Journey through Faerieland

I've been reading more about the enneagram and someone typed Fyodor Dostoyevsky and Soren Kierkegaard as type 4's, and Emily Dickinson as a self-preservation/sexual type, both of which I am. This pleases me very much, as I love all of them and relate well to their writings. I have read Dostoyevsky's The Brothers Karamazov, Crime and Punishment, and The Idiot. I would like to read Notes from the Underground. Kierkegaard is my favorite philosopher, though he didn't consider himself a philosopher. I relate to a lot of his outlooks on spirituality. I love Carl Jung, who was a psychologist, not a philosopher, but a lot of his writings sound philosophical. I really like Emily Dickinson's poetry and quote it. I relate to her lifestyle, too, as I also am very reclusive in some ways, yet involved in close relationships. Tchaikovsky was also typed as a 4 and he's my favorite classical composer.

Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder made me start thinking about ways to improve my mental health. I never really considered how other symptoms like irritation or being quick to anger can be related to bipolar, even if you aren't currently in a serious mood episode. Also PTSD and OCD are very commonly comorbid with Bipolar and what I read recently is that nearly everyone with bipolar has anxiety problems. This kind of makes sense to me because all of my mental health issues started about the same time. I'd already gotten severe overload problems and meltdowns due to autism, but when I was put in a calmer environment I was fine. And I did get some sadness/anxiety at night, but nothing severe. My first bipolar episode was hypomania with started college and it lasted my first semester. I felt like my brain "switched" over winter break. Then I came back mildly anxious and mildly depressed, but then I ended up being stalked and fell into a severe depression (my first ever). Then a few months later it gradually turned into a bad, long mixed episode which is what I was in for my first psychometric testing.

I have already made goals of ways to improve my life, but here are some changes I'm going to try making specifically for my mental health:

1. Drink 3 bottles of water a day
2. Take my multivitamin and also vitamins of Omega-3 fatty acids
3. Eat (dark) chocolate occasionally (apparently it helps some people)
4. Try to eat a fruit a day
5. Eat peanut butter and yogurt for protein
6. Eat raw vegetables
7. Try to eat the amount of calories my psychiatrist (Eating Disorder specialist) thinks I should eat
8. Stretch daily and maybe try to do yoga (turning off outside stimuli and focusing on breathing)
9. Try to do meditation exercises at least when upset (preferably a daily thing, like stretching)
10. Try to do more strenuous exercise 3x a week (ballet exercises, stomach crunches, and push ups?)
11. Journal out all my problems, obsessions, and worries
12. Take Zyprexa daily and Klonopin as needed, as well as my medications for physical issues
13. Unless it's a special occasion, go to sleep by midnight
14. Have people who know me well watch for any signs that I'm beginning to enter a mood episode so I can do something about it
15. When behaving in unsafe or negative ways, have people close to me point them out and explain why they are problematic
16. Have people try not to argue with me rationally when I'm in a mood episode, but help me find ways to stop the mood episode and cope
17. Email one of my psychologists if I need to talk about something due to mental health problems
18. Page my psychiatrist if I am having problems and need a medication change/increase/decrease
19. Talk to a friend when I'm feeling depressed or lonely
20. Wait out angry feelings before doing anything drastic (write about my feelings and tell someone what I'm feeling and why, maybe having them point out why it would be a mistake to act on my feelings)
21. Do soothing activities when my mood is becoming problematic (art, reading comforting books, writing poems)

Last night I retook the AQ (Autistic Quotient) test that has been going around on Facebook, but it was actually formed by Simon Baron-Cohen to try and detect autism. I've heard of people actually being given this evaluation when getting diagnosed with autism/Asperger's Syndrome, though I myself was never given it. I used to score like 46 on it, but this time only scored 42 on it (out of 50, with 15 being average for a non-autistic female and 17 being average for a non-autistic male). Michael helped me figure out how to answer the questions. I try to be self-aware, but sometimes I'm not aware of how strong certain traits come across. For one thing, I did have to answer this time that I'm more interested in people than things. As far back as I can remember I have gotten super attached to people and obsessed with them in a way that I think other autistics get with their special interests. When my father was alive and at his peak craziness (when I was 12-17 -- he died before I turned 18) I couldn't spend much time with people and couldn't afford close friends, so then I was mostly more interested in things than people. The main interest was Sailor Moon. I think being forbidden to be around people made me get super interested in them and wanting friends after my father died. So I do think I'm more interested in people than things now, in many ways, but it's not in the casual wanting to party or being crazy about the opposite sex or anything like that. I really analyze relationships and interactions and it's really rather neurotic.

