365 Day Meme: day 97: something you’ve always wondered

I wonder about souls and who has them. I tend to believe all living things have souls, but likely also some non-living things. I believe everything is imbued with a divine spark, but also an individual soul exists. I do wonder where souls would be "separate" in plant life and minerals, etc. and whether there are perhaps only "oversouls" for those types of creations. Even if the soul is not immortal, it is a theory that rings true for me.

( 365 Day Meme )

Creative Endeavors

Michael's cousin is interested in purchasing some paintings from me, which she saw on my Facebook (I finally uploaded some art there). At first she asked if I sell my paintings, which made me cringe a little, because I think people think I'm too lazy to try and get my art out there (much like my writing, which I have gotten positive feedback from literary agents on). It's not that easy to make a living in the arts! Maybe a graphic designer or something would have a steady job, but I can't do that sort of work. I have sold some paintings, but not many, and I never once won an award at the local art league. That was a little frustrating, because not only my paintings, but many other paintings I thought were superb, didn't win awards (there are monthly art shows/competitions at the art league). I can't get accepted into some art contests. Though I recently missed the deadline for an art competition at a nearby library which I wish I had participated in.

I don't really mind getting suggestions and critiques that I can learn from, but when people are overwhelmingly negative and/or arrogant (one editor told me that no one could give me better advice than him... Full of himself much?) I really feel poorly about myself and feel like my work is no good. I used to want to win awards and have outward success, but I feel a lot less stressed just focusing on how expressing my creativity makes me feel good and relaxed. I write and paint/draw primarily for myself, though I do love compliments. One art major from my college, on Facebook, said my art "blew her away":-) That made me feel good.

I do like sharing my work and I like concrete feedback (knowing exactly what I can do to improve my work), but I dislike when people just barrage me with negativity or (from the opposite end) assume it would be easy for me to make a living doing some type of creative endeavor. I've written five novels that I consider decent and have edited, gotten feedback on, etc. but none of them are published. I was told by one agent that I needed to probably make my work more "commercial." I can't make my work "commercial" or fit certain molds, just like I can't network. I do my work straight from my heart and complete creative works *I* enjoy and that make me happy. Over time I have come to find more peace at just working on pieces and showing them to people I'm close to and just keeping up my work, trying to always improve.

I probably have about 100+paintings, endless drawings, around 600 poems, and 5 (not completely embarrassing) novels completed. I don't even have the files organized well on my computer:P Which is bad and frustrating... I came up with the idea of a modern retelling of The Lady of Shallot, but it was too triggering me after writing all the notes and starting to write the story, so it's on the back burner. I have a ton of short story ideas I'd like to work on soon. Poetry comes most naturally to me lately, though. I'm trying to get into the habit of painting more again, too. Some of my poetry is coming out in an ezine again. I would like to maybe also submit a short story I wrote and a friend helped me edit.

I do still sometimes feel bad about not accomplishing more externally since leaving school, but I try to focus on just improving my work. I also feel super guilty about not having a real, paying job. A lot of people do not understand my situation. Obviously these people don't know me too well, given the fact that I was a mess at school from day 1.

Easter

Today went well, overall. I had trouble waking up and getting up this morning, which made me nauseated. I wore a nice pink dress today that I assumed was too small for me since I used to wear it when I was underweight, but it still fits. Michael and I exchanged Easter baskets (we gave each other much candy and I gave him a book, which made him decide to buy me a book). Then we went to church and were almost late. It was a really nice service about caring for the earth and caring for other people. Two Michael Jackson songs were done and there were children's drawings of love and earth from the projector. The children's choir sang. There was an excerpt from The Velvetine Rabbit (which we are also using in our commitment ceremony). I returned the book I borrowed and borrowed a dvd of the service I missed in March on Transcendentalism and Buddhism.

Then we ate lunch at my mother's house. She cooked a lot. Michael and Tommy (my brother) played a Mario Bros. game in the living room. I didn't try playing because the newer Mario games are too hard for me:( Then later this evening Michael and I watched Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind. It just ended.

I did have a bit of an anger problem/panic attack at Walmart, but took a Klonopin to control it. Maybe I should have waited longer before taking medication, but I didn't feel like I could restrain myself from lashing out. I'm calm now and will probably go to sleep soon.

5 Gratitudes

1. Having a nice church service and being able to borrow a dvd of a service I missed
2. Exchanging Easter baskets with Michael
3. My mother making lunch
4. Watching Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind with Michael
5. Finding out someone wants to buy some of my paintings