Journey through Faerieland

I really want to work on being more optimistic about my own life. I tend to be optimistic when it comes to other people and situations unrelated to me, but I worry over all things to do with me specifically. I try to prepare for the worst, though worrying doesn't usually prepare me for bad things to happen -- it just amplifies my feelings of helplessness when things do go wrong. Due to the overload I experience with autism, I may always feel overload in some situations (crowds, stores, large social situations, etc.) and I may feel awkward having to do small talk while not really knowing how to do it. Medications often helps those situations to some extent (Ritalin LA especially).

However, I have to control my more generalized anxiety with specific worries. Lately it has been a fear of my mother dying; I am still very reliant on her and, due to my disabilities, I probably will be until my mother is too sick or old to help. I hope to take care of her if she does get sick at some point and I would love to have her live with us in such a situation. I really don't want my mother to die... I'm very attached to her in many different ways. Worrying about the situation won't help any, though. People eventually die; it is an inevitability.

I want to enjoy life and appreciate living in the moment instead of obsessing about what happened or what could happen. My life is, overall, quite good. I am very fortunate in many ways and I do feel that way. I just worry about losing everything. I want to trust the universe in God. I can get through any difficulty. Sometimes there will be struggles, but I can still make the best of the situation, learn from it, continue loving and find happiness in all the little things going right. I want to learn to be more easy-going. I may always be a planner and a cautious person, but I can find ways to relax and be more accepting of reality, instead of always feeling like I have to fight reality.

Today is the tenth anniversary of my father's death. He did a lot of bad things, but I miss him more as time passes.

Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Taking this literally, I guess I could live without anyone, as long as there were still other people around. And I could live without anything other than food, water, shelter, etc. But I would find it very difficult to live without someone who could help me (the way Michael and my mother do). I can't live independently. So that's very important, though there are various people who could fill this role for me. And I would find it very difficult to live without love, both having people to love and being loved in return. I was very isolated in adolescence and couldn't get really close to friends due to my family situation and I wasn't close to my family. That was hard, though I wasn't depressed. I was just dissociated. I don't think I could do that again, though. People are too important to me.


( 30 Day Meme )

At my mother's today I spent most of my time playing Solitaire on my computer:P I could have started reading the last Harry Potter book (my uncle brought it with him), but I felt like I couldn't concentrate. Dinner was good (my mother cooked). Opening presents was fun. My aunt and uncle gave me a really pretty white sweater (there were no pink sweaters and my aunt remembered I also like the color white). My aunt and uncle also gave me a $75 gift certificate to amazon with which I bought The Care Bears: 25th Anniversary dvd set, Fantasia/Fantasia 2000 dvd set, Mining the Soul (Jungian psychology), The Spiritual Enneagram, and Literary Lost (about the television series Lost). My mother's boyfriend gave me a $50 gift certificate to Victoria's Secret and I immediately got on the computer to use it before everything I like is sold out in their semi-annual sale. There was one pair of pajamas left in a design I like (dark blue fading into yellow with snowflakes); they're styled after Long John's/thermal underwear. I also bought a sweater in the color "wine tweed." I went a little over my gift card at each place, which was expected. My mother's boyfriend also gave me his gift certificate to the salon/spa his sister always gives my mother and him gift certificates to; he hates that stuff.

Tonight Michael and I will probably watch the Charlie Brown Christmas special on hulu.com and something called "Father Christmas" which is on his dvd of "The Snowman" which he didn't bring.

I hope everyone else that celebrates has had a good Christmas!:D

Today has been a good day so far. I didn't feel anxious today, even before taking Ritalin LA. My mood has been stable. My mother cooked and we ate around 1pm. Then my brother, Michael, and I played Disney Princesses Uno. Michael won most of the games and I won the least:P We watched South Park episodes, too. Now Michael and I are going to put up my Christmas tree. Tomorrow after my mother drops my brother off at work she, Michael, and myself will go to the library (I'm desperate to read the Harry Potter books now after seeing the last movie!) and to Town Square in Wheaton. There I will go to Victoria's Secret, which will probably be very crowded, but hopefully not as crowded as the mall Victoria's Secret will be. I haven't heard about any special in-person sales. I know their semi-annual sale isn't here, at least. I'm hoping that will help keep things under control. I am only going there for (hopefully!) one pair of underwear. I love the design but it's sold out in my size online. I have seen them in two Victoria's Secrets this month but didn't buy them then because they didn't have a couple other designs I wanted and I wanted to get 5/$25. I did buy 5/$25 today online because of free shipping today and that's when I found out the underwear I want is not available in "pink snowflakes":( $8.50 seems expensive for a pair of underwear (and I kind of want to get two if I see two in my size>_>), but I am very stubborn and really want them. I spent too much this month because there were so many sales. I at least don't feel too bad about buying Lost, season 6 for $24 on amazon.com earlier (with no shipping paid), because now it's back up to $41 on amazon. I'm sure a lot of stores will have it cheaper than that for the sales, but I haven't yet seen it cheaper than $24. Tonight we will watch the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special and the Garfield Thanksgiving special. I hope everyone is having a great day today, whether or not you celebrate Thanksgiving:D

Also my brother and I were talking about Harry Potter (he loves it) and which house we would be sorted into. I would probably be Ravenclaw (though I didn't used to think that, despite "book smarts," other than art, being about my only strong point). Luna is in Ravenclaw and I can identify with her a bit, so I suppose that works. I insisted my brother would be Slytherin (trying to kill my mother and me, threatening to burn the house down, etc.) and he said no way, because he isn't evil. I brought up the aformentioned offenses and he looked at me like I was crazy. My mother was in the room and said he seems to have no memory of those sociopathic years he spent on cocaine and dxm. Three years ago he spent Christmas, New Year's, and his birthday in jail. He also didn't want to play Scrabble with Michael and me (which is why we played Uno) because he said he played it too much in jail.

My father and I getting up early at the Polynesian Resort at Disney World and him buying me a cheese Danish at the snack shop and then going to the pool with the waterfalls and slide to swim before my mother and brother got up and we went to a theme park. I miss my father often now.

( 30 Day Meme List )

I'm feeling in a little cheerier mood right now. I don't really know why. My nose is still runny and my eyelids are puffy and red so I still feel gross. I'm going to try reading in a minute. I lost my place in my book so I have to go search for where I was. Right now I'm not really having obsessive thoughts besides the nostalgia, and it feels like a more positive nostalgia right now. I'm going to try hard to focus on the present and enjoying the present. Last night I was actually able to sleep without pain or feeling like I was going to vomit. I'm going to the bathroom again (though I did take Miralax again yesterday morning...) Hopefully all will stay improved now. I forgot to add to my gratitudes last night the "Get Well" card my friend Maria sent me. I have great friends... I'd like to make an appointment for an eye exam and more contacts, but I don't know how much it will cost and I likely have a bunch of medical bills that will come in. That probably won't be for a little while, though, so maybe I can even have that appointment later this month. I miss wearing contacts... I don't like myself in glasses. I'm glad my mother is returning today. Maybe one night while Michael is gone I will spend the night at my mother's house or my mother's boyfriend's house. It tends to soothe me and feels very relaxing. After Michael leaves I'm going to put on My Little Pony and Care Bears. I also need to watch a lot more of Gargoyles on youtube.

Today my mother, brother, Michael and I went to "Swedish Days" in Geneva. It's like a big fair with lots of crafts and food -- especially Swedish food, though there was also carnival food. I wish I were less afraid of trying new foods:-/ Michael bought a frog marionette and we went into the Scandinavian gift shop. It made me really want to go to a Scandinavian country... I want to visit so many places, but I really want to visit a Scandinavian country someday (I can't decide which one). I definitely want to read some folktales/fairy tales from Sweden and Norway. Michael and I also went into a used record shop. Geneva is really nice; we almost moved there when I was 1 year old, but we moved to Glen Ellyn instead.

My brother is trying to make a deal with my mother that he will do certain things if she takes him (and, by association, me) on a trip to Disney World. I think it would be foolish if she gives into him, but at the same time I desperately hope she agrees. My brother has been much more behaved lately and seems to enjoy working.

I slept a super-long time again. Now I'm waiting for Michael and his friend Dan to arrive so we can go to Chicago today. Then I will spend the night at Michael's house and tomorrow after his dentist appointment we will come back to my house and I will go to volunteering orientation with April for the no-kill cat shelter. Hopefully I arrive back home before April gets here, but she could at least get my mother to let her in my house if I have to come home later than when she will be able to be dropped off. Michael has a bunch of library books for me to read and I want to read more of my Borges Collected Fictions book. I haven't read it in a long time. It's not so hot here today. I'm babysitting my mother's dog because she's gardening and the dog was getting neurotic. Bunny is scared of him and is spending most of her time high up where the dog can't get her (though the dog just wants to be friends). So far my mood is fine today and I'm looking forward to spending time with people.

I slept in really late today, even though I didn't go to bed late. I had some intense dreams again, which tends to be associate with me sleeping a long time. The only dream I remember, though, is debating with some people who was better, Britney Spears when she was first becoming popular, or Christina Aguilera. I defended Britney and said she seemed a lot nicer than Christina Aguilera and it didn't matter to me if she was not that intelligent. I liked that Britney Spears had bipolar, like me.

When I did get up I ate oatmeal and talked to my mother. We went into Wheaton to see the fair, but there weren't many crafts there:-( She bought me and my brother some food afterward, which was nice of her. It rained here all last night and morning, I guess, but I didn't hear any of it. I'd like it to rain again because I love the rain.

For now I will probably try to finish reading The Silver Chair.