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I've been feeling pretty calm and reflective today. I took Adipex and Klonopin together when I first got up, and it seems to be working. I'm reading a book called Small Miracles of Love and Friendship by Halberstam and Leventhal. It's a book about positive synchronicities. I'm always noticing synchronicities in my own life, or other coincidences that seem meaningful in some way. Everything in life is filled with some type of meaning for me. That is probably one reason I was (mis)diagnosed with Schizotypal Personality Disorder a long time ago.
It's amazing how I have come to know all my friends (and ex-friends). If situations had just been slightly different I may never have come to know them at all, or at least wouldn't have become attached to them. Every little thing in my relationships seems important and makes me feel something -- even things that seem minuscule and probably unimportant to other people. I usually pay attention to details. I want to enjoy everyone I meet and to have as positive an experience as possible.
In retrospect, even the people and situations that made me feel suicidal feel necessary and important once I've recovered. I've learned more about the kind of person I want to be and the kind of person I don't want to be. Assumptions I once naively made get turned around with experience. I hope to continue to grow closer to the people I know and to meet many more fascinating, kind people that have a lot to teach me. I hope I can learn better social skills to find ways to meet more people (even for just brief encounters) and have less awkward interactions. I think there must be a way of doing this while still being true to myself.
Despite my sometimes severe depressions and feelings of dirtiness resulting from my PTSD, I do sometimes like who I am, some of my qualities and abilities, and I don't always think I mess up. I know I'm constantly improving with hard work, which sometimes satiates me. I would like to be able to handle criticism better, though, so I don't lash out in frustration or feel stupid. I want to become more diplomatic in communication. I'd also like to be better at judging actions as some degree of right or wrong and to become a less "black and white" thinker; also I want to stop judging people as human beings because they make bad choices or don't seem to care. I can't help or change everyone. It's not my duty and to try and change others is presumptuous.
It's amazing how I have come to know all my friends (and ex-friends). If situations had just been slightly different I may never have come to know them at all, or at least wouldn't have become attached to them. Every little thing in my relationships seems important and makes me feel something -- even things that seem minuscule and probably unimportant to other people. I usually pay attention to details. I want to enjoy everyone I meet and to have as positive an experience as possible.
In retrospect, even the people and situations that made me feel suicidal feel necessary and important once I've recovered. I've learned more about the kind of person I want to be and the kind of person I don't want to be. Assumptions I once naively made get turned around with experience. I hope to continue to grow closer to the people I know and to meet many more fascinating, kind people that have a lot to teach me. I hope I can learn better social skills to find ways to meet more people (even for just brief encounters) and have less awkward interactions. I think there must be a way of doing this while still being true to myself.
Despite my sometimes severe depressions and feelings of dirtiness resulting from my PTSD, I do sometimes like who I am, some of my qualities and abilities, and I don't always think I mess up. I know I'm constantly improving with hard work, which sometimes satiates me. I would like to be able to handle criticism better, though, so I don't lash out in frustration or feel stupid. I want to become more diplomatic in communication. I'd also like to be better at judging actions as some degree of right or wrong and to become a less "black and white" thinker; also I want to stop judging people as human beings because they make bad choices or don't seem to care. I can't help or change everyone. It's not my duty and to try and change others is presumptuous.
