Journey through Faerieland

Solemn Mermaid - 1/2/13

I know you hate the sappy sentimentality
The dribble and the drabble
The pathetic passing as poetry
You never seemed to get
Just give me one chance
Even that won't be enough, I bet
But still there's hope
Still I pine for your haunting eyes
To pass by me once more

I idolized you, lithe yet alluring mermaid
Porcelain with hair onyx beneath the waves
A face and figure us earth girls die for -- literally
Endless nights I pinched my belly, lamented my empty breasts
For I could not compare to your curvacious perfection
Held in proper modesty, which could never hide your physical gifts

And intelligent as anyone, much more than many
Reading French classics when other children played on the monkey bars
Their whild deeds held no interest to you
Instead, you tipped up your nose
You fed the stray cats the meat you didn't want
You read Les Miserables with ferver and passion
No other eight year old could grasp, tormenting you instead
Tragically trying to break the spirit of an angel on earth

In awe I learned such things
I wanted to hug you, hold you
Make you know you were good and holy
The God you prayed to had not forsaken you
You were always such a good little girl
At the Kingdom Hall
Faithfully attending and sharing and participating
You believed, you prayed, you took the pain and deepened your belief
God loved you deep into the ocean you came from, right through the seaweed and coral

It might be hard to understand why things happened as they did
Why you must suffer so much more than me
Or even than others who live to torment the innocent
Darling, I have no answers
But my embrace is here if you ever want to return
As is his, the one most deeply hurt
The one you care about so at your core
Don't let a good dream go
Don't box yourself into old-fashioned duties that don't make anyone happy

Rules sometimes outlive their purpose
You can be good, darling, you are already good, darling
Just be careful how you tread, your mistakes are forgiven
Your sins are so minor
Forgive yourself, that's all you need to do
So come back to us
No need to dissociate, no need to destroy relationships
You can love us all and we can love you back
We'll make a chain of daisies and put it on your innocent head
Hold hands with your husband and give him a kiss
Then let yourself smile at us -- a real smile
Knowing we are all pure and we are all works in progress

You do not need to suffer for your faith, dear one
I love you, he loves you, God loves you, your husband loves you
So fear nothing, and give everything your most honest effort
Life need not be so complicated
Go for a swim, pretty little mermaid
Take a break and think and feel
Let the salty water hide your tears -- never your beauty
We'll all be waiting here patiently

Michael and I had a discussion about our spirituality. We are similar in some of our beliefs, though Michael is more cynical than me in some ways. Also he tends to be more scholarly, reading many religious texts, whereas spirituality for me is more experiential. I sometimes get ecstatic experiences where I feel one with God and the universe. It is incomparable bliss. I also just "feel" like God is with me at all times, like a friend. I pray regularly. I believe in panentheism -- that God encompasses the universe and more. I connect my spirituality a bit with my feeling-oriented, creativity-oriented, lateral thinking brain. I'm more "right-brained," as the term goes (not that that's a very accurate description of what goes on in the brain).

I just watched the church sermon I missed on Buddhism. A lot of emphasis was given to the fact that we are all, at core, united and exist as one. I do believe we each have a divine spark and connect to one another, but I also believe that a certain individuality is maintained before/after death. I really liked one thing the reverend (I feel so dumb... Are they reverends at a UU Church?) said, which was that when we have foul thoughts and behave unkindly to one aspect of the unity (any individual) we are, in fact, hurting ourselves and all the rest of existence. Despite some of my recent anger, I have been feeling positive about most people. There's no one I hate or even actively dislike. There are, however, people I don't want back in my life. I think I'm pretty caught up on my apologies and taking responsibility for my wrongdoings to other people. I want to do more, though. I would love to volunteer again. Maybe sometimes Michael and I can volunteer at the church. If it's feasible I'd like to teach English to refugees again. That was an amazing experience. I had never been treated with such profound respect. It's incredible how people can go through torture and horrific experiences, losing almost everything and everyone, but still be so full of grace and love and kindness. I like tutoring Americans, too, but I always preferred working with ESL students.

I'm in a good mood now:-) Unfortunately our bicycle tires need pumping, so we couldn't bike ride today, despite the good weather. We went for a short walk but went back before the park because I'd found chocolate all over my sweater and it was making me anxious and I had to get home to clean it:( I'm reading a bit, but I have a lot more to read tonight. I'm going to try to focus on that now and then do my usual nightly routine.

