Romanticization of the Past

I have a tendency to try and recreate the past or become sad at remembering the past because it is over now. I've been this way since I was about 6 years old and missed being 4 years old. I tend to forget or block out the bad things that happened and focus on the good things, often distorting reality. Even in times where I was completely miserable and depressed with bad PTSD symptoms due to my life situation, I find things to miss. I always think I didn't appreciate things enough when I reflect on the past. Though I think in a lot of ways I do appreciate things as they happen, but maybe not enough...? I'm trying to just enjoy the present without focusing on the future or feeling bad about what I miss from the past. I'm trying to incorporate the past into my present as far as elements of my past that I miss. I try to remind myself life hasn't changed that much, and most of what has changed is for the better.

Talking to Amber Online, Hopefully!

I took a Klonopin because I was feeling stressed out earlier, and it helped. Amber emailed me back and wants to talk over the internet through a chat program! She used to use a webcam with me and I have a webcam on my laptop so maybe we could do that too. I don't know if I have a microphone on my computer or if I need to buy one... When I try to search for a microphone on my computer I can't find one, but I found a way to record sounds and it worked when I talked to my computer, it's just my voice was very faint... Does that mean there is a microphone since there was sound and something just needs to be adjusted? Thinking about all this is part of what made me anxious, even though I do desperately want to talk to Amber.

I've also been thinking of Iowa lately (where I went to college). I'd really like to go back and look around Cedar Rapids and Iowa City and maybe stop back at the college itself and eat at the snack bar. Maybe April would want to come with;-) Maybe even Phil, too. We could stay overnight at a hotel... My mother used to take me to a hotel every block break when she would visit me there. I miss the cornfields (though we have them in Illinois south of where I live). I miss the harvest moon I saw one time on a trip back to campus. I miss the little shops. I'd also like to return to Salem, Massachusetts and Washington DC, but those would be more expensive trips. I wish my aunt hadn't moved from Bethesda to an isolated part of Florida:( Michael wants to go to New Mexico and I want to go to Arizona. There are so many places I would like to go, in and out of the U.S.!

I think I'm getting constipated again and needed Ibuprofen for the abdominal pain. I won't use more laxatives until I see my doctor on Monday and find out what she says about all my sickness. Maybe this problem will be resolved by then, anyway. My more flu-like symptoms have been better today, though I had bad stomachaches all night (again, could be related to IBS and not this flu-like thing I've had). But I am feeling better in a lot of ways! I hope I sleep better tonight. I finally finished reading a library book Michael has to take home with him on Sunday and hopefully tomorrow I will get started on writing penpal letters (actually, I may start one right now as Michael mows the lawn).

Things I Like About All You

Since I'm in such a good mood and feel really happy with my friends online and offline, if you'd like to know a reason I like you or something I admire about you, leave a comment here and I will give you an answer:-)

5 Gratitudes

1. Watching The Star of Cottonland
2. Amber messaging me on Facebook and saying we could talk online
3. Klonopin helping improve my mood
4. Feeling better today than yesterday
5. Having egg rolls for lunch