Staying Firm

[unico_love]

Sometimes when I get very depressed and self-loathing I want to do whatever I can to make myself at least "look" normal in specific ways, even if I will never actually feel beneath the surface what others feel with this "normal" behavior. I sometimes think if I force myself enough, maybe my senses and emotions will eventually deaden enough so the situation is at least less impacting on me mentally/physically. I can feel like a burden to those around me, wondering what they think I expect of them. As if they need to cater to me specially because things are intense for me or just plain different. When I second guess myself, though, I tend to behave in worse ways and don't feel like myself at all. I feel I end up making worse ethical decisions with worse ethical repercussions. At least this seems the pattern so far.

But there are always a few people around me that I see living according to their own personal truth, even if it's not commonly understood by most others. Sometimes I even see people that are doing exactly what I want to do, and maybe they sometimes second guess themselves at times, but their actions still reflect what is in their heart. No matter how depressed or worried I get, I can't give up. I can't control other people or my environment even, in a number of ways, but I can choose what I decide to do. Even if what I do or my intent gets constantly misunderstood, the people whom are most emotionally important to me will at least make the effort to understand. I see those around me living as I want to, no matter the drawbacks, no matter the bad things that happen, and I must do that too. Otherwise I would regret it terribly. Maybe by some this would be seen as "not moving on" or deranged or unhealthy, or whatever else. But denying my true self and true feelings and experiences will just keep hurting me, like it did before. I just have to learn better coping skills, and continue on living my life according to what I value and what I truly feel.

I often need to remind myself of this when I try to imagine someone observing me from outside...

Comments

[novanglus.livejournal.com]

"Sometimes I even see people that are doing exactly what I want to do"

What do you want to do, miss unicorn?

[unico-love.livejournal.com]

Hm, I mean that rather literally:) I have seen people in certain interpersonal situations similar to my own and they handle it how I would want to handle it (and hopefully will, someday).

[violetmint.livejournal.com]

Yes, there will always be miscommunications and misunderstandings, I guess. Still, as you say, people who matter most will make the effort to resolve them. I, too, can nearly second-guess myself into a standstill, a state of paralysis almost. And it's a waste of time, because in the end, all one can do is live and act according to what you feel is the most authentic expression of who you are.

[unico-love.livejournal.com]

When I second-guess myself usually I don't end up doing something more rational or kind or useful. Sometimes it looks that way superficially, but eventually it disintegrates in some way or another...I have to try and control my anger and my behavior, but still try and act authentically, as you said.