unico_love: (childlike empress)
I'm feeling depressed about my life. I've accomplished so little in the past year other than stay alive. I've had symptom after symptom pop up. Abnormal test result followed by abnormal test result with no "real" answer. Nothing that connects the dots. When I get my dizzy spells, Michael worries what they mean. My brother and mother were hoping for a tumor in the pituitary gland. Hoping for a tumor... How low do you have to sink for that? My mentality is way off. I like the internet, but don't get enjoyment the way I used to out of in-person socializing. I don't feel like sending emails, though, either. I have nothing to say. I do nothing that would interest other people. My main enjoyment comes from helping other people and giving to other people. Hence, Project Snow makes me happy. Helping a loved one less fortunate who could benefit not only financially from me, but from my knowledge of things like make up and clothing, etc.

I'm reading a book right now and it says how everything is conscious. You can incarnate as literally anything and reincarnate as anything. It's like, I've thought this since I was 11 years old. I've prayed for the souls of living and non-living things for many, many years. People need a book on it? I get people have different beliefs, but this stuff is so ingrained in my heart. I'm feeling less desire to be partnered (who knows? Maybe that's just my lack of libido). I wouldn't mind becoming a nun, but I do not agree with the Catholic church. Maybe Buddhist? I am ready to take a vow of poverty and a vow of celibacy. I no longer feel fit for this world. At times that scares me and I think I'm going to die soon, having finished with this life. I feel like I've already lived through so much and learned so much from everything.

This sickness leaves me feeling haunted. My body is disjointed, not interacting properly with the environment. It is not running well. Neither is my mind, personality, or spirit. I am full of love for everyone. That is the one thing intact. I am bursting with love. I feel quite strange.
unico_love: (Strange Beauty)
Day 29: Some people believe in never being serious. Some people believe in taking everything seriously. Let's assume that both groups of people are bringing something important to the table. How can you take nothing and everything seriously at the same time? How might this benefit you?

Know that you can never know everything and all plans might go awry -- we are not omniscient. We are very much fallible beings, and the happiest way to approach this is with laughter. However, treat everything and everyone with respect, because there is value in everything. Treating life this way would make my life feel more worthwhile, while less stressful.

30 Day Self-Esteem Meme )
unico_love: (Unico)
Right now my purpose is just to creatively express myself, love others, do good in the world, be happy, and make others happy.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (crystal ball)
I wonder about souls and who has them. I tend to believe all living things have souls, but likely also some non-living things. I believe everything is imbued with a divine spark, but also an individual soul exists. I do wonder where souls would be "separate" in plant life and minerals, etc. and whether there are perhaps only "oversouls" for those types of creations. Even if the soul is not immortal, it is a theory that rings true for me.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (red rose girl)
This seems like the kind of question that would really very person-to-person. For me living is being happy, enjoying life, being active in your life, feeling connection to other beings in the world, and making the best of opportunities in your life. Existence is more just being a living being (or even non-living being) and existing in a state of "being," but without really experiencing all life has to offer.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (yellow girl with rose)
All living and non-living things are sacred, so treat them with respect and compassion.
365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (childlike empress)
I just took my second dose of Ritalin LA. I have a lot left for this month, so I figured it was okay. It really does help my anxiety and mood... I should be happy, though, and usually I am now. Sometimes I even think I'm happier than average. I still self-monitor a lot -- constantly looking for any sign of anxiety or depression or fear. Then if I do notice it I start panicking:-/ Just too many years of too many bad emotions... Life is better now. I have to remember that. Also my pap smear test results came back normal so not another one of those horrible exams for two years! Yay!

I think I'm kind of the opposite of a nihilist. I think there is meaning in everything. When people ask questions like "What is the meaning of life?" I get very confused. It's not like I know a deeper truth than them -- I don't know an objective "meaning of life" on this earthly existence that stands true for everyone. I do think all of our existences have some kind of deeper purpose, but I don't know what it is, and I don't think one has to know that to have meaning and purpose in their life. Perhaps like in existentialism we have to create meaning in our lives. I would still count that as important. I do not just think we're useless, tiny dots existing for a moment in history, of no real value. I believe all things in the universe are sacred and divine. There's nothing wrong with being a little focused on yourself and understanding yourself and your life -- we're all sacred and valuable! Ants are just as important as humans who are just as important as any higher-up spirits or organisms that may exist/will exist. I am more hedonistic than I used to be -- I think we should all enjoy life to the fullest. Life is meant to be enjoyed and cherished. For me the ultimate meaning of life is to experience love and to love as much as possible. That is my main goal, as well as somehow making the world a better place in some small way. As Emily Dickinson said, "If I can save one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain." My views on ethics and spirituality are constantly evolving, but the core of who I am remains the same and probably so will my belief that love is of utmost value.

