unico_love: (childlike empress)
I'm feeling depressed about my life. I've accomplished so little in the past year other than stay alive. I've had symptom after symptom pop up. Abnormal test result followed by abnormal test result with no "real" answer. Nothing that connects the dots. When I get my dizzy spells, Michael worries what they mean. My brother and mother were hoping for a tumor in the pituitary gland. Hoping for a tumor... How low do you have to sink for that? My mentality is way off. I like the internet, but don't get enjoyment the way I used to out of in-person socializing. I don't feel like sending emails, though, either. I have nothing to say. I do nothing that would interest other people. My main enjoyment comes from helping other people and giving to other people. Hence, Project Snow makes me happy. Helping a loved one less fortunate who could benefit not only financially from me, but from my knowledge of things like make up and clothing, etc.

I'm reading a book right now and it says how everything is conscious. You can incarnate as literally anything and reincarnate as anything. It's like, I've thought this since I was 11 years old. I've prayed for the souls of living and non-living things for many, many years. People need a book on it? I get people have different beliefs, but this stuff is so ingrained in my heart. I'm feeling less desire to be partnered (who knows? Maybe that's just my lack of libido). I wouldn't mind becoming a nun, but I do not agree with the Catholic church. Maybe Buddhist? I am ready to take a vow of poverty and a vow of celibacy. I no longer feel fit for this world. At times that scares me and I think I'm going to die soon, having finished with this life. I feel like I've already lived through so much and learned so much from everything.

This sickness leaves me feeling haunted. My body is disjointed, not interacting properly with the environment. It is not running well. Neither is my mind, personality, or spirit. I am full of love for everyone. That is the one thing intact. I am bursting with love. I feel quite strange.
unico_love: (Possession)
I'm going to start working on April's picture soon. It's hard for me to concentrate, but once I get started on drawing, it's easy for me to continue usually. I have to stop obsessing over my illness(es). My brother and I used the same phrase to describe what it seemed my new endocrinologist was doing in trying to blame my high prolatin on Zyprexa (which my psychiatrist highly doubts): grasping at straws. Everything points to a tumor of a decent size, but there is no tumor. Even if there is a tiny mass of cells secreting Prolactin (an extremely tiny tumor), why all the headaches? Why the seizures? Why the vision problems? Also the cabergoline hasn't really helped yet. Maybe it has lowered my Prolactin level, I don't know, but I still have the same symptoms. I've been on it less than 2 weeks, though... My brother told me a few days ago that he had said to my mother, "I know it sounds weird, but I kind of hope my sister does have a tumor," and apparently my mother agreed with him. Because a prolactinoma is easy to treat, clear-cut -- it would make sense out of this mess. Now we are back to not knowing. Back to more testing and being ill. Who knows when this will be solved?

However, one thing I think I figured out -- my hip pain is bursitis. My grandfather had that and I think my mother does.
unico_love: (Default)
Today I went to my neurologist. They took me on-time, no wait at all. However, I was in the appointment for over an hour. They tried to get the labs from my endocrinologist. The nurse practitioner was a bit annoying... She insisted I had low cortisol because I had low cortisol from my March 2012 lab. I have high cortisol according to the past couple of months. She said I couldn't have a pituitary tumor because none showed on my summer 2012 MRI. I asked the endocrinologist the same question and she said pituitary gland tumors don't show on those kinds of MRI's -- she has to do a "different, deep pituitary MRI." The nurse practitioner asked if I drove (no), if I worked (no), if I cooked (no), and then she asked "Well, what do you do?" to which I didn't answer. Because I've had 3 seizures (1 tonic-clonic in my sleep, 2 complex-partial) seizures since late November, that means my seizures aren't completely controlled (though it's certainly good enough for me), so the nurse practitioner wanted to add Keppra to my Topamax. At least if they had to add a drug I'm glad it would be that one. I've been on it before for Bipolar and I don't get "Keppra rage." The doctor disagreed, though, and just increased me to the maximum amount of Topamax. He also tested my blood levels of Topamax today (which I did right after the appointment, in the hospital). I guess they were also concerned that I was having more seizures than I was aware of; it is possible, given I had several seizures on my 24 hour eeg and I wasn't aware of any of them.