Also Michael pointed out how I'm the opposite of spontaneous and can't handle change. Even going to a nearby store on a trip out without previous plans to go there makes me get very upset and anxious. Any change in route or routine tends to upset me. I like planning out my social activities and I don't like surprises in traveling or social situations. Surprises like I have more money than I thought I did or getting a more positive response to something than I anticipated are welcome, though:) Now Michael, Dan, and I are going to go out for awhile, but I took Ritalin which should help me deal with the unexpected and control my anxiety. I will bring a book to read, as I always do.

From A Course in Happiness by Mardi Horowitz:

-"No story is without beauty and hope, even when it includes the wrenching loss of a beloved." (p. 14)

-When in crisis, recognizing that one's chaotic state of mind is temporary and getting beyond the spinning rut of pain are first priorities." (p. 14)

-Enhancing Self Observation:
5 R's: Reconsider, Reperceive, Reappraise, Revise, and Rehearse

3 Scenario Approach: Look at the most ideal, dreaded and realistic outcomes

3-Time-Frames Technique: Directing your thinking deliberately to the past, present, or future, you can design a new approach for handling issues in the now and create a more positive future (p. 15-16)

Today I woke up fairly early, but slept much better last night. I went bike riding with my mother, but it was really hot out and I'm in bad shape so it was exhausting. I decided not to get ice cream (which my mother usually buys for me on our bike rides). I just felt too nauseated and hot. I've felt nauseated consistently for the past couple of months, but a low-level nausea. I didn't want to take more Zofran (my nausea medication) because I just took 2 pills yesterday. I also think my nausea problems might be at least partly psycho-somatic, like a friend brought up yesterday. Every time I think of eating I immediately think of vomiting the food.:( We stopped at a deli so I could cool off and my mother ate a sandwich. There was a cute chocolate Labrador puppy outside:) When we got back home I took another shower and turned up the air-conditioning.

My bipolar and OCD workbooks came in today and I've started working on them. My mother made my psychiatrist appointment for July 29. I will call him Monday, when he's back, and talk to him about everything. I can't be on Zyprexa with that insane appetite and sleeping 13 hours a day. Especially if I can't get my Ritalin to curb my appetite. My psychiatrist said I could take it twice a day and told me to wait to get a refill, but by the time I needed it he was gone for two weeks! So I switched to Geodon, which so far has controlled my bipolar quite well. The problem is my anxiety. I did still have some anxiety on Zyprexa and took Klonopin and Klonopin still is usually working. There was that horrible night two nights ago, but that hasn't been the norm. Also I just started taking Geodon a little over 2 weeks ago, so maybe it's not working to the maximum yet. I know people take Zyprexa as needed sometimes, so maybe I can have a prescription for emergencies when I start to get a bit crazy or my moods start getting bad again. It works instantly for me. And I can just rely on the Klonopin for my anxiety. I took one today when I was feeling a bit depressed, but I think it was really more anxiety, because I feel quite well now.

The power went out due to a storm and usually that makes me very anxious because I always have to be doing things to keep my mind busy and it's hard to even find flashlights to read with. This time I stayed calm, just played Tori Amos with my computer's battery power and worked on my OCD workbook with a flashlight. I still don't know if I will make an appointment with my psychologist or not. I may wait a little while to see if my obsessions and anxiety get under control. I felt kind of bad when Amber told me I seemed so stable on my other medication (Zyprexa) and it was too bad I had to go off it, since now I was feeling "blah" and obsessive. The truth kind of hurts:-/ Though I wouldn't say I'm feeling "blah"... At least my moods are pretty good. I just have to get my anxiety symptoms under control. It's too bad antidepressants don't work on me.

I don't think I've made a post yet about the book The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want" by Sonja Lyubomirsky yet... If I did, I can't find it.

The findings of what the happiest people in their studies revealed that the happiest people tended to do this (pg. 22-23):
1. Devote nurturing time to their family and friends
2. Express gratitude
3. Quickly offer help
4. Optimism about their futures
5. Savor life's pleasures/live in the present moment
6. Regular exercise
7. Committed to lifelong goals and ambitions
8. Poise and strength in coping with problems/disappointments

Activities I Find Natural:
1. Acts of Kindness
2. Goals
3. Nurturing Relationships
4. Gratitude
5. Savoring Life's Joys
6. Practicing Religion and Spirituality

