Journey through Faerieland

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I tend to be more verbal online because I have more time to think and I find written words much easier than spoken words. Sometimes I make dumb errors in my writing because I "see" what I intend to write instead of what I do write, but writing is still much easier. I feel I'm able to express more of who I am online, though I would be open in-person if the right topics came up. Any differences are not intentional.

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I prefer text messaging because I'm not good at thinking up things to say on the spot and making conversation flow, etc. Also sometimes it overloads me to talk on the phone, just by listening even. Speaking can be taxing and sometimes I feel like my words are all jumbled. Text messaging gives me more time to respond (though I always respond as soon as I notice I have a message). I am also more comfortable and feel I make more sense in writing as opposed to talking.

I have spent so much of the past year despondent and emotionally tortured; I felt so out of control of my life. I still often do. But there are things I can do to improve my life and my perspective; it's just difficult to change habitual responses to extreme stress. I need to constantly remind myself of the good things in my life and the choices I do have. I have to learn how to say "no" when I don't want to do something, without using excuses to isolate myself and miss out on life even more/increase my fears and depression. In many ways, as this book states "I create my own reality." I can choose how I view things and if I use events as opportunities for learning or happiness or just waddle through suffering, not trying to actively improve my situation. There is no reason for me to take things as personally as I do, to get as hopeless as I do just from minor setbacks. I need to stand up for myself while being respectful of others. As a friend once mentioned, I need to learn to ask questions instead of making assumptions out of fear. I need to make the happiness I can feel a more constant way of experiencing reality.

I started out the day very nauseated, so I skipped tutoring (again). I hope to go tomorrow morning. I also have plans to see a friend in the afternoon. Additionally, I'm supposed to drop off a painting at the local art league for another one of their shows. My brother has some of his stuff going on tomorrow too, so hopefully there will be time for everything (my mother has to drive us). My afternoon went all right and I borrowed a book from the library I'm very excited about, a book that has also helped me figure out a bit more about my writing genre. The book is The Forest of Forgetting by Theodora Goss. The introduction was very helpful to me.

Later this evening I got triggered by something and fell apart. I controlled myself better than at other times (progress, I guess?), but I sounded pathetically self-deprecating. I still feel very bad about this situation and I cried a lot over it. I said things to a friend that came out in a way I didn't intend. I also emailed someone and I don't know if it was a good decision or not. I guess I will find out eventually... I just don't know what to feel or do or what my goals should be in my current interpersonal situations. It's all such a mess...

Someone asked me today why I sometimes get very critical and mean of people I really adore. How can I find things to be mean about or criticize when I idealize them? It's something important to think about. I never think someone is perfect, just perfect enough for me to really admire, for their synesthetic matrix/aura/self to feel and look enchanting and magical and naturally pure. I still pay careful attention to patterns and deviations from patterns. Those can make me very overwhelmed no matter how much I care. I get really scared, feel really out of control, and do what I learned to do as a teenager -- which is to verbally lash out to regain some control over my life (though unfortunately it can extend to trying to control other people to make them do or "be" how I want them to be in order to feel the world makes sense and there's overall stability). I am not sufficiently flexible with people and their quirks, their changing of their minds, their confusion with themselves and life. I get frustrated and react automatically in a judgmental way, trying to provoke some kind of response so I feel acknowledge (if disliked...)

I don't usually think worse of the person I'm criticizing; it's all about regaining a sense of control and stability. It's about trying to make people have a glimpse into the confused state I am in so we can have more mutual empathy. I can see when I've done wrong and apologize. I don't want to really control anyone; I would hate the fakeness of that and can't stand when people are in pain (driving me into a further confusion, given I can cause pain by my cruel actions). If someone really is that wonderful to me, I have to demonstrate basic respect and forgiveness, even when the person is acting in strange ways that don't make sense to me. I know my feelings are loyal, and my actions have to be loyal too.

Yesterday and the day before I was doing a lot of thinking (relatively hopeless and confused thinking) and felt bad about some things. And sometimes when I try to express myself rationally when I am feeling really bad about something, I still come across too hurtful (keep in mind, this isn't over factual stuff that has any real relevance outside of my life/some people in my life). I feel a bit more hopeful today, and it's easier for me to remember a lot of really good things that I would never want to lose. That usually happens after a scare of losing something or someone important (even just contemplating it or having an overwhelming fear or realization). I have been making lists, which helps me to feel less confused and helpless.

I'm going to work on a watercolor painting today I already sketched. I almost never use watercolor, and have never taken any lessons in it, so it might not be very good. I was inspired by civetmoon's wonderful watercolors, but the one I'm doing isn't fantasy-like at all (though it would be amazing to do more fantasy-like art, or create my own creatures, etc.) This is just a squirrel in a field. It will be autumn, probably:-) I will probably end up showing it here at some point.