The nurse practitioner *did* say that if I have a pituitary gland tumor, she can't guarantee that after it's treated my seizures and migraines will go away. That's okay, but the fact that *maybe* they will is encouraging! The fact that once the hypothetical tumor is treated I might be much more emotionally stable is even more encouraging and exciting! And even if they don't find a tumor, I will still be treated to lower my prolactin, which should greatly help me emotionally. As for the cortisol, that's still all up in the air. I still think they are testing me for Cushings and I don't know how long that will go on for or what will happen if I have it. That's scarier territory. If I have it it's in the early stages, whereas my prolactinoma (tumor secreting tons of prolactin) might have been around since puberty, just getting worse and worse, adding more and more symptoms. One of the major symptoms is irregular periods, and my periods have been rare from the start. My bipolar, anxiety, and seizures (not tonic-clonic) began around age 19. My libido and ability to orgasm ended in early 2005. Sex became more painful in late 2008. I gained weight suddenly late 2011 and my depression worsened then. I attempted suicide spring 2012. My daily migraines, fainting, tachycardia, tonic-clonic seizures, and weakness began spring 2012. I gained more weight suddenly in late summer/early fall 2012. Sex became even more painful. My vision sometimes started getting more blurry and I started getting headaches sometimes, though not migraines. I grew more weak in 2013, back like how I was in the summer. Since going off my birth control pills in mid-February to test my hormones I have not gone back on it and have not had my period. That was another dumb question asked in the neuro's office "Why aren't you getting your period?" I'd already told them my prolactin is sky-high. My body thinks it's majorly pregnant and/or nursing!

These are all my problems a prolactinoma might account for:
-Depression
-Anxiety
-Hostility
-Irritability
-Suicidality
-Irregular periods/rare periods/amenorrhea
-Infertility (though I want to keep that! No babies for me, thanks!)
-Anorgasmia
-No libido
-Vaginal dryness
-Painful sex
-Vision problems
-Migraines
-Headaches, in general
-Hot flashes
-Cold sweats
-Seizures
-Memory problems
-Bad decision making
-Over-sensitivity
-Physical weakness
-Needing 12+ hours of sleep a day
-Fatigue
-Fainting
-Collapsing
-Dizziness
-Nausea attacks
-Weight gain
-Loss of body hair
-Joint pain, bone pain, and muscle pain
-Hypothyroidism

The one symptom I *don't* have, that my endocrinologist was shocked at, given my prolactin levels, was lactation. I have never lactated, which is partly why I was so shocked to find out my prolactin was so high and wreaking havoc on my mind and body. I remember getting the test order and seeing prolactin on it and thinking "Prolactin? Why is she testing *that?* This is dumb."

So any or all of these things might get better with my prolactin levels controlled! For all I know, I'm not even bipolar! I was stable as a rock, just very sensitive, until I hit 19 and everything fell to pieces!



-
unico_love: (Snow White)
Wow. An ex-friend certainly went to great lengths to break Michael's heart. She's proven herself to be quite the little liar.... All those morals and ethics she talks about? Non-existent. All for show. Can't say I feel too sorry for her about her problems now that her "true self" has been revealed. Yikes.
unico_love: (Cat mask)
"The analysand has not spoken of resistances because that might lead to difficulties, and anyway the analyst has "already been forgiven." That is arrogance! It would be much simpler to say, "I blame you for this and that; what have you to say about it?" That would be human, modest, and normally related. But instead, negative reactions hide under the cloak of "forgiveness" and a virtuous and superior attitude and the knowledge that "The analyst is a human being and has negative sides." That is the poison of a wrong Christian attitude. I have often met with this and resent this forgiveness and sweetness of people and would prefer that they were more naturally related and would say straight out what they thought so that one could get a human understanding. This shadow of the Christian attitude is symbolized by the stag hung up in the tree in the medieval legends. If someone just pardons a fellow human being, then nothing happens; the negative assumptions remain for the next ten years!" (pg. 47, von Franz, Shadow and Evil in Fairy Tales).