I have met so many creatures (including humans) that are so inspiring and great in some way or another -- I am learning so much. I am inspired always. Hopefully my self-criticism will die away and I will focus only on how I can improve instead of thinking of the ways in which I fail compared to other people. I've had great opportunities in life, too, and I have many wonderful people to turn to. Some of my past is hard to overcome, but I will keep trying.
unico_love: (childlike empress)
I really want to work on being more optimistic about my own life. I tend to be optimistic when it comes to other people and situations unrelated to me, but I worry over all things to do with me specifically. I try to prepare for the worst, though worrying doesn't usually prepare me for bad things to happen -- it just amplifies my feelings of helplessness when things do go wrong. Due to the overload I experience with autism, I may always feel overload in some situations (crowds, stores, large social situations, etc.) and I may feel awkward having to do small talk while not really knowing how to do it. Medications often helps those situations to some extent (Ritalin LA especially).

However, I have to control my more generalized anxiety with specific worries. Lately it has been a fear of my mother dying; I am still very reliant on her and, due to my disabilities, I probably will be until my mother is too sick or old to help. I hope to take care of her if she does get sick at some point and I would love to have her live with us in such a situation. I really don't want my mother to die... I'm very attached to her in many different ways. Worrying about the situation won't help any, though. People eventually die; it is an inevitability.

I want to enjoy life and appreciate living in the moment instead of obsessing about what happened or what could happen. My life is, overall, quite good. I am very fortunate in many ways and I do feel that way. I just worry about losing everything. I want to trust the universe in God. I can get through any difficulty. Sometimes there will be struggles, but I can still make the best of the situation, learn from it, continue loving and find happiness in all the little things going right. I want to learn to be more easy-going. I may always be a planner and a cautious person, but I can find ways to relax and be more accepting of reality, instead of always feeling like I have to fight reality.
unico_love: (childlike empress)
I believe that all living and nonliving beings have love at their core. All of us have a divine spark in us which is filled with love. Loving is our truest nature. We sometimes get away from that and act in unkind ways, but I believe eventually all beings will return to love.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (Unico)
I would make the world a less painful place for everyone and everything. If suffering must be a part of life in this world, which it seems like it is (or at least pain is, if you believe suffering to be unnecessary continuation of pain), I would minimize it as much as possible. I would make people more easily able to understand and be empathetic with each other and with all living and non-living things. People would work to help take care of the earth instead of destroying it. People would, in all ways, be less selfish and love more.

365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (crystal ball)
I think my reason for being here is to learn to love and to forgive, to learn to cope with difficult situations without losing hope, love, or compassion, and to make positive impressions on human beings and the world at large. In my own, tiny way:-)


365 Day Meme )
unico_love: (Unico)
I finally finished rereading Sailor Moon Super S. I should read a bit of Sailor Moon every night -- it always improves my mood. It makes me very happy and the world seems like a brighter and kinder place. I don't relate to any of the main characters too much (I relate most to Sailor Saturn), but I relate to qualities within each of them. All of their motivations and feelings and desires make sense to me. Love is the ultimate feeling and the ultimate goal. Love always wins in Sailor Moon. The senshi are all friends who love each other deeply, as I love my own friends. Appreciating what your loved ones do for you is important. Even ordinary people can at least mentally be a kind, loving ruler of their own kingdom. We each are our own world; we create our own world. Everyone protects their own inner kingdom and can choose whether to battle and be competitive and harsh with others and their kingdoms or choose love and mutual support. Like Usagi (Sailor Moon) and Mamoru (Tuxedo Mask), Michael and I can love innocently and contentedly, taking care of one another and teaching one another to love more deeply. There are difficulties we must face, but somehow we will always cope. The world can be beautiful and filled with hope. Dreams do come true. My dream is to be happy and to be with my loved ones, maybe even helping others' dreams come true and to help others feel loved and important. Those are obtainable dreams and wonderful dreams. I am blessed in so many ways.
unico_love: (childlike empress)
In Authentic Happiness it mentioned the importance of having a meaning to your life. Sometimes in bipolar episodes I would dwell a lot on my life purpose and whether I could even justify continuing to live at the expense of other living things. Sometimes I thought that maybe there was a trick to being alive and we were all meant to kill ourselves so we would no longer kill other things in order to exist. I'd also obsess over what choice I made would benefit the most other living beings (including micro-organisms). However, I generally maintained the outlook that the world was an enchanting place that was primarily good and human beings were also fascinating and primarily good. I never really felt hopeless to affect people and the world in positive ways, though I would be keenly aware of the times I had negative impacts.

