from Michael's next week. I will probably miss this month's orientation, though:( But they said I could also be individually trained. I mainly want to work with the cats directly (a cat socializer) or introducing prospective adopters to the cats. I also wouldn't mind feeding, but I would rather only do clean up if they really needed me to do that (I worry more about washing floors than cleaning litter boxes).

I'm feeling better about Amber and Tim and all my friends in general. As time passes I'm also slowly getting over Him. I don't want to hate him, but I do hope he goes through struggles until he learns what he's been doing is wrong and makes an effort to change his ways and to apologize to those he abused. I might still talk to people or write about when people bother me, but I will try to sound neutral instead of blameful and name calling. My psychologist thinks He is a narcissist (and several friends I've talked to about Him agree) and narcissists are usually pretty unhappy people, hiding their deep-down insecurities. I'd rather be me than him.

Today at tutoring, the girl I tutor gave me an authentic Burmese shirt called a "Kur-aye" (no idea on the spelling). It's in red and I love red clothing:-)

( Pictures )

The girl I tutor sounded really upset about me not coming back, so I wrote down a message that hopefully she'll show to someone who knows English (some of her friends there do). I would be willing to keep tutoring if it's later in the day. I originally said I couldn't tutor mornings, anyway. I feel really guilty now.

I watched the movie Juno, which I really liked. I liked the music too. I'm still neglecting life through reading. I hope to paint more soon tonight. I'm just always tired now...

I keep having trouble getting ahold of the girl I tutor, which is bad and frustrating. I'm supposed to try again tomorrow. I feel so tired, though, like I need more sleep. Time is disappearing and I don't know where it's going. I have lists of things to do, all kinds of lists, but I'm caught up in the chaos right now. There are a lot of topics I want to post about, but I'm behind. Maybe tomorrow, earlier, I can do some of that. I think in some way my social life is improving. Which is good, and will hopefully pull me back into the time cycles of external reality. Now if only my creative workings would start catching up... And my housecleaning and food preparation.

Sunday I went to a stationery-making workshop with my friend April, and it was quite fun, though I was the worst of the group. I'm terrible at crafts! I was also the last one finished. I am sending them out to a few people. They're small card-like things, so not much room for writing. I am really getting interested in the idea of scrapbooking. I would like to turn some of my digital images into regular photographs, and I would like to learn how to make a big scrapbook. I would rather make one big one than a bunch of small ones, and just divide them up into little sections. My mother wants to scrapbook, too. April already does it a lot:-) I am not a crafty-person, but sometimes it can be fun.

I wish I had better control of myself... It's just so important to me (and everyone else) that I gain some amount of emotional neutrality. It is absolutely necessary. I'm just starting to come out of a daze.

( ESL Tutoring )

Well, this morning I finally met the girl I am going to be teaching English! I went again with the volunteer coordinator to the girl's home and, again, there was no answer. I had to go home, but right when I got home the volunteer coordinator called me back, saying she was with the girl. Apparently there was some kind of session going on teaching the new refugees and immigrants ways to lower their energy bills...? It sounded like, at least; I wasn't paying the closest amount of attention at that part. So I went back to the center, and found the volunteer coordinator who introduced me to the girl. There were a lot of people around (but sitting around the edges of the room, more, it wasn't difficult sensory-wise and the room was large). One person nearby was also from Burma, I believe, and able to translate for us. So I think this girl understands now I am supposed to be at her home at 10am next Monday for English lessons, and we are going to start out trying to do Mondays and Wednesdays. Though the schedule is flexible, we can meet whenever is most convenient for both of us. So I don't know how often our scheduled meetings will be on those days. As long as I help her for the amount of hours I am supposed to, there isn't an issue.

The girl (I don't want to give her name) is about the same size as me, and her hair is about the same length, too.

I've been a bit scattered (of course), but I did manage to finish an art project today. I don't want to talk about it much, because it's going to be a gift. But I will eventually post a picture of it, I'm sure:-) Thanksgiving was basically uneventful. Which in my family, tends to be a good thing... I have so many things to work on right now, and I'm going to try and get back to it in a minute.

Next Tuesday, I believe, I'm finally going to meet the person I'm supposed to be teaching English. Very fortunately, it's going to be a Burmese girl just slightly older than me, and she already has a job; she mainly wants help understanding practical basics of English so she can more easily understand what is being said to her at work. I say "fortunately" because this sounds like a potentially less awkward match and easier situation than a lot of other "possible situations" that were addressed in my tutor-training. We will see how it goes. If it really doesn't work out, I can volunteer in some other way or even be matched with someone else, but at this point I am pretty optimistic. The volunteer coordinator also keeps mistaking me for a Wheaton College student, though I said on my application, in my interview, etc. that I am not in school. The organization's location is in Wheaton not so far from the college, so they get a lot of student volunteers.

I'm also supposed to be taking in another cat soon, for a friend's family. My mother doesn't like the idea because she's sick of cats, but it will be my cat and I don't even live in the same house with her. So, oh well to her:P There was another potential stray cat living near my house, but I don't know if he was an actual stray or his owners just let him out (he looked pretty clean and well-groomed for a stray). I hope he has a home and he's now indoors. He wouldn't let me near him and he didn't eat the cat food I tried putting out for him.:-( I haven't seen him the past few days...