This makes a lot of sense to me. I hate the idea of being angry or mean, so I never know whether to repress my feelings or let them out. And when I do let them out it's usually a verbal lashing. What I would like to do is what's said here -- Being clear and to the point that I am bothered. Sometimes I do manage doing that, but the situation remains unresolved. Sometimes the main point gets pushed aside. Sometimes I become defensive and sometimes I give in too easily -- as I do feel guilty easily. I feel so much pressure to forgive, but sometimes forgiveness needs time and more experience.
unico_love: (Delight)
I keep having stomach cramps, sometimes to the point I feel like I will throw up. My digestive system is a little messed up, I think. I don't know if it's the Zoloft or something else.

Michael's replacement phone wasn't working properly last night, but right now it seems to be. Hopefully it will continue to work. That was a huge problem and caused Michael to have a meltdown. I didn't exercise yesterday because the phone thing happened right when I was intending to exercise and then I was too drained from Michael's meltdown and just wanted to go to bed.

I want to start a new painting today, but haven't yet figured out what I will paint. I think a city scene. I will have to look through my photographs. I will at least outline the painting today or put down a layer of paint.

We are probably going to Naperville today to pick up a phone from Michael's sister that he could possibly use if his current replacement phone stops working again. We will also be seeing friends.

I only read a little bit yesterday. I hope to read more today. I probably will at the friend's house while they play video games or watch a movie.

I also should edit more poems today. And I should get back into writing them. I just feel like I need to catch up in the editing, but that's going to take me months, so I should probably just start writing new poems again, too.
unico_love: (childlike empress)
My brother and I were talking yesterday and we talked about bullying. It started as a conversation of how many kids now get bullied online and it seems like more children commit suicide due to bullying than they did when we were little (though that might be untrue). I talked about how I was bullied and it didn't really bother me. If it had been physical, it would have been a different issue, but it was just verbal and kids following me around chanting mean things, etc. In second grade this one girl hated me and started the "We Hate Bridgett Club" which all the girls in our class were in. It just confused me. I got out of class every day to help with the Kindergarten gym class (an attempt to improve my socialization skills) and I was allowed to bring a friend. The girl who hated me would want to get out of class so she'd ask to go with me and I would say yes. Considering how mean she was to me, I should have said no. However, I still trusted her and did not mind her as a person. Meanness and bullying was beyond my comprehension. Even in high school I was just baffled by it. My brother said I "let the enemy into the foxhole" which apparently is a saying he just made up, which I didn't realize. He seems to feel I like everyone, even when I have no reason to, and that I trust people I obviously shouldn't. I guess that's true... The only person I truly dislike is the sociopathic mother of an ex-boyfriend. She is the closest to "evil" I have ever seen. But a lot of the time now I just feel bad for her, because she can't be happy.
unico_love: (Possession)
1. I'm unable to work
2. I have a very limited income and don't know if I will remain in a financially okay position
3. I have a bunch of skin conditions that are really annoying and can be rather gross
4. I have a lot of mental health conditions
5. I am not supposed to drive/can't drive due to neurological issues

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (Unico)
A bad day and a good day. So far it's ending as a good day:-) Michael had some problems with Target last night (he had things on hold that were no longer on hold for him when he got there) and then today (not clear on what went wrong at Target today). Michael got massively lost trying to get to a friend's house to help him with antivirus stuff (this friend and his parents are more computer illiterate than even me). Michael calmed down then and had a much easier time making it home. He brought me back a blueberry cake doughnut that I ate with a small glass of milk. I love milk and tend to drink it with brownies, cake, cookies, doughnuts -- basically sweets of any kind, other than ice cream (which provides the milk for me;-). We watched Glee online. It got cut off at the very end, though:( Which is too bad because I'd like some reliable streaming for Glee since it's on the same night as my church's Crafting and Conversation.