I did a synopsis of my last novel today. I hate doing that. I hate doing any kind of summarizing and figuring out how to turn details into generalizations. To me all the details seem important, and I don't know which to discard and which to rephrase in a way that it general, when I didn't write what I wrote to be generalized in the first place. I can catalog details, write a list of themes, make charts, etc. but that's not at all the same thing. I used to have a lot of trouble paragraphing, too, because it seemed (and often does still seem) fairly arbitrary to me where one subject leaves off and another begins since one paragraph leads into another and they often intertwine. Writing can get so complicated... Even outside of writing, though, I cling to details and get confused and overwhelmed when details contradict unexpectedly and without some kind of deeper underlying pattern I've unveiled. Real life is complicated, and I know that, but still there seemed like things can be lumped into some kind of pattern, even if it's an incomplete pattern (whether for the time being or indefinitely). It's not even cause and effect or anything like that; I don't really think of things as cause and effect usually. It's something else, and certainly outside of linear time. I also often cling to tiny details that are unintentional or seemingly random to the people they involve, and sometimes ignore more important details because they didn't catch me with the same emotional impact. Usually this can be resolved with further information or an explanation of other people's perspectives, since it's kind of just an Alice in Wonderland affect where small becomes big and big becomes small. I try to imagine as many possibilities as I can, but without any kind of feedback they all carry the same amount of weight, or whatever weight I choose to assign them. I tend to entertain too many possibilities, usually. Even more details to complicate matters and make generalizing difficult. Not to mention every detail and experience and bit of information is so webbed with other bits, and has a specific visual/auditory/emotional matrix I feel and they all collide and harmonize in various ways; usually when I try to explain trickier matters I need to go into detail about all this to get my experience and perspective across, but it just ends up sounding like I'm experiencing hallucinations:-P

I have an odd problem with some people. Especially with certain males (I'm sure it's happened with females, too, but for some reason it's usually with males). We'll get into a mild disagreement and xe will start staring off into space, but still clearly listening to what I am saying. I take xer silence to mean "oh please, holy prophetic one with forbidden knowledge, shower me with your wisdom and show me the path to enlightenment." Usually that's not what they mean, though. Usually they mean "Please shut up before you drive me insane and I get really upset and/or angry."@_@ I can name 4-5 males this has happened with, but not one female. Maybe the females I've done that with just reacted differently? I don't know...


( Quizzes )

[Edit: This picture is gone, I believe, but the quiz is fun:)]
My angst tastes like...

Strawberry
Find your angst's flavor

Sugary and sweet, your angst is resulting from... nothing, really. You're actually living a very charmed life, and hopefully you're also grateful for it. If you have any angst, it is probably minor and you get over it with your optimistic and sunny personality before it can get to you. You're truly blessed, but be careful that you're not a bit too happy all the time; sadness, uncertainty, anxiety, and other negative emotions are a part of life, so be sure that you're not simply bottling them up or choosing to ignore them for now, because they most certainly will come back and get you later. On the other hand, some people just have great lives and great personalities, and if you got this result, you may very well be one of those, so give yourself a good pat on the back!


I don't think I have a problem expressing my negative emotions@_@ Most certainly not
anxiety-_-'


eXpressive: 4/10
Practical: 2/10
Physical: 6/10
Giver: 12/10


You are a RSYG--Reserved Sentimental Physical Giver. This makes you a Nice Guy/Nice Girl.

Oh, poor RSYG. You're the one all your friends of your target sex *should* be dating when you have to watch them go out with jerks. You're the sweet one that the lead in a romantic comedy ends up with after s/he learns a valuable lesson. You're the best friend, the chaperone and the shoulder to cry on when you should be the lover. Well, no one ever said people were smart.

You dislike conflict -- you prefer to express yourself through action, not discussion -- but you know it is necessary. This means you are more likely to tackle an issue before it grows, but you're also more likely to stop fighting before the issue is resolved to your satisfaction. This isn't necessarily a bad thing -- it's kind of a nice compromise between fighting about everything and fighting about nothing -- but you have to remember to look out for your own interests sometimes.

You have a strong sexual appetite, but it seems so out of place with the rest of your persona that people find it hard to believe. Often they try to shield you from sexual content -- it's ridiculous, but you can use it to your advantage: everybody wants someone clean in the kitchen and dirty in the bedroom. That's you.

You don't want to cheat, but you might. Especially since it's only when you're in a relationship that you start getting the attention from your target sex that you should have been getting all along. Your experiences could make you misanthropic if you weren't so tenderhearted.

A lot of RSITs think they're RSYGs. They're not. (Do they want to be RSITs, or something?)

You'll end up with someone who deserves you in the end.

Of the 15081 people who have taken this quiz, 3.6 % are this type.

(How can I get 12/10? I must not understand the scoring system or something...)
Link to this quiz