"Shamans believe that, because people are unaware that their hostile energies can penetrate others, they are unconsciously causing damage to their fellow human beings much of the time."
-pg 116, The Way of the Shaman

I believe this.

Here's one last quote from today that I really liked:

"Showing up for your life means actively participating in our own life rather than hiding and going through the motions."
-The Daily Om

Church today was beautiful, as always! But today the pianist played and sang "In the River of Dreams" by Billy Joel and a James Taylor song and the congregation sang another James Taylor song. The focus on the service was about how the earth is our paradise on earth and we have to care for it and do good in the world. However, we also can't focus on fixing everything and being perfect because that will cause burnout. We just have to do what good we can manage while being mentally healthy.

Then Michael went to move his car closer to the church and the car wouldn't start-_- That freaked me out majorly. Fortunately a church member had jumper cables and the car started immediately -- unlike a few months back when Dan's car needed jumping and it took like an hour and two different people trying to help. Michael thinks he may have left the lights on when we went into the church, but I don't know if that would be the only cause (it was only a couple hours...). I just hope that problem is over now. We plan to eventually buy a new car, but we're waiting for this one to completely die. When we do buy a new (used) car we will bring my mother and her boyfriend with us, as her boyfriend is a mechanic. Also if the car needs towing at some point we will tow to his station, which is very convenient. I was so worried about the car, though, that I only read about 75 pages of my Wicked Lovely book during the break between church and the Building Your Own Theology class.

The class was fun, again! Some of our reading had been on moral codes so we tried to come up with our own (shared) moral code. My contribution was to not seek revenge, which a girl amended with seeking justice, but not revenge. That's fine with me. I do believe people should be held responsible for their actions, I just personally find I can have a vengeful attitude and I don't want to live that way. I don't want to ever seek vengeance and I want to find ways to soothe my anger so I can deal with situations fairly and rationally, not allowing the cruelties of others to lead me to be cruel.

We also drew pictures of what we saw as God/the Absolute/the Ultimate Reality -- a picture of what we thought of that as a child, a teenager, and an adult. There was a list of names for the Ultimate Reality listed, but they were all singular, which was pointed out, which wouldn't accommodate some pagans. Though the person who pointed it out actually wasn't one of the pagans or people into earth-centered religions. I drew a picture of the cross and an old bearded man because I used to believe a lot of traditional "Christian" things when I was little. I believed God could be vengeful as well as a loving father. The my teenage years were kind of an early version of what I believe in now -- panentheism where God is in all of nature/reality and beyond it. I didn't mention that I believe God is the source of love in our existence, but I do believe that.

We had a moral discussion on how morally permissible it would be to have a baby to use the bone marrow to save your dying teenage daughter (it was an article based on the situation the book My Sister's Keeper was based on). All of us except one found it permissible. One woman didn't because she didn't think the parents would be good parents to the child and the child might not feel really loved and feel used and it would have bad repercussions for the child's feelings about herself. This woman has had difficult times with her family, feeling unaccepted and unwanted by them, so I guess she sees her situation mirrored in the one of the child being born for the bone marrow.

I disagreed even though I probably have had similar experiences to her in my family. Michael often says my parents should never have been parents and it's probably true. However, I'm an optimist and I believe that a life has so much potential and, while I think people over-breed, I don't think a child shouldn't be born just because the situation isn't ideal. I brought up the fact that I was an unexpected pregnancy and my mother nearly aborted me, but I still am glad I was born. Sometimes I feel like I was unwanted, sure, and my parents often mistreated me. But my life is so much more than that. I feel that I would feel worse as a dying teenager knowing there was something that could help keep me alive that wouldn't (likely) involve in anyone dying than I would as a child brought into the world to save my sister's life. I could deal with knowing I was born to save someone's life. After all, I can deal with the fact that my parents were pretty bad parents and I wasn't really wanted as a baby and, in many ways, my birth ruined my mother's life.

It's raining a lot today and I got soaked so when I got home I changed into pajamas and Michael made me dinner. My mother picked up my prescription today so I didn't even have to go to Walgreen's. Though I need to get Miralax soon...

