Plans Changed for Today

This morning I was supposed to try and meet the girl I am supposed to be teaching English, but the volunteer coordinator couldn't drive out here due to the weather. We will try again next Wednesday morning, presumably. It's kind of too bad it didn't happen this morning, because I went to bed very early last night and my medication was making me dizzy and exhausted. I took Dramamine to see if it could help prevent/offset my nausea, but I still ended up getting very nauseated when I went to the stores with my mother this afternoon (maybe it did keep me from vomiting, though?) I felt like I was going to either faint or vomit or both. It might have been stress or lack of food/water, probably it was a combination. I felt better once I was home and able to rest. My mother and I had gone to look for winter boots; she bought a pair but I couldn't find any I wanted. There were ones I liked, but I really want a pair that is just like my old ones (which started breaking through into a hole when I was in Alaska). They are shortish brown boots that are suitable for hiking/walking in a variety of weather and aren't specific to snow. Since I do not live in Alaska, and would need to borrow someone else's really sturdy boots while going through Alaskan snow, anyways, I want a pair of boots as versatile as my last pair. I am going to look online to see if I can find something similar.

Staying Firm

Sometimes when I get very depressed and self-loathing I want to do whatever I can to make myself at least "look" normal in specific ways, even if I will never actually feel beneath the surface what others feel with this "normal" behavior. I sometimes think if I force myself enough, maybe my senses and emotions will eventually deaden enough so the situation is at least less impacting on me mentally/physically. I can feel like a burden to those around me, wondering what they think I expect of them. As if they need to cater to me specially because things are intense for me or just plain different. When I second guess myself, though, I tend to behave in worse ways and don't feel like myself at all. I feel I end up making worse ethical decisions with worse ethical repercussions. At least this seems the pattern so far.

But there are always a few people around me that I see living according to their own personal truth, even if it's not commonly understood by most others. Sometimes I even see people that are doing exactly what I want to do, and maybe they sometimes second guess themselves at times, but their actions still reflect what is in their heart. No matter how depressed or worried I get, I can't give up. I can't control other people or my environment even, in a number of ways, but I can choose what I decide to do. Even if what I do or my intent gets constantly misunderstood, the people whom are most emotionally important to me will at least make the effort to understand. I see those around me living as I want to, no matter the drawbacks, no matter the bad things that happen, and I must do that too. Otherwise I would regret it terribly. Maybe by some this would be seen as "not moving on" or deranged or unhealthy, or whatever else. But denying my true self and true feelings and experiences will just keep hurting me, like it did before. I just have to learn better coping skills, and continue on living my life according to what I value and what I truly feel.

I often need to remind myself of this when I try to imagine someone observing me from outside...