Usually, though, I have had a feeling of meaning in life and my idea of that hasn't changed much. Around age 12 I became more aware of other living creatures and how I didn't want to hurt them and wanted to do good. For me the purpose in life is to help other living beings as much as you can while also enjoying your life and finding happiness and hope in whatever you can. The world is a good place with many tools you can use to improve circumstances for yourself and others. Kindness and mercy are of the utmost importance. Forgiveness should always be cultivated -- though it took awhile to see that forgiveness didn't have to mean having abusive people in your life. Being grateful and aware of how much others sacrifice for you was also always important. Also I've always believed in God and prayed to God, though I see God as everywhere and largely beyond comprehension. For me God was always intimately tied to my beliefs about meaning in life. I want to experience God as purely and openly as possible and allow love to fill my life. I equate God with love and love in the world is of the utmost importance to me. I want to feel as much love as I can and to spread love to others and reassure living things that they are loved and appreciated. Life is difficult and filled with many roadblocks, but being able to see the good in life and fill yourself with love and happiness, contributing to the love and happiness of as many beings as possible and in as much depth as possible, makes living purposeful and worthwhile even in the darkest times.
unico_love: (childlike empress)
From time to time I am still having negative feelings or judgments, but I am getting better at noticing those thoughts/feelings and reasoning with myself why I shouldn't act on them and how those thoughts/feelings will pass. They always do pass. I go back to feeling happy with my life and the people I know. I don't want to ruin a relationship to spout vitriol which temporarily relieves me. Just reminding myself those negative thoughts and feelings will pass usually works, though a few times I have been caught off-guard and have been unkind back. I get so afraid of being walked all over again. I need to continue working on expressing myself and how something affects me while still being respectful and kind, even if the other person isn't respectful or kind back. I'm still too sensitive about what others' impressions of me might be. Criticism and accusations still give me panic attacks. If someone said something awful about me I'd probably take them too seriously instead of assuming the person saying such negative things probably has a problem they are taking out on me.

Sometimes I still feel powerless, but knowing I can change my perspective of myself and the world and taking steps to live a different lifestyle makes me feel more in-charge of my life and happiness. And my medication helps, too, so the anxiety and bipolar don't rule my life so much and I can make wiser decisions and don't feel bad for no reason. I still have to work on my worrying or focusing on the past or future instead of on the present. I am getting better about worrying about the future, though, and keeping my thoughts more on the present or near-present. The past I'm starting to see as an unfolding story that led me to wear I am now, which is overall a pretty good place, so even the bad things that happened seem purposeful and less destructive. It was a state of great pain and wishing to die that made me want to turn around my communications and focus. Hopefully those incidents in March that made me so desperate and depressed won't repeat themselves. I may feel very negative feelings and have very negative thoughts again at some point, especially due to being bipolar, but hopefully I've learned how to better handle those situations when they arise.
unico_love: (childlike empress)
"Have you ever felt that there was something going on in life that not everyone was aware of?" Rose asked, turning her mug around in her hands. "As though there's a story going on that everyone is a part of, but not everybody knows about? Maybe 'story' isn't the right word -- a sort of drama, a battle between what's peripheral and what's really important. As though the people you meet aren't just their plan, prosaic selves, but are actually princes and princesses, gods and goddesses, fairies, gypsies, shepherds, all sorts of fantastical creatures who've chosen to hide their real shape for some reason or another. Or who have forgotten who they really are. Have you ever thought that?"
-pg. 36, The Shadow of the Bear: A Fairy Tale Retold by Regina Doman

