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I just got back last night from spending a week in a (very bad) psych ward. My brother and I got into a fight and he was following me around telling me how worthless I was and how I belonged in a psych ward; I started crying, rocking, covering my ears and saying I would either run away or kill myself because I couldn't live with him. My mother called my psychiatrist who told her to admit me to the psych ward. I was going to be recommended to do outpatient, but I had difficulty understanding the assessor's questions and answered some incorrectly and he said I was just playing with semantics and I got mad at him and tried to leave, but the doors were locked. I panicked and started crying, screaming, pawing at the door, etc. (they didn't warn me I was going to be locked in) so they whisked me away.
It was overcrowded with people acting crazy, screaming, getting sent to the "quiet" room and getting big shots. Fortunately, it was so overcrowded that me and some of the other "well-behaved" females were moved to the eating disorder wing, and those people were moved to the empty children's unit. That was much better, but it still took me 7 days to get out even though I started working on getting discharged right away. I was recommended to stay at least 9 days and because I pretty much refused to eat their slop they wanted me to spend 4 weeks in the eating disorder unit. I told one nurse I had major issues relating to PTSD with being controlled (the same nurse who called me anorexic in front of the group and said I showed 6 or 7 prominent characteristics of an eating disorder). She said "the way we deal with PTSD and eating disorders is by putting you in a situation so you hit rock-bottom and then you slowly crawl out of it." WTF!? If someone is raped, for instance, you don't have them raped again and again to make them "get over it!" I didn't tell her this, but if they tried to keep me in the eating disorder unit I would have refused to eat *anything,* quit speaking, and pulled out any feeding tubes and IVs they'd try to put in me. Essentially, they would have to put me in restraints, which I also wouldn't handle well.
They keep telling you to "work on your illness," but a lot of the time they don't even *tell* you your "illness" until you're being discharged. Mine was apparently "major depression with anxiety and communication impairment." I kept telling them I wasn't depressed, but they didn't care. Nobody communicated properly with anyone else; it was a mess. At one point I confronted my caseworker when she told me I'd have to stay longer and she said I had an illness, so I asked her what my illness was. She said "an illness with anger." I asked what the name of it was; she said "it doesn't have a name"@_@. I wasn't even acting particularly angry during my stay there or prior to my stay. I was manically happy when I finally escaped (though they did do stuff to try and prevent it) and I'm seeing my psychologist tonight. She was on vacation all last week so she couldn't help me. I'm never seeing my psychiatrist again. He said it would be a good "rest" for me.
I'm at a family friend's house now because I'm not allowed to live with my brother and my mother thinks he needs to be monitored so she won't kick him out. She's going to rent me an apartment soon, though, and I might be able to get another cat. I have now learned that I am willing to live in almost any living conditions as long as I'm not locked up. I have a story to tell about a girl I was with in there, but it's kind of long, so I will do it later.
It was overcrowded with people acting crazy, screaming, getting sent to the "quiet" room and getting big shots. Fortunately, it was so overcrowded that me and some of the other "well-behaved" females were moved to the eating disorder wing, and those people were moved to the empty children's unit. That was much better, but it still took me 7 days to get out even though I started working on getting discharged right away. I was recommended to stay at least 9 days and because I pretty much refused to eat their slop they wanted me to spend 4 weeks in the eating disorder unit. I told one nurse I had major issues relating to PTSD with being controlled (the same nurse who called me anorexic in front of the group and said I showed 6 or 7 prominent characteristics of an eating disorder). She said "the way we deal with PTSD and eating disorders is by putting you in a situation so you hit rock-bottom and then you slowly crawl out of it." WTF!? If someone is raped, for instance, you don't have them raped again and again to make them "get over it!" I didn't tell her this, but if they tried to keep me in the eating disorder unit I would have refused to eat *anything,* quit speaking, and pulled out any feeding tubes and IVs they'd try to put in me. Essentially, they would have to put me in restraints, which I also wouldn't handle well.
They keep telling you to "work on your illness," but a lot of the time they don't even *tell* you your "illness" until you're being discharged. Mine was apparently "major depression with anxiety and communication impairment." I kept telling them I wasn't depressed, but they didn't care. Nobody communicated properly with anyone else; it was a mess. At one point I confronted my caseworker when she told me I'd have to stay longer and she said I had an illness, so I asked her what my illness was. She said "an illness with anger." I asked what the name of it was; she said "it doesn't have a name"@_@. I wasn't even acting particularly angry during my stay there or prior to my stay. I was manically happy when I finally escaped (though they did do stuff to try and prevent it) and I'm seeing my psychologist tonight. She was on vacation all last week so she couldn't help me. I'm never seeing my psychiatrist again. He said it would be a good "rest" for me.
I'm at a family friend's house now because I'm not allowed to live with my brother and my mother thinks he needs to be monitored so she won't kick him out. She's going to rent me an apartment soon, though, and I might be able to get another cat. I have now learned that I am willing to live in almost any living conditions as long as I'm not locked up. I have a story to tell about a girl I was with in there, but it's kind of long, so I will do it later.
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no subject
Date: 2004-08-24 02:30 pm (UTC)From:I'm glad that you're not living with your brother though. He sounds awful!
no subject
Date: 2004-08-24 02:56 pm (UTC)From:I'm sorry you had such an awful time of it this last week.
