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I went to the doctor today and we mainly addressed my stomach problems. My mother has to order my various stomach test results from last year sent over to my general practitioner so she can see what those doctors did exactly and to see if any other tests should be ordered. She asked me if my psychiatrist had ever said if my stomach problems could be caused by my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Of course I've discussed my stomach problems with both my psychiatrist and psychologist, and both think it's quite possibly resulting from my PTSD, but that doesn't necessarily mean it is. They aren't running physical tests on me in that area because that's not their job.
And prior to my nausea/vomiting problems I went through a weird period of time where I had to eat probably at least 6,000 calories of day (I was constantly very hungry even though normally I don't notice hunger, and I would go straight from eating a couple platters of spaghetti to eating a half-gallon of ice cream in one sitting, and still want more). And I had very little weight gain from that. I lost over 20 pounds prior to that uncontrollable hunger, and when I was eating like that the most I ever got up to was no more than 90-92lbs. It's hard for me to retrospectively track, but it's possible that I became very hungry because of being underweight. It's true I did gain a tiny bit when I was eating a lot (just not what one would anticipate from that kind of eating with no exercise).
I have another appointment in a month, and I have some samples for an acid reflux medication in the meantime. I am sure I also have acid reflux and I'm hoping this will help too. If this medication helps I might be able to go back to taking Keppra daily, because I really do better taking an anticonvulsant (either tegretol or Keppra). Keppra did give me some stomach problems, but I'm pretty sure it was just exacerbating my acid reflux.
If there is just nothing wrong with me physically and this is all just symptoms of my PTSD, I don't know what I will do. I think it's very likely that is the case. It makes me so frustrated with myself. I have been told that because my PTSD is from longterm childhood circumstances that my brain likely changed in reaction to the extreme stress at crucial times of brain development. And as a result I process ordinary events or stressors as potentially life-threatening, and my body reacts as if it is in serious physical danger. It is really exhausting and makes me feel helpless and just worsens my temper, because I hate having that sickness and hyperarousal all the time. I actually don't vomit that often (not even every week or anything, which I was asked about), but I know I would be vomiting very often if I had to live with anything remotely resembling "normal" life expectations and responsibilities. Any day I have travel more than a few minutes in the car, have to get up at a specific time of day, eat food outside of my own house, face emotional stress, it's likely I'm going to be quite ill (as in actual vomiting). Very often eating a bite of anything makes me feel sick and I feel some kind of pain and/or nausea, but I can usually just rest immediately. I virtually always stop eating because I think I'm going to vomit if I eat more, not because I feel full or I finished my food. I weighed 84lbs today at the doctor's in a heavy sweater and clunky shoes, which sounded about right because my mother's scale has been weighing me at about 83 the past few weeks. I need to start remembering to take multivitamins, and I'm also supposed to be on calcium supplements due to my size, but I never started that:-P I suppose I should... I don't think I really look extremely thin unless I wear certain clothes. My face is naturally pretty round.
My therapist asked me what I was most concerned about, feeling better or controlling my temper and acting nice. I said certainly controlling my temper is more important to me, and I used to act almost always as if that were my priority. It's just when I do make that the priority my body compensates by making me sicker, and I'm just so exhausted of feeling sick... If I have to still hate myself and live in terror in the immediate future while being a kinder person, I guess that is what I want. Obviously such a dichotomy is not preferable, but I have certain very ingrained habits so it's not something that is going to be immediately rectified for me. It also doesn't help that sometimes the response of loathing or disgust toward me or "punishment" of some kind can leave me feeling better physically -- I feel calmer and like the confusion finally stopped. Everything makes sense again and everything is familiar again. I really hope there is some medication that can help with the nausea so that maybe I won't be so afraid of controlling myself externally. I hope to "feel better" psychologically and physically about a lot of stuff eventually, too, it's just certain aspects are of the most immediate concern.
I miss the days when I was just completely dissociated instead of in constant hyperarousal (my teenage and childhood years).