We're going to email a nearby church member about carpooling to Crafting and Conversation. It would help a lot with gas. April brought up maybe visiting for a short while Tuesday night, but we love Crafting:( I am learning sign language there. I'm having trouble remembering K, P, and T. Pictures online don't help me. It's hard for me to convert something two dimensional into something three dimensional. I will just get some more assistance at church. They do have a sign language class on Mondays, but we're already using up so much gas for the church.:( Yoga will be held once a month again and I'm looking forward to that.

I wasn't too anxious today until I realized, by idly checking amazon, that my Sailor Moon and Codename: Sailor V manga had been delivered September 13th and I never received them! Someone would have brought them in from the porch. I think someone stole them. The money had been deducted from my bank account for them and I'd even written it in my checking account the day before arrival. I just forgot... But fortunately Michael called amazon and got to talk to someone right away about what happened and they are overnight shipping replacements for me! That made me really happy. Unfortunately Michael noticed my big surprise present for his birthday in my amazon.com account:( That made me feel bad...

Now I'm going to do some yoga and maybe meditate. I also want to read more (finished reading The Time Traveler's Wife). And I should clean the toilets and sink.
unico_love: (childlike empress)
I'd probably be disappointed that I never finished school (I don't even have a GED -- I was eventually homeschooled/tutored and was accepted into colleges more based on my SAT/ACT scores). I never got a job, let alone a good or interesting one. I developed mental illness that caused me a lot of pain. Things would never be fixed with my father. There would be financial difficulties. But there would be good things, too... I just think more subtle things, so my initial reaction to my current life would likely be disappointment.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (Default)
Today while on our way to do errands Michael and I found a timid, scared looking cat sitting right by the busy road. We stopped and picked her up and went to the nearby animal clinic to see if she was microchipped. She wasn't. They took down the cat's information in case someone called. The other clinics are closed now and Monday we will call them all (and Animal Control) to alert them to the found lost cat. She is tan and brown stripes with white patches and blue eyes. She is very docile, purrs, likes to be held, etc. She looks well-fed and well-groomed. She is clearly a pet and not a stray. Michael is putting up pictures of the cat with his phone number around the area we found the cat. My mother won't let us keep her at her house:( Mrs. Bates already hates other cats (and misbehaves because of it). We can't take in another cat. Our house is too small, smells like cat, our current cats don't behave, and we don't have the money. It's hard enough affording three cats. I'm hoping the owner shows up; otherwise we may have to take her to the no-kill shelter near where Michael used to live:( Though I do think she'd be adopted quickly because of her looks and gentle demeanor.
unico_love: Snow White (innocence unicorn)
I'm upset and I may be being unreasonable. I pre-ordered The Last Unicorn comics from conlan press (associated with the author). I could have bought the issues cheaper and without paying shipping through a comic book store, but that didn't occur it. The first two issues were late coming out and the third never came out at all. There was some publishing mix up and Conlan Press didn't get the newer comics and wouldn't be for months, so they offered people like me, who pre-ordered all the comics, the choice of getting the full, hard-cover graphic novel without charge and without receiving the rest of the individual comics. I chose this -- also the book would be personally signed. This book, again, has been delayed many months. I got it today -- and my name is misspelled in it! They spelled it Bridgette instead of Bridgett. This really upsets me. I spent like $45 on the comics, didn't get them all, and now have a long-awaited book with my name wrong. I contacted the publisher about this, but I doubt they will do anything.
unico_love: (Amalthea)
Today I had difficulty getting my contacts in and it took a long time, which is pretty usual for me. However the right eye was hurting much more than usual when I'd try to put it in. It's also only a few days old and I didn't want it to go to waste. Then I found out I was trying to put two contacts in my right eye at the same time!:( They were layered. That means I didn't throw out my old lense and I have no idea what the new lense is and what the old lense is. I put one in and I'm hoping it's the right one and doesn't cause me any problems. I have no medical coverage for eye appointments or contacts/glasses, so it's expensive for me (especially with toric lenses); I don't want to waste any lenses.
unico_love: (childlike empress)
Church today was beautiful, as always! But today the pianist played and sang "In the River of Dreams" by Billy Joel and a James Taylor song and the congregation sang another James Taylor song. The focus on the service was about how the earth is our paradise on earth and we have to care for it and do good in the world. However, we also can't focus on fixing everything and being perfect because that will cause burnout. We just have to do what good we can manage while being mentally healthy.