I'm thinking of you and hoping it gets better...
no subject
Date: 2004-08-24 02:58 pm (UTC)From:I was wondering where you were because you hadn't updated in a while. That psych ward sounded awfully rough and crazy, and they didn't seem to understand what the hell was going on!
no subject
Date: 2004-08-24 04:31 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2004-08-24 04:43 pm (UTC)From:I thought you were at a wedding or something, otherwise I would have been worrying.
*more hugs*
At least you are away from your brother now. If you are anything like me you'll like having your own space.
From memory you weren't sure about if you'd be able to look after yourself? I'd suggest if you could get some kind of cleaner to come in occassionally it would help, I know I could do with one *sigh*.
Try to stock the kitchen with easy thing you like to eat. If you do lists at all I'd suggest a list of food ideas, the ingredients etc. so that if you know that you should eat but can't figure out what you'll have a concrete list to look at.
*offer of more hugs"
no subject
Date: 2004-08-24 05:24 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2004-08-24 05:39 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2004-08-24 05:39 pm (UTC)From:Holy crap
Date: 2004-08-24 05:39 pm (UTC)From:Re: Holy crap
Date: 2004-08-24 05:40 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2004-08-24 05:50 pm (UTC)From:I knew this wasn't going to go well. *hugs again*
no subject
Date: 2004-08-24 06:10 pm (UTC)From:Welcome back!
Date: 2004-08-24 05:57 pm (UTC)From: (Anonymous)- Angel
Re: Welcome back!
Date: 2004-08-24 06:05 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2004-08-25 01:20 am (UTC)From:I'm really sorry about the psych ward thing, and really wish I had something to say that could actually help. This is why I fear the psych community as a whole so much, and worry about the group home thing. Once you're considered mentally incapable of caring for yourself, whatever they want to do goes, even messed-up ideas like that. Nothing you can say, nothing you can do. People wind up severely damaged by those that claimed to help. And, of course, any sign of distress is 'proof' that they're right about you and 'proof' that you need what they're doing to you. I've heard of good psych wards (I have a friend who checks herself in when her depression reaches a certain level. Though her depression makes her especially sensitive to what problems there are, it's not so bad for her.) but the nightmare prison potential is so high. (Well, I doubt that did much to improve your mood. I really wish I had something more helpful to say.)
I'm glad that it's over, and that you're essentially undamaged, and especially that you're away from your socio brother! Even if it took this, I think in the long run, it might actually be for the best, if it resulted in getting him out of your hair for good. (I hope it's for good.) Try not to feel like you're imposing. People are aware of their resources. Whoever's taking you in wouldn't do so if they didn't have the means. (As for asking/accepting things from others in general: The world's done enough to you that you deserve a break. You can't turn down the bad, so take the good, too, and enjoy it.) I hope the apartment works out, and the cat. (I know a lot of auties are cat maniacs, and I know how much love and comfort an animal can bring. Get three cats if you can support them.)
And I would like to hear the story of the girl.
Oh, and if you're ever up late at night, there's a community for insomniacs. Right now, there's only four of us (me,
http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=thenightshiftab
Thank heavens you're ok
Date: 2004-08-25 03:06 am (UTC)From:Re: Thank heavens you're ok
Date: 2004-08-25 12:56 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2004-08-25 05:18 am (UTC)From:Well, living by yourself is scary initially, but when it comes to things like leaving the stove on, etc, I found that when you own your space and no one is intruding, you somehow become more attuned to everything. And taking care of basic stuff like food, cleaning, etc initially seems overwhelming but you learn in a couple of years. It took me a number of years of living on my own to get the basics down. What matters is that you're going to be independent and away from a very bad situation.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-25 01:03 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2004-08-25 08:02 am (UTC)From:What are you going to do with respect to transportation once you get the apartment, anyway? That's what would worry me the most, for reasons I've ranted about so many times already...
no subject
Date: 2004-08-25 12:59 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2004-08-25 09:26 am (UTC)From:I've had plenty of power-games played on me by people in the "helping" professions (the "semantics" accusation is all too familiar), but I've never been held captive. I think about the only thing one can do to avoid that is to never say or do anything that would give those people an excuse to play the "danger to self or others" card. But even that can be difficult.
It's absolutely horrible what you were put through. I've seen enough, and been frightened enough to know how utterly inhumane those places are. No matter how polite and compliant I may try to be, there's something in my demeanor that makes those people obsessed with breaking my will and sabotaging identity. I honestly don't know that I would have survived.
I'm so terribly sorry that you were forced to endure that. It makes me angry, and very, very sad.
I think the bottom line with those people is that we're just not even human in their eyes.
:-(
no subject
Date: 2004-08-25 01:01 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 10:16 pm (UTC)From:My story about a psych ward is short and simple: at 18, I was admitted to a private hospital for depression, and conveniently the recommended length of stay corresponded with the max amount of my parent's private insurance. Makes one wonder about motives. My stay wasn't as horrid as yours, but I would definitely have to say that the mental health "professionals" who "treated" me were not professionals nor very conducive to mental health. Go figure.
I'm so glad you are out and safe and away from your brother. He needs some major help. The saddest thing is how he has singled you out as a scapegoat. At least you get to have your own place now. Just please make sure you take care of yourself, whatever that entails in your case. Maybe your mom can drop off meals so that you don't have to think about them...
Thinking about you. Warm vibes, --(you know, I was about to write my real name and then realized that I don't make that public on livejournal, so, simple --me)
no subject
Date: 2004-09-04 07:58 pm (UTC)From: