OCD-NOS

[unico_love]

I went to my PTSD psychologist today, with Michael. I talked about how bad my obsessions were, especially about people. She thinks I might have OCD-Not Otherwise Specified and I'm going to ask my psychiatrist about it. My former (horrible) psychiatrist diagnosed me with that and OCD is always on the "rule out" list for me, it's just that I have so many other diagnoses. I have some typical OCD compulsions and obviously very bad obsessions. Michael says my thought obsessions are a lot worse than his. Also autistics have traits of OCD (like obsessive interests, etc.) so my brain might already be wired in a way to make it easier for me to become OCD. My psychologist doesn't think I have a personality disorder. On one site I looked up Borderline Personality Disorder at it said that a good outcome was more likely in individuals with "obsessive traits." That made me think if I was Borderline I must be the highest functioning one there is because my whole problem is obsessions.

I have a ton of diagnoses/diagnoses I meet that are all obsessive compulsive in orgin: anorexia, body dysmorphia, etc. OCD is an anxiety disorder and I have terrible anxiety. I'm diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and my other psychologist diagnosed me with Avoidant Personality Disorder (which she said to think of as "severe General Anxiety Disorder"). Even though I'm Bipolar and get depressive episodes, I was never depressed as a child (I was an anxious child, though) and my anxiety far worsens my depressive episodes. That's why antidepressants make me manic and Klonopin makes me feel great when it can cause depression (it never causes depression in me). My key problem is anxiety. Even PTSD is labeled an anxiety diagnosis and I bet my PTSD is so severe because I'm so incredibly obsessive/anxious.

When I get suicidal/self-injuring it's because my obsessions are so out of control and I want to make them stop. My psychologist said to start wearing a rubberband on my wrist and snap it whenever I start obsessing. My mother said I would always be snapping my wrist and it's true! Whether it's good or bad, I have to have something to obsess over. It's like my brain doesn't know how to function any other way other than through obsession. I used to obsess over people even in elementary school and earlier, it's just now I get depressed, too, and my obsessing has gotten a lot more severe/emotional in origin.

I will write more about the psychologist in another post.