Living a Story

[unico_love]

I was reading more recently about how it's very common for people to think of their lives in the form of a narrative stories. I think in stories, partly, so this is definitely true for me. Everything is a story to me, and I used to feel I "knew" my role. Not my role as assigned by others, and not simply my ideal self, but I had a general idea of my beliefs and what I should do, and who I was. It wasn't much of an issue for me. I felt I knew my place in my story. Certain recurring themes came up, but it wasn't restrictive. In fact, it made me feel fulfilled and expansive. I don't know my role anymore. It's like one thread started unraveling, and the whole tapestry followed. I fell into a gaping black hole. I like when I get reminiscent reminders that there is some positive role I could play in the world, that my identity from before hasn't completely disappeared. I suppose I will always be changed to some extent, but maybe in some way those changes could be more of an expansion on my former self than destroying and replacing my former self. Simply a form of growth instead of feeling like "a different person." I didn't usually think overly highly of myself, but I didn't mind who I was in a lot of ways. Probably that's why I often just wish for a return to "how things used to be." Maybe it would help if I wrote stories around what I want my life to be, what I want to make of my life. What I want my personal mythology to develop into, so everything can be salvaged in some sense.

Comments

[beruche.livejournal.com]

Aww.
My apologies if this is inevitably no comfort at all, but it was the other way around for me. I was most alienated from my role in my youngest years, because everyone underestimates a little kid that wants to "beat" those at least a decade her senior. (Although, I suppose that caused me to be even more driven and thus strengthened my knowing my role.)

Bleh. Shoot me, I'm no help.

[unico-love.livejournal.com]

Hm, it's hard for me to exactly pinpoint where I fit in as a child, because everything was really chaotic at that time. But in retrospect I can sort of feel like I understand how it influenced me and how my environment interacted with my predisposition.

It's not surprising you had those kind of difficulties:( At least you are older now.

[beruche.livejournal.com]

Hey, I proved the adults wrong and I've got my whole life ahead of me.