Journey through Faerieland

"Don't bend; don't water it down; don't try to make it logical; don't edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly."
- Franz Kafka

Sometimes I wonder if I do have Avoidant Personality Disorder because I often won't read the comments or communicate with someone I disagree with. I will sometimes state my view and maybe listen to what they first say in response, but after that I try to escape because the situation will only upset me further and people tend to stick with their own preferred beliefs, regardless of what others say (I try not to be that way, but I, too, prefer my own opinions usually). I love doing creative activities like art and writing, but I'm not overjoyed at the thoughts of sharing it in any kind of competitive format or a situation where it's likely to be judged. I like seeing others' work and I'm not a good critic aside from beginners at art or with grammar so I tend to focus on what I like when I see others' work. When I show my work on LiveJournal or Deviant Art I'm usually open to suggestions, but it doesn't feel like I'm competing with anyone else - just myself. Also I usually am not totally satisfied with my work, even if I like a specific piece; I always think I should practice more before really showing it to the world or looking into competitive or professional formats to get more feedback or maybe have some success. It makes me really overwhelmed or anxious to send out a query letter, write up a letter or resume, submit slides, etc.

So being alone so much, being hesitant to communicate on instant messengers, refusing to look at potential conflicts, finding criticism hard unless I divorce myself emotionally from what I produced, etc. lead me to wonder if I do have Avoidant Personality Disorder like I was diagnosed by my psychologist who did all the personality tests, IQ test, etc. on me. However, she's the only one that diagnosed me with that condition and it was based on my personality tests high anxiety scores/high Avoidant Personality Disorder score. I often don't know how to respond to questions on tests like that, though, so I don't know how accurate it was. It's true I do have a lot of anxiety... I desperately want to be close to people, yet I fear bothering people in any way and that leads me to avoid a lot of situations even anxious people don't usually have a problem with. I'm always first to volunteer for an unpleasant task due to my anxiety about bothering people. I think those tests were right in showing my PTSD scores as much higher than my depression scores, an unusually low score on Antisocial Personality Disorder traits (12%, I think, when 50% is average), and a low Schizoid Personality Disorder score (30-something%). I am definitely Bipolar, though, and I scored in the average range on that. So the tests definitely aren't full-proof... I also think my IQ test results overestimate my abilities, which is rarely what I hear other people say. I am really not all that knowledgeable a person and my memory is in shambles since returning to Zyprexa. I'm also slow. I do have some strong points related to critical thinking, though, I will admit. I believe I learned that from dealing with my mentally ill, yet intelligent and clever, father and from my great tutors in high school.

It's not even that I hope for a positive response when I open myself up to critique/criticism -- I just feel embarrassed easily and dissatisfied with my level of work. Right now I don't want to show any of my work, except maybe some poems. I would send stories or art to people who asked to see it, though, in a casual way. And I will keep posting my art to Deviant Art and here, since LiveJournal feels like a safer way for me to express myself. People of all ability levels show their work on these kinds of sites, after all. I don't want to give up my creative activities and in recent years poetry writing especially has started to help me emotionally. I just don't need external validation to keep trying to improve my abilities or work on creative activities.

I also enjoy scrapbooking, which is creative, even though I'm not impressive at scrapbooking (at all). I'd kind of like to make an art journal where I write down things that inspire me or little poems/poem bits with pictures I draw or collage. It sounds like a lot of work, though, and I tend to be pretty simple in the kind of art I do. I'm reading a book that kind of makes me feel better about the last novel I wrote, despite my disinterest at the moment of querying. The book Shanghai Girls by Lisa See is about two sisters over the course of their life. It doesn't have a clear-cut "plot" exactly... There are a number of subplots in my last novel, but the overall "plot" is mostly just the growth and maturity of the protagonist over the course of several years.