Today Michael and I went to church. My power was out for a little this morning (which also means my water), but we were still able to get ready on-time and got to church early. Today's service was about ethical eating and people did speeches on veganism, vitamins in food, and the different kinds of foods available and making wise decisions(locally grown, organic, hormone-free, free-range, imported, etc.) I wish I could become vegan, but I struggle to eat a diversity of foods without any restrictions at all. And I can't cook, hate vegetables, and have a very limited budget. However, I still often feel that I'm being selfish and I should just eat food that I hate:P Someone in our membership classes spoke on vitamins in food. I really like him! He's also in my yoga class. He just seems really nice and genuine and a little eccentric. The offering song was "Be Our Guest" from Beauty and the Beast. They served yummy vegan treats after the service.

Then we had lunch and our final membership class. Michael and I officially became members of the Unitarian Universalist Church! We wrote down a pledge of how much money we will donate until the end of May. Then the new year for pledges begin and soon we will fill out a form for what we intend to donate June 2011-May 2012. It's not much, since we are on disability, but it is something. I love going there and love their programs so I would want to donate. There was some gum chewing there, so Michael had to leave for a little while. We received an envelope filled with information.

Tonight we also went to the Japanese marketplace and Michael bought me a sandwich and red bean ice cream. They were very good:-)

At our Unitarian Universalism history class we were given a worksheet that lists this about Unitarian Universalism (I really liked it so I'm repeating it here):

Sources

Unitarian Universalism draws from many sources:

-Direct experience of that transcending mystery and wonder, affirmed in all cultures, which moves us to a renewal of the spirit and an openness to the forces which create and uphold life;
-Words and deeds of prophetic women and men which challenge us to confront powers and structures of evil with justice, compassion, and the transforming power of love;
-Wisdom from the world's religions which inspires us in our ethical and spiritual life;
-Jewish and Christian teachings which call us to respond to God's love by loving our neighbors as ourselves;
-Humanist teachings which counsel us to heed the guidance of reason and the results of science, and warn us against idolatries of the mind and spirit.
-Spiritual teachings of earth-centered traditions which celebrate the sacred circle of life and instruct us to live in harmony with the rhythms of nature.

Principles

There are seven principles which Unitarian Universalism congregations affirm and promote:

-The inherent worth and dignity of every person;
-Justice, equity and compassion in human relations;
-Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations;
-A free and responsible search for truth and meaning;
-The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;
-The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all;
-Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part

I think religion can be a positive source in a person's life, but it also is easily misused and people sometimes tend to think their way is the only right way and judgment can be common. This also sometimes happens on politics; however, I find religion far more interesting than politics. I'm pretty liberal politically, but I hate politics partly because my father was so obsessed with it.

( 30 Day Meme )

I'm so excited! I think I've found a great opportunity to focus on my spirituality, learn about religion and ethics, socialize, take informal classes, and volunteer! It turns out the Unitarian Universalist Church in Naperville isn't that far from me. They also have 11:15am services, which isn't too early. Their service this Sunday sounds super interesting and Michael said he would take me. If it goes well maybe we will attend the three classes in the month of January in order to become members of the church. Everything I've read on the website I really agree with and have interest in.

http://www.dupageuuchurch.com/index.php?option=com_frontpage&Itemid=1

Even though Michael and I were both stressed early in the day, we did decide to go to the Ginza Festival in Chicago. I think we avoided some traffic by leaving in the afternoon (the Air and Water Show is always the same weekend as the Ginza Festival and causes all kinds of traffic problems). They were selling a variety of Japanese crafts and I bought two gifts, one of which will be a birthday gift for a friend. There was drumming going on on the stage part of the time, but we didn't pay close attention -- there was drumming at the Bon Dancing Festival, too. We watched the folk dancing and the classical dancing which were both very pretty and interesting. Food was expensive, though I wanted to try something new (despite the fact that I usually hate trying new foods). I ate Udon, which is cold noodles. It was weird eating them cold, but I was very hungry. Michael had a lime snowcone (but it was in a cup, not a cone). We looked at the crafts in the Buddhist temple (Mahayana Pure Land Buddhism). We saw the minister/reverend give a talk about Buddhism and we took away some free booklets. We took many pictures, which I will post to Facebook and post a few favorites on LiveJournal later. I'm very worn out now, but overall it was a good day.