Then Michael went to move his car closer to the church and the car wouldn't start-_- That freaked me out majorly. Fortunately a church member had jumper cables and the car started immediately -- unlike a few months back when Dan's car needed jumping and it took like an hour and two different people trying to help. Michael thinks he may have left the lights on when we went into the church, but I don't know if that would be the only cause (it was only a couple hours...). I just hope that problem is over now. We plan to eventually buy a new car, but we're waiting for this one to completely die. When we do buy a new (used) car we will bring my mother and her boyfriend with us, as her boyfriend is a mechanic. Also if the car needs towing at some point we will tow to his station, which is very convenient. I was so worried about the car, though, that I only read about 75 pages of my Wicked Lovely book during the break between church and the Building Your Own Theology class.

The class was fun, again! Some of our reading had been on moral codes so we tried to come up with our own (shared) moral code. My contribution was to not seek revenge, which a girl amended with seeking justice, but not revenge. That's fine with me. I do believe people should be held responsible for their actions, I just personally find I can have a vengeful attitude and I don't want to live that way. I don't want to ever seek vengeance and I want to find ways to soothe my anger so I can deal with situations fairly and rationally, not allowing the cruelties of others to lead me to be cruel.

We also drew pictures of what we saw as God/the Absolute/the Ultimate Reality -- a picture of what we thought of that as a child, a teenager, and an adult. There was a list of names for the Ultimate Reality listed, but they were all singular, which was pointed out, which wouldn't accommodate some pagans. Though the person who pointed it out actually wasn't one of the pagans or people into earth-centered religions. I drew a picture of the cross and an old bearded man because I used to believe a lot of traditional "Christian" things when I was little. I believed God could be vengeful as well as a loving father. The my teenage years were kind of an early version of what I believe in now -- panentheism where God is in all of nature/reality and beyond it. I didn't mention that I believe God is the source of love in our existence, but I do believe that.

We had a moral discussion on how morally permissible it would be to have a baby to use the bone marrow to save your dying teenage daughter (it was an article based on the situation the book My Sister's Keeper was based on). All of us except one found it permissible. One woman didn't because she didn't think the parents would be good parents to the child and the child might not feel really loved and feel used and it would have bad repercussions for the child's feelings about herself. This woman has had difficult times with her family, feeling unaccepted and unwanted by them, so I guess she sees her situation mirrored in the one of the child being born for the bone marrow.

I disagreed even though I probably have had similar experiences to her in my family. Michael often says my parents should never have been parents and it's probably true. However, I'm an optimist and I believe that a life has so much potential and, while I think people over-breed, I don't think a child shouldn't be born just because the situation isn't ideal. I brought up the fact that I was an unexpected pregnancy and my mother nearly aborted me, but I still am glad I was born. Sometimes I feel like I was unwanted, sure, and my parents often mistreated me. But my life is so much more than that. I feel that I would feel worse as a dying teenager knowing there was something that could help keep me alive that wouldn't (likely) involve in anyone dying than I would as a child brought into the world to save my sister's life. I could deal with knowing I was born to save someone's life. After all, I can deal with the fact that my parents were pretty bad parents and I wasn't really wanted as a baby and, in many ways, my birth ruined my mother's life.