For my next novel I want to write a young adult fantasy novel that does have a clear-cut plot. I'm going to incorporate fantasy and plot elements I like from all sorts of formats, but mostly fantasy-oriented -- other fantasy books, anime, live-action and animated fantasy, fairy tales, etc. I'm going to work on more brainstorming on that later today. I also will hopefully start drawing human figures again tomorrow, for practice. I'm out of canvases and need to buy some more this week. Then I will paint again with acrylics. I want to paint detailed Impressionism-type paintings like I used to do. I've veered a little away from that recently and some of my paintings I think are too simplistic. I will photograph the last few and post them soon. They're not very impressive, though. Oh well, I like to remind myself even when my writing or art doesn't turn out as good as I'd like that I'm still learning. Sometimes I can put the work aside for awhile and then fix it -- sometimes I just let it sit or even paint over it. I have a giant canvas I'm not satisfied with, but I'm not sure if I want to just paint over it. I'm also not sure how to improve it, though:-/

I must be putting the wrong contacts in the wrong eyes or something. I tried putting them in the opposite eye a little while ago and didn't notice a difference, but I might have messed up and put them back in the same eyes. I will try switching them again tomorrow. I just took them out and tried my glasses and I see just fine! This is a big relief. I can easily put off seeing the eye doctor for awhile still and hopefully won't need a prescription change and can just order more contacts. One less immediate financial burden to worry about. And my sensitive tooth hasn't been bothering me, so hopefully I can hold off on the dentist, too.

My mother wants me to switch gynecologists because she thinks the one I was recommended is too far away. I like this gynecologist so I'm hoping to avoid that. Also I would be in the middle of getting diagnosed and getting treatment and a new doctor might want a different approach or disagree with this doctor. What I hope is that in my surgery they find endometriosis and can remove some of it and my pain is alleviated. But if it isn't, I will probably start treatments of Lupron. I would really rather not go on Lupron, but I'm willing to try it. I would only be on it a maximum of six months. I don't think I'd have to see the gynecologist that often, so I'm hoping I can stay with this gynecologist until my Lupron treatments are up, if I indeed get them.

I went in to turn in my 24 hour urine sample and take my blood tests. I had to wait a little while, but it was worth it because the phlebotomist (or nurse or whatever she is) was really good. I barely felt a prick. And I also didn't get dizzy and vomit after getting my blood drawn, like I have before. I was worried I would since I had been fasting and it was two large vials and two small vials. I was quite nervous! I'm glad that's done with.

Then we went to Target where it was crowded and there were some mix ups and I got very overloaded and returned to the car early. I was overloaded the rest of the trip home and just took a Klonopin when I came inside. Michael was agitated too. Now he's at the library with my mother. I have been reading Love Hina manga. I might return to Mists of Avalon later. And I want to paint. For now I will probably just eat.

I didn't mention this, but my filled tooth was hurting because I had a piece of food stuck around it. I was flossing, but it was deep. I feel really stupid now for going back to the dentist, but he didn't charge anything.

Well I don't qualify for LASIK still, and probably never will:-( My cornea is too messed up. If my vision were a lot better and they only needed to alter my eye a little they might be able to, but that's not the case. There is another procedure I might qualify for, but it's a lot more expensive. I'm tempted to go in for an appointment if they also do free consultations at this other place, just to see if they also would reject me. I can't justify spending more than I already thought LASIK would cost for me. I'd been planning it since I was 16. But they do make lots of progress scientifically all the time, so maybe someday something will come along (or be affordable). It does make me sad, but I expected this to happen. I will stick to glasses and contacts, though neither of those is ideal for me. I also have this dislike of wearing glasses because it reminds me of the time period I got made fun of for my appearance/ugliness:-(

I am going to try and get a lot of housecleaning done today. We also go grocery shopping so I have to get rid of old food. I need more space in my kitchen...

