Journey through Faerieland

My stomach was bothering me again this morning. It seems to be worst in the morning... It might be because I take my nightly medication on an empty stomach. Then I ate Raisinets:P I did take Zofran for my stomach, but eating chocolate on an already bothered, empty stomach isn't a good idea for me. Oatmeal tends to give me a stomachache, too, so I should probably wait awhile before having some. I wish I still had Ovaltine so I could have chocolate milk...

I'm hoping to achieve more today than I did yesterday. I'm watching VH1 and it's so easy to get sucked into its nonsense>_< I watched their OCD program (which reminded me to call Michael to remind him to call the local OCD therapist again). I really liked the big man who was afraid of being a killer. He looked scary, but he was so sweet! I really didn't agree with something they made someone do as exposure therapy (I think his name was Kevin?) He is afraid of hexing people accidentally so they made him do a hex with candles in this creepy psych ward room, condemning him and his family to hell. I have religious scrupulosity obsessions and used to do really long, obsessive prayers (that I've managed to get a bit under control), so I really empathized with this person and I do not think it's right to make someone do a "hex" if it's against their religious beliefs. Maybe the more science-oriented therapists don't see it as a big deal, but a lot of people have religious beliefs that would cause them to differ. I would have freaked out if I was forced to do a hex, too, without saying a prayer afterward to "undo" it.

"First is the preparation stage, when you identify what brings you joy, satisfaction, and engagement, and also what brings you guilt, anger, boredom, and remorse." From: http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/start-.html
I am going to try to start my own "Happiness Project," but my resolutions will basically be the same as the 101 Things to Do in 1,001 Days. I might make a shorter list for this project or I may just make different, related lists.

I'm putting this under a cut because it's so long:

( What Makes Me Happy )



( What Makes Me Unhappy )

Here's something I wrote someone in an email about my spiritual beliefs:

My father was Irish Roman Catholic (not practicing, though he went to Catholic school) and my mother is a Scandinavian Lutheran (mixed in with a variety of other beliefs like reincarnation). I wasn't raised that religiously, at least not directly. I did spend 3 years at Catholic school and I went to Sunday school (like church classes) at a Lutheran church for a few years when I was quite young. I believe in God and pray daily, and I do believe in Jesus, but I don't tend to think of him as the same as God. I think it's quite possible a person like Jesus existed, regardless of whether miracles were involved, but I do believe in miracles (and I think even if things are later explained scientifically it doesn't make the world less magical).

I believe everything is occurring at the same time and we are just limited by our brains into seeing things sequentially and with time, but after death/not inside bodies we see our lives and everything else spread out right before us. We understand other people and creatures and all sorts of things much better when not in bodies/in this time/space existence. I believe in reincarnation, but that it's optional, and though we are supposed to learn things from life it is not straightforward and it's not where people who are good in one life get a better life in the next incarnation or anything like that. I try to learn from my life and my mistakes (which I make a lot of), and though I've often been very depressed in more recent years, I never think life has been "unfair" to me. So many people suffer so much worse...

I think it is our duties to cause as little pain as possible and to do as much as possible to help other living beings to be happy, comfortable, and learning along their own path. I believe plants and animals all have souls, and I believe in the potential for more vague nature spirits, and that possibly every living thing (and possibly unliving) has a soul and that we are all connected to God/part of God lives within us. I believe all souls are innately pure and good and it's ignorance (or sometimes biological issues) that cause us to be intentionally cruel or destructive. Even though God is always with us, I think we're on a constant movement closer/further to/from God in our journeys. I like a lot of Origen's religious opinions/writings.

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I don't have strict beliefs on what happens after death, having no memories of an afterlife following an incarnation, but I do have some beliefs that feel right to me. I believe all living beings (and possibly nonliving) have souls that are immortal. I believe eternity is the natural state of the universe, that all things really occur simultaneously and time is an illusion. I believe there is another plane of existence besides earth and that our souls also reside there. I also believe at least some souls reincarnate. I don't believe these reincarnations are a punishment of some sort, though I do believe there is at least some degree of choice involved.

Today I got some confusing not-so-fun-mail as well as some really fun mail (2 books -- gifts from a friend!). One was on totems and one is based on a fairy tale and is called East (Based on East of the Sun, West of the Moon). I already read the totem book. I relate to the idea of having totems and here are three I relate to in different ways, rabbit being the more generalized one.

( My Totems )

I'm reading Purity of the Heart is to Will One Thing, by Soren Kierkegaard, one of my favorite authors. I really relate to his ideals and experiences. This book has been very uplifting for me and I agree with a lot of it. He's a Christian writer, but this book has a lot of Buddhist undertones and in many ways is practical about coping through life and maintaining a desire to create love in the world. So I would recommend it, certainly, for non-Christians, as well. I'm about halfway through right now.

Quotes that are helping me right now:

"But here on earth, Good is often temporarily rewarded by ingratitude, by lack of appreciation, by poverty, by contempt, by many sufferings, and now and then by death. It is not this reward to which we refer when we say that the Good has its reward. Yet this is the reward that comes in the external world and that comes first of all. And it is precisely this reward which the man is anxious about, who wills the Good for the sake of no reward" (72).

"Oh, Though the Good's wonderful at-oneness with thyself that protects thee from being deceived! When, for the sake of the reward, a double-minded person only pretends to will the Good, and he seems to get the reward, nevertheless he does not get it. For that which he gets, he does not get as reward--for the Good. So far is he from getting it as reward that rather at that very moment that he receives the Good, he discovers that the reward has vanished" (73).

I forgot when I was really depressed how much better reading Kierkegaard could make me feel. Looking back on everything that has happened recently, I possibly relate even better to what Kierkegaard wrote. It all makes sense to me in my life and my hardest times, as well as my ideals and highest goals. There's still a lot more by him I want to read... My approach toward life and my more religious experiences make sense and fit very well with his ideas (and his experiences in some ways, from what little I know of his actual life experiences...) Focusing on all of that, his philosophy and my feelings/thoughts in my greatest and most transcendent states of mind, helps me move forward and not shatter so terrible. It all reminds me of how I blow things out of proportion, hyperfocus on details that really don't affect (or at least don't hurt) anyone but me. I need to "get over myself" in a lot of ways, get out of myself instead of dwelling on the past and getting lost in my emotions and desires. I know I'm not the most selfish person ever to exist, I'm not saying that or making some kind of exaggeration, but there is a distinct correlation between my deepest points of selfishness/self-centered concern and my deepest depression/most cruel acts. The more I feel I'm transcending my "self," the more relaxed and strong I feel. I don't know, I just hope someday to become a better person. There are so many things I am trying to work on and be aware of.