It's raining a lot today and I got soaked so when I got home I changed into pajamas and Michael made me dinner. My mother picked up my prescription today so I didn't even have to go to Walgreen's. Though I need to get Miralax soon...
unico_love: (crystal ball)
I find that I get irritated with people too easily. I tend to like people very easily and quickly, but I also can get frustrated pretty quickly (though I often don't express it). This can lead to rather confused feelings, though I still like people, overall, and try to ignore the incident that bothered me. I prefer people to not judge me and to give me some leeway to make mistakes or say improper things, so I should give the same allowances to people I interact with. I would like to be a more laidback person. I dwell on problems when I would like to just let them go. I need everything in life to be consistent even though that is impossible. I, myself, am not completely consistent and can be hypocritical, as much as I hate hypocrisy. I try to be self-aware, though, and notice when I'm being unkind or unfair or contradicting myself unnecessarily. Not everyone has to agree with me or think like me. I have to really come to terms with that. Also sometimes problems are just due to miscommunication. In some ways I communicate more easily than a lot of people, but I still reach points where I have no idea how to communicate to someone when we are struggling to understand each other.
unico_love: (Cat mask)
This is a major pet peeve of mine that I mentioned a variation of recently: Please do not assume that you know more than me about something regarding me. In this case, please do not assume I don't know the risks of medications I take. I know Zyprexa can be dangerous; I am given blood tests and have no dangerous side effects. It could always happen in the future, but right now the benefits outweigh the costs as no other medication helps me as much.

Also Ritalin LA does not give me panic attacks and isn't the cause of my recent meltdowns -- my bipolar most probably is the cause. I've been on Ritalin LA for awhile now, including while I was very stable, on the same dosage I am now. It calms me and lessens my anxiety and depression. Yesterday I took it twice a day instead of once and only had a few minutes of light anxiety. My brother also is not made more hyper or anxious on stimulants. He can drink a pot of coffee and go to sleep. Ritalin also doesn't interfere with my sleep. I'm most certain it is not the cause of my recent meltdowns and mood episodes. And, absolutely, DO NOT ORDER ME TO GO OFF A MEDICATION! You are not my doctor. I highly doubt you know more than my doctor (or even me, no matter how arrogant that sounds). If you have a suggestion or question, that is fine. But do not say I have to do something/can't do something or talk down to me like I don't understand myself or my medications.

Edit: To further explain, though, I do like when people suggest I look into trying different medications if I'm having a problem and saying why this other medication might be more helpful. I also like supplement suggestions as I don't know much about supplements.
unico_love: (childlike empress)
I'm still anxious and overwhelmed, but there are a few good things that have happened. I convinced Michael to call his dentist's office this morning and they are there today until 1pm. Michael has a 12:30pm appointment. Also Michael's mother is going to talk to their family doctor (whom she is friends with) to see about getting a generic Ritalin prescription (which hopefully Michael's mother could pick up after work on Monday). Then hopefully that will be cheaper and Michael can get his ADD medication and come to my house Monday night or Tuesday.

I bought some fleece sheets on-sale from Kmart and they were on sale for $20. This is what they look like: http://www.kmart.com/shc/s/p_10151_10104_048B017556700001P?prdNo=1&blockNo=1&blockType=G1

