Journey through Faerieland

I just took my second dose of Ritalin LA. I have a lot left for this month, so I figured it was okay. It really does help my anxiety and mood... I should be happy, though, and usually I am now. Sometimes I even think I'm happier than average. I still self-monitor a lot -- constantly looking for any sign of anxiety or depression or fear. Then if I do notice it I start panicking:-/ Just too many years of too many bad emotions... Life is better now. I have to remember that. Also my pap smear test results came back normal so not another one of those horrible exams for two years! Yay!

I think I'm kind of the opposite of a nihilist. I think there is meaning in everything. When people ask questions like "What is the meaning of life?" I get very confused. It's not like I know a deeper truth than them -- I don't know an objective "meaning of life" on this earthly existence that stands true for everyone. I do think all of our existences have some kind of deeper purpose, but I don't know what it is, and I don't think one has to know that to have meaning and purpose in their life. Perhaps like in existentialism we have to create meaning in our lives. I would still count that as important. I do not just think we're useless, tiny dots existing for a moment in history, of no real value. I believe all things in the universe are sacred and divine. There's nothing wrong with being a little focused on yourself and understanding yourself and your life -- we're all sacred and valuable! Ants are just as important as humans who are just as important as any higher-up spirits or organisms that may exist/will exist. I am more hedonistic than I used to be -- I think we should all enjoy life to the fullest. Life is meant to be enjoyed and cherished. For me the ultimate meaning of life is to experience love and to love as much as possible. That is my main goal, as well as somehow making the world a better place in some small way. As Emily Dickinson said, "If I can save one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain." My views on ethics and spirituality are constantly evolving, but the core of who I am remains the same and probably so will my belief that love is of utmost value.

I have met so many creatures (including humans) that are so inspiring and great in some way or another -- I am learning so much. I am inspired always. Hopefully my self-criticism will die away and I will focus only on how I can improve instead of thinking of the ways in which I fail compared to other people. I've had great opportunities in life, too, and I have many wonderful people to turn to. Some of my past is hard to overcome, but I will keep trying.

"But he knows that deception and truth stretch equally far and that consequently it still is possible that the deceiver is not a deceiver, and therefore he believes all things (truly the highest courage!), courage to endure the slights and mockery of the world (truly the greatest victory, greater than any which is won in the world, for it overcomes the world!), courage to endure the world's judgment that it is so indescribably foolish, although the world can quite clearly understand what his resolution is about but not his resolution, no more than the mistrustful world can understand the blessedness which the true lover has within himself."
--pg. 229, Works of Love, Kierkegaard

I'm reading Purity of the Heart is to Will One Thing, by Soren Kierkegaard, one of my favorite authors. I really relate to his ideals and experiences. This book has been very uplifting for me and I agree with a lot of it. He's a Christian writer, but this book has a lot of Buddhist undertones and in many ways is practical about coping through life and maintaining a desire to create love in the world. So I would recommend it, certainly, for non-Christians, as well. I'm about halfway through right now.

Quotes that are helping me right now:

"But here on earth, Good is often temporarily rewarded by ingratitude, by lack of appreciation, by poverty, by contempt, by many sufferings, and now and then by death. It is not this reward to which we refer when we say that the Good has its reward. Yet this is the reward that comes in the external world and that comes first of all. And it is precisely this reward which the man is anxious about, who wills the Good for the sake of no reward" (72).

"Oh, Though the Good's wonderful at-oneness with thyself that protects thee from being deceived! When, for the sake of the reward, a double-minded person only pretends to will the Good, and he seems to get the reward, nevertheless he does not get it. For that which he gets, he does not get as reward--for the Good. So far is he from getting it as reward that rather at that very moment that he receives the Good, he discovers that the reward has vanished" (73).

I recently read Friedrich Nietzsche's Thus Spoke Zarathustra. I enjoyed the way it was written since I very much enjoy mythology. The structure was easy to read, too, and the segments were broken up into small pieces, so I could easily read a little bit and come back to it later. Nietzsche is by no means my favorite philosopher; I identify far more with the ideas (and the autobiographical experiences) of Soren Kierkegaard. When I read Kierkegaard I really feel inspired to try and be the best person I can be and I feel less alone. I think since lately I've been feeling so negative about myself and helpless that it wasn't so bad for me to read Nietzsche, since he writes so much about taking control of one's own life and using the abilities one does have, developing as much as one can. Actually doing instead of suffering unnecessarily and wallowing in self-pity. I guess it can just be a good counterbalance to my own natural tendencies.

Though, honestly, I also read Kierkegaard's Stages on Life's Way quite recently, too, and I still feel that was more helpful and inspirational. Ah, Kierkegaard<3 I enjoyed Stages on Life's Way more than Either/Or part 1 or part 2 (but part 2 isn't nearly as interesting as part 1, anyway).