Activities I Find More Difficult:
1. Cultivating Optimism (I tend to be anxious)
2. Avoiding Overthinking and Social Comparison
3. Developing Strategies for Coping
4. Learning to Forgive
5. Doing More Activities That Truly Engage Me (Sometimes my anxiety or lack of attention get in the way)
6. Taking Care of my Body

"Don't bend; don't water it down; don't try to make it logical; don't edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly."
- Franz Kafka

Sometimes I wonder if I do have Avoidant Personality Disorder because I often won't read the comments or communicate with someone I disagree with. I will sometimes state my view and maybe listen to what they first say in response, but after that I try to escape because the situation will only upset me further and people tend to stick with their own preferred beliefs, regardless of what others say (I try not to be that way, but I, too, prefer my own opinions usually). I love doing creative activities like art and writing, but I'm not overjoyed at the thoughts of sharing it in any kind of competitive format or a situation where it's likely to be judged. I like seeing others' work and I'm not a good critic aside from beginners at art or with grammar so I tend to focus on what I like when I see others' work. When I show my work on LiveJournal or Deviant Art I'm usually open to suggestions, but it doesn't feel like I'm competing with anyone else - just myself. Also I usually am not totally satisfied with my work, even if I like a specific piece; I always think I should practice more before really showing it to the world or looking into competitive or professional formats to get more feedback or maybe have some success. It makes me really overwhelmed or anxious to send out a query letter, write up a letter or resume, submit slides, etc.

So being alone so much, being hesitant to communicate on instant messengers, refusing to look at potential conflicts, finding criticism hard unless I divorce myself emotionally from what I produced, etc. lead me to wonder if I do have Avoidant Personality Disorder like I was diagnosed by my psychologist who did all the personality tests, IQ test, etc. on me. However, she's the only one that diagnosed me with that condition and it was based on my personality tests high anxiety scores/high Avoidant Personality Disorder score. I often don't know how to respond to questions on tests like that, though, so I don't know how accurate it was. It's true I do have a lot of anxiety... I desperately want to be close to people, yet I fear bothering people in any way and that leads me to avoid a lot of situations even anxious people don't usually have a problem with. I'm always first to volunteer for an unpleasant task due to my anxiety about bothering people. I think those tests were right in showing my PTSD scores as much higher than my depression scores, an unusually low score on Antisocial Personality Disorder traits (12%, I think, when 50% is average), and a low Schizoid Personality Disorder score (30-something%). I am definitely Bipolar, though, and I scored in the average range on that. So the tests definitely aren't full-proof... I also think my IQ test results overestimate my abilities, which is rarely what I hear other people say. I am really not all that knowledgeable a person and my memory is in shambles since returning to Zyprexa. I'm also slow. I do have some strong points related to critical thinking, though, I will admit. I believe I learned that from dealing with my mentally ill, yet intelligent and clever, father and from my great tutors in high school.

It's not even that I hope for a positive response when I open myself up to critique/criticism -- I just feel embarrassed easily and dissatisfied with my level of work. Right now I don't want to show any of my work, except maybe some poems. I would send stories or art to people who asked to see it, though, in a casual way. And I will keep posting my art to Deviant Art and here, since LiveJournal feels like a safer way for me to express myself. People of all ability levels show their work on these kinds of sites, after all. I don't want to give up my creative activities and in recent years poetry writing especially has started to help me emotionally. I just don't need external validation to keep trying to improve my abilities or work on creative activities.

I also enjoy scrapbooking, which is creative, even though I'm not impressive at scrapbooking (at all). I'd kind of like to make an art journal where I write down things that inspire me or little poems/poem bits with pictures I draw or collage. It sounds like a lot of work, though, and I tend to be pretty simple in the kind of art I do. I'm reading a book that kind of makes me feel better about the last novel I wrote, despite my disinterest at the moment of querying. The book Shanghai Girls by Lisa See is about two sisters over the course of their life. It doesn't have a clear-cut "plot" exactly... There are a number of subplots in my last novel, but the overall "plot" is mostly just the growth and maturity of the protagonist over the course of several years.

For my next novel I want to write a young adult fantasy novel that does have a clear-cut plot. I'm going to incorporate fantasy and plot elements I like from all sorts of formats, but mostly fantasy-oriented -- other fantasy books, anime, live-action and animated fantasy, fairy tales, etc. I'm going to work on more brainstorming on that later today. I also will hopefully start drawing human figures again tomorrow, for practice. I'm out of canvases and need to buy some more this week. Then I will paint again with acrylics. I want to paint detailed Impressionism-type paintings like I used to do. I've veered a little away from that recently and some of my paintings I think are too simplistic. I will photograph the last few and post them soon. They're not very impressive, though. Oh well, I like to remind myself even when my writing or art doesn't turn out as good as I'd like that I'm still learning. Sometimes I can put the work aside for awhile and then fix it -- sometimes I just let it sit or even paint over it. I have a giant canvas I'm not satisfied with, but I'm not sure if I want to just paint over it. I'm also not sure how to improve it, though:-/

The combination of my increase of Zyprexa and my new obsession on positive psychology has led me to be happier and more stable. I still get anxiety problems sometimes, but they are less focused on certain problems. It's getting easier for me to "let go" of problems or let unpleasant thoughts run their course and then feel back to normal. However, I still get this free-floating anxiety where I'm not thinking of anything in particular. Reading and other distraction activities sometimes help. The idea that I can control my own happiness levels and that I shouldn't let other people dictate my emotions really inspired me. I can be controlling in some ways, so I definitely want to feel control over myself and my life. I'm trying to look for the good in people even if they are unpleasant or upset me. I'm trying to be respectful and to stay with positive emotions even if people around me become mean or negative, but that's a little harder to do. I over involve myself emotionally with people. I don't think it's bad to care about people a lot, but I also should just let them be who they are and deal with their own problems without letting it affect me. Sometimes I get frustrated with people too easily... Or I take things too personally... Learning to take people problems less personally is important.

I finished reading A New Earth and really liked it, though not all of the viewpoints fit for me. However, it's given me a lot of ideas on how to improve my outlook on memories and staying more present "in the moment" instead of focusing so much on the past and future. I'm trying to look at past problems and seeing what I learned from each incident and how I can prevent those bad circumstances in the future. I already write gratitudes down every night before bed, but I'm also focusing during the day on staying "in the moment" instead of worrying and enjoying the good things that are going on right now. Ever since I decided to start working on being a happier person I've come across a lot of useful information I could apply to my own situation and it so far seems to be working. I haven't had morning anxiety the past few days and I had been getting it badly for months, even on good days. I'm trying hard to focus on my own goals and views of myself instead of letting other people influence me too much (though I'm open to constructive criticism or new ideas from others). Like in other books I've read, such as The Happiness Project, I'm going to make sure I enjoy the process of creating instead of just looking for the end product.

One goal I'm going to start working on, starting today, is cutting back on sweets and eating at least one fruit and one vegetable a day. I've been mainly eating apples because they last long, aren't too expensive, and contain some fiber. Ever since starting to recover from anorexia I've had constipation problems and eating healthier and drinking more water might help that.

Today two books arrived that I ordered: The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin and The How of Happiness by Sonia Lyubomirsky. I'm starting with The Happiness Project since I've read the whole blog (I think). So far since even before I came across the blog and was just doing "Ten Thousand Questions" I had determined a new major goal of being a happier person, which will also come with the great effects of influencing others with more positive energy, getting more done, and having better relationships. My Bipolar is pretty under control now, and my anxiety is pretty controlled with my pills. I'm not deeply depressed, just a bit stuck on old things I need to let go.

Some things I've been reading really hit me, like the fact that if you aren't busy enough you can get into negative thought loops. I haven't been keeping busy enough. I've been slacking off on art and writing and intend to increase my productivity in those areas. I'm also going to keep up with the reading and maybe take more notes on what I read, since I can learn from anything or come up with inspired ideas -- both by reading fiction and non-fiction. I also intend to exercise (at least stretches and simple ballet and yoga) every day for a short while and ride my bicycle twice a week if possible. I've already switched over into always getting dressed and putting on make up everyday because I heard it's better for your mood to always do your morning routine and get ready, even if you're staying at home. So far I think it's helping me and encouraging me to be more active. I intend to volunteer at the no-kill cat shelter after I return from Michael's next week. I will probably miss this month's orientation, though:( But they said I could also be individually trained. I mainly want to work with the cats directly (a cat socializer) or introducing prospective adopters to the cats. I also wouldn't mind feeding, but I would rather only do clean up if they really needed me to do that (I worry more about washing floors than cleaning litter boxes).

I'm feeling better about Amber and Tim and all my friends in general. As time passes I'm also slowly getting over Him. I don't want to hate him, but I do hope he goes through struggles until he learns what he's been doing is wrong and makes an effort to change his ways and to apologize to those he abused. I might still talk to people or write about when people bother me, but I will try to sound neutral instead of blameful and name calling. My psychologist thinks He is a narcissist (and several friends I've talked to about Him agree) and narcissists are usually pretty unhappy people, hiding their deep-down insecurities. I'd rather be me than him.