My mother had a hard day yesterday, too. She will probably pick me up around 6pm. Michael has a Coldstone Creamery coupon for free ice cream because of his birthday and he's going to let me use it. I hope it comes with a free topping, but even if it doesn't I will still get cheesecake ice cream. I still feel hungover from Klonopin, but I ate granola for breakfast which seems to have helped a bit. I have to learn how to cope with problems better...
unico_love: (Amalthea)
It was ironic I wrote before I left about how much I hated changes in plans or travel. I prepared myself to go to a bunch of unfamiliar suburbs so Dan and Michael could go looking for the toys they collect. I went with because I wanted to eat at Rally's/Checkers, which I used to get all the time when we visited my grandmother in Florida. There are no locations anywhere near where I live. It's about 45 minutes from where Michael lives and Michael lives 45 minutes from me. I did pretty well traveling and going to the stores and then looked forward to the food. I really liked the food. There is no inside part to Rally's -- just a drive thru and pick up window and a parking lot. We parked while we ate. Then the car wouldn't start. No one would help us. Eventually someone who worked in the fast food place agreed to help jump start the car. It was taking too long, so they left. Michael called his father to come down and help. He arrived an hour later. Then we spent a long time trying to jump the car again. Finally, finally the car started and didn't die! I had taken 2 Klonopins during this time and was really depressed and getting ritualistic and superstitious. I just had to get out of there. I was in a totally unfamiliar place, stranded. I tried to read, but it was difficult to focus. I also worried I would have to use the bathroom and there was no bathroom there. We just got back home. It's true I could have reacted a lot worse than I did and had some kind of meltdown, but I didn't. Though I also didn't remain very optimistic or pleasant. I'm going to bed soon.
unico_love: (Amalthea)
Today I volunteered at the cat shelter again. I think I'm going to mainly help with socializing the cats and I was told each time I go someone who knows the place better will tell me a cat to socialize with who needs more help socializing with people and I will spend time with them. Today I spent time with a 2 year old male cat named Bruiser. He had a leg broken so badly they thought they were going to have to amputate it:( They didn't, though, and for now he lives in a (big) cage by himself. He gets lonely, I was told, which is understandable. I first pet him in his cage, which made him very happy, but then he crawled into my lap and I pet him for at least an hour. He was purring and very sweet. He eventually crawled back in his cage to eat and I spent time with some of the other cats. One of the cats is named Jigglypuff, which I find so funny. My allergies are bothering me a little now, unfortunately.

And when I came home one of my water tanks in the basement started gushing water, so now my water is turned off. My mother is calling the plumber and is going to try to have my tank replaced today. Michael was supposed to come here today, so I hope that everything goes as planned. I will work on my OCD and Bipolar workbooks in the meantime. I should also read my Unicorn Chronicles book...
unico_love: (childlike empress)
From time to time I am still having negative feelings or judgments, but I am getting better at noticing those thoughts/feelings and reasoning with myself why I shouldn't act on them and how those thoughts/feelings will pass. They always do pass. I go back to feeling happy with my life and the people I know. I don't want to ruin a relationship to spout vitriol which temporarily relieves me. Just reminding myself those negative thoughts and feelings will pass usually works, though a few times I have been caught off-guard and have been unkind back. I get so afraid of being walked all over again. I need to continue working on expressing myself and how something affects me while still being respectful and kind, even if the other person isn't respectful or kind back. I'm still too sensitive about what others' impressions of me might be. Criticism and accusations still give me panic attacks. If someone said something awful about me I'd probably take them too seriously instead of assuming the person saying such negative things probably has a problem they are taking out on me.

Sometimes I still feel powerless, but knowing I can change my perspective of myself and the world and taking steps to live a different lifestyle makes me feel more in-charge of my life and happiness. And my medication helps, too, so the anxiety and bipolar don't rule my life so much and I can make wiser decisions and don't feel bad for no reason. I still have to work on my worrying or focusing on the past or future instead of on the present. I am getting better about worrying about the future, though, and keeping my thoughts more on the present or near-present. The past I'm starting to see as an unfolding story that led me to wear I am now, which is overall a pretty good place, so even the bad things that happened seem purposeful and less destructive. It was a state of great pain and wishing to die that made me want to turn around my communications and focus. Hopefully those incidents in March that made me so desperate and depressed won't repeat themselves. I may feel very negative feelings and have very negative thoughts again at some point, especially due to being bipolar, but hopefully I've learned how to better handle those situations when they arise.

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unico_love: (Default)
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August 2013

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