Having No Regret -- Anam Cara

"One of the most destructive negative attitudes toward one's past or toward one's memory is the attitude of regret. Often regret is very false and displaced, and imagines the past totally other than it was [...] I know a wild woman who has lived a very unprotected life. She has had a lot of trouble, and things have often gone wrong for her. I remember that she said to me one time, "I don't regret a bit of it. It is my life, and in everything negative that happened to me, there was always something bright hidden." She brought a lovely integrating perspective to her past, a way to retrieve treasures that were hidden in past difficulties. Sometimes difficulty is the greatest friend of the soul." (pg. 186, Anam Cara).

I'm trying to keep this in mind when I think about things that happened that went wrong or bad decisions I made. I'm trying to focus on what I've learned from each problematic experience. It's important for me to find meaning in everything and it's usually this inability to find meaning which makes me obsess so severely over bad experiences. Right now I think I have a sense of meaning regarding all the major negative experiences I have in my history. I've made a lot of mistakes, but I think I am learning from them and hopefully won't repeat them.

Anxiety, It Turns Out

Well I don't think I'm hypomanic. I'm pretty sure it was just happiness + anxiety. I was really stressed today and I wrote out my list of presents to buy for birthdays and Christmas, with links, price listings, and the month I intend to buy the gift. That organization helped a little. Michael arrived and also helped clean up the house, which is nice. I'm reading a book now called Click: The Magic of Instant Connections and I like it, though I keep thinking about my "instant clicking" relationships that turned out really bad:-/ I have to focus on my good relationships... I wrote a poem about stress and I'm going to paint a little bit tonight. Painting relaxes me. I have been taking Klonopin again, but not every day, and still less than I am prescribed. Hopefully I will keep getting better about my anxiety and obsessions. I think I am on the right track. I've also been a bit overloaded today, and Michael went to the grocery store to leave me alone for a little bit. I also turned off the music. I already feel calmer.

Today's Pictures

( Two Pictures of Me and One of Mrs. Bates )

5 Gratitudes

1. Reading Click: The Magic of Instant Connections
2. Eating checkerboard cake with whipped cream ice cream (though it made me sick because I ate too much of it)
3. Mother buying me a few necessities
4. Planning out my birthday/Christmas presents
5. Reading Instructions by Neil Gaiman