I really loved and related to this quote:-)
unico_love: (Unico)
1. Only I can make myself happy.
2. Happiness is a choice.
3. Don't be quick to judge.
4. Compliment more and criticize less.
5. Set goals for each day and force myself to get started.
6. Enjoy the process.
7. Do not ruminate on bad memories or upsetting things.
8. Help someone or compliment someone in some way every day.
9. Tell people how thankful I am for them and what they do.
10. Be myself.
11. When there is a problem, state what the problem is and drop it (don't keep complaining).
12. Don't hurt myself (because that hurts other people, too).
13. Enjoy the small pleasures of each day.
14. Let go of needing to be in control of everything that happens in my life or others' lives.
15. Be kind to myself and to all other people, animals, and other living things.
unico_love: (childlike empress)
"First is the preparation stage, when you identify what brings you joy, satisfaction, and engagement, and also what brings you guilt, anger, boredom, and remorse." From: http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/start-.html
I am going to try to start my own "Happiness Project," but my resolutions will basically be the same as the 101 Things to Do in 1,001 Days. I might make a shorter list for this project or I may just make different, related lists.

I'm putting this under a cut because it's so long:

What Makes Me Happy )



What Makes Me Unhappy )
unico_love: (childlike empress)
A friend on Facebook wrote down this quote, and I want to remember it:
"We compromised our pride and sacrificed our health / We must demand more not from each other, but more from ourselves." - Jewel, "Deep Water"

Often I can be very demanding in what I expect from people. I always expect people to have the best of intentions and to keep promises and make great efforts. I get disappointed fairly easily in people, though I don't often show it, or I try to compensate for it. I also just ignore imperfections when I put people on pedestals, but then sometimes if they do something "wrong" I get disproportionately upset with them. I fall apart emotionally if something goes wrong in a personal relationship. I often think if people did things how I wanted I would be so much happier and so would they. Maybe sometimes that's true, but often it isn't, and people have to follow their own paths. Instead of judging people or trying to control them (even mentally) I should show my respect for their choices, beliefs, and preferences. I should love them for who they are and what they want to be. If they seem to be making bad choices, I can try to help out if they want me to, and I can be supportive, but ultimately their life is up to them and I can still care about them just as much. I certainly can't live up to everyone's expectations. And there are so many flaws and faults I do possess that I should be working on instead of nitpicking others. I want to be a better person and that should be my main focus.

Some things to improve:
-Getting easily frustrated with people I have a miscommunication with or who holds a different opinion from me
-Getting frustrated when people try to debate with me
-Judging people who say or do something unnecessarily mean instead of just judging their action and realizing I don't know what's going through the guilty person's mind
-Holding grudges when people have moved on from the disagreement
-Assuming certain people possess negative qualities because they trigger an insecurity in me
-Lashing out when I get triggered
-Saying/doing really nasty things when I'm upset with someone instead of being honest in a simple and calm way
unico_love: (childlike empress)
I just read a blog post by "ballastexistenz" and I very much agree with her on happiness, though I am sure I have my own beliefs that branch off. I at least believe, as she said, that the world is filled with happiness and beauty in even the littlest things, we just forget or overlook them. Happiness can be a natural state of being. When we look at things with the right outlook we appreciate the good in the world and can love the world and what's in our lives, even if we face a lot of difficulties. When I'm in a good mood I'm usually in a very good mood and find everything amazing and wonderful. Little things make me very happy and ecstatic. I have to not let myself get pulled down into blackholes where I mentally repeat bad things that happen and live in the past or in fear of reliving the past. I have a great life with many great people and things in it. I just have to be careful and live my life how is best for me.
unico_love: (crystal ball)
"And he began to see the truth, that Ged neither lost nor won but, naming the shadow of his death with his own name, had made himself whole: a man" knowing his whole true self, cannot be used or possessed by any power other than himself, and whose life is lived for life's sake and never in the service of ruin, or pain, or hatred, or the dark."
-pg. 181, A Wizard of Earthsea by Ursula Le Guin

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August 2013

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