unico_love | Hopeful Experiences

Usually I have experiences of great elation and ecstasy on a regular basis, where I feel intense love for everyone and all the world and feel intense union. Everything suddenly seems to make sense and I feel like I know what I'm supposed to do and what I've been doing wrong. I feel an intense drive to do whatever I can to make things better in some way, forgiveness is easy, things that would upset me before seem petty. I just want to help others feel really loved and to be able to feel this wonderful themselves, to feel they have value and some kind of purposiveness in even very simple ways. Even when these experiences fade to a more normal state of mind, they stay with me and guide me. I often have trouble using reason to decide the best actions to take, since there are always complicated circumstances in real life. But even with that, my internal driving sense of a mission can lead me to at least select some more viable possibilities to reach my intended goals and to live in certain ways reflective of my truest feelings and ideals. I don't really lose track of what is most important to me or what I feel I must do, but circumstances can scatter me and sudden strong fears can further ruin the decisions I make. But I always feel I know why I do something or think of something in a certain way. Even when I'm doing something wrong, I feel a certain awareness of it which makes me have a lot of regret later on and I feel an intense responsibility for it. These feelings and revelatory experiences guide me. I've said it before, but I almost always identify best with characters that have very clear, intense emotions and guiding principles or goals they never (or rarely) feel the desire to waver from them, even when it gets very painful. I can't make good decisions based mostly on reason, because I focus on tiny details and imperfect patterns, which then tends to make me much more miserable and make worse decisions than simply allowing myself to follow my natural inclinations, with the exceptions of when I'm overwhelmed by anger or fear. I usually don't feel divided within myself much at all; everything collapses upon a certain point.

I have not had one of these experiences in several months now, and it was a horrible time and feeling of aloneness. I'm so accustomed to those experiences, and so used to feeling some kind of guiding force. I always was confused by people who tend to be indecisive or are unable to tell their feelings or motivations, but now I think I understand better. So maybe this will give me more sympathy and empathy for people experiencing those kinds of issues. Often I will have this kind of experience after first getting really upset or feeling a horrible darkness and fear overtake me, or some kind of physical strangeness. As if I took some kind of medication or drug when I really didn't take anything at all. Sometimes probably because my emotions are so strong they can throw me straight into a different awareness of what's going on physically and I feel strange.

Last night I got really upset and despairing, which has been pretty normal for me lately. I felt a sudden overwhelming fear and strangeness right before my mood and perceptions changed to something very negative. Then eventually I started feeling light-headed and distant, kind of outside of my body. Things were confusing and I felt guilty. Then I went to bed and couldn't sleep well. I kept waking up with memories of scattered pieces of dreams. I had a headache all night which I think is the main reason I couldn't stay asleep. When I finally got up, my headache had faded and I was suddenly struck by a feeling of overwhelming hope and joy and warmth, like I used to get. For the first time in a long time. All the thoughts and feelings I have treated suspiciously over the past few months and tried to dismiss as unrealistic or wishful projections returned, but as a part of me, as they used to be before. Where it doesn't seem like they could be misleading lies because they are just an integral part of me and do me much more good than harm to follow them. I think I might be able to change something soon, and maybe be who I once was. Even if other people think it's silly or crazy, I just have to accept that.

Now I'm just starting to get nervous because these things have been missing for so long. And since I did still get in trouble when I had these experiences, no matter how helpful they are, I want to somehow progress and not repeat my mistakes. Thinking about it too much, though, will just make me forget again.