365 Day Meme: day 63: your views upon gay marriage

Simple, I believe same sex marriage should be legal.
( 365 Day Meme )

Dealing with Criticism

There was a post on a forum I visit about regrets and I mentioned I have many. I can be very hard on myself and feel shame easily if I make a mistake or misunderstand something. Therefore, I tend to regret mistakes and I also feel ashamed and humiliated at the same time. I'm trying to learn to take criticism and correction better. They can lead me to be a better person, if the advice is good. And everyone makes mistakes -- people probably aren't always looking down on me and thinking I'm stupid just for a little mistake. I guess I'm still quite insecure about myself. Just like I used to always cry over my appearance, feeling ugly, I also fear looking dumb. That's probably partly because people used to think I wasn't very intelligent when I was younger and more obviously autistic. Also I did lose a friend who thought I was "too dumb" for him (even though there was no evidence he was more intelligent). I want to just accept myself for who I am, including my flaws, and put myself out in front of people -- ready to take criticism and either ignore it or apply what I've learned from it (depending on how useful the criticism was).

Ritalin LA, "The Meaning" of Life

I just took my second dose of Ritalin LA. I have a lot left for this month, so I figured it was okay. It really does help my anxiety and mood... I should be happy, though, and usually I am now. Sometimes I even think I'm happier than average. I still self-monitor a lot -- constantly looking for any sign of anxiety or depression or fear. Then if I do notice it I start panicking:-/ Just too many years of too many bad emotions... Life is better now. I have to remember that. Also my pap smear test results came back normal so not another one of those horrible exams for two years! Yay!

I think I'm kind of the opposite of a nihilist. I think there is meaning in everything. When people ask questions like "What is the meaning of life?" I get very confused. It's not like I know a deeper truth than them -- I don't know an objective "meaning of life" on this earthly existence that stands true for everyone. I do think all of our existences have some kind of deeper purpose, but I don't know what it is, and I don't think one has to know that to have meaning and purpose in their life. Perhaps like in existentialism we have to create meaning in our lives. I would still count that as important. I do not just think we're useless, tiny dots existing for a moment in history, of no real value. I believe all things in the universe are sacred and divine. There's nothing wrong with being a little focused on yourself and understanding yourself and your life -- we're all sacred and valuable! Ants are just as important as humans who are just as important as any higher-up spirits or organisms that may exist/will exist. I am more hedonistic than I used to be -- I think we should all enjoy life to the fullest. Life is meant to be enjoyed and cherished. For me the ultimate meaning of life is to experience love and to love as much as possible. That is my main goal, as well as somehow making the world a better place in some small way. As Emily Dickinson said, "If I can save one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain." My views on ethics and spirituality are constantly evolving, but the core of who I am remains the same and probably so will my belief that love is of utmost value.

I have met so many creatures (including humans) that are so inspiring and great in some way or another -- I am learning so much. I am inspired always. Hopefully my self-criticism will die away and I will focus only on how I can improve instead of thinking of the ways in which I fail compared to other people. I've had great opportunities in life, too, and I have many wonderful people to turn to. Some of my past is hard to overcome, but I will keep trying.