unico_love: (Default)
It seems like I got in to see an endocrinologist just in time. Just a couple months ago I could do an hour on the elliptical. Now cleaning the bathtub leaves me collapsed and hyperventilating on the floor for 10 minutes before making it back to bed. I'm so exhausted and sore and achey. I know lots of people (including here) have chronic illnesses... I will get used to this if I have to, I just am not used to it, and I seemed to get better from this summer by eating meat again and then the past few weeks I've had a downturn. If I stay like this I might call the doctor's office and tell them I've gotten worse, to see if we can move up the MRI.
unico_love: (Possession)
Bleh, I had a (big) chocolate chip muffin in the middle of the night and ate another today, during the day. I'm going to try to eat mostly protein and fruit the rest of the day... I don't have any vegetables and there's a blizzard going on now, so no going to the grocery store. I'm going to exercise soon. I also want to meditate today. I intended to do that yesterday and didn't. I want meditation to be a daily thing, like exercise.
unico_love: (sailor moon beauty)
I really do feel better after I exercise! I have been exercising lately when I get a bit anxious and it really helps. Also I dislike my body less when I exercise. It's easier than it used to be for me to focus on getting more toned instead of worrying about losing more weight. I'd like to get back to my "ideal weight" assigned to me by my doctors, but being in better shape is what I'm trying to concentrate on. I can never decide if weighing myself does more harm or more good. My inability to feel fullness while on Zyprexa makes it really hard for me to know if I'm eating too much and my body dysmorphia makes it hard for me to notice if I've gained or lost weight. I'd rather catch that I've gained a few lbs before I gain as much as I did October-November. For right now I'm not weighing myself, though. I'm too scared. I'm going to try to just keep eating healthier foods and a lot of protein.
unico_love: (yellow girl with rose)
Today is my first day without Ritalin LA and my appetite is insanely huge.:( I have more healthy foods to eat now, though. Michael went to the grocery store without me since it's huge sensory overload for me (he's mostly fine in a crowd as long as nobody is chewing gum or typing). I'm having the desire to eat when I'm not even hungry. I just ate an apple and a bunch of tomatoes... I will be having a hamburger for dinner, with ketchup. Michael is making the hamburgers now.

Despite all the eating, my stomach is still a bit upset. I don't know if I will complete The Thirty Day Shred tonight. If I don't, I will at least do stretching exercises.

I also really want to do a tarot reading tonight. Painting and editing my poems went fine. I've watched all The Facts of Life other than their trip to Paris, though I will check youtube, etc. for it later. I also would like to catch up in the My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic series. I'm also going to do more reading. I have the latest manga of Neon Genesis Evangelion: The Raising Shinji Ikari Project to read. Not to mention several books from Christmas...
unico_love: (childlike empress)
Yoga went well. I didn't find it difficult, except for the "tree" pose, because I apparently lack balance. I will have to work on that. The positions requiring more flexibility, though, I did well on. It will probably be my last class:( I don't think I will have transportation next week unless I can convince my mother to drop me off and pick me up. The weather tonight was terrible. There was snow and rain and lightening and thunder. I couldn't see the roads. I was quite terrified on the trip home. We made it home safely, obviously. I just ate dinner and I'm having dark chocolate peanut butter cups. I forgot another book Michael gave me around Christmas time/my birthday, so I started reading that -- Song of the Magdalene. It reads quite fast and it's short. I'm tired now. I probably won't go to bed too late. My anxiety is gone now that I am home and things are okay.
unico_love: (Amalthea)
I didn't do much yoga and meditation tonight due to a headache. I imagine some kinds of yoga can help some types of headaches and I just looked it up now. Also I think my headaches might be related to having the wrong prescription of contacts/glasses so meditating with my eyes closed might help. Maybe if I'd given it more time... Instead I took Ibuprofen. It's not a terrible headache, and it's not a migraine, but it is bothersome. It's also possible that my headaches are caused by dehydration. I need to drink more water...

My anxiety has subsided since painting and doing yoga/meditation, though. Art usually helps my anxiety. I just sometimes have difficulty switching tasks so setting up to paint sounds complicated and I put it off.

