Journey through Faerieland

I have a tendency to obsess and/or perseverate on people. It's thought I may have OCD partly because of my intense, negative obsession on certain people and certain social encounters. I do have other OCD tendencies, though. For awhile I doubted I had autism/Asperger's because I was so intensely focused on people, but it really started in college (though I had some long-term obsessions over individuals prior to that, I didn't really focus on my social situation as a whole or get really "into" friends in a normal way). I wanted to make friends and make people feel good just by being a nice person. I generally like people, so this wasn't an arduous task -- it just meant focusing in more on each person's situation, buying more gifts, offering help whenever possible, trying to always be emotionally supportive, etc. I figured I had a lot of emotional reciprocity, but in reality a lot of the people I hyperfocused on weren't as focused on me, so it wasn't so reciprocal. Sometimes this bothered me and sometimes it didn't. I was really focused on being as giving and kind as possible in college and my goal wasn't to make everyone like me so much as to be a good person. Though I loved it when people seemed to really like me. And I was heartbroken when people I'd been close to seemed to distance themselves from me. That still is really hard for me to cope with. I get very attached to people and the attachment only really disappears if the person was quite abusive and made me feel bad.

I regret the people I've hurt -- because despite my usually good intentions, sometimes I can be extremely verbally cruel. Usually it's always some verbal lashing out. Not rumors or cruelty in other manners, but verbal cruelty can do a lot of damage. I know it does to me. I am sorry to the people I blew off, thinking I didn't really do much wrong, because I was hyperfocused on helping/gaining the attention of another person at the time. I've been mean to a lot of friends at some time or another -- sometimes when I was focusing on another person and sometimes when I was focusing on them and became frustrated at things not going how I wanted. I'm so lucky I have such good friends that have, for the most part, forgiven me. I want to be less codependent and just be kind to people because I like doing so, without hoping for too much in return. I love close relationships so sometimes I hope for too much or ask for too much from someone. I need to develop more emotional independence. I think with that I would be kinder, too, because I wouldn't have those desperate emotions I sometimes get. I have April and Mireia and now even Maria (though Mireia and Maria are long-distance friends so I can't just get together with them or anything). Amber can't be close to me right now, but hopefully someday our relationship will return to normal. If it doesn't, I'm just going to have to find out a way to cope somehow. Though it is awfully painful to think of losing her after we spent years so close.

I suppose one quality I actually do like in myself is my lack of pretensions. I tend to mean exactly what I say, say things in whole so there are no misleading sentiments, and feeling like I know who I am and not having to prove anything to anyone. If I act like I like you, I like you, and if I don't like you, I ignore you or tell you why I don't like you. In college I still tried to like people who were inherently abusive and wouldn't stand up to them. I'd just feel bad for them. I still tend to feel bad when someone has problems, but I no longer put on a false smile to please them. I try to be very open about the kind of person I am and my strengths and weaknesses.

Even though I don't fit into a specific religion's doctrine, I do believe in God and pray. I feel it's right to try and love every living thing (and nonliving things) unconditionally and treat them with respect. I don't always do this. I know everyone has issues and makes mistakes, but I know I am not doing my best. It's very easy for me to like people and to think positively of them, and it takes a lot for me to dislike someone, but I have certain triggers that make me lash out. That's inappropriate. Even if it's hard and I have to stand up for myself, I should do it calmly and with respect. And even if it's hard to love some people, I should try. Even when forgiveness is difficult because the person isn't at all sorry, I should be wary of them yet forgive them "for they know not what they do" as the saying goes. I want to be a kind person and not just to people where it's easy, but in difficult situations too. I want to reach the point where I always act out of love.

Today I woke up still feeling a bit sick to my stomach and I felt like I'd done many, many stomach crunches do to the severe vomiting incident in the car yesterday. Today I took out a bag of lettuce from the refrigerator and it was severely rotting. The bag fell open, all over the drawer and the kitchen floor. It was like slimy cooked spinach but not nearly so healthy. I'm allergic to mold so I really have to start cleaning out my refrigerator more often... There were a lot of moldy things in there:(

I don't generally paint with watercolor because I find it's far more stressful than painting with acrylics. It's easy to cover up mistakes with acrylics but it's nearly impossible to do that with watercolor if the mistake is major enough.


I should probably get a scanner someday... Though, I really have no idea how you scan pictures if they're bigger than the scanner's screen.

( Still-Life )

( Still-Life Full Picture )

( Surreal Illustration Thing )