Journey through Faerieland

It seems like I got in to see an endocrinologist just in time. Just a couple months ago I could do an hour on the elliptical. Now cleaning the bathtub leaves me collapsed and hyperventilating on the floor for 10 minutes before making it back to bed. I'm so exhausted and sore and achey. I know lots of people (including here) have chronic illnesses... I will get used to this if I have to, I just am not used to it, and I seemed to get better from this summer by eating meat again and then the past few weeks I've had a downturn. If I stay like this I might call the doctor's office and tell them I've gotten worse, to see if we can move up the MRI.

I really do feel better after I exercise! I have been exercising lately when I get a bit anxious and it really helps. Also I dislike my body less when I exercise. It's easier than it used to be for me to focus on getting more toned instead of worrying about losing more weight. I'd like to get back to my "ideal weight" assigned to me by my doctors, but being in better shape is what I'm trying to concentrate on. I can never decide if weighing myself does more harm or more good. My inability to feel fullness while on Zyprexa makes it really hard for me to know if I'm eating too much and my body dysmorphia makes it hard for me to notice if I've gained or lost weight. I'd rather catch that I've gained a few lbs before I gain as much as I did October-November. For right now I'm not weighing myself, though. I'm too scared. I'm going to try to just keep eating healthier foods and a lot of protein.

Yoga went well. I didn't find it difficult, except for the "tree" pose, because I apparently lack balance. I will have to work on that. The positions requiring more flexibility, though, I did well on. It will probably be my last class:( I don't think I will have transportation next week unless I can convince my mother to drop me off and pick me up. The weather tonight was terrible. There was snow and rain and lightening and thunder. I couldn't see the roads. I was quite terrified on the trip home. We made it home safely, obviously. I just ate dinner and I'm having dark chocolate peanut butter cups. I forgot another book Michael gave me around Christmas time/my birthday, so I started reading that -- Song of the Magdalene. It reads quite fast and it's short. I'm tired now. I probably won't go to bed too late. My anxiety is gone now that I am home and things are okay.

Today started off difficult with me worrying about finances and feeling guilty. I'm less worried about money now. I think I can keep myself from spending foolishly and I have less expenses next month. I redid my budget and added in an extra $50 for unexpected expenses, which will help. I also bought supplements this month that will last me for several months. I'm going to save a bit each month for a passport.

I read a lot of today and played some Solitaire. I felt anxious (partly worrying April would back out). Tonight April and I went to our first yoga class at the Unitarian Universalist Church. April was having morning sickness, but I convinced her to go. Luckily, by then she had started feeling better. The class was pretty full, but not overwhelming. There were some beginners, like me, who had never taken the class, and it was a "gentle" class as the instructor said. Still, there were some postures that had more complicated elements you could add to them to make it more difficult. I was able to do all the poses and was probably the most flexible in the class. But some of the members were middle-aged or older women. For one position (a more complicated version people could do after getting in the starting pose) the woman next to me said "no one can do that," but I did and she commented to me about it ("You can do it! I just said nobody could do it!"). I felt very relaxed during the class and not at all anxious. My thoughts were slowed down and I felt good. I was actually able to meditate, too.

I'm reconsidering taking adult ballet and think I may focus on yoga instead. I love ballet and could still practice some of the exercises I used to do in ballet for warm up, etc. It's just that sometimes ballet made me anxious (as did gymnastics); feelings of competition and embarrassment if I didn't get something right away. Also I have trouble immediately remembering what the French ballet words mean. Maybe someday I will change my mind and want to take ballet, but for now yoga seems better for my mental state. I want to start doing yoga instead of just stretches. I have to hold the poses longer for a better workout and I need to turn off all external stimuli and focus on my breathing. I would love to be able to develop the self-control to work on yoga on my own so I don't later on have to pay for a class.

I woke up very late again, due to my mother calling to let me know she was going to go for a bike ride. I decided to get up and go with her. It was quite hot today and I felt sick by the time we reached the ice cream shop in Wheaton. I took one of my Zofran and then had strawberry cheesecake ice cream inside where it was cooler. Then we rode around Wheaton a little bit and got back on the Prairie Path and headed back home. It was easier riding home. The fair only had the rides going on today so we didn't go look at the crafts (which I saw yesterday with April and Phil). I came home and showered and then Michael and me watched the movie Avatar. It was a good movie, I think, but too long, action-oriented ,and filled with war for me. I don't regret watching it, though. Tonight Lost's big finale starts at 6pm! I will probably just read until then.

One goal I'm going to start working on, starting today, is cutting back on sweets and eating at least one fruit and one vegetable a day. I've been mainly eating apples because they last long, aren't too expensive, and contain some fiber. Ever since starting to recover from anorexia I've had constipation problems and eating healthier and drinking more water might help that.

Today two books arrived that I ordered: The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin and The How of Happiness by Sonia Lyubomirsky. I'm starting with The Happiness Project since I've read the whole blog (I think). So far since even before I came across the blog and was just doing "Ten Thousand Questions" I had determined a new major goal of being a happier person, which will also come with the great effects of influencing others with more positive energy, getting more done, and having better relationships. My Bipolar is pretty under control now, and my anxiety is pretty controlled with my pills. I'm not deeply depressed, just a bit stuck on old things I need to let go.

Some things I've been reading really hit me, like the fact that if you aren't busy enough you can get into negative thought loops. I haven't been keeping busy enough. I've been slacking off on art and writing and intend to increase my productivity in those areas. I'm also going to keep up with the reading and maybe take more notes on what I read, since I can learn from anything or come up with inspired ideas -- both by reading fiction and non-fiction. I also intend to exercise (at least stretches and simple ballet and yoga) every day for a short while and ride my bicycle twice a week if possible. I've already switched over into always getting dressed and putting on make up everyday because I heard it's better for your mood to always do your morning routine and get ready, even if you're staying at home. So far I think it's helping me and encouraging me to be more active. I intend to volunteer at the no-kill cat shelter after I return from Michael's next week. I will probably miss this month's orientation, though:( But they said I could also be individually trained. I mainly want to work with the cats directly (a cat socializer) or introducing prospective adopters to the cats. I also wouldn't mind feeding, but I would rather only do clean up if they really needed me to do that (I worry more about washing floors than cleaning litter boxes).

I'm feeling better about Amber and Tim and all my friends in general. As time passes I'm also slowly getting over Him. I don't want to hate him, but I do hope he goes through struggles until he learns what he's been doing is wrong and makes an effort to change his ways and to apologize to those he abused. I might still talk to people or write about when people bother me, but I will try to sound neutral instead of blameful and name calling. My psychologist thinks He is a narcissist (and several friends I've talked to about Him agree) and narcissists are usually pretty unhappy people, hiding their deep-down insecurities. I'd rather be me than him.

We just got back from bike riding. I am so out of shape. I took a few pictures to scrapbook, if they turned out all right. I'm even more tired now. Michael is going to work on homework online while I read. We have a movie, The Thirteenth Floor, to watch today. I really just want to sleep...