I will do more scrapbooking today, in preparation for Alaska photographs. I'll look for some other memorabilia I can use. Also, I got this really wonderful fairy tale-themed scrapbooking paper!! I forgot to mention that yesterday. I'm using some of that. It's really great:D

I'm supposed to go to another LASIK consultation tomorrow. Last year my cornea was too thin and I was told to come back in a year to make sure my cornea didn't get thinner (I guess if it stays where it is, there's a possibility some type of eye procedure can be done). I'm kind of nervous, but I basically expect rejection this time.

I'm trying to do some cleaning and completing of some tasks. Small steps toward organization. Tomorrow if all goes well I will be going to see a friend, and Wednesday is my doctor's appointment (one month since my last one, about my stomach/abdominal issues). I keep going back and forth mentally about how I should even try to describe what I feel physically. If I feel okay at a specific moment in time I tend to think there's no issue at all; I should cancel my doctor's appointment. Then I'm throwing up and doubled over with abdominal cramps for no obvious reason, and I just want someone to stick me with needles filled with painkillers and nausea medication. Today has been a good day for me physically, so it is a day where I feel like a hypochondriac. It's true, though, that even on these good days I do spend hours in the morning quite nauseated, but if I can manage to sleep I don't notice it, and even if I'm just half-asleep it's all a blur. Just so long as I don't have to stand up...

We shall see. I know my doctor wants to run more tests on me, but I feel like a hypochondriac (as I said); I was raised to think that way. When I went spontaneously blind in one eye my mother thought I made it up for attention (I'm not sure why, as you can't even get out of school for suddenly being blind in one eye... Not unless you're getting surgery (which I did, to reattach my retina, maybe six months after it happened and I finally remembered to bring it up to the optometrist -- who didn't notice my left eye blindness at my previous appointment).) Oh, memories.

Yesterday I had my appointment for contacts, which I haven't had in a long time due to not wearing contacts much (because of my eye problems I wrote a ton about last year). The doctor I saw was surprised my surgeon said I could wear contacts again (he did, he just said to be careful). Now I have to use some kind of hydrogen peroxide solution to soak my soft contacts in overnight, and I have to use a can of saline to moisturize them, because canned saline is preservative-free. She went into how unusual my eye situation is, blah, blah, same as always. She thinks I might also be developing an allergy to typical contact solutions because they can make my eyes sting. She wanted me to try some kind of new daily disposable contacts, but they are really expensive, so I'm not doing that. My eyelid surgeon wanted me to get some kind of Lasik eye surgery, and this woman did as well, and they always go into how many different ways there are to do the surgery now. I started looking into Lasik and similar procedures when I was 16, and last year I was told by two doctors that I can't get it. One doctor said my pupils are too big, the other said my left cornea is dangerously thin. My left eye is already near useless for me, compared to the right. My left retina spontaneously detached itself when I was 15 and I was completely blind in that eye for 6 months (I didn't realize this was a real problem, nor did I know how to express it in any way anyone took seriously -- it's considered to require emergency surgery so 6 months is a very long time). I'm lucky I have any sight in my left eye back, but my vision is only so correctable in it... Meaning, continuing to increase my prescription wouldn't make the vision any clearer; a prescription helps a lot, but my left eye pretty much just stays annoyingly blurry (but much better than it could have been; I used to not be able to see light even). So I just hope nothing bad happens to my right eye! My right eyelid, though, was the one with all the scar tissue from contacts.

I was recommended to start wearing contacts (hard lenses if possible for me, which it wasn't, and I'm fortunate since that would have probably made my eyelid scarring much worse than with the soft lenses). My prescription kept getting worse with glasses, but completely stabilized after I switched to contacts. I used to always break my glasses, they always felt dirty to me, always fell down my nose and got in the way, and there was always tons of glare (even with the expensive lenses to prevent them). Not to mention in vision screening I simply do not see nearly as well with glasses as with contacts, even with the same prescription. I really hate glasses, though I wear them nearly as often as contacts since my contacts problems.

I think I get to re-see the doctor about Lasik in January (he suggested I come back in a year to check on my cornea). I really really want some kind of surgery on my eyes, just so long as I don't go blind in my right eye.