unico_love: (Default)
I'm watching Jem episodes (the old 1980's cartoon). They were a gift from a friend who also bought herself the series. We were going to watch the first 5 episodes by today, though I don't know if she managed to and whether she'd want me to wait for her to catch up or to still watch. Usually I watch things through in one sitting (or a few sittings) and try to get through as fast as possible. I hyperfocus on it. However, it's kind of nice hyperfocusing on Jem and only watching it in small amounts at a time. It gives me more to look forward to and I can savor it, like ice cream (which I also eat too fast). I love how the brightness of the colors look, the names of the characters (Jericha, Rio, Kimber, etc.), the songs, the happiness of it all. Everything will turn out all right in the end and friends only get in petty fights and make up quickly. The person you date is practically ~magical~ and a saint. Everything is relaxed and fun and comfortable.
unico_love: (Sandman)
Sometimes it's amazing how fast your feelings can change. You can feel one way about someone or something for so long, convinced how you feel will never change, feeling trapped at times. Then someday something breaks inside you and frees you. You no longer feel that way. You have so many choices and so many things you can do now that the shackles are gone. You can believe people who tell you something or someone really isn't good for you. A major life-changing realization has occurred. I feel free for the first time in years. I hope I keep this feeling.
unico_love: (Default)
I can be really controlling about myself and my surroundings. There are plenty of instances where I don't have a strong opinion and let others decide on things, but I hate feeling out of control of myself. My emotions are inherently very strong and they make me feel out of control. Besides that, there are many other issues in my life I feel the need to control. When social plans aren't very clear I get very anxious and want to make all the decisions myself or at least force someone else to. I get myself very mentally "stuck" on certain tasks or emotions or opinions. It feels painful to try and break away from them. Even little things can affect my preferences and mood. At other times, as I just said, I do act contrary to this and really don't care. Those incidents are virtually all incidents, though, that require nothing from me -- no using of my thought, energy, or emotion. I end up acting controlling with people I care about, which isn't good. I try to watch myself but I do slip up or get perhaps smothering.
unico_love: (waterhouse nymph)
Today I was considerably less anxious than I had been recently. Perhaps because I have some social plans for the next week or so to keep me occupied. I also received an expected check that will help cover some recent expenses, which is relieving. I bought an (Disney's) Alice in Wonderland t-shirt today and I bought my mother an Audrey Hepburn/Breakfast at Tiffany's t-shirt as a Mother's Day gift. I resisted other spending.

Today I read A Summer To Die by Lois Lowry today, which is a really good book, though very sad. I seem to have a fascination with fictional stories about young people dying. I think this is tied to my sense of foreshortened future. In a way the stories comfort me, despite their sadness. I'm also reading a young adult science-fiction book (part of a series) called Uglies by Scott Westerfeld about a futuristic society in which all young people ("Uglies") undergo a beautifying, severe cosmetic surgery procedure to make them into acceptable "Pretties." Everyone has this cosmetic surgery done other than some outcasts, basically. As someone tending toward body dysmorphia I find the concept very fascinating. I always wonder if I had cosmetic surgery if I would become obsessed with it. I used to be obsessed with trying to obtain expensive skin treatments my dermatologist would insist I didn't need.

I forgot to take some photographs today, but I will try tomorrow.

I'm going to go to my room and do some writing before going to sleep. I am trying to be more easygoing and just wait for some things to either happen or not happen. I can't control everyone and everything. For now I do have a lot to look forward to and a lot to focus on. I do wish I was less tired so I could accomplish more during the day, though.
unico_love: (waterhouse nymph)
I am afraid of embarrassing/humiliating myself and cannot let incidents "go." I try to be perfect, which alienates me from others and makes me sometimes look down on others for being satisfied with lesser accomplishments. I don't know how to forgive certain people yet, but some of these issues were not personal attacks on me (or anyone). I should accept imperfection in myself and work towards improvement instead of perfection. Without pushing myself into overload, I should try to be less aloof and more friendly in certain circumstances. If I stop being so critical of myself, I will stop being so critical of others; we'll get along better and I will be (and feel) less isolated.

(Inspired by Arrogance -- Transforming Your Dragons: How to Turn Fear Patterns into Personal Power).
unico_love: (childlike empress)
Today went fine with tutoring. I spent the day reading The Orphan's Tales: In the Night Garden by Catherine Valente. The writing style was a little difficult to adjust to at first, but then I adapted. I loved the mythology and world she created. The mythological meaning of stars and the shape-shifting were some of my favorite elements. It felt like time ran a different course than in this reality. Also there are so many patterns in this book (and I imagine in the sequel), that I love it on that basis, too. I love the spiraling of connections between events and characters that at first glance don't seem to overlap. I will be reading more by her soon.

On the downside, I didn't accomplish as much physically as I should have. Art should be a priority for tomorrow. But I'm sure I will be reading again. Hopefully this time a library book with a due date...

I saw the Korean horror movie Cinderella which was fun, but I felt very sad for one character:-( I don't know how sympathetic she is supposed to be though.

Overall, the day progressed as normal with no major mishaps. I hope to be more externally productive tomorrow, but I gained a lot through reading that book today. Yesterday I read Francesca Lia Block's Primavera. She always adds a little beauty to my life.:-)
unico_love: (snow white)
I haven't felt so well today so far, but hopefully I will start feeling better this afternoon/evening. I'm tired and lounging around. I'm in the middle of some writing (including a short story I think I will start transcribing to my computer later today). I was really inspired by the writing style of Ashputtle by Peter Straub , which I read last night. It's in the collection Black Thorn, White Rose, which I finished today. I absolutely love retellings of fairy tales. My stories tend to have fairy tale themes in them, and at least one is kind of a retelling of Red Riding Hood. I like applying fairy tales to all different situations and people and times and places. The archetypes in fairy tales really cross all boundaries. I love anthropomorphizing (or otherwise making concrete associations with) abstract concepts, too. I have to have some kind of visual/feeling attachment to a concept in order for it to start making sense to me and for me to start making it into patterns with other material.

I would like to read more by Jane Yolen soon, who has written books in this vein of fairy tale retellings.

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August 2013

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