Also I made an annoying spelling error in my poem. Fortunately, I found it.
unico_love: (Delight)
Today started off difficult with me worrying about finances and feeling guilty. I'm less worried about money now. I think I can keep myself from spending foolishly and I have less expenses next month. I redid my budget and added in an extra $50 for unexpected expenses, which will help. I also bought supplements this month that will last me for several months. I'm going to save a bit each month for a passport.

I read a lot of today and played some Solitaire. I felt anxious (partly worrying April would back out). Tonight April and I went to our first yoga class at the Unitarian Universalist Church. April was having morning sickness, but I convinced her to go. Luckily, by then she had started feeling better. The class was pretty full, but not overwhelming. There were some beginners, like me, who had never taken the class, and it was a "gentle" class as the instructor said. Still, there were some postures that had more complicated elements you could add to them to make it more difficult. I was able to do all the poses and was probably the most flexible in the class. But some of the members were middle-aged or older women. For one position (a more complicated version people could do after getting in the starting pose) the woman next to me said "no one can do that," but I did and she commented to me about it ("You can do it! I just said nobody could do it!"). I felt very relaxed during the class and not at all anxious. My thoughts were slowed down and I felt good. I was actually able to meditate, too.

I'm reconsidering taking adult ballet and think I may focus on yoga instead. I love ballet and could still practice some of the exercises I used to do in ballet for warm up, etc. It's just that sometimes ballet made me anxious (as did gymnastics); feelings of competition and embarrassment if I didn't get something right away. Also I have trouble immediately remembering what the French ballet words mean. Maybe someday I will change my mind and want to take ballet, but for now yoga seems better for my mental state. I want to start doing yoga instead of just stretches. I have to hold the poses longer for a better workout and I need to turn off all external stimuli and focus on my breathing. I would love to be able to develop the self-control to work on yoga on my own so I don't later on have to pay for a class.
unico_love: (Unico)
Today Michael and I exchanged my cat food I bought yesterday for a different kind because Bunny was having trouble digesting that type of cat food. Then my brother brought us some food to eat that he picked up after work. Michael and I went on a bike ride into downtown Glen Ellyn, returned a library book, ate ice cream at the snack shop, and stopped at the park to go on the swings. I haven't been on swings since I was at college! They make me a bit motion sickness now:P Then we came back and I hope to start a painting tonight and get some reading done. I haven't yet returned to painting, though I've had new canvases for awhile. I think I will paint Amber's horses. So far today has gone pretty well:-) Also Izzy bought me the new Taylor Swift cd! So exciting. I really like it.
unico_love: (childlike empress)
I woke up very late again, due to my mother calling to let me know she was going to go for a bike ride. I decided to get up and go with her. It was quite hot today and I felt sick by the time we reached the ice cream shop in Wheaton. I took one of my Zofran and then had strawberry cheesecake ice cream inside where it was cooler. Then we rode around Wheaton a little bit and got back on the Prairie Path and headed back home. It was easier riding home. The fair only had the rides going on today so we didn't go look at the crafts (which I saw yesterday with April and Phil). I came home and showered and then Michael and me watched the movie Avatar. It was a good movie, I think, but too long, action-oriented ,and filled with war for me. I don't regret watching it, though. Tonight Lost's big finale starts at 6pm! I will probably just read until then.

Good Day

May. 3rd, 2010 06:30 pm
unico_love: (Unico)
Today Michael and I went for a bike ride and I feel better knowing I exercised a decent amount today (though I will do stretches, etc. again tonight). I'm reading and watching more X-Files. My mood has been good. I think my natural mood is a bit elevated, but because of my bipolar it often sinks very low or my obsessions turn bad which makes my mood sink very low. When I have more positive obsessions (like in high school), even when things around me aren't great I'm still happy. I know I'll still be sensitive about a number of things, and I still have triggers I want to avoid, but I feel very determined to stay focused on happiness and accomplishing what is important to me. And every day I must remind myself that the only person I can change is myself, so I have to find ways to be happy that are based on things I do or ways of thinking I develop. I also went to the pet store today and got "Felidae" cat food instead of "Evo" cat food because it was much cheaper and "Felidae" is a good food, too, and my cats love it. They don't seem overjoyed at the expensive cat food I got them that's pure human-grade meat. I don't know why.
unico_love: (childlike empress)
One goal I'm going to start working on, starting today, is cutting back on sweets and eating at least one fruit and one vegetable a day. I've been mainly eating apples because they last long, aren't too expensive, and contain some fiber. Ever since starting to recover from anorexia I've had constipation problems and eating healthier and drinking more water might help that.

Today two books arrived that I ordered: The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin and The How of Happiness by Sonia Lyubomirsky. I'm starting with The Happiness Project since I've read the whole blog (I think). So far since even before I came across the blog and was just doing "Ten Thousand Questions" I had determined a new major goal of being a happier person, which will also come with the great effects of influencing others with more positive energy, getting more done, and having better relationships. My Bipolar is pretty under control now, and my anxiety is pretty controlled with my pills. I'm not deeply depressed, just a bit stuck on old things I need to let go.

Some things I've been reading really hit me, like the fact that if you aren't busy enough you can get into negative thought loops. I haven't been keeping busy enough. I've been slacking off on art and writing and intend to increase my productivity in those areas. I'm also going to keep up with the reading and maybe take more notes on what I read, since I can learn from anything or come up with inspired ideas -- both by reading fiction and non-fiction. I also intend to exercise (at least stretches and simple ballet and yoga) every day for a short while and ride my bicycle twice a week if possible. I've already switched over into always getting dressed and putting on make up everyday because I heard it's better for your mood to always do your morning routine and get ready, even if you're staying at home. So far I think it's helping me and encouraging me to be more active. I intend to volunteer at the no-kill cat shelter after I return from Michael's next week. I will probably miss this month's orientation, though:( But they said I could also be individually trained. I mainly want to work with the cats directly (a cat socializer) or introducing prospective adopters to the cats. I also wouldn't mind feeding, but I would rather only do clean up if they really needed me to do that (I worry more about washing floors than cleaning litter boxes).

I'm feeling better about Amber and Tim and all my friends in general. As time passes I'm also slowly getting over Him. I don't want to hate him, but I do hope he goes through struggles until he learns what he's been doing is wrong and makes an effort to change his ways and to apologize to those he abused. I might still talk to people or write about when people bother me, but I will try to sound neutral instead of blameful and name calling. My psychologist thinks He is a narcissist (and several friends I've talked to about Him agree) and narcissists are usually pretty unhappy people, hiding their deep-down insecurities. I'd rather be me than him.
unico_love: (Cat mask)
From: http://www.tenthousandquestions.com/
Out of reach
What is one thing that is in your life only as a substitute, because the thing you really wanted was something you couldn’t have?

This is a difficult question to answer because I don't think I have many "substitutes" in my life. I would say my exercises are substitutes for being able to take an actual ballet class again. It's just too expensive. Maybe someday I will be able to afford another adult ballet class. I have a book on ballet I had to have for my adult class and I can read through that and do some of the exercises, though I really need more space for a lot of exercising... My coffee table is one that has cabinets on the bottom so it's heavy to momve.
unico_love: (Hotaru profile)
We just got back from bike riding. I am so out of shape. I took a few pictures to scrapbook, if they turned out all right. I'm even more tired now. Michael is going to work on homework online while I read. We have a movie, The Thirteenth Floor, to watch today. I really just want to sleep...
unico_love: (Snow White)
Today Michael and I went bike riding. I am so out of shape. The last time I did exercise aside from stretches and stomach crunches was before I went into the eating disorder unit in January of 2008. We weren't allowed to exercise on unit and after I left early I was still on a strict weight gain plan. Now that I have a lot of fat and no muscle, it's going to take me awhile to find bike riding easy again. April, Phil and I might play croquet today but that's not exactly a physically challenging game in terms of building muscle. Just to estimate the cost, I tried to look up how much it would cost to take adult ballet. I'd have to compare a few different places. Maybe if I'm good with money over the summer I can start it again during the winter. We're only planning a short trip to Arizona and we don't know when we're going yet (probably in the fall sometime). I'll have to buy a new leotard and slippers and everything... It might get a bit costly. But if I keep everything in good